Health: Today, I got food poisoning at work. I had my head in the toilet...

By cedechan - United States - Tucson

Today, I got food poisoning at work. I had my head in the toilet when the auto flush decided to turn on. The force of the flush was so powerful half of what I threw up splashed back into my face. FML

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Health

You tried

Leave us alone

Commando

By sweet92 - United States

Today, I went to a store to buy pants for a new job. A really hot guy helped me get a pair down from a high shelf so I could try them on. He had flirted with me so I hurried in the fitting room so I could go talk to him. Note to self: Check to see if you have pants on after trying on clothes. FML

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By crookedteeth - United States

Today, for my birthday, my mom presented me with a $4,000 check to pay for my braces. I've been very self-conscious about my teeth for years. Everyone applauded and told me how happy they were for me. Later, my mom asked me for the check back. Apparently it was just meant to make her look good. FML

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By bitchface - United States

Plans

Today, I looked at my father's Facebook for the first time in a month to see a status saying, "Making wedding plans!" Really? When was he planning on telling his own daughter? FML

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By jess - South Africa

Today, I had a sip of my coffee and felt a lump of some kind enter my mouth. I thought it was a bit of biscuit, and then remembered I didn't have biscuits this morning with my coffee. I took it out of my mouth and it was a huge black fly. I then spat the rest of my coffee all over my laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2021 23:01 - Turkey - Adana

Cats are like drugs

Today, I'd agreed to watch my friend's cats for a few weeks. I'd always promised myself not to become a "crazy cat lady" like her. It's the third day and I danced with the cats and apologised to them for my bad dancing. FML

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689

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By Xabeix - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I got a rejection letter after I filed a claim regarding potholes on a high speed road that damaged my vehicle. Two of my tires and very expensive Honda mags, worth 1000$ each, are done for. Meanwhile, the city claims they're working hard to fix the roads. It's been 3 weeks, the potholes are still there and the city says they're not at fault. FML

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By Anonymous

Father of the year

Today, I realised that anyone who claims they enjoyed spending quality time together with their spouse and children during quarantine is a liar, a big fat liar. I know my kids aren’t even 10 yet, but god, I can’t wait for them to get houses of their own and move the fuck out. FML

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By sucks - United States

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

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By Fluory - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I chose to date him. After going on for five minutes about how unique and funny he is, I ask him the same question. His reply? "You were the first person to ask me out." He then rolled over and fell asleep. FML

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By TheBetterRedhead

Today, on my way home from grocery shopping, two young adults around my age came up and asked me for a lighter. Thinking they just needed it to light a cigarette, I handed them my only lighter. They immediately ran away. I got robbed for a 1.99$ lighter. FML

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By verycherryfucked - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to go to the hospital for an allergic reaction. Turns out, I'm highly allergic to cherry blossoms. My wife and I just bought a house and moved into a new neighborhood. Almost every block in this neighborhood, including my own, has rows and rows of cherry blossom trees. FML

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By inbogota - 6/3/2021 15:30 - Colombia

Inactive

Today, I had the most action in months when I woke up to a wet dream. I'm married, I guess that tells you all about my sex life. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montreal

Today, I woke up with an engagement ring on my left hand. The same one I refused last month. My boyfriend apparently waited for me to be drunk to propose again last night, and has already posted the pics on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was pumping the tire of my bicycle indoors, and suddenly the inner tube exploded next to my head. One ear is now ringing and the other one feels like it's bleeding. FML

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By Mateo - France

Today, I surprise my girlfriend by turning up at her flat on her twenty-fourth birthday. She gets up from the couch as I enter and I shout: "Tonight, my cock is going to stab you twenty-four times!" (Okay, that's not smart). That's when her father glances over from the couch and greets me. FML

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By faeliality - United States

Today, my boss called me and asked why I haven't been showing up to work. I didn't show up because he fired me last week over the phone. Then he fired me again for not showing up to work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburg

Today, my mom said if I dont get straight A's in my classes this year, she'll get the school to hold me back until I do. I believe her. FML

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By figgy - United States

Today, I was working in a deli when I cut more meat than I intended; I basically removed my fingerprint via the deli slicer. FML

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By captainuniverse - United States - Nashville

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2021 14:01

Thanks, Shep

Today, I'm recovering from a fall down the basement steps. I was carrying a casserole down to the fridge we have in the basement. I tripped, crashed at the bottom and broke my arm. Our dog came running down to investigate, completely ignored me, and just started eating the casserole off the floor. FML

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By thenotsomanlyman - United States

Today, I flipped out when I saw a centipede. I screamed, very loudly and in a very high voice. My girlfriend came into the room, stomped on it, picked it up and threw it in the trashcan. I apologized to her for the scene and all she said was, "I'm used to it." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I woke up to my dad emptying a water bottle on my head, because I needed to "get up for school" or I'd be late. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 8-year-old son told me to grow a pair and man up. FML

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By hahahaha090114 - United States

Today, I found out I was getting a divorce. My wife is leaving me for my brother, saying that now that he has money there is nothing that can stand in their way. I recently decided to send him money to help him get back on his feet. FML

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By Darling_Cherry - United States

Today, I realized that the only male that has ever been in bed with me has been my cat. FML

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By HaedLei - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a fetish for cats. I think I'm going to have to meow before we do anything together. FML

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By sammsamm56 - United States

Today, I found out that my over protective brother is going to move in with me when he gets out of jail. My chances of ever being in a relationship are now next to zero. FML

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By DabTheFuckOut - United States - Honolulu

Today, I finally said yes to a date with a guy. I was hesistant due to him being quite a bit younger than me. On our date, he dabbed 27 times. Yes, I actually kept count. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom asked me when I'm going to propose to my girlfriend. Not only was she in the room at the time, I've spent the whole week thinking of ways to break up with her without ending up in the hospital. 5ML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I successfully stopped my hair straightener from falling into a bathtub full of water by grabbing hold of the burning hot plates. FML

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By skichick54 - United States

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

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By DJ - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I started training for a charity boxing match. When I got home and walked through the door, my dad punched me in the stomach to test my reaction time. As I lay on the floor trying to catch my breath, he said my reaction time was "terrible". FML

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By Anonymous

Time for a BBQ

Today, my friend hit a bird with her car. She asked me to get it off for her, so I reluctantly complied. It came off. In pieces. FML

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By fuckingdieyouoldhag - United States

Today, I was taking a selfie. My grandma saw me, then after smirking to herself, she went and told my parents that I was "doing that sexting thing". They believed her and grounded me, even after I showed that all my photos and sent messages were totally innocent. FML

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By BannedfromFriend - United States

Today, I was at my best friend's house, listening to him complain about his mother remembering all the bad stuff he did when he was in high school. I jokingly said, "An elephant never forgets." Guess who was behind me. FML

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By facepalm - Singapore

Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. About halfway through he went really quiet and started breathing heavily. I thought he was about to climax until I discovered he had fallen asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norwalk

Today, I felt so lonely that I asked Siri to read me Wikipedia articles so that I could pretend I was having a conversation with a real human being. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, just 1 month after giving me a bracelet with an infinity symbol on it for Christmas, my boyfriend of three years ended everything out of the blue. That was a short infinity. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed my birthday didn't make me over 21. I paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birthday. FML

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By wellesleybanana - United States

Today, I finally got some sleep after an exterminator came yesterday and took care of our roach problem. I woke up and kissed my boyfriend good morning. Frowning, he told me I had something stuck on the corner of my mouth. It was a roach leg. Where is the rest of the roach? FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#4984640 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:33

That wasn't food poisoning, dear. It's morning sickness.

Congratulations on behalf of the FML family.

By nanpooo | 6

#4984590 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:05

Oh gross. I hope you were able to be excused from work.

COMMENTS

By skulltorn | 8

#4984586 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:04

First!

By Sinandraide | 4

#4984588 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:05

mhhm delicious :/

katieeamberr | 2

#4985105 - Saturday 29 September 2012 16:43

You're disgusting

juliee_xd | 3

#4986011 - Saturday 29 September 2012 22:22

LMAOOO XD

By nanpooo | 6

#4984590 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:05

Oh gross. I hope you were able to be excused from work.

perdix | 29

#4984730 - Saturday 29 September 2012 13:23

They probably sent her on retroactive vacation.

In this tough economy, ...

By EvilPotato | 14

#4984593 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:06

Well, the toilet water probably tasted better than vomit. However that is seriously nasty.

cliffibom | 15

#4984921 - Saturday 29 September 2012 15:10

What the fuck? OP's incident was just plain disgusting, no one wants toilet bowl water mixed with vomit on their face.

By BAMitsnikki | 8

#4984595 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:06

I can only imagine what it might have sounded like to other people in the same toilet...

By Wheredidgrungego | 12

#4984607 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:11

Gives new meaning to the word "upchuck."

Jaxx66 | 21

#4985112 - Saturday 29 September 2012 16:50

I'm thinking that OP got a swirly. Damn, never thought someone would be so masochistic.

By DocBastard | 38

#4984640 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:33

That wasn't food poisoning, dear. It's morning sickness.

Congratulations on behalf of the FML family.

PipingMouse | 14

#4984788 - Saturday 29 September 2012 13:58

Do you want a boy or a girl? :P

Tuffay | 14

#4984982 - Saturday 29 September 2012 15:41

Can we name it? Can we name it?

gc327072 | 29

#4985287 - Saturday 29 September 2012 17:32

"Next time, on 'I didn't know I was pregnant'.......... ".

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4986647 - Sunday 30 September 2012 3:51

I think his name should be Randall (:

By rayahbug | 3

#4984648 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:36

My god. That was by far, the grossest thing I've ever read.

zandalee | 19

#4984714 - Saturday 29 September 2012 13:17

You need to read more FML's then.

mpalmiter | 0

#4984823 - Saturday 29 September 2012 14:09

8- You obviously didn't read the Fml where the girl went to bite her boyfriends neck and had a zit pop in her mouth.

Tuffay | 14

#4984988 - Saturday 29 September 2012 15:43

The mold in the fat rolls is fairly gross as well.

aKaClickZ | 4

#4985433 - Saturday 29 September 2012 18:05

Don't forget the one where the dentist had a booger drop in the OP's mouth.

NeonPopRocks | 14

#4985781 - Saturday 29 September 2012 20:08

24- That made me gag and almost puke in my mouth.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4986049 - Saturday 29 September 2012 22:40

8- You must be new to the Internet...

lyflycat9297 | 4

#4997804 - Wednesday 3 October 2012 3:02

God, give the guy a break, will ya? He's just stating his opinion, no need to go ballistic on him or that...

By loloalltheway | 23

#4984659 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:47

That is DISGUSTING, poor you OP, poor you ...

By perdix | 29

#4984670 - Saturday 29 September 2012 12:50

That's Management's way of saying, "Get sick on your own time."