By Anonymous - 1/12/2020 05:02

Lonely, so lonely

Today, after a nice Thanksgiving with my parents and the question about when I'll bring a woman with me to meet them, I absent-mindedly typed the old dating site. I swiped completely dry with no responses into my browser, reminding myself that my entire city didn't have one person interested in dating me. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Sorry…

Late term

By Grandson - United States - Ontario

Today, I watched as my grandma beat the shit out of my dad at the zoo. FML

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By fail - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years called me on Skype while he was taking a crap. Think it's a sign that maybe we've been dating for too long. FML

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By Billie-Jo - 22/3/2021 09:01 - United States - Waldoboro

Can someone just help this person?

Today, I got a new smart TV and I can't do anything with it until I log into my Amazon account on it. It won't let me log on. Now I can't use the TV. This is just great. FML

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By MimiFufu

I am what I am

Today, yet again I got delayed in airport security. One month ago, I thought it was a good idea to wear make-up when renewing my passport. It turns out I look nothing like myself without makeup. Hello shattered confidence and 5 years of needing to wear makeup for every flight. FML

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By foreveralone - Australia - Perth

Today, someone finally told me that they couldn't live without me and that they love me more than anything. It was a student in my year 1 class. FML

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By samikai523 - United States

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

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By toastedguy - United States

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I managed to electrocute myself on a plug socket while I was showing a group of trainee electricians how not to electrocute themselves while rewiring a plug socket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend and I decided to wear a new red lipstick. The guy I like turned around, looked at her and said, "Red is a really interesting, sexy color. Pretty bold. Not bad." and he smiled. I waited, smiling also, only for him frown and say, "Your teeth are REALLY yellow." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, like most days, I spent my lunch break with a sandwich in one hand while typing with the other, trying to keep up with my work load, while my coworker took a nap. We're supposed to be doing the same job, but he refuses to learn most of the software. The boss is fine with this. FML

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By

Strange noise

Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Omaha

Today, I came into the kitchen to see how dinner was coming along. My mother was milling the meat around the skillet with the cat's poop scooper as a spatula. FML

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By embarrassed - United Kingdom

Today, I texted my Dad to tell him I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and won't be home. Since I had predictive text on, my phone didn't quite get the word 'home' - the message I sent said, 'I'm staying at Will's, I'll not be good tonight.' FML

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By BleakExpectations

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years revealed he'd got me a complete collection of Charles Dickens' novels for £3 from a charity shop. He was particularly proud as he said it meant he could give me one for Christmas and my birthday each year, thus avoiding having to buy me presents for the next 15+ years. FML

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By murphslaw - United States

Today, as I was doing the morning count for the registers, a lady walked by and saw me. She's got Alzheimer's, and thought I was robbing the guy I'd bought the store from, so she called the cops. I spent six hours in jail while they looked into it, and didn't even get an apology. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Palo Alto

Today, working as a waitress, I was asked by a customer, yet again, how my baby was doing. I don't have a baby, but I do look very similar to my 25-year-old coworker, who's a new mom. People confuse us all the time. Unfortunately, my crush, who was standing nearby, doesn't know that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "the Fuckinator." FML

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By nose hurts - United States - Richmond

Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By katie_sadface - Canada

Today, I learned why so much money has been missing from my credit card account. My boyfriend stole it, and has been buying toys for his 3 children. I never knew he had kids. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Paderborn

Today, at work, a woman demanded a refund for a video game. She had no receipt, so due to company policy, I couldn't refund her. She reacted by loudly accusing me of being racist, then yelled that she'd see me in court as she finally stormed out. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was watching 24 and realized that Jack Bauer had gotten more action in 5 hours than I had in 5 months. FML

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By Mrs. Ned - United States - Incline Village

Today, I walked in on my husband having sex with the shower wall. When I got in the shower with him he immediately went soft. FML

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By bob the builders pissed off daughter - United States - Campbell

Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML

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By JayBausch - United States

Today, I went to retrieve my sneakers that my wife made me leave outside the door of our hotel room. Somebody had shat in one of them. FML

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By PaePae - United States - Columbia

Today, I found out that I'm sensitive to the NuvaRing. It felt like I was a buffet for fire ants. FML

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By Isabell - Australia

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

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By xRyu - United States - Denver

Today, I found out via a voicemail from my boss that my hours are being cut. He said, "They said I can't fire you, so you'll only be getting 20 hours a week. Starting today." Who'd they give my other 20 hours to? The one person that calls off sick almost daily and is never on time. FML

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By imgonnadie - United States - Spring Hill

Today, I'm staying with my grandma and her older sister while my parents are away. It's been two hours and so far they've popped vicodins, talked about banging Alex Trebek, and had a farting contest. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, my commitment issues were perfectly illustrated when I couldn't put a nail in the wall to hang a painting, because, "What if I change my mind?" FML

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By Jack

Today, my washing machine broke down, within its warranty. I asked my neighbour if she could open the door for the mechanic while I was at work; she agreed. When I came home, I had a bill for 80 bucks for not opening the door. Her reason? She was busy watching her favorite TV show. FML

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By Lyn - France

Today, I discovered that I'm adopted. How? After a great lunch, I asked my uncle how he'd made the salad dressing. He replied, "Haha! It's a secret family recipe, my dear!" I wouldn't have thought twice about it, were it not for my parents' shocked expressions, and the long, awkward silence. FML

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By jenA - United States

Today, I got a sweet promotion at my job. Instead of being happy and celebrating with me, my boyfriend broke up with me because he is jealous that I'm more successful than he is. FML

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By slut - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother screamed at me for half an hour, calling me a slut because she found a black lacy thong in my boyfriend's bed. I didn't have the heart to tell her it wasn't mine. FML

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By no good deed... etc

Well Well Well

Today, I tried to surprise my mom and wash her car while she was away. Today, I also found out how gross our well water is. The car looks worse than before. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that if I'm not home and my roommates have girls over, my room is the designated "fart room". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kid said he had to use the bathroom. When I told him to go ahead, he said he just did. He was on my lap. He wasn't wearing pants. FML

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By a man - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the movies. When the "love scene" came on, she leaned over and made out with the wrong man. FML

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By PntsLessWonder - United States

Today, I left my friend this big Facebook wall comment about how adorable his son is. Just after posting, I read the other peoples' comments and find out that it's his daughter. FML

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By karmasabitch - United States

Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML

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By FML4evs - United States

Pete Townshend has a lot to answer for

Today, my little brother watched an old video of The Who, who are know for smashing up their guitars and such. He decided it would be cool to try it with mine. That guitar was worth over $3000. FML

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Top comments

By Crowned Sataness | 6

#7955365 - Tuesday 1 December 2020 5:40

look up tips and re write your profile.

By tounces7 | 27

#7955527 - Wednesday 2 December 2020 2:34

That sounds like Tinder, which is most shallow "dating site" there is. Try a site that actually attracts people with words, and not just pictures. You'll get someone more intelligent that way, too.

COMMENTS

By Crowned Sataness | 6

#7955365 - Tuesday 1 December 2020 5:40

look up tips and re write your profile.

By tounces7 | 27

#7955527 - Wednesday 2 December 2020 2:34

That sounds like Tinder, which is most shallow "dating site" there is. Try a site that actually attracts people with words, and not just pictures. You'll get someone more intelligent that way, too.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7955528 - Wednesday 2 December 2020 2:36

Come see me when the whole planet doesn't want to date you.