Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me....

By sicktomystomach - United States

Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time. As I was throwing up, I set off the toilet's automatic flush and my vomit came flying back into my face. FML

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70571

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Health

Serious times

Instadrama

Dicks aplenty!

By Sadmom - United States

Today, my 7 year old daughter decided to use my laptop without my permission. She accidentally got SpaghettiOs on the screen, then used the hard side of a sponge, filled with soapy water, to scrub both the keyboard and screen of my laptop to clean it off so Mommy wouldn't know. FML

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42524

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML

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16658

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By anon - United Kingdom - London

Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, 'Congratulations, you have a new match'. FML

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28650

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By fallen - United States - Merion Station

Today, I came into work feeling good about myself and my upcoming plans. I left before noon with a box of my belongings and uncertainty about my future, having been suddenly laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4833

You deserved it

278

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By hungry - United States

Today, I heard that there was supposed to be a huge blizzard heading our way, so I went out to stock up on groceries. After spending $600 on food, I drove home and packed most of it into the fridge and freezer just in time for our power to go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44536

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went on my porch for a late night cigarette. When I opened the door and took one step inside, all I remember is a big thud. I woke up 5 minutes later with my Father over top of me saying "nice right hook, huh?" Then he chuckled. He thought I was a burgler and he knocked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58265

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By LadyDean - United States

Today, my boyfriend came home, chugged a beer, and passed out in our bed without saying hello or goodnight to me. I've been on vacation for a week and was hoping to cuddle. But no, if I try to touch him, he hits me and growls. FML

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35029

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By mike - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of one week is suicidal and crazy about me. She showed me that she carved her old boyfriends name in her arm and she threatened suicide if I ever left her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45372

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my father had a dream that he'd lost me forever, and the pain was so unbearable, it woke him up. Turns out, the pain he was experiencing was just his bowels and he really needed to take a shit. This is the most affection I've ever received from my father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29908

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By Brookie Bear

Today, I received a Saturday detention because the assignment I'd handed in had different handwriting. I've been practicing my handwriting skills for the past month. FML

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4985

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By 1000dollarspoor - United States

Today, while working on my laptop, I accidentally spilled a glass of water. I quickly moved my laptop out of the way of the oncoming stream. It fell on the floor and broke. FML

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By thankshun13 - United Kingdom

Today, my fiancé told me that the thought of having sex with a pregnant woman repulsed him. I'm pregnant. He's glad he got that off his chest FML

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30472

You deserved it

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By kissless - United States

Today, my boyfriend left for a month-long trip with his buddies. I stood near the door waiting for a goodbye kiss. He kissed his xbox goodbye instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41317

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By WhatADickens

The early bird gets the worm!

Today, after working on my novel for two years, I found out that another book has recently been published with an almost identical plot. I was going to submit it to a publisher in two days. FML

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4672

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By can’t sleep - 17/6/2020 17:04

Get it on, bang a gong

Today, and for the fourth time in a week, my 60-year-old neighbors have woken me up by having obnoxiously loud sex. Complete with over the top moaning and the headboard smashing against our shared wall. When I asked them nicely to quiet down, they laughed and called me jealous. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1713

You deserved it

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By JONNO

Today, I got fired from my position as a financial investor for giving a client the exact investment he asked for, even though the investment was out of my mandate, and I had gone to my direct manager to authorize the investment. My manager was promoted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2177

You deserved it

147

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By Hide -n- Seek - United States - Grand Prairie

Hide and Seek

Today, someone left a note on the front door saying "Let's play Hide and Seek". Who ever left the note apparently took my tires off my truck and scattered them. So far, I found one in my pool, and 2 outside my neighborhood. I still can't find the last one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2294

You deserved it

131

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By Deadpool434 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I found a book in my attic that I always read when I was a kid. For old times sake I read it again. On the very first page, child me had written, "Go to page 15" so I did. On page 15, in big red letters, it said, "Get bent". I got pranked by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33472

You deserved it

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By schooyou101 - United States - Prairie Village

Today, my crazy psychopath of a neighbor sent me an email with the subject, "So, about your sex life." I've been sitting here for 20 minutes staring at it because I'm too scared to open it. FML

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38724

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find The Sims 2 running on pause on my laptop. I unpaused to find my character and my boyfriend's were no longer together. Slightly confused, I went on to find the note my boyfriend left. It said, "I hope you can take a hint." I got dumped through a computer game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

90266

You deserved it

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By xorenae - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had an interview for an office job. As a requirement, I had to show up dressed for the job. My friend has worked there for years and told me it was casual dress. I wore jeans and a blouse. Everyone else had on business suits. Obviously my friend doesn't know what casual means. FML

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29906

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By omfg

Addictive

Today, I was introduced to Minecraft. I haven't blinked in 5 hours. FML

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598

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, for about the fifth time, my neighbors parked blocking my driveway. After parking across the street I stuck a note on their windshield reading “Nice park job asshole“, only to find out that their nephew just passed away and everyone was gathering to go to the viewing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Daphne

Today, I went to Waffle House to talk to the manager about getting a job. My boyfriend now wants to beat up the manager for giving me his number so that I can call him whenever I'm done filling in the application. FML

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By meeee - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a serious argument and he stormed out of the house mad. Why? I wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of his knob. FML

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44174

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 20:02

Johnny Weissmuller over here

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

I agree, your life sucks

642

You deserved it

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By girlfriday - United Kingdom

Today, my left-handed boss needed PC help. I said "right-click for the menu." She said nothing happened. Three times we went through this. Eventually I went over, asking her to show me what she did. She was using her right hand on the left mouse button. She earns £10,000 more than me. FML

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64987

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By Anonymous - United States - Winchester

Today, I found out that of the three medications I am taking for depression, one causes weight gain, one causes severe weight gain, and one "might cause weight gain." FML

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32184

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By SleeplessinNJ - 20/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Raritan

Kick the bum out

Today, after spending money on all the furniture and decor in our apartment, paying rent every month from my bank account, paying for all the groceries, and paying for all the dog supplies, my fiance asked why I don't keep saving thousands of dollars every month, while he pays for none of it. FML

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1006

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By CheeseyPotatoes - United States

Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML

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23647

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By me - Bulgaria

Today, my roommate asked me to lock the door as we left our place. I told her to use my keys, because my hands were full. Afterwards, she and her boyfriend set off out of town for the next couple of days. She forgot to give me back my keys. FML

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26968

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By Gloria Lovestar

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

Today, my husband explained that talking to me makes him miserable. FML

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1527

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By notmyfam - Australia - Chester Hill

Today, my boyfriend stood me up. At dinner with his parents. FML

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15471

You deserved it

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By AwkwardMoments

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6771

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up cold. The guy I had sex with last night stole my blanket. He also took everything out of my freezer, and all of my soap, shampoo, and conditioner. The number he left me was for a pizza place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17242

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By Shropintz - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to move out. Excited, thinking he wanted us to move out from his mom's house, I said, "Yeah! Just you and me?" to which he smirked and replied, "No, just you." FML

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37141

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23132

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By branded - United States

Today, I found out the tattoo signifying my marriage turned out to be more permanent than the marriage itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24407

You deserved it

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By green and not with envy - Canada - Toronto

Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML

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46674

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By aaaaahhhh - Australia - Chatswood

Today, as a learner driver, I embarked on my longest drive ever: back home, from Sydney to Melbourne, which is around a 700km drive. I managed to get the whole way without any problems. I crashed into my driveway. FML

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Top comments

By acid_fml | 0

#163440 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:38

>.< I would have puked more!

By pkmlove | 0

#163450 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:42

@4 and 8, a lot of these take a couple days to get through the screening.

@ OP, if the toilet was flushing how could it spray back up? usually when you flush the stuff goes down not up....

COMMENTS

By maddierox13 | 0

#163435 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:37

first...

is the spray really that powerful??

By renthead88 | 0

#163439 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:38

gross

zach055 | 23

#975485 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 5:10

Sometimes I feel that way at lunch too, I just don't move for a few seconds and the feeling passes.

jpest17 | 5

#4971586 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 21:10

Prego?

By acid_fml | 0

#163440 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:38

>.< I would have puked more!

CSweeney | 2

#4794560 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:39

An infinite loop!

By dr_house_MD | 0

#163441 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:39

except theres no school on saturdays

By newguy_fml | 0

#163442 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:39

PENIS!

By _apecakez | 0

#163443 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:40

well, atleast you could've tasted it again

By Roddsy | 0

#163445 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:40

ewie..

By MaddieMonster | 0

#163447 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:40

Exactly what I was thinking number 4.

By HelloStarshine | 0

#163449 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:41

The FMLs don't necessarily have to be from today. The anecdote just requires it to start that way.

OP: I'm so sorry.. That is horrible. I gagged while reading it.

By pkmlove | 0

#163450 - Sunday 3 May 2009 2:42

@4 and 8, a lot of these take a couple days to get through the screening.

@ OP, if the toilet was flushing how could it spray back up? usually when you flush the stuff goes down not up....

how_to_implode | 17

#5838202 - Saturday 25 January 2014 0:55

The water gets sloshed around a bunch as it's sucked down, and some of it does end up spraying up. =/