Today, I got food poisoning at work. I had my head in the toilet...

By cedechan - 29/9/2012 04:08 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got food poisoning at work. I had my head in the toilet when the auto flush decided to turn on. The force of the flush was so powerful half of what I threw up splashed back into my face. FML

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Health

Near the knuckle

KoBabe

The end of the road

By happypineapple - 17/7/2014 03:31 - Australia - Scarborough

Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML

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By uh huh sure - 9/7/2020 05:01

Subtle

Today, my mother-in-law, who isn't southern, who’s family isn’t southern, and has never even mentioned any interest in anything even remotely southern, decided to give us a baby gift: a hand-crocheted confederate flag blanket. We’re an interracial couple. I think she’s trying to tell me something. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, my Dad sent me an e-mail wishing me a "Happy 21st Birthday, sweetheart!" The message went on and on about how much he loves and misses me and wishes we were closer, and can't believe how fast I'm growing up. I'm 23 and my birthday is in December. FML

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By Alex - 1/3/2019 16:00

Today, marks three weeks since I started my new dream job. It also marks the second time this week alone that I've clogged the toilet in the restroom. I'm almost 100% sure all my coworkers know it was me. FML

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By oww - 5/4/2011 07:46 - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. It was windy, so I decided to get my hat from the car trunk. When I opened it and reached in, loose papers started flying everywhere. Panicked, my dad slammed the trunk shut on my fingers. Entering the stadium, I discovered it was free hat day. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2015 19:58

Today, I wore flip-flops to work. Just as I walked onto the elevator, they made a sound very close to that of a fart. About 10 seconds later, some asshole let out a silent but deadly fart, earning me a bunch of disgusted looks. FML

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By spark - 27/8/2014 17:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my windshield wipers being stolen twice in a row, I decided to hide in my car to catch the thief. I fell asleep. When I woke up, the new wipers were gone. FML

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By Infadel - 22/7/2014 21:55 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML

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By Holyguacamoly - 27/5/2014 11:15 - Iceland

Today, at work I had to explain to a client that male dogs can wear red collars and it doesn't make them "gay". The client then got angry and stormed out of the store, causing me to get written up. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2014 21:37 - Sweden - Ume

Today, I tried to pull the old "bucket of water above the door" prank on my brother, but the bucket didn't fall when he opened the door. He noticed it, took it down, then pinned me to the floor and waterboarded me with the ice-cold water. FML

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By ohcollege - 1/10/2010 10:04 - United States

Today, the rain was pouring really hard outside. I found this out when it started raining on me at 4 am inside my dorm room. Thanks college. FML

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By justin - 13/12/2013 03:08 - United States - Waco

Today, my boss found out that my girlfriend dumped me. He asked if that meant she would no longer bring her delicious homemade cookies to the office. When I said yes, he fired me on the spot. FML

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By Jdub - 28/5/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I went to a real Japanese restaurant with my sister and mom, where you had to take off your shoes and sit on the floor. After the meal, I realized my shoes were no longer where I put them. For the seven years the restaurant has been open, I'm the first person to get their shoes stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2012 12:36 - Australia

Today, I was very cold and tired, so I took a shower to warm up and went to bed. The minute I hopped into bed, it collapsed and broke. I have spent half-an-hour rearranging furniture to get the mattress on to the floor. Now I'm cold again. FML

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By meow - 16/7/2019 18:30

Today, I found out my boss hired literally the only person in this town who is an ex-boyfriend. I also work with my current boyfriend. FML

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By justsomesummer - 26/1/2016 18:09 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I got a new babysitting job. Every time the little girl goes to the bathroom, she screams and cries until I wipe her. She's 7 years old. FML

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By ashley_skillz06 - 24/1/2010 05:21 - France

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant. While the chef is throwing food at us, I'm getting ready for my turn. He tosses the piece of broccoli at me, I lean back to catch it, completely falling off my chair. I knocked everything over and had the packed restaurant laughing at me. FML

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By Eric John Los - 29/1/2018 13:00 - United States - Haydenville

Today, I wore a coat that was too tight. The button gave way and quickly flew about ten feet to hit my very attractive new coworker right in the ass. FML

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By Loola - 21/12/2008 05:04 - France

Today, Father Christmas touched my ass in a shopping mall. I'm a bit worried about what's going to happen on Christmas Day. FML

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By roflcopter - 19/8/2010 00:53 - United States

Today, one of my cousins offered to sell me his mac for a low price. When I got it, I realized it was an old toshiba painted white with an apple sticker on it. My cousin still insists it's a mac. FML

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By awkward.. - 22/2/2015 05:15 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, my boyfriend complimented me on how he liked my freckles down below. I didn't have the heart to tell him that they were just razor rash. FML

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By anna14 - 21/2/2010 19:34 - United States

Today, I learned a little lesson about consequences. Yesterday, I ate a quarter as a dare. Today, I tried to poop it out. It got stuck coming out. I had to go to the doctor and explain everything. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 05:01

Frustration level: 2000

Today, I have an incredibly high sex drive. My boyfriend doesn't. He made me throw away my, rarely used, sex toys because he's jealous of them. I wouldn't need them if we had sex more. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2015 22:22 - United States - Ashburn

Today, my parents pranked me hard. They spent breakfast messing with my head, all to convince me that I was dreaming. I got so excited at finally having a lucid dream that I ran outside in my pajamas, yelling "Woo-hoo!" and trying to fly. Nothing happened. People saw. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2009 14:26 - France

Today, I learned that "Je suis excité" does not mean "I'm excited" in French. It means "I'm sexually excited"... more or less. I've been doing a lot of exciting things and using it a lot the past two weeks. With my French friends, people I meet, and especially with my host family. FML

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By Miriden - 19/7/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I got a call from a creditor asking for a Sarah. I told them that I'm not Sarah, nor do I know one. They then asked if she was my wife. Annoyed, I said, "Alright, when did I get a wife? I don't even remember having a girlfriend." They sniggered and hung up. FML

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By puppylove - 5/5/2020 08:00

Zoning out

Today, my mother found me staring at my puppy's asshole. She had apparently been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

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By UnluckyGroom - 9/6/2012 23:04 - United States - East Wenatchee

Today, after a long night of partying, I fell asleep, while my bride was delivering her vows. FML

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By mylifeblows - 19/8/2010 06:15 - United States

Today, I found out my husband put a parental block on the TV so I couldn't rent a movie. I'm 42. FML

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By BlueSteele220 - 22/3/2016 08:57 - United States - Coppell

Today, my family got mad at me for eloping and not inviting them to my wedding. Even though they admitted they wouldn't have gone anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2019 18:00

Chewbacca goes surfing

Today, my wax appointment cancelled on me, we’re supposed to be going to Hawaii in the morning and now I can’t wear a bikini because my stomach and back are hairier than my husband's. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. The other party left the scene immediately after without exchanging insurance information. Deer can be so rude. FML

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By Luke - 19/3/2013 09:59 - United States - Liverpool

Today, my department found out that we're getting a new supervisor for the third time this month. I joked about how we're like "the foster kid nobody wants." One of my coworkers burst into tears and ran off. I later found out that she had been a foster child and never once had a stable home. FML

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By sothatsano - 16/12/2015 08:56 - United States - Spokane

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. At the right moment, I got down on one knee. As I was reaching into my pocket to get the ring, she got so freaked out she kicked me in the face. I chipped a tooth and the ring flew off, and now I can't find it. FML

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By helloworld92 - 31/1/2009 20:33 - United States

Today, I hung out with my crush for only the second time at his apartment. He was having a party. After a few sips of my green apple smirnoff, I puked up the Chinese food I had eaten earlier all over his new couch in front of him and a bunch of people I didn't know. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2015 13:27 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell asleep while using my laptop. The next thing I know, it's 8am and my dad is screaming at me for posting "u skank-ass cunt-face" on my mom's Facebook timeline. I never made that post, but he won't believe me. My asshole brother, meanwhile, can't stop smirking at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2016 12:30 - United States - Redding

Today, 9 years on, my dad still hates my husband for "ruining" my life by getting me pregnant in my late 20s. FML

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By oped01 - 18/10/2016 00:15 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, in a department store, a woman with a parrot sitting on her shoulder was trying to return a coffee maker. She explained that she had to return the coffee maker because the bird didn't like it sitting on the kitchen counter. FML

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By ouch - 26/6/2010 14:23 - Canada

Today, my friend hit a glass with her arm, so I dove to try and catch it before it hit the ground and shattered. I hit my head against the table, giving me a nice gash that needed stitches. The glass was actually plastic. FML

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By swollenpenis - 25/1/2013 06:11 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out the hard way that I'm severely allergic to latex. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#4984640 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:33

That wasn't food poisoning, dear. It's morning sickness.

Congratulations on behalf of the FML family.

By nanpooo | 6

#4984590 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:05

Oh gross. I hope you were able to be excused from work.

COMMENTS

By skulltorn | 8

#4984586 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:04

First!

By Sinandraide | 4

#4984588 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:05

mhhm delicious :/

katieeamberr | 2

#4985105 - Saturday 29 September 2012 16:43

You're disgusting

juliee_xd | 3

#4986011 - Saturday 29 September 2012 22:22

LMAOOO XD

By nanpooo | 6

#4984590 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:05

Oh gross. I hope you were able to be excused from work.

perdix | 29

#4984730 - Saturday 29 September 2012 13:23

They probably sent her on retroactive vacation.

In this tough economy, ...

By EvilPotato | 14

#4984593 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:06

Well, the toilet water probably tasted better than vomit. However that is seriously nasty.

cliffibom | 15

#4984921 - Saturday 29 September 2012 15:10

What the fuck? OP's incident was just plain disgusting, no one wants toilet bowl water mixed with vomit on their face.

By BAMitsnikki | 8

#4984595 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:06

I can only imagine what it might have sounded like to other people in the same toilet...

By Wheredidgrungego | 12

#4984607 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:11

Gives new meaning to the word "upchuck."

Jaxx66 | 21

#4985112 - Saturday 29 September 2012 16:50

I'm thinking that OP got a swirly. Damn, never thought someone would be so masochistic.

By DocBastard | 38

#4984640 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:33

That wasn't food poisoning, dear. It's morning sickness.

Congratulations on behalf of the FML family.

PipingMouse | 14

#4984788 - Saturday 29 September 2012 13:58

Do you want a boy or a girl? :P

Tuffay | 14

#4984982 - Saturday 29 September 2012 15:41

Can we name it? Can we name it?

gc327072 | 29

#4985287 - Saturday 29 September 2012 17:32

"Next time, on 'I didn't know I was pregnant'.......... ".

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4986647 - Sunday 30 September 2012 3:51

I think his name should be Randall (:

By rayahbug | 3

#4984648 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:36

My god. That was by far, the grossest thing I've ever read.

zandalee | 19

#4984714 - Saturday 29 September 2012 13:17

You need to read more FML's then.

mpalmiter | 0

#4984823 - Saturday 29 September 2012 14:09

8- You obviously didn't read the Fml where the girl went to bite her boyfriends neck and had a zit pop in her mouth.

Tuffay | 14

#4984988 - Saturday 29 September 2012 15:43

The mold in the fat rolls is fairly gross as well.

aKaClickZ | 4

#4985433 - Saturday 29 September 2012 18:05

Don't forget the one where the dentist had a booger drop in the OP's mouth.

NeonPopRocks | 14

#4985781 - Saturday 29 September 2012 20:08

24- That made me gag and almost puke in my mouth.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4986049 - Saturday 29 September 2012 22:40

8- You must be new to the Internet...

lyflycat9297 | 4

#4997804 - Wednesday 3 October 2012 3:02

God, give the guy a break, will ya? He's just stating his opinion, no need to go ballistic on him or that...

By loloalltheway | 23

#4984659 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:47

That is DISGUSTING, poor you OP, poor you ...

By perdix | 29

#4984670 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:50

That's Management's way of saying, "Get sick on your own time."