Health: Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me....

By sicktomystomach - United States

Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time. As I was throwing up, I set off the toilet's automatic flush and my vomit came flying back into my face. FML

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Health

Coherence dude, do you have it?

The smell detective is on the case

Bad Moon Rising

By Zekrome - Canada - Markham

Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML

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By catfish - United States

Today, after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I tell him he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from those 70s movies, right down to the pimp-walk. He tells me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a dutch oven, with my own fart. FML

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By beaverfever - Poland - Kolobrzeg

Today, I wore a tank top for the first time in a few years. It turned out even worse than the last time. I got insulted by several people over my "Never say never" upper chest tattoo, which I got years ago, before the words ever became associated with a certain douchy Canadian pop "singer". FML

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By probablydeadbymidnight - United States

Today, I exchanged pictures with a guy I met online, whose devotion to his family really impressed me. In his picture, he was wearing clown makeup, holding a huge knife to his throat with one hand, and an ICP album in the other. All this with a psychopathic grin on his face. FML

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By giantsfan2010 - United States

Today, after working and saving up money for an entire year, I bought a 2001 VW Cabrio. I showed it to my friends, they all laughed at me and told me it was a girl's car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend feed his cat and change his profile on both myspace and facebook before saying to me that he was "Too busy to have sex." FML

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By Anonymous - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, after weeks of being engaged and with the wedding date planned, I finally told my parents. They told me it was my best April Fool's joke ever. I should've waited one more day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 8-year-old sister learned how to type her name into a phone using the number key-pad. I later found my phone on the kitchen counter with all my contacts under her name. FML

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By Singapore - United States - Shortsville

Today, my uncle gave me a lecture on how I eat too much "unhealthy" junk food, and that it can be very harmful for me. All the while smoking a cigarette. FML

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By Subliminal message - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

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By littleone37 - United States

Today, my mom and sister both told me that they don't like when I come visit with my boyfriend. They love my boyfriend and think he's great, it's me they have a problem with. FML

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By NotASquirrel - United States - Bronx

Today, I was using the urinal at work when an old guy started using the one next to mine. All of a sudden, he used that Ghostbusters' line, "Cross the streams!", and tried to pee into my urinal. I had to wait 4 hours in pee-drenched shoes until my shift was over. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while shopping with my 6-year-old daughter, she said, "Mommy, remember you wanna get duck tape!" A middle-aged guy nearby scoffed and told her: "DUCT, not DUCK. Dumb cunt." I ended up having to drive my bawling daughter home with no shopping. FML

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By wtfkasey - Canada - Dundas

Today, I walked in on a raccoon viciously tearing apart a giant bag of dog food, not five feet away from my sleeping dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a $105 parking ticket for being in a handicapped space. The lines were covered by snow, and the sign was on the building twenty feet away. FML

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By Anonymous

Birthday Boy

Today, it's my 16th birthday. It's also it is the day my parents scheduled my wisdom teeth to be pulled out. Happy birthday to me, then. FML

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By Hotmama - United States

Today, I was nice to my son's friend. He's 27 and needs to get a life. Now he won't stop texting me and flirting. I will have to escort him back, not just to the "friend zone", but to the "I'm twice your age and your friend's mom zone". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing so fast recently isn't because my son is wanking like a gibbon as I first thought. He's just been using our shredder to make streamers out of the stuff, then hiding it all in a box in his closet. Fucking hell, son. FML

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By college student - United States - Oxford

Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent a friend request on facebook to the only person I became friends with this semester at college. He denied me. FML

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By stanky - United States

Today, I was hanging out with this guy I've been trying to get for four months. I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. I walked out, glad that I was quiet about it. Ten minutes later, my mom walks out of the same bathroom and goes "Honey, you need to spray after you make a stinky" FML

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By badteacher - United States

Today, while I was substitute teaching a middle school class, a boy, named Chris, refused to get in the boy's line for the bathroom. After I had said, "Chris, what makes you think you're a girl?" in a very loud voice, one of the other students said "She is a girl." I've scarred a child for life. FML

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By tutusaurus - United States - Salinas

Today, I wrote the girl I love a long, gushy letter to convince her to be with me instead of her abusive ex. Later on, I asked her what she thought. She said she can't read cursive. She chose the ex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML

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By bargainshopper - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

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By effmylife - Canada

Today, when I was finished eating at McDonalds, I went to Shoppers to pick up a new toothbrush. I got back to my car only to find the windows smashed in. The only thing that was missing from my car was the Hello Kitty toy I got from McDonalds. Someone broke into my car for a 10 cent toy. FML

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By butch - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til dawn with my girlfriend and the chick in the apartment next to us. He doesn't know how I got them to agree to a threesome. Since I was at my folks all weekend, neither do I. FML

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By lefthandspanker - United States - Craig

Today, my slightly batshit insane grandma called me disgusting and unladylike. Why? For writing with my left hand. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's the 8th day in a row that my mother-in-law has made me drink laxative tea. I still haven't pooped yet and I'm terrified of what's to come. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, whilst texting my boyfriend on the train, I noticed the woman sitting next to me staring intently at my phone. After letting my boyfriend know, he sent a message saying, "Are we gonna involve the dog again? Last night was fun." She gasped and screamed that I'm a "twisted dog-humping bitch." FML

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By regected - United States

Today, I went to the movies with the girl I liked. She kept on eating my popcorn so I whispered in her ear "Pretty soon your going to have to repay me with kisses." Then she looked at me and walked out the theatre. She came back with a bucket of popcorn and said "Here, you're repaid." FML

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By NoMeatFail - Canada

Today, I was eating Campbell's vegetable soup. Halfway through, I started to read the ingredients and found beef broth. I have been a vegetarian for seven years. FML

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By anon - United States - Poquoson

Today, the power went out at school. If it's out for more than twenty minutes, standard procedure is to let us go home. They came back on almost nineteen minutes later. FML

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30170

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By why they bomb - Canada - Campbell River

Today, feeling in need of a self-esteem boost, I took what I thought was a good selfie and I put it on Facebook. Out of 500 friends, the only response I got was a picture of Saddam Hussein with the caption, "This is why I bomb people." FML

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By justme - France

Today, I was about to take a crap when the smoke alarm went off. I ran out of the bathroom and tried to run downstairs. I tripped and shit on myself. The alarm had gone off cause my kid put my wallet in the toaster. FML

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By Missy - United States

Today, I told my mom I broke up with my boyfriend because he wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready. Her reply? "Well, you can't stay a virgin forever." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2020 20:00

And today on Maury…

Today, I was driving my best friend home when he admitted to being gay. I was glad he could trust me with a secret like this. Until he admitted to having sex with my boyfriend. FML

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By Thatgirl112 - United States - Medina

Today, I went on a blind date. Things got hot and heavy, but when he pulled off my pants and saw the Pittsburgh Penguins logo on my thong he stopped and told me to get dressed and that he refused to sleep with the enemy. He was a die-hard Flyers fan. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, my boyfriend bought me a silver necklace. I have a silver allergy, but I thanked him anyway and encouraged him to return it. I found out later that he knew about my allergy all along and bought it on purpose so he could return it, get a refund, and still look good. FML

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Top comments

By acid_fml | 0

#163440 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:38

>.< I would have puked more!

By pkmlove | 0

#163450 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:42

@4 and 8, a lot of these take a couple days to get through the screening.

@ OP, if the toilet was flushing how could it spray back up? usually when you flush the stuff goes down not up....

COMMENTS

By maddierox13 | 0

#163435 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:37

first...

is the spray really that powerful??

By renthead88 | 0

#163439 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:38

gross

zach055 | 23

#975485 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 5:10

Sometimes I feel that way at lunch too, I just don't move for a few seconds and the feeling passes.

jpest17 | 5

#4971586 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 21:10

Prego?

By acid_fml | 0

#163440 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:38

>.< I would have puked more!

CSweeney | 2

#4794560 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:39

An infinite loop!

By dr_house_MD | 0

#163441 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:39

except theres no school on saturdays

By newguy_fml | 0

#163442 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:39

PENIS!

By _apecakez | 0

#163443 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:40

well, atleast you could've tasted it again

By Roddsy | 0

#163445 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:40

ewie..

By MaddieMonster | 0

#163447 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:40

Exactly what I was thinking number 4.

By HelloStarshine | 0

#163449 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:41

The FMLs don't necessarily have to be from today. The anecdote just requires it to start that way.

OP: I'm so sorry.. That is horrible. I gagged while reading it.

By pkmlove | 0

#163450 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:42

@4 and 8, a lot of these take a couple days to get through the screening.

@ OP, if the toilet was flushing how could it spray back up? usually when you flush the stuff goes down not up....

how_to_implode | 17

#5838202 - Saturday 25 January 2014 0:55

The water gets sloshed around a bunch as it's sucked down, and some of it does end up spraying up. =/