Health: Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me.... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 105

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 324

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 126

02/05/2009 17:05

Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time. As I was throwing up, I set off the toilet's automatic flush and my vomit came flying back into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 604

You deserved it 5 197

Hiding from the drama

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Not now, please

11/06/2016 05:03

Today, my therapist told me to write down my goals for the next five years. After thinking hard for what seemed like forever, all I could come up with was getting a girlfriend and having an FML published. And to be honest, I'm not even sure about that first one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 363

You deserved it 1 699

28/07/2010 17:38

Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head "no" at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson's Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 535

You deserved it 7 475

05/02/2017 13:00

Today, the moment after hitting "confirm payment" for my boyfriend's valentine gift (along with some sexy lingerie for the occasion) on a shopping app, my period tracker app popped up to let me know I'll be well into my period on the 14th. I'm getting cockblocked by mother nature herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 329

You deserved it 1 101

Stop

By dad - 03/03/2009 22:28

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 291

You deserved it 82 992

23/04/2009 07:36

Today, I didn't wear my contacts. Determined to prove to my friends I didn't need them, I read all the signs in sight. I couldn't read a particular one, so I began to walk closer. Suddenly I fell on my face, bruising my cheekbone. The sign said: "Caution: Watch Your Step." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 383

You deserved it 64 101

12/01/2010 06:30

Spicy

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 749

You deserved it 9 271

Stay mad

By shut mouth - 11/10/2021 02:01

Today, my mother is upset that I won’t share things with her anymore. This is the woman who spent my entire childhood gossiping about every teeny tiny detail of my life, and used my suicide attempt as a way to garner pity for herself. Yeah, no thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 48

Stay safe, despite capitalism

By Anonymous - 23/09/2021 19:59

Today, despite both of us being vaccinated, my wife recently tested positive for Covid and now I'm showing symptoms. Neither my state or job offers any kind of financial support for Covid leave, so my options are infecting others or starving under a bridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 014

You deserved it 174

25/08/2015 11:55

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 173

You deserved it 3 291

13/09/2017 04:30

Today, I helped my girlfriend pick out a pretty dress for a corporate event. It turns out the first use it was going to see was a date with her side dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 235

You deserved it 366

30/07/2019 02:00

Today, for 20 minutes, I watched my girlfriend use a mini flashlight to look for her keys in her purse. The flashlight was on her key chain. As were her keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 681

You deserved it 355

26/01/2010 16:13

Today, at work at daycare, this kid was coughing really bad, so I put my hand in front of his mouth in case he was choking on something so he could spit it out. But nope he wasn't choking, he was sick. He puked right into my hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 967

You deserved it 28 580

05/10/2016 01:19

Today, my coworker and I agreed to come clean and tell our fellow employees that we have been secretly dating for a while. Before we could, I received a promotion. I am now his boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 844

You deserved it 1 892

04/04/2012 21:11

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 470

You deserved it 7 290

31/08/2010 12:46

Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday. After spending a reasonable amount of cash to get us a nice hotel room to celebrate, he decides he would rather spend the night drinking with his friends. They all threw up in the bath tub before passing out on our bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 051

You deserved it 4 473

A load of hot air

By SkipBeatOtaku - 16/05/2020 20:00

Spicy

Today, I was having hot sex with my boyfriend. Then, I felt a puff of air hit my face and a rancid smell. My dog had farted in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 542

You deserved it 634

Can't face it

By bearded lady - 08/06/2020 14:03

Today, thanks to all my medications, I've been growing thick, dark hair on my face. I decided to use hair removal cream instead of shaving. The cream removed every trace of hair, but also made my skin about 4 times lighter than the rest of my face. It's even more noticeable than the beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 398

You deserved it 227

12/12/2011 04:46

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying we're too different. His only example? He likes ham and I don't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 050

You deserved it 4 450

28/10/2009 19:14

Spicy

Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 364

You deserved it 38 023

07/03/2009 07:01

Today, my name was called during an assembly because I won some sort of prize. Everyone booed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 380

You deserved it 6 743

02/05/2011 18:46

Spicy

Today, I had some hot phone sex with my long-distance girlfriend. Half-way through, my mom stormed in, and told me I was disgusting and sick for doing it in the same room as my brother. I forgot about the baby monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 852

You deserved it 70 115

12/05/2012 14:42

Spicy

Today, my wife told me she was pregnant. I don't remember having sex since last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 380

You deserved it 5 799

28/11/2013 16:53

Today, my family and I finished moving to Texas. As if that isn't bad enough, I'll have to introduce myself all over again to everyone I meet and explain that yes, my parents really did name me Lilypad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 480

You deserved it 4 326

30/10/2018 17:30

Today, my name was left off of the program at our band concert. I would have been fine with this if it wasn't the third time in a row that this has happened. Yes, I did show them each time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 730

You deserved it 124

Betrayal

By Anonymous - 12/07/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I found out my fiancé has been sexting my friend for about a month. I've already paid for our wedding, which was supposed to be next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 239

You deserved it 85

16/07/2012 20:57

Today, my husband and I agreed that he would name our first born and I would name our second. He's dead-set on naming our child "Raindropp" no matter whether it's a boy or girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 545

You deserved it 7 480

What could go wrong?

By Rebecca - 03/10/2020 23:07

Today, I slipped into an ATM vestibule quickly without a mask. The place smelled like the antiseptic at a doctor's office, so I figured, "What could go wrong?" Not more than 6 hours later, I found out that I’m sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 364

You deserved it 1 802

01/11/2011 05:01

Today, I was the 19th wheel at a party. Yes, I counted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 825

You deserved it 4 797

09/01/2014 00:53

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. They thought it would be funny to pretend that they're nudists. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 964

You deserved it 4 948

30/09/2010 08:04

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. I tried to hide my sadness from my mom. She still noticed, and tried to cheer me up. She took me to a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 626

You deserved it 3 193

06/09/2013 21:23

Today, at a job interview, I was asked what I thought of twerking. It was a bizarre question, but trying to get on the interviewer's good side, I said I thought it was pretty cool. He snorted and said I'll be job-seeking for a while yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 868

You deserved it 47 089

25/05/2012 17:56

Today, I replaced my car's windscreen wipers, after someone stole the last pair. After I finished, I went indoors for a drink. When I returned, the new ones had been stolen too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 509

You deserved it 2 223

02/06/2019 14:05

Today, I was volunteering at an Indian hospital through a Canadian volunteer agency after paying $3000. It was my first day, but I got deported for having an incorrect visa. I had a tourist visa when I was supposed to have a "miscellaneous" visa. I got deported for volunteering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 877

You deserved it 481

28/12/2013 20:07

Today, my girlfriend informed me that our relationship is an open one. This was only after I was told that when she was "stuck in traffic" two days ago, she was actually playing the triple-X version of Twister in my "best friend's" bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 996

You deserved it 3 367

20/01/2018 01:30

Today, my girlfriend asked if I could somehow get uncircumcised so I could add an inch to my length. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 892

You deserved it 475

02/10/2014 20:29

Today, my little sister had her second son. She is 31 and she named her sons after her favorite television characters, Sam and Dean Winchester. She has made it her life goal to make sure her husband never finds out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 250

You deserved it 4 853

02/11/2010 16:26

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time in four months since our baby was born, that I could really enjoy it. After we finished up we walked into the livingroom, where my white faced brother was sitting. He said we left the baby monitor on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 673

You deserved it 37 188

20/11/2015 23:52

Today, I drove to my cousin's house so he could help me fix my broken tail light. On the way there, I got pulled over for having a broken tail light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 272

You deserved it 3 714

02/05/2009 20:12

Today, I finished my SAT and was feeling pretty good about it. I decided to turn on my phone, since it was on silent. As the guy was collecting our tests, my phone vibrated a little. My score was cancelled. It was a text from my mom reminding me to turn off my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 359

You deserved it 87 860

12/05/2012 16:01

Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a very expensive vase, it panicked, rammed itself against a window, and shat all over the floor as it tried to get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 172

You deserved it 2 137

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Sunday 3 May 2009 2:38

>.< I would have puked more!

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Sunday 3 May 2009 2:42

@4 and 8, a lot of these take a couple days to get through the screening. @ OP, if the toilet was flushing how could it spray back up? usually when you flush the stuff goes down not up....

Comments

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Sunday 3 May 2009 2:37

first... is the spray really that powerful??

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Sunday 3 May 2009 2:38

gross

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Wednesday 7 April 2010 5:10

Sometimes I feel that way at lunch too, I just don't move for a few seconds and the feeling passes.

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Tuesday 25 September 2012 21:10

Prego?

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Sunday 3 May 2009 2:38

>.< I would have puked more!

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:39

An infinite loop!

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Sunday 3 May 2009 2:39

except theres no school on saturdays

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Sunday 3 May 2009 2:39

PENIS!

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Sunday 3 May 2009 2:40

well, atleast you could've tasted it again

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Sunday 3 May 2009 2:40

ewie..

MaddieMonster 0

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Sunday 3 May 2009 2:40

Exactly what I was thinking number 4.

HelloStarshine 0

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Sunday 3 May 2009 2:41

The FMLs don't necessarily have to be from today. The anecdote just requires it to start that way. OP: I'm so sorry.. That is horrible. I gagged while reading it.

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Sunday 3 May 2009 2:42

@4 and 8, a lot of these take a couple days to get through the screening. @ OP, if the toilet was flushing how could it spray back up? usually when you flush the stuff goes down not up....

how_to_implode 17

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Saturday 25 January 2014 0:55

The water gets sloshed around a bunch as it's sucked down, and some of it does end up spraying up. =/