Today, I gave my friend a ride to town so she wouldn't have to...

By Username - 4/12/2010 21:04 - United States

Today, I gave my friend a ride to town so she wouldn't have to pay the $10 to park. While waiting to pick her up, I grabbed a bite to eat. Upon returning to my car, I found a $55 parking ticket on my windshield. FML

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Money

Nice neighborhood

A beautiful truck decoration

Not a cheating!

By Pain_intolerant - 11/3/2011 14:11 - Canada

Today, I caught my finger in a sliding door. It made me pass out and give myself a concussion. My genetics would rather slam my face into the floor than deal with a pinched finger. FML

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By jonboy - 9/5/2009 20:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a new comfy duvet and pillow and was looking forward to a good night's sleep. I got into bed and was followed by my dog, who then threw up the tub of butter he had just stolen from the kitchen onto my brand new bed spread. FML

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By rj - 6/3/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist after 24 hours of severe tooth pain. They did an emergency root canal. After the anesthesia wore off, within minutes, the pain returned only worse than before. Called the dentist, I had to return, only to find they had done the root canal on the wrong tooth. FML

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By seriously?! - 11/2/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going to take me out somewhere special, so I called in sick for work. Turns out he had made reservations for the restaurant I worked at. FML

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By malebonding - 17/8/2009 13:50 - United States

Today, I slept in late and when I woke up, thought I was the only one in the house so I decided to walk around the corner to the only upstairs bathroom naked. My dad also slept in, also thought he was the only one in the house, and also decided to walk to the bathroom naked. We collided. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2013 04:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the store to buy oranges and pick up a pack of condoms. When we were at the checkout counter, my boyfriend happily told the cashier, "The only way we can have sex is if we squeeze oranges all over our bodies." FML

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By RaveCharlie - 18/4/2013 22:47 - United States

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend twice. Apparently the first time she thought I was kidding. FML

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By hatemyjob - 27/10/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I arrived at work and was immediately given a disciplinary write-up for being two hours late for my shift. Apparently the manager had changed my schedule that morning and failed to tell me. FML

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By Cathy - 14/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, my husband was choosing an auto insurance. Geico was $500 and Allstate was $200. He chose Geico because it had a 'cute little lizard.' FML

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By Lisa - 1/10/2012 21:09 - United States - Bayside

Today, my boyfriend told me that the main reason he was dating me was because he was intimidated by pretty girls. FML

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By karen - 27/9/2019 14:00

I'm a meme

Today, as always, my name is Karen. FML

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By annie - 14/10/2018 12:00

Today, my mother-in-law visited. She saw my 5-year-old son rip open a chip bag, causing chips go everywhere. She got up in his face and started screaming at him about how he has an "attitude problem". He doesn't, he's autistic and genuinely has trouble with food packaging. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 23:44 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML

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By Not Wanted - 7/9/2014 01:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I'm moving out of the house. My little sister can't wait and I've never seen my dad so happy. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2015 15:45 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was out with my youngest cousin and we had to stop for gas. Since he just got his license, I asked if he wanted to pump the gas while I went into the station to get snacks and pay. He pumped my car full of diesel. FML

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By um...no? i don't think so anyway - 15/12/2013 19:16 - United States - Warren

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I feel. She instantly burst out laughing and said "A crush? Dude, what are you, 12?! Hahaha!" FML

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By varunet2004 - 11/6/2015 19:50 - India

Today, I confronted my boss for his inadequate contribution in our work. He accepted his inadequacy and apologized for not doing enough. He now expects me to work on everything singlehandedly since he has already clarified his inadequacy. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2016 00:35 - United States - Nottingham

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I was afraid that one of their many cats would pee on me. I was peed on all right, by my grandma. FML

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By carsuck - 11/11/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

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By marriedtoatool - 26/12/2012 06:15 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I received from my husband for Christmas the body lotion that only he uses. And nothing else. FML

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By holyshitbatman - 22/9/2012 14:06 - United States - Chicago

Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML

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By anonymous - 6/7/2011 15:21 - United States

Today, my mother told me she wanted me to get an exorcism. Yes, she was serious. I'm Jewish. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2010 17:35 - Canada

Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML

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By poorman - 9/10/2009 23:22 - Canada

Today, my mother, who religiously checks her bank account after every purchase, then shreds her receipts, got fed up with me not doing the same. So she shredded all my piled up receipts. These include the 100s of dollars I had spent for my work, which I need the receipts to get reimbursed for. FML

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By fiery - 24/7/2010 00:06 - United States

Today, I was reaching for something in the back of the refrigerator. The bottle of hot sauce that was in front of it fell and broke. Not only did the glass cut my feet up, but the hot sauce got in the fresh wounds. FML

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By leela - 25/5/2013 22:13 - United States

Today, a group of guys came into my restaurant, dressed up in some kind of role-playing game clothing. Apparently I pronounced one of their fake elf names wrong, because the guy complained to my manager, who then bitched me out in front of everyone for upsetting the customers. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, I zoned out in a coffee shop for about two minutes and was brought back to reality when a woman smacked me out of my seat. Apparently I was staring at her chest while zoned out. FML

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By Viciousvixen_21 - 2/4/2011 07:35 - United States

Today, I asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys. When I bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards, he punched me in the nose. FML

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By WheatiesMan - 15/6/2016 10:52

Today, I'm on a class trip to Washington DC. Last night, my roommate took a shower, and I decided that I would take one in the morning. This morning, I found out after I got out of the shower that my roommate used one towel for drying himself, and the other for a mat. He didn't hang either of them up. FML

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By Awkward - 22/10/2014 00:36 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I had to google the definition of transsexual just to know what the hell my friends were talking about. I need to read a book. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told his best friend to text my sister telling her to tell me that he was breaking up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2011 13:36 - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Stevenson Ranch

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes

Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML

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By jdch_99 - 3/11/2012 05:34 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I'm at home, sick with walking pneumonia and a raging UTI. Every time I cough, I piss myself. I'm now having to lie on a bath towel and garbage bags until the meds kick in. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2014 21:49 - United States - Washington

Today, school was out because of snow. My dad walked in my room and shouted "Why are you home?!" I told him why, and he replied, "Then get out the damn house and play in the snow." He tossed me out in nothing but my shorts. FML

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By homedoggieo - 14/7/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I was eating a croissant. After eating half of it and about to take another bite, a spider crawled out of one of the holes of flaky deliciousness and descended down a thread of web to the table, where it scuddled away. There was a whole family of them living in there. FML

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By Steve.mc - 1/5/2011 07:03 - Canada

Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML

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By annony-moose - 6/2/2010 18:48 - France

Today, I was feeling hungry, so I went to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal. I found hundreds of weevils festering in my Lucky Charms. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2010 09:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that I'm so bored of my relationship with my girlfriend, I'd rather make sure I don't break the springs in my bed than make love to her. FML

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By OompaLoompa - 18/6/2009 13:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to use fake tan, seeing as I am so pale. Everywhere I have been today, I have had children behind me. Singing the Oompa Loompa song. FML

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Top comments

By Rhegium | 0

#1794360 - Sunday 5 December 2010 1:52

Maybe you should park in the right place next time? YDI.

By CodingSquirrel | 3

#1794599 - Sunday 5 December 2010 3:13

Today, I got caught parking illegally, FML.

YDI.

Comments

By Immersion | 0

#1794296 - Sunday 5 December 2010 1:37

facepalm :L

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1795522 - Sunday 5 December 2010 4:40

lesson learned. dont help people

charleycake | 0

#1795961 - Sunday 5 December 2010 8:12

LESBIANS!!!

EffinAhole | 0

#1797153 - Sunday 5 December 2010 13:44

^ what?

brutuka | 2

#4741786 - Friday 27 July 2012 22:42

A thousan suns?

By Fortuitous | 0

#1794304 - Sunday 5 December 2010 1:39

One good deed deserves a fucking bitch slap to the cunt/penis.

Bobissmall | 13

#1794396 - Sunday 5 December 2010 1:59

Parking in the right place isn't a good dead though :P

Fortuitous | 0

#1794615 - Sunday 5 December 2010 3:16

*mega facepalm* Good DEAD? What in the name of the holy Christ that never once had intercourse is a good DEAD? Motherfucking wolf balls, what has this world come to? Somebody help me!

DocBastard | 38

#1795439 - Sunday 5 December 2010 4:15

*writes Fortuitous a prescription for Xanax, Ativan, and Absolut*

11colio11 | 4

#1795657 - Sunday 5 December 2010 5:32

omg relax! a typo on the Internet! oh dear god! /sarcasm

BDTM | 0

#1795964 - Sunday 5 December 2010 8:12

#27 so you didn't want him to relax?

By Doortje | 28

#1794314 - Sunday 5 December 2010 1:43

So much for good deeds huh?

By 77taylah33 | 0

#1794341 - Sunday 5 December 2010 1:48

Ouch but he/she is your friend so you can have time together and you do anything for your friends

By Rhegium | 0

#1794360 - Sunday 5 December 2010 1:52

Maybe you should park in the right place next time? YDI.

By skatingalyy | 0

#1794383 - Sunday 5 December 2010 1:56

wow that sucks.

By polofan15 | 0

#1794506 - Sunday 5 December 2010 2:43

make her pay u half

emilisaurus_rawr | 0

#1800707 - Monday 6 December 2010 4:46

that would make sense :3

opinionatedhuman | 13

#6499809 - Saturday 2 January 2016 20:39

No it doesn't, he got the 55 dollar ticket for not paying the 10 dollars to park, why he would get out of his car knowing that makes him an idiot

By foxre28 | 0

#1794508 - Sunday 5 December 2010 2:43

this is why you either 1. make sure the meter has enough time 2. make sure your not in a no parking zone. ydi.

By wizard_skeleton | 2

#1794540 - Sunday 5 December 2010 2:59

You know, parking restrictions are usually displayed on those things called signs. Maybe you should learn to read. Don't lie, you know you had someone else type and submit this for you.

Amelia Wood | 7

#7519995 - Thursday 3 August 2017 11:37

What a horrible comment!

By CodingSquirrel | 3

#1794599 - Sunday 5 December 2010 3:13

Today, I got caught parking illegally, FML.

YDI.