Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork... - FML

By RIP Turd (peacebeuponit) - 17/12/2014 18:47 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork and flush, I noticed blood-red everywhere in the toilet. I freaked out like a little girl, thinking I was bleeding out of my ass. Then I noticed the ketchup packets my roommate had slipped under the seat to prank me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33764

You deserved it

6553

Tweet

Share

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

A beautiful truck decoration

By DumbCuntApparently - 27/2/2013 20:52 - Netherlands - Hilversum

Today, a classmate posted a recording of a recent lecture on my university's Facebook page, so we could listen again and take notes at home. A few minutes in, I heard myself asking a question. I then heard snorting and some girl muttering "dumb cunt" under her breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38946

You deserved it

4426

Tweet

Share

By yum. - 10/4/2009 21:39 - United States

Today, I went out to eat with some friends. They picked a table that wasn't big enough for all of us. I had to sit in the booth behind them. Alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

75226

You deserved it

4716

Tweet

Share

By FattyMcFatFace - 24/5/2019 22:00

Today, I overheard the popular kids say that they were planning on going to the local fast food restaurant to take pictures of the obese people that go there. Not only do I work there, but my family and I were planning on having dinner there tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1811

You deserved it

239

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/8/2017 00:30

Stoner Logic

Today, I've been sleeping with my drug dealer from high school who I still buy pot from for the past week. He made me go down on him a few days ago and he smelled funny but I didn't say anything. Today, he told me he only showers 2-3 times a month and he thinks he's a genius for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3144

You deserved it

11068

Tweet

Share

By Jimbo - 25/5/2010 09:29 - United States

Today, I came home on leave after a seven month deployment in the middle of the ocean for the Navy. My entire region got hit by the worst flood in recorded history. I need a speedboat to go to the Quick-e-mart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36225

You deserved it

2779

Tweet

Share

By Fmylife.25 - 3/9/2010 19:56 - United States

Today, I got the haircut I've been wanting for ages. I then called my girlfriend of two years and asked what she would do if I got a haircut. She told me she would dump me and then invited me to her house for dinner. I'm scared to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35944

You deserved it

6131

Tweet

Share

By aranya - 14/6/2012 22:51 - Netherlands - Hengevelde

Today, I went to see a movie with my girlfriend and a few others. Mid-way through, I noticed my girlfriend giving a hand-job to my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I confronted them. He claimed he had been asleep, she claimed she was mopping up a spill, and I'm now single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56424

You deserved it

3845

Tweet

Share

By zep - 7/6/2009 11:41 - United States

Today, I was hard at work cleaning up from a party I had while my parents were out for the night. Not a bottle of beer or a red cup was left for them to find. However, my parents did find two of my friends in their bedroom, still passed out and naked from beer and sex last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20267

You deserved it

79200

Tweet

Share

By apav - 11/6/2009 11:52 - Australia

Today, I had my first appearance in a court as an attorney. I called the prosecution the prostitution. FML

I agree, your life sucks

85742

You deserved it

24345

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/8/2017 16:00

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, as my husband and I were leaving our wedding reception, my mother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're gonna do great tonight!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

4332

You deserved it

455

Tweet

Share

By jerk - 24/6/2009 06:44 - United States

Today, my friend decided to come clean to his parents about his pot usage. He told them that he did it with me on many occasions. His parents decided it would be the right thing to call my parents. Thanks a lot asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30524

You deserved it

66350

Tweet

Share

By zanaruka - 19/5/2020 05:00

The customer is always an ass

Today, an angry customer rubbed her hand all over my face, all while showing me her positive COVID-19 test results. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2457

You deserved it

134

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/10/2011 09:07 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend asked my father for permission to marry me. My father refused, on the basis that I'm the only person in the house with a job, and if I leave he will have to start looking for work. My boyfriend won't marry me without his permission, and my lazy father won't change his mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45287

You deserved it

3543

Tweet

Share

By Grrrr! - 23/4/2011 14:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to hunt Easter eggs before we have sex. I'm glad he has his priorities straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34875

You deserved it

10874

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 02:02

Freaked out

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my shirt off, she saw my chest acne. She ran out of my house and hasn't spoken to me in 5 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1769

You deserved it

201

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43840

You deserved it

8537

Tweet

Share

By Jeff - 15/7/2014 20:37 - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with my girlfriend. I asked if she was going to finish her meal, hoping to steal a bite or two. She somehow took this as me calling her fat, threw her drink at me, and stormed off. I just wanted some steak. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52468

You deserved it

11753

Tweet

Share

By Ayeya - 4/6/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I wanted to print out a 100 page game strategy guide using company's printer. While not wanting anyone to find out about this I picked a time where I thought no one would be printing. My CEO ended up standing next to me for 10 minutes waiting for his stuff to print after mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9737

You deserved it

73960

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/6/2018 15:00

Today, I was training a new volunteer at a clothing donation center. While explaining how to sort donations, I reached into a garbage bag full of clothes and something on my hand caught my eye. It was a bed bug. The bag was full of them and they sought refuge up my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3847

You deserved it

257

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/2/2014 17:11 - United States - Middletown

Today, my live-in mother-in-law brazenly swiped most of the money from my wallet, then walked out of the room as if nothing had happened. The worst thing is that my wife believes anything she says, so I can't do a damn thing about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44496

You deserved it

4545

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/1/2012 02:58 - United States

Today, the office tough guy learned how to use the fire extinguisher. On me. I wasn't on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26806

You deserved it

2492

Tweet

Share

By Username - 28/2/2011 05:44

Today, after we'd let an author rent out our cabin, we read in the book of poems he wrote while staying that he'd described how he enjoyed sitting on our table naked. The same table we often eat off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32292

You deserved it

5123

Tweet

Share

By Chelsy - 11/9/2019 12:00 - Australia - Canberra

Can he fix it?

Today, I found out that when my boyfriend is drunk he pretends to be Bob the Builder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1265

You deserved it

173

Tweet

Share

By bouda - 15/5/2011 18:19 - France

Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40958

You deserved it

7433

Tweet

Share

By Originality18 - 24/2/2009 02:22 - United States

Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51267

You deserved it

7791

Tweet

Share

By nosonofmine - 23/6/2012 17:43 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, my son and I attended the funeral of a family friend. It went as well as any funeral could, up until the point that my apparently drunk son tried to grope the widow. I came an inch away from causing my son to need his own funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27400

You deserved it

2824

Tweet

Share

By Nudge23 - 26/9/2011 07:26 - Australia

Today, I cleared out the messages in my voicemail. Of the 50+ messages, most were from my mother wanting to know when I'd be home. I'm 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27698

You deserved it

4637

Tweet

Share

By Albert - 27/8/2012 22:16 - United States - Dover

Today, I went to see my orthodontist. He informed me that I have an underbite and I will probably need braces again. I just had them taken off last year, after five and a half years of oral hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26394

You deserved it

2056

Tweet

Share

By germophobe - 2/9/2014 01:53 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my roommate came back from camping. My toothbrush magically reappeared as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39606

You deserved it

3328

Tweet

Share

By Too Many Layers - 24/10/2016 18:43 - United Kingdom - Newton Abbot

Today, I found out my landlord has bought himself a new boat. He refuses to turn up the heating to save money. I'm freezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10836

You deserved it

722

Tweet

Share

By soontobedivorced - 19/4/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

541108

You deserved it

34850

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I started hooking up with a guy I've liked for a while. We got pretty into it and he went into my underwear, looking confused. When I asked him what was wrong, his response was: "I can't find it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31462

You deserved it

5028

Tweet

Share

By sally - 4/11/2018 12:00

Today, my son watched some ridiculous Japanese cartoon about shokugeki cooking and is convinced he's the greatest cook ever by copying what happens in the show. He set fire to my frying pan, panicked, and dumped it in the ceramic sink, which cracked from the heat and flooded my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2948

You deserved it

332

Tweet

Share

By sleepingonmydesk - 29/6/2015 09:28 - United Kingdom - Longfield

Today, after not being able to sleep for two hours because my boyfriend wouldn't stop talking, he fell asleep and I was left wide awake. I listened to him snore for another three hours and only got a couple of hours sleep. He's not working today, but I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27306

You deserved it

3291

Tweet

Share

By fuckingcool - 14/12/2016 20:59 - United States - Ortonville

Today, my friend was complaining to me that she's gained 20 pounds and it's all gone to her butt and boobs. Meanwhile, I've also gained 20 pounds, and it's gone straight to my stomach. She looks better than she did before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7888

You deserved it

693

Tweet

Share

By bern5555 - 13/1/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34369

You deserved it

3172

Tweet

Share

By fml - 22/6/2009 09:03 - United States

Today, I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68271

You deserved it

5435

Tweet

Share

By heartbroken - 23/1/2013 13:57 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my boyfriend was in the shower and his phone was buzzing with calls and texts. Concerned as his nan is in ICU, I picked it up to find he's been secretly sexting his ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53497

You deserved it

6070

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 10:52 - Netherlands

Today, I used the restrooms at the shopping mall. The cleaning lady stepped in after me, immediately turned around and very demonstratively started spraying air freshener. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24991

You deserved it

6551

Tweet

Share

By Insanity - 9/4/2015 05:28 - France - La Poste

Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31026

You deserved it

7667

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Ghost_Kaulitz | 16

#6147315 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:20

Your roommate is my spirit animal.

By tzemmy | 25

#6147328 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

what if you really were bleeding though the ass and didn't see it through the ketchup?

Comments

By Ghost_Kaulitz | 16

#6147315 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:20

Your roommate is my spirit animal.

By Gravenmuir | 18

#6147318 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:21

Next time put chocolate sauce on his French fries before he gets them. Payback...

Reply

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6147356 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:36

That sounds like a gift, not a prank. Have you ever eaten fries with ice cream? Amazing.

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6147423 - Thursday 18 December 2014 1:46

or fries with peanut butter...

Reply

joyboy390 | 12

#6147501 - Thursday 18 December 2014 4:07

Thats not payback thats helping them out that is a great combo.

Reply

foxwasalamb | 24

#6147570 - Thursday 18 December 2014 5:20

thank you juan. everyone thinks im weird

Reply

wyverntail | 15

#6147928 - Thursday 18 December 2014 18:31

Perhaps maybe you meant hot sauce?

By cp399 | 14

#6147321 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:23

I need to try this sometime

By ckibb97 | 22

#6147327 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

That is genius

Reply

thes7274473 | 19

#6147801 - Thursday 18 December 2014 13:55

Not original, though. Didn't you read Captain Underpants as a kid? That was one of their favorite pranks.

Reply

heathertail | 14

#6147845 - Thursday 18 December 2014 15:21

It is, but I think he should get his roommate back for that.

By tzemmy | 25

#6147328 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

what if you really were bleeding though the ass and didn't see it through the ketchup?

Reply

Nexpecto | 28

#6147582 - Thursday 18 December 2014 5:47

I want to know, since when do little girls freak out about bleeding assholes?

Reply

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6147651 - Thursday 18 December 2014 7:01

um I don't think they're supposed to bleed there

Reply

Mf2307 | 14

#6147945 - Thursday 18 December 2014 19:06

it would be time to go to the hospital or doctor if u were

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6148324 - Friday 19 December 2014 8:07

Could just be really bad constipation or internal hemroids. Happens to me every now and then...

Reply

Nexpecto | 28

#6148715 - Friday 19 December 2014 21:22

Idiot down voters can suck my left one. OP wrote "like a little girl" about her "bleeding" ass.

By brookenicolee29 | 27

#6147329 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

I think it's time to start planning revenge.

Reply

LittleBastard | 20

#6147776 - Thursday 18 December 2014 12:54

I think plotting would work better here, sounds more sinister. Planning sounds like hes going to take his roomate out for an expensive dinner then make the roomate pay for everything.
But hey, revenge is revenge.

Reply

Nexpecto | 28

#6148717 - Friday 19 December 2014 21:25

#59 Get out.

Reply

LittleBastard | 20

#6153118 - Wednesday 24 December 2014 17:49

#75 :(

By tzemmy | 25

#6147331 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:26

edit: I didn't mean to comment again.

By ifoundwaldo123 | 12

#6147334 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:27

Hahaha that's actually pretty funny OP.

By BadApple88 | 29

#6147348 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:32

Oh bloody hell

Reply

pooldude | 24

#6147430 - Thursday 18 December 2014 1:52

i dun kno why but i read this in a british accent.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6147466 - Thursday 18 December 2014 3:27

Cause it's a British expression

By AL3XFML | 7

#6147351 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:34

"When I stood up to examine my handiwork" lmao this was so well written