Miscellaneous: Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork... - FML

By RIP Turd (peacebeuponit) - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork and flush, I noticed blood-red everywhere in the toilet. I freaked out like a little girl, thinking I was bleeding out of my ass. Then I noticed the ketchup packets my roommate had slipped under the seat to prank me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33794

You deserved it

6603

Tweet

Share

Family values

Walk on the wild side

Go anyway, see the sights

By smellyfeet - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36914

You deserved it

5648

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/12/2020 20:06 - United States - Orange

For the union makes us strong

Today, I found out that the owner of my workplace hasn't been paying any of the bills and that all 10 people on my crew and I will be losing our jobs in a matter of days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

927

You deserved it

35

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my boyfriend when I really had to pee. I tried to get out of the aisle in a hurry so I wouldn't disturb anyone when I tripped, landing on the people in the row in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26659

You deserved it

5431

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed that someone smeared "wash me" into the grime of my car. I decided to take it to get a wash. I pulled up, put my vehicle in neutral, and kicked back as it slowly started to move. You never realize how long it takes a sun roof to close until water is dumping on your head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15751

You deserved it

60856

Tweet

Share

By SleepyMommy - United States - Pomona

Today, my husband was going to let me sleep in for Mother's Day. That would have been great, if my brother didn't call me at 5:30 in the morning to say Happy Mother's Day. Now I'm up like any other day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11321

You deserved it

1042

Tweet

Share

By jogger - United States

Today, I was jogging when a woman ran out of her house and handed me an invitation for a party. What was the invitation for? A weight loss treatment party. Guess the jogging isn't working. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27319

You deserved it

3041

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - March

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she never takes dumps. I told her that as long as she eats, it's a biological impossibility, but she seems to have genuinely deluded herself into thinking it's true, purely because she is a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26032

You deserved it

3279

Tweet

Share

By swmmr - United States

Today, my dad suggested that as an alternative to buying me new school clothes that actually fit, I should just join the swim team, lose some weight, and wear my stuff from last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26368

You deserved it

14053

Tweet

Share

By tessykins - United States

Today, this guy who likes me accused me of cutting myself. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, "Don't lie, I saw those scars on your thighs when we went swimming." I have stretch marks on my inner thighs, and now I have to explain them to him so he doesn't think I cut myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37812

You deserved it

3266

Tweet

Share

By TotallyDeservedIt - United States - Midlothian

Today, my plan to prank my husband backfired when I forgot about the "pop-its" I left under the toilet seat and set them off. It not only scared the shit out of me, it also woke up my 2 month-old and my grumpy husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8043

You deserved it

12772

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Redding

Today, I found out that someone I once babysat got a girlfriend before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13200

You deserved it

1584

Tweet

Share

By none - United States

Today, was just like almost every for the past few months; I slept till 1pm, smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4am, jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13093

You deserved it

46067

Tweet

Share

By americanized - Denmark

Today, I helped two people find the central station on my way home. As a thank you, they mugged me and stole my wallet and iPod Touch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32917

You deserved it

4135

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying to call him. When I did, it went straight to voicemail. It was a recording of him breaking up with me. He broke up with me over the phone, without even talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59675

You deserved it

3267

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Escalon

Today, my insane war veteran great-uncle punched me in the throat for not laughing hard enough at his stupid joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44514

You deserved it

4944

Tweet

Share

By fuuuudge - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me out to meet his friends. It was going really well until I left to use the bathroom and two of the girls with us came in and started talking about how creepy Matt's new girlfriend is and that they're happy he's going to dump her. My boyfriend is Matt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51471

You deserved it

3714

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, after dieting, rigorous exercising and a major lifestyle change, I have finally reached my fitness goal. My parents were more excited about my 17-year-old brother getting to 3rd base with his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28112

You deserved it

3101

Tweet

Share

By splooge - United States

Today, I was in bed next to the boy I loved, he had just came and passed out immediately afterwards. I reached over to look at my phone but grabbed his instead and saw a text message from his ex-girlfriend that read "I love you too." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51239

You deserved it

4045

Tweet

Share

By thermos - United States

Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19106

You deserved it

53046

Tweet

Share

By missinformed

Today, Geico called to tell me they were canceling my insurance. Someone I don't know got pulled over for drunk-driving and the police wrote down my license plate number instead by accident. Although the DMV says they cleared everything up, Geico still won't believe it wasn't me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4609

You deserved it

271

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza online to be delivered to my apartment. After an hour of waiting, I called the pizza place to ask what the problem was. Apparently, the people at the apartment below me took my already paid for pizza and ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33143

You deserved it

3073

Tweet

Share

By TiredMom - United States

Today, after finally getting my newborn baby to sleep, I made a sign to put on the door asking people not to knock or ring the bell, since our 3 dogs will bark loudly and wake the baby. When I went to print the sign, my dogs barked like crazy at the sound of the printer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29877

You deserved it

10043

Tweet

Share

By mountains - United States - Pembroke

Today, I awoke in the midst of the night to find my half-naked dad drunkenly arguing with the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22936

You deserved it

1804

Tweet

Share

By bet a woman would've been thanked - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, I was out jogging, when I saw a girl fall off her bike and start crying. I ran over to see if she was hurt. Apparently her neighbour thought I was trying to kidnap her, because he ran out with a baseball bat and threatened to beat me to death if I didn't get lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51008

You deserved it

3092

Tweet

Share

By notgettingany - United States

Today, is my daughter's first birthday. Today also marks 1 year and 9 months since I last had sex with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43619

You deserved it

4995

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51938

You deserved it

5764

Tweet

Share

By jessii - United States

Today, in math class, I got an answer "wrong." The teacher yelled at me, then he realized that my answer was correct. Then he yelled at me for not correcting him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35760

You deserved it

3104

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom looked through my browser history and saw Chatroulette. She thought I'd gotten into online gambling, and wouldn't believe me when I explained what it really was. After I insisted on showing her, the first chat window to open contained cocks as far as the eye could see. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25094

You deserved it

42248

Tweet

Share

By pissed off

Today, my husband staggered home after a night of drinking. He was too intoxicated to find the toilet so he started to pee in the cat's litter box. Apparently, he was invading her territory and she attacked him. His scream as she bit and scratched him must have woken the whole world. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23383

You deserved it

2578

Tweet

Share

By a-mishunderstanding

Today, I was working in costume at a recreation of a Confederation-era town. I had to convince a visitor that it's not, in fact, an Amish village, and we do actually leave after five. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24999

You deserved it

2838

Tweet

Share

By revalc - Canada

Today, I'm having my housewarming party and had prepared food, drink and games for all the 19 confirmed guests on Facebook. I waited till 11 but nobody showed up. I checked Facebook again and realized I had accidentally put tomorrow as the party date. I have to work the whole day tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13557

You deserved it

51744

Tweet

Share

By Mia

Today, I wanted to bake some chocolate chip cookies. As the first load was done, I tasted a cookie and it tasted too salty. Thinking it was because of the pinch of salt, I added more sugar to the batter, only to realize that the sugar I've put into the whole batter was actually salt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1038

You deserved it

2303

Tweet

Share

By prince232 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after having a second interview with a club I want to work for, the interviewer ignored my work references. Instead, he told me he was going to call the only manager I never got along with, for reference in a job I left 5 years ago, because he knows her personally. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15895

You deserved it

1135

Tweet

Share

By LostSoul

Today, I found out my daughter was planning a wedding and invited everyone but me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1653

You deserved it

434

Tweet

Share

By WellThatSucks - United States

Today, I discovered my dog pooped in my bed, under the covers, by rolling over onto it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13108

You deserved it

1356

Tweet

Share

By Ceej - United States - Grand Haven

Today, my husband and I were told by our elderly neighbors that they can hear us having sex a lot. To top it off, the elderly man said while patting his wife's arm with a smile, "Carol used to make noises like that too, back in the day." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33760

You deserved it

7005

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Landenberg

Today, I downloaded Grindr to my phone. It also downloaded to my mom's phone, my dad's phone, and my brother's phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43033

You deserved it

22801

Tweet

Share

By Insomnia

Today, while trying to sleep after a night shift, workers came to hook up city sewage service, firing up drills and shouting. An hour later, my child woke me up to tattle on her sister. Just as I was drifting to sleep yet again, the smoke alarm battery started chirping. I give up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2226

You deserved it

205

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 23:00

DINOSAURS!!

Today, I tried to cook an extra healthy, vegetable filled meal for my boyfriend and I. Not only did we notice the vegetables were off a little too late, but he also found my hair in his bowl. We had to settle for turkey dinosaurs and spaghetti loops instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1065

You deserved it

791

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43816

You deserved it

8769

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Ghost_Kaulitz | 16

#6147315 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:20

Your roommate is my spirit animal.

By tzemmy | 25

#6147328 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

what if you really were bleeding though the ass and didn't see it through the ketchup?

COMMENTS

By Ghost_Kaulitz | 16

#6147315 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:20

Your roommate is my spirit animal.

By Gravenmuir | 18

#6147318 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:21

Next time put chocolate sauce on his French fries before he gets them. Payback...

Reply

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6147356 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:36

That sounds like a gift, not a prank. Have you ever eaten fries with ice cream? Amazing.

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6147423 - Thursday 18 December 2014 1:46

or fries with peanut butter...

Reply

joyboy390 | 12

#6147501 - Thursday 18 December 2014 4:07

Thats not payback thats helping them out that is a great combo.

Reply

foxwasalamb | 24

#6147570 - Thursday 18 December 2014 5:20

thank you juan. everyone thinks im weird

Reply

wyverntail | 15

#6147928 - Thursday 18 December 2014 18:31

Perhaps maybe you meant hot sauce?

By cp399 | 14

#6147321 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:23

I need to try this sometime

By ckibb97 | 22

#6147327 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

That is genius

Reply

thes7274473 | 19

#6147801 - Thursday 18 December 2014 13:55

Not original, though. Didn't you read Captain Underpants as a kid? That was one of their favorite pranks.

Reply

heathertail | 14

#6147845 - Thursday 18 December 2014 15:21

It is, but I think he should get his roommate back for that.

By tzemmy | 25

#6147328 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

what if you really were bleeding though the ass and didn't see it through the ketchup?

Reply

Nexpecto | 28

#6147582 - Thursday 18 December 2014 5:47

I want to know, since when do little girls freak out about bleeding assholes?

Reply

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6147651 - Thursday 18 December 2014 7:01

um I don't think they're supposed to bleed there

Reply

Mf2307 | 15

#6147945 - Thursday 18 December 2014 19:06

it would be time to go to the hospital or doctor if u were

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6148324 - Friday 19 December 2014 8:07

Could just be really bad constipation or internal hemroids. Happens to me every now and then...

Reply

Nexpecto | 28

#6148715 - Friday 19 December 2014 21:22

Idiot down voters can suck my left one. OP wrote "like a little girl" about her "bleeding" ass.

By brookenicolee29 | 27

#6147329 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

I think it's time to start planning revenge.

Reply

LittleBastard | 20

#6147776 - Thursday 18 December 2014 12:54

I think plotting would work better here, sounds more sinister. Planning sounds like hes going to take his roomate out for an expensive dinner then make the roomate pay for everything.
But hey, revenge is revenge.

Reply

Nexpecto | 28

#6148717 - Friday 19 December 2014 21:25

#59 Get out.

Reply

LittleBastard | 20

#6153118 - Wednesday 24 December 2014 17:49

#75 :(

By tzemmy | 25

#6147331 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:26

edit: I didn't mean to comment again.

By ifoundwaldo123 | 12

#6147334 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:27

Hahaha that's actually pretty funny OP.

By BadApple88 | 29

#6147348 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:32

Oh bloody hell

Reply

pooldude | 24

#6147430 - Thursday 18 December 2014 1:52

i dun kno why but i read this in a british accent.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6147466 - Thursday 18 December 2014 3:27

Cause it's a British expression

By AL3XFML | 7

#6147351 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:34

"When I stood up to examine my handiwork" lmao this was so well written