Today, I found out that my friend's family has been using red...

By ILoveLamps - 25/3/2015 06:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that my friend's family has been using red paper to help his little brother with his potty training. "Aim for the red!" they would say to him. I guess today was a bad day to wear red pants. FML

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Kids

Rock, hard place

Mind your own beeswax

Billy no-mates

By Anonymous - 5/11/2018 22:00

Today, my dad is refusing to let me marry my fiancé because he said no when my dad asked for a loan of £10,000 to help clear some gambling debts. Apparently that shows my fiancé has poor family values and will be a bad father and an alcoholic husband. Impressive logical thinking there. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, my friend got drunk. He always pukes when he gets drunk, but I decided to drive him home anyway. He didn't puke the whole ride. We arrived at his house and he got out. Right as I was about to drive away he stumbled back to my car because he forgot his wallet. He grabbed it and puked on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 14:44 - Canada

Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my porn stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML

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By NotABeatenWoman - 9/11/2015 00:36 - United States - Charleston

Today, I found out everyone in my neighborhood thinks that I'm a beaten woman due to the reoccurring ambulances in front of my house at night. My kid just chokes on everything, and they don't believe me. FML

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By Bobby - 29/5/2017 22:00

Today, I went to a bone and joint specialist because of excruciating back pain. Before the examination, the doctor told me that the possible reasons for the pain could be arthritis, sciatica, or scoliosis. After the examination, I found out that I have all three. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 20:00 - United States - New Orleans

Thanks for the setup, dude

Today, I was set up on a date by a coworker. The guy turned up late, but whatever. He then spent 30 breathlessly long minutes complaining about his "bitch of an ex." Then he spent another 30 minutes trying to convince me that the QAnon bullshit was real. I had to pull the whole 'fake emergency phone call' to get the hell out of there. FML

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By Emptyspace - 25/6/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I found my long lost diary and curiously read it. What's worse than finding out that your mother read your diary? Finding out that your mother wrote comments in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2017 20:00

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2013 16:02 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He wants us to stay friends, though, so he can continue to use my coffee maker. FML

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By mark - 31/12/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML

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By 613tanner - 19/5/2011 05:30

Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time". He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2017 16:00

Today, I found my dad smoking the weed he grounded me for having. FML

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By GroosedOut - 20/8/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I saw my wife pick her nose and suck on her fingers. We're 38. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 13:17 - United States - Gadsden

Today, I accidentally Googled "best types of incest" instead of "best types of incense" on the family computer. The parental controls went nuts. I'm now grounded, and my parents are convinced I need psychiatric help. FML

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By whereismyprince? - 18/12/2013 17:01 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I met a great guy at the bar, and we went back to my place. He left before I woke up, leaving a badly-scrawled note saying, "Gone to work, call me!" I couldn't make out the number. FML

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By hoogimo - 24/11/2010 10:55

Today, after buying my girlfriend a $700 bracelet for Christmas, I hinted that I wanted a pair of Oakleys. She told me I shouldn't get her anything and that I should expect even less. FML

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By BlueMacaw - 16/9/2015 06:53 - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, I accidentally threw a glass of iced tea in my own face, because the restaurant I'd patronized for over a decade switched from heavy glass mugs to identical light-as-a-feather plastic mugs. FML

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By Hurtingincanada - 17/10/2018 05:00

Today, I woke up with bronchitis and hemorrhoids. I'm getting married in 3 days. FML

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By willywonks - 21/3/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After I knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized, only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background, "Baby, who's there?" FML

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By ellen77 - 13/9/2013 05:55 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I had to babysit two kids. It all went well until one of them duct taped a knife to a toy machine gun, lit the barbecue on fire, and ran around like a wild banshee screaming obscenities. The other one got scared and climbed onto the roof of the house. FML

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By john r.t. - 10/11/2012 00:30 - United States - Eagle Pass

Today, I walked in on my son teabagging his sister over a video game. FML

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By bathroomgirl - 11/8/2011 16:09 - United States

Today, thinking I was alone in a public bathroom, I started singing the words to my favorite song. A minute later that I heard a toilet flush, so I just sat there petrified. The other person sarcastically picked up the singing from where I left off. FML

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By princess - 17/3/2009 05:06 - Canada

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML

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By unloved - 18/1/2010 05:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife changed her name back to her maiden name. Why? So people would stop asking questions about us. We have been married for 15 years. FML

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By potatoes - 17/1/2012 03:16 - United States

Today, my dad got me to dance with him. After about a minute of waltzing to a song on the radio, he stepped away and said, "You smell bad. You need to take a shower." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 03:25 - United States

Today, I had to choose between living with my over protective dad who only uses me for free childcare, or my pot smoking mom who always needs to borrow money. FML

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By tinaburrito - 26/1/2010 21:33 - France

Today, I found out my bank account was in the negative because my work gave me a check that didn't clear. I went to my bank to get a statement of charges so my job could reimburse me. They told me requesting a statement costs 8 dollars, which I don't have because my account is in the negative. FML

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By "Brain_fart" - 18/9/2017 05:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

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By tomchuq - 30/8/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, I realized I can hold a pencil in my fat rolls. FML

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By poncho31 - 22/5/2010 08:08 - United States

Today, I drove 6 hours to make a job interview missing my best friends' wedding. The interview is actually tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 22:05 - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her parents seemed upset, so I tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Hey, at least the weekend is coming up and you guys won't have to go in for work." Apparently, they were upset because they both got laid off from their jobs today. FML

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By - 27/12/2019 20:00

Our anniversary

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blowjob from me. FML

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By whoops - 29/6/2014 20:37 - United States - Hicksville

Today, my mom told me to take out the trash. I thought it would be a good idea to Hulk-smash it into the can. I missed. The bag ripped and garbage flew everywhere. FML

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By unworthyoflove - 9/6/2020 14:07

Parenting 101

Today, I told my parents that I was going to stop being so hard on myself all the time. They responded by calling me a narcissist. FML

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By justmeagain - 11/12/2018 12:00

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She sent me a link to a story online about a woman who abused her dog to the point of death and I didn’t vomit while reading it. According to her, that makes me a “heartless monster.” FML

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By jillie minaj - 9/7/2012 21:06 - United States

Today, I'm accused of vandalizing a cop car during a night of partying, and in so doing, violating my parole. While talking with my lawyer, who I spent all my savings on, I said he could hire better than his hideous secretary. Turns out she's his wife. I think I'm now more screwed than ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 04:34 - United States

Today, I was at the gas station pumping gas when the lady in front of me had a little boy who asked if he could pump the gas. She said yes and then quickly answered her phone, as it was ringing. She wasn't watching him and he pulled out the pump to early, spraying gas all over me, including my face. FML

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By Boobs McGee - 31/10/2016 02:48

Today, I should probably throw out my old, torn dress as my boob popped out to say hello to a passing car. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, my husband bought me a bouquet of roses. They caused me to sneeze seven times in a row. That was the closest he's ever got me to an orgasm. FML

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By shitbucketsfilledwithshit - 8/10/2015 16:04 - United States - Spring

Today, while walking home after a night of partying, I saw a thin, bald person in a suit looking at me from across the street. I got flashbacks to the Slender Man, screamed like a little bitch and ran. Then I realized I'd just humiliated myself in front of some random guy waiting for a bus. FML

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Top comments

By amadeclton | 26

#6242819 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:13

Don't you know that on Wednesdays we wear pink?

By sharkgirl4 | 23

#6242809 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:08

I think the bigger concern is that they have conditioned their child to think "Red=urinate". Hope he doesn't want to be a fireman when he grows up.
Sorry about your pants OP.

COMMENTS

By sarah5745 | 41

#6242804 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:06

Oh god.. Don't worry, he'll get there soon :) XD

By matt721 | 8

#6242806 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:07

Well I guess you had a shitty day.

Morning_fml | 22

#6242822 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:18

Not even close. -10 FML points for trying too hard.

lulinator | 40

#6242826 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:23

I don't think they tried at all.

RainTears | 15

#6242853 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 17:24

no guys, number 2 is right. OP must be pretty pissed off

(that's how you do it o3o)

TheCookieComet | 23

#6242939 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 19:30

I don't think this was pun intended. What happened was pretty shitty.

By DaRito | 25

#6242807 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:07

YDI for wearing red, that's never acceptable.

sarah5745 | 41

#6242815 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:11

OP can wear whatever the hell op wants!

FluffyPandas156 | 13

#6242816 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:11

You deserve a thumb down. How on earth does op deserve that. He/she wasn't expecting the kid to piss on his pants. Op thought it was only for the red in the toilet.

BoundBySpace | 19

#6242828 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:26

what #3 is implying is that pants shouldn't be red. It's his opinion.

Setareh23 | 34

#6242840 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:37

Guys, I'm pretty sure #3 was being sarcastic...

Wakachulak | 22

#6242842 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:44

Seriously? Am I the only one to think red pants look ugly?

brittaaany_93 | 38

#6242844 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:55

I think red pants are rad. But everyone has their own opinion :)

flyingmind_fml | 17

#6242848 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 17:03

i don't like red either

By Fuaaad1994 | 31

#6242808 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:07

Guess they're not so red anymore

Myo_fml | 20

#6242847 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 17:01

No, they're just a darker damper red now. That's how liquids work. pee doesn't magically dye things yellow.

MortenM | 17

#6243094 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 23:56

It don't?

By sharkgirl4 | 23

#6242809 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:08

I think the bigger concern is that they have conditioned their child to think "Red=urinate". Hope he doesn't want to be a fireman when he grows up.
Sorry about your pants OP.

MrFloooo | 18

#6242835 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:34

Well, he would get the fires out...

lnheritance | 19

#6242841 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 16:40

Must be related to Bulls going for red. And targets are red; so target hits the "mark".

Enslaved | 36

#6242856 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 17:42

Funny thing is bulls are colour-blind. The red is just there for us. (:

love_struck97 | 19

#6242907 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 18:45

People have different ways of potty training my cousins aimed for Cheerios in the toilet. Using red paper to teach him isn't a big deal

ShannonBitt | 29

#6242954 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 19:59

Are they flushing the red paper? That sounds like a clog waiting to happen, even worse if they have a septic system. It's not designed to break down like toilet paper.