Miscellaneous: Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork... - FML

By RIP Turd (peacebeuponit) - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork and flush, I noticed blood-red everywhere in the toilet. I freaked out like a little girl, thinking I was bleeding out of my ass. Then I noticed the ketchup packets my roommate had slipped under the seat to prank me. FML

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Out of it

Added flavor

Make it work

By Anonymous - Germany - K?ln

Today, I actually had to teach my 9-year-old brother how to pour himself a glass of milk, after he burst out in tears when my sister told him to do it himself. His astonishing ignorance also extends to basic hygiene. FML

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By Matt8 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife, who is supposed to be a recovering alcoholic, drank an entire bottle of wine and then tried to hide it at the bottom of a garbage bin. To make matters worse, when I confronted her about it, she tried to convince me that our 5-year-old daughter had drunk it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML

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By trashed - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I painted the guest bathroom. Once finished, I noticed the paint splatters on my arms matched my lily white chalky skin. Paint matches me better than my makeup. Guess I need a different paint, and new make up. FML

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By ImaSneakyNinja - United States - Madison Heights

Today, I asked a girl that I've been talking to for a couple of weeks out, but immediately got rejected because I'm left handed. I guess I'll leave that part out next time. FML

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By Dude wtf - 19/4/2021 02:02

Indecent proposal

Today, a guy propositioned me for a threesome with his girlfriend. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he's knows I'm gay and have a boyfriend, or the fact that his girlfriend is my sister. He seemed confused as to why I turned him down. FML

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By enya - Luxembourg

Today, my dad and uncle got in an argument over money and ended up fighting in the back garden. Only, my dad is a muay thai fighter and my uncle is an MMA fighter, and they're refusing to stop until one of them is out cold. I foresee me driving them both to the hospital before midnight. FML

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By Ashley Rocha

Today, after my washing machine broke yesterday in the middle of a cycle, I went and spent $1400 on a new one. Also today, my dryer started to smoke and almost caught my clothes on fire. There goes another $1000. FML

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By drinkdrankdrunk - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

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By hoser - Canada

Today, I went skiing. Trying to show off to some inexperienced skiers, I flew past them at my top speed, a bracket snapped off my boot and I slid on my face for about 30 metres. FML

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By yum. - United States

Today, I went out to eat with some friends. They picked a table that wasn't big enough for all of us. I had to sit in the booth behind them. Alone. FML

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By selfesteemboost - Belize

Today, one of my dorm-mates started laughing at a bra hanging to dry in our bathroom. She thought it was hilarious that a college student would still have "such small, baby tits." It was my bra. FML

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By Farmgirl

Today, during harvest, I got out of my tractor and promptly fell down the stairs, peed my pants, and stepped ankle deep in a mud hole. I sat in wet pants for the next two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my sister used my mobile phone to call her boyfriend who is married with children. His wife found my number on his phone and thinks that I am my sister. Since then, she has been calling me non-stop, calling me a 'prostitute' each time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tyrone

Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I rode in the cab on the way back to my dorm from the airport. The taxi driver was on the phone and not really paying attention. I paid him and got out of the cab, but he drove away before I could get my luggage out of the trunk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on vacation, I called my home phone to check the messages. Someone answered. FML

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By Tinker-Bell - France

Today, when I woke up, my husband was already up. Thinking I hear him in the hall I shout out "come on, don't be shy, bring that cock in here right now!". A voice replies: "he's gone out to get some bread". It was my mother-in-law. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I discovered that my son has an allergy to cats. My partner of two years, not wanting to fight, suggested a compromise: that my son and the cat take turns sleeping outside. FML

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By thatsnotacat - Australia - West End

Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML

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By Wet dreamer

Today, I slept in my boyfriend's room for the first time. I also wet the bed for the first time in a decade. FML

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By Rusty - United States - New City

Today, I'm actually starting to miss my former heroin addict neighbor because of how mellow he was compared to my new neighbors. FML

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By leonuniz - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandma told me point-blank that she despises gays, but that she'll go to my wedding for the booze and nothing more. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

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By - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I had a anxiety attack about taking my anxiety medicine. FML

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By Jaymail - 11/10/2020 10:01 - United States - Chicago

Tourism

Today, I was stuck in backed up traffic because of construction for so long that my phone actually listed where I was stuck in traffic as a place I visited. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 02:00

Fun for all the family

Today, my mom and dad got into a fight, during which my dad said to my mom that her health conditions were of her own doing. Because of that, I got pissed and had a fight with my dad, taking my mom's side. Turns out, my mom took his side and ratted me out. FML

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By ElamentalAngel - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old nephew was sitting on my knee at the computer. He was annoying me as he kept on pressing all the buttons. To scare him off I did a creepy voice in his ear that makes him cry. He turned round and broke my nose. FML

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By Eddie B

Scammed

Today, I found out that I'm just one of the millions who got scammed by what seemed to be a legit website. None of the negative reviews or bugs appeared until after I spent a fortune of someone else’s money on a server that will never arrive. FML

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By xxx

Today, at a meeting, I had a heated argument with the only female employee at the office. A little later, I managed to hit her in the face with a door, giving her a bruise. Nobody believes it was an accident. FML

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By oops - United States - Lutherville Timonium

Today, I wore a pair of shorts a size too big while doing laundry. When I ordered a pizza afterwards and answered the door, I realized I looked a little heavy, so I sucked in my stomach. My shorts fell to the ground in front of the delivery guy. FML

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By ChestExploding - United States - Greensboro

Today, I tripped and fell, damaging my sternum and making it incredibly painful to breathe in or out too much. About ten minutes later, I got the hiccups. FML

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By Bolin - 17/5/2021 08:08

Earthquake

Today, I have to sleep in another room, with the door closed, because if I don't, my girlfriend's snoring will keep me awake. I was diagnosed with chronic insomnia because of this. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - March

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she never takes dumps. I told her that as long as she eats, it's a biological impossibility, but she seems to have genuinely deluded herself into thinking it's true, purely because she is a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, wearing nothing offensive, minding my own business, when a car drove past and threw something that hit me really hard in the back of my head. It was a Bible. FML

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By vishuzzbabe77 - United States

Today, I bought a Halloween costume for my cat. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months. FML

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By whatdoesitmatter - India - Erayu

Turn off

Today, my sex-crazed ex wrote me a letter so bad, it haunts me that I let a guy with such terrible grammar skills touch my boobs. FML

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By Amanda - United States

Today, I went to the carnival with a guy I like. When we went on the big scary ride where you flip upside down a lot, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then, I threw up on him. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The day before, I was too anxious to eat anything, so I went in with an empty stomach. There were complications during the extraction and now I'm not allowed to eat for the next 24 hours. FML

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Top comments

By Ghost_Kaulitz | 16

#6147315 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:20

Your roommate is my spirit animal.

By tzemmy | 25

#6147328 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

what if you really were bleeding though the ass and didn't see it through the ketchup?

COMMENTS

By Ghost_Kaulitz | 16

#6147315 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:20

Your roommate is my spirit animal.

By Gravenmuir | 18

#6147318 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:21

Next time put chocolate sauce on his French fries before he gets them. Payback...

Reply

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6147356 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:36

That sounds like a gift, not a prank. Have you ever eaten fries with ice cream? Amazing.

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6147423 - Thursday 18 December 2014 1:46

or fries with peanut butter...

Reply

joyboy390 | 12

#6147501 - Thursday 18 December 2014 4:07

Thats not payback thats helping them out that is a great combo.

Reply

foxwasalamb | 24

#6147570 - Thursday 18 December 2014 5:20

thank you juan. everyone thinks im weird

Reply

wyverntail | 15

#6147928 - Thursday 18 December 2014 18:31

Perhaps maybe you meant hot sauce?

By cp399 | 14

#6147321 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:23

I need to try this sometime

By ckibb97 | 22

#6147327 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

That is genius

Reply

thes7274473 | 19

#6147801 - Thursday 18 December 2014 13:55

Not original, though. Didn't you read Captain Underpants as a kid? That was one of their favorite pranks.

Reply

heathertail | 14

#6147845 - Thursday 18 December 2014 15:21

It is, but I think he should get his roommate back for that.

By tzemmy | 25

#6147328 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

what if you really were bleeding though the ass and didn't see it through the ketchup?

Reply

Nexpecto | 28

#6147582 - Thursday 18 December 2014 5:47

I want to know, since when do little girls freak out about bleeding assholes?

Reply

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6147651 - Thursday 18 December 2014 7:01

um I don't think they're supposed to bleed there

Reply

Mf2307 | 15

#6147945 - Thursday 18 December 2014 19:06

it would be time to go to the hospital or doctor if u were

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6148324 - Friday 19 December 2014 8:07

Could just be really bad constipation or internal hemroids. Happens to me every now and then...

Reply

Nexpecto | 28

#6148715 - Friday 19 December 2014 21:22

Idiot down voters can suck my left one. OP wrote "like a little girl" about her "bleeding" ass.

By brookenicolee29 | 27

#6147329 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

I think it's time to start planning revenge.

Reply

LittleBastard | 20

#6147776 - Thursday 18 December 2014 12:54

I think plotting would work better here, sounds more sinister. Planning sounds like hes going to take his roomate out for an expensive dinner then make the roomate pay for everything.
But hey, revenge is revenge.

Reply

Nexpecto | 28

#6148717 - Friday 19 December 2014 21:25

#59 Get out.

Reply

LittleBastard | 20

#6153118 - Wednesday 24 December 2014 17:49

#75 :(

By tzemmy | 25

#6147331 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:26

edit: I didn't mean to comment again.

By ifoundwaldo123 | 12

#6147334 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:27

Hahaha that's actually pretty funny OP.

By BadApple88 | 29

#6147348 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:32

Oh bloody hell

Reply

pooldude | 24

#6147430 - Thursday 18 December 2014 1:52

i dun kno why but i read this in a british accent.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6147466 - Thursday 18 December 2014 3:27

Cause it's a British expression

By AL3XFML | 7

#6147351 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:34

"When I stood up to examine my handiwork" lmao this was so well written