Today, I got food poisoning at work. I had my head in the toilet...

By cedechan - 29/9/2012 04:08 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got food poisoning at work. I had my head in the toilet when the auto flush decided to turn on. The force of the flush was so powerful half of what I threw up splashed back into my face. FML

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Health

Check this out

Time don't heal nothing

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By Anonymous - 14/2/2019 14:52 - United States - Hartford

Today, my girlfriend started bitching me out about how public proposals are unfair and how they pressure a girl to say yes. All I did was get on my knee to tie a loose shoelace. FML

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By Luckless - 23/2/2019 04:00

Today, I'm preparing my defense for allegedly stalking someone at work. The best part, I have absolutely no clue who it is. Now my skin is crawling as I go through all the messages and in person events that occurred with my actual twice-my-age stalker to show my boss what a real stalker does. FML

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By MomOfBoys - 22/12/2016 21:20

Today, it's early-release before Christmas break for the kiddos, and my awesome-sauce boss let them hang out in our law office for the afternoon. So far, one has puked in the conference room, and the other has clogged the toilet. Only 2 hours to go. FML

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By sleepy - 15/10/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I had a Biochemistry quiz. I studied all night but took a nap to get some rest because my quiz was in the morning. I woke up at 10 feeling very confident. My quiz was at 9. FML

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By kitkat3308 - 27/9/2013 06:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my controlling, verbally abusive ex-boyfriend from nearly four years ago is still obsessed with me. Apparently, he's told everyone back home that he and I are getting married as soon as I finish college. We haven't spoken in over two years. FML

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By talwin - 27/7/2011 04:05 - Reserved

Today, I discovered that the more money I earn, the more my personal belongings break down on me. FML

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By anon - 5/12/2015 00:32 - United States

Today, my 6-year-old daughter watched The Lion King for the first time. Now, whenever I ask her to do something, she replies "Hakuna Matata" and doesn't even get up. I think she took "no worries" to mean "don't give a shit about anything". FML

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By David H. - 23/12/2010 08:18

Today, I saw my first boobs ever, at 18, volunteering at a retirement home. FML

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By Scared4Lf - 19/8/2016 18:10 - United States - Lamoure

Today, I was awoken by my grandparents making love, as they shook the camper in which my cousin and I were sleeping. FML

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By coolguy - 6/11/2012 05:15 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I woke up and looked over to see the "beautiful girl" I slept with last night. Turns out it was the obsessive girl from my class with a man-face I had avoided all semester. In conclusion, beer goggles are very real and very powerful. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2011 22:26 - United States

Today, my girfriend of two years told me she wasn't actually a lesbian and our relationship was more of a 'learning experience'. FML

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By quickfingers100 - 1/6/2011 16:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

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By YahItsMe94 - 25/6/2009 07:20 - United States

Today, was my first day back at work since my wife got breast cancer. I come in and see some people with pink slips and frowns. When I get to my desk I find a pink slip, I go up to my boss and start to curse him out for firing me. Only to find out my pink slip was a fundraiser for my wife. FML

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By edodge - 15/10/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, at work, my boss and I went upstairs to storage. We got in the elevator, I pressed the 2nd floor button, and it didn't move so I repeatedly pressed the button. It wasn't until the 5th press that I realized we were already on the 2nd floor. She thought I was an idiot. FML

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By IntimidatorStag - 6/2/2009 23:54 - United States

Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2019 12:00

Look-alikes

Today, the guy I really like told me that I look exactly like Kathy Bates. I'm only 30. FML

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By howler - 15/2/2011 06:44 - United States

Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML

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By Baldy - 7/9/2017 13:00

Polly Want a Wax

Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2009 19:00 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I have a nervous tendency to rub my foot against the bar under the table. After the interview I noticed I had been rubbing my foot against the interviewer's leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2010 17:51 - Canada

Today, I was shopping in a store and an employee was mopping the floor. She mopped all around where I was standing then told me to wait until the floor dried to move. I had to go to the bathroom. FML

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By "refines" - 23/9/2017 16:00

Today, I woke up to my living room covered in 8 cm of water. My $2k computer was on that floor. FML

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By Matthew - 4/7/2018 22:30

Today, during science, my friend thought it would be funny to pour corrosive acids into the reaction test I was making. I had to explain to my parents why I have no eyebrows, but the worst part is that I only got a D. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2009 13:51 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The cop was hot so I flirted with him as much as I could. But when he came back to the car he still gave me a ticket. Feeling desperate I said, "I thought you didn't give tickets to pretty girls." His response: "We don't." FML

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By Sacho - 24/10/2019 20:00

Hiking is so much fun!

Today, 4 miles into a mountain hike with my crush, I suddenly felt a stomach pain, followed by the urge for explosive diarrhea. I had to stand still with my butt clenched to prevent shitting myself. There were no nearby bathrooms, and I didn't have any toilet paper. It was messy. She'll never see me the same. FML

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By josh - 23/1/2009 12:33 - United States

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to my ex. This afternoon I notice that they had accepted, and had left a message for me in my inbox. Asking how they knew me. FML

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By Shinobi_3 - 26/2/2010 17:43 - United States

Today, while I was eating, a fly kept pissing me off. After three minutes of it buzzing around, I caught it and killed it. Then, without realizing it, I smeared its guts all over the front of my shirt. FML

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By Savviecat97 - 25/7/2019 00:01

Today, I finally got to see the results of the new timesheet I made to make things simpler for both the employees and the managers. Apparently, 75% of them don't know how to read. FML

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By StephD - 20/3/2009 03:41 - Canada

Today, driving some friends back from a party I said, "Did everyone see Lisa totally hanging off of Pat tonight?! It was hilarious!!". There was a long silence, then one of my friends said "...you know Lisa is in the car, right?" FML

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By kha - 24/3/2009 10:18 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise-visit my grandparents. After knocking on the door and not getting a response, I opened it and walked in. Upon entering their house and yelling, "Hello", as I turned the corner I saw my near-deaf grandmother folding clothes while watching TV. She was topless. FML

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By pigglepigglepiggle - 24/11/2009 02:30 - United States

Today, I agreed to buy my girlfriend a piggle for Christmas. The pig is miniature. The noise it makes is not. Oh, and I just found out it's not living with her, but with me. FML

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By WrongPlaceWrongTime - 25/6/2016 18:51 - France

Today, my girlfriend came to my workplace to tell me she was breaking up with me. My boss, who was passing by, fired me for "chatting with friends" during work hours. FML

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By hannah - 17/2/2011 05:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

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By dangyo - 26/1/2009 17:38 - United States

Today, my dad learned how to use the parental controls. I now have an 11 o'clock curfew. I am 17. FML

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By mrmidi - 21/5/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I learned two important facts: #1 A grown man can, in fact, get beaten up by a teenage girl, and #2 If someone is convinced you are someone else, there is no telling them otherwise. FML

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By Shantwozzlah - 26/3/2012 16:15 - United States - Kissimmee

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to scare me by maniacally zooming in and out of traffic while we were on his motorcycle. His mood turned to anger when I nervously admitted to having voided my bowels. FML

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By embarrassedmom - 31/8/2013 23:48 - United States

Today, my daughter and I were driving home when our truck broke down. A police officer stopped and offered to let me and my two year old sit in his car for the A/C. When we got in, I sat her on my lap, and she pulled down my tank top and screamed "Boobies!" right in front of the officer. FML

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By It wasnt even that close - 31/10/2015 13:23 - Germany - Herford

Today, while shopping, I stepped a bit closer to a couple that stood in front of a display. The girl then shot me a nasty look, grabbed her boyfriend and started pointedly making out with him. I was just trying to buy some butter. But thanks for reminding me how lonely I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 01:13 - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I came home from work to my 4-year old daughter cussing left and right. I asked her about it; she said that her brother had taught her some words. When I confronted him about the situation, he kicked my shin and screamed, "Stop treating me like a fucking child!" He's 5. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 13:18 - Sweden

Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML

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By Username - 29/5/2011 04:41 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of something I said 2 years ago, as a joke. I guess she took a while to get it. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#4984640 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:33

That wasn't food poisoning, dear. It's morning sickness.

Congratulations on behalf of the FML family.

By nanpooo | 6

#4984590 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:05

Oh gross. I hope you were able to be excused from work.

Comments

By skulltorn | 8

#4984586 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:04

First!

By Sinandraide | 4

#4984588 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:05

mhhm delicious :/

katieeamberr | 2

#4985105 - Saturday 29 September 2012 16:43

You're disgusting

juliee_xd | 3

#4986011 - Saturday 29 September 2012 22:22

LMAOOO XD

By nanpooo | 6

#4984590 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:05

Oh gross. I hope you were able to be excused from work.

perdix | 29

#4984730 - Saturday 29 September 2012 13:23

They probably sent her on retroactive vacation.

In this tough economy, ...

By EvilPotato | 14

#4984593 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:06

Well, the toilet water probably tasted better than vomit. However that is seriously nasty.

cliffibom | 15

#4984921 - Saturday 29 September 2012 15:10

What the fuck? OP's incident was just plain disgusting, no one wants toilet bowl water mixed with vomit on their face.

By BAMitsnikki | 8

#4984595 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:06

I can only imagine what it might have sounded like to other people in the same toilet...

By Wheredidgrungego | 12

#4984607 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:11

Gives new meaning to the word "upchuck."

Jaxx66 | 21

#4985112 - Saturday 29 September 2012 16:50

I'm thinking that OP got a swirly. Damn, never thought someone would be so masochistic.

By DocBastard | 38

#4984640 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:33

That wasn't food poisoning, dear. It's morning sickness.

Congratulations on behalf of the FML family.

PipingMouse | 14

#4984788 - Saturday 29 September 2012 13:58

Do you want a boy or a girl? :P

Tuffay | 14

#4984982 - Saturday 29 September 2012 15:41

Can we name it? Can we name it?

gc327072 | 29

#4985287 - Saturday 29 September 2012 17:32

"Next time, on 'I didn't know I was pregnant'.......... ".

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4986647 - Sunday 30 September 2012 3:51

I think his name should be Randall (:

By rayahbug | 3

#4984648 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:36

My god. That was by far, the grossest thing I've ever read.

zandalee | 19

#4984714 - Saturday 29 September 2012 13:17

You need to read more FML's then.

mpalmiter | 0

#4984823 - Saturday 29 September 2012 14:09

8- You obviously didn't read the Fml where the girl went to bite her boyfriends neck and had a zit pop in her mouth.

Tuffay | 14

#4984988 - Saturday 29 September 2012 15:43

The mold in the fat rolls is fairly gross as well.

aKaClickZ | 4

#4985433 - Saturday 29 September 2012 18:05

Don't forget the one where the dentist had a booger drop in the OP's mouth.

NeonPopRocks | 14

#4985781 - Saturday 29 September 2012 20:08

24- That made me gag and almost puke in my mouth.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4986049 - Saturday 29 September 2012 22:40

8- You must be new to the Internet...

lyflycat9297 | 4

#4997804 - Wednesday 3 October 2012 3:02

God, give the guy a break, will ya? He's just stating his opinion, no need to go ballistic on him or that...

By loloalltheway | 23

#4984659 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:47

That is DISGUSTING, poor you OP, poor you ...

By perdix | 29

#4984670 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:50

That's Management's way of saying, "Get sick on your own time."