Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork... - FML

By RIP Turd (peacebeuponit) - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork and flush, I noticed blood-red everywhere in the toilet. I freaked out like a little girl, thinking I was bleeding out of my ass. Then I noticed the ketchup packets my roommate had slipped under the seat to prank me. FML

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Messed up

Freak out

Near the knuckle

By erdot - Romania - Bucuresti

Today, after 7 years of writing my PhD thesis, I found a book containing all the exact findings I've spent arduous hours, nay, years discovering. My tutoring professor somehow forgot to mention I was discovering sealing wax. FML

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By crier - United States - Norfolk

Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML

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By couldntholdit - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML

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By 3023-dang - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is four months pregnant. She can't wait for us to be parents. I guess she forgot that I haven't seen her in 7 months. FML

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By AE86Turbo - United States

Today, I saw a car swerving in front of me on the freeway, so I whipped out my cell to report the DUI. As soon as it started ringing, I see police lights in my rear view and got slapped with a ticket for using a cell phone while driving. After explaining why, the officer said, "Nice try." FML

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By Acne_problems

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to do the deed and she started popping zits on my chest. Then she said that I was killing the mood because my cat was meowing. FML

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By stuff - United States

Today, I was calling my cable company to tell me how to fix my internet. I stayed on hold for almost half an hour, and then when someone finally picked up, my phone died. FML

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By AntiAxe

Today, there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. I didn't. Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. FML

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By hermit's life - United States - Sellersburg

Today, I learned that instead of spending Christmas alone with my cat, enjoying chicken quesadillas and a tin of tuna while watching only the best cartoons, my mother's coming over. FML

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By MrSlav - 12/11/2020 17:57 - Lithuania - Siauliai

Litter

Today, I rubbed my heel raw with a new shoe, so I put a bandaid on and went to the pool. A few minutes later, I noticed the bandaid floating close to me. I'm not an ass so I quickly fished it out and put in the pocket of my swimming trunks. Later, I went to shower and noticed that my bandaid was still on my heel. FML

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By d4rkxf0x - United States - Lindale

Today, I found the iPod touch that my mother claimed was stolen at the mall a few years ago, lying on her bed, still logged in to her Facebook. Thanks, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that my estranged daughter has been married for five years. I wasn't told of or invited to their wedding, and the only reason I know now is because she needs money for a divorce lawyer. FML

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By good_gravy - United States

Today, my dog threw up on my bed while I was sleeping. I lost an hour of the day washing the vomit out with a rag, and my garbage disposal jammed on whatever otherworldly things my dog ate the day before. I had to dig it out by hand. FML

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By Rude awakening - 28/10/2020 14:01 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Black out

Today, I blacked out while riding my electric scooter. Luckily, I was quickly jolted awake when my chin hit the tarmac. FML

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By Rachael - United States

Today, as a part of my job, I took a couple around to look at houses that are on sale. After driving them around and looking at tons of houses, the wife said, "Okay. I think we have enough decorating ideas." FML

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By peace out - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, I had to help my little sister do a first-grade project for school. For one part, they have to draw a picture of their role model. She drew a whale, and I asked, "A whale is your role model?" She laughed and said, "No! It's you!" FML

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By unhappystudent - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, after a long night of studying, my roommate and her friends decided it would be fun to throw a mini party in my room at 7am. FML

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By Amy - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I got paper thrown at me because I didn't agree with my classmate's conspiracy theory that Brian Griffin's death was planned by the illuminati. FML

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By badenoughflowers - United States - Ben Wheeler

Today, my girlfriend returned home from a several week vacation with family. Instead of a happy reunion, I was terribly emasculated, publicly, for bringing flowers that "weren't as pretty as all the other couples' in baggage claim." FML

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By FereldonBorn - United States - Roseville

Today, my dog was all over me, and I couldn't help but notice she kept sniffing towards my boobs. Turns out, she wasn't there to get love from me. She was there for a piece of food that I didn't notice had fallen in my bra. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the computer in the library on campus. I was facebook stalking this really cute girl that I often see on campus. As I'm looking at her profile pictures, I turn around and the girl is standing right behind me. She gave me a disgusted look and walked off. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I was at Target with my mom and we finished purchasing our items. We had gotten a fan so I said, "This thing is too big to fit in." First thing my mom yells? "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" and starts laughing hysterically in front of the entire store. FML

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By Kortnie Peterman - 6/6/2020 17:03

Body positivity

Today, after 3 months of my boyfriend complaining his weight is making him not want sex, I suggested we go for a walk to help us both start to lose weight. He looked at me and said, "You're too fat to go walking." I'm beginning to think my weight is the problem here, not his. FML

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By Single - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, my girlfriend showed me a print of a Banksy that she'd just bought, telling me it was an original. When I tried to argue that it wasn't, she broke up with me for "implying she was a moron." FML

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By alex - United States

Today, while working at my new job at a veterinary hospital, I was excited that I set a urinary catheter in a dog for the first time. I guess I was a little too enthusiastic though, because I pulled it out too fast and bloody urine splashed up all over my face. FML

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By Fmycatslife - United States

Today, I got my cat stuffed after her death. I brought her home and set her down by my couch. I guess my dog thought it was a new chew toy. FML

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By phonesage - United States

Today, I went to meet the girl I'd been talking to online for a while, and fallen in love with. When I arrived at her house, my brother answered the door and took a picture of my shocked face. He and his girlfriend had planned the entire thing because I'm apparently the most gullible member of the family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bakersfield

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went sledding with my friends. I said I was tired and didn't want to go, but they press-ganged me into it. I ended up sledding right into a tree, fracturing my leg, and scraping up my entire face. FML

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By single and hatless - United States - Wilmington

Today, my 2 year relationship ended when my boyfriend accused me of stealing his beanie hat. FML

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By thyella87 - United States

Today, my hours got cut because I couldn't make it into work when they called me in. Why couldn't I make it in? I was in an interview for a better job. I didn't get the job. FML

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By DWIcop

Today, while leaving our county courthouse after testifying as the arresting officer in multiple DWI cases, I hit a wrong way sign in the court’s parking lot. All the defense attorneys were outside, asking me if I was drunk. FML

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By make america date again - United States - Blacklick

Today, after months of daily migraines and doctor's visits, I've now been told that my "temporary" hearing loss has nothing to do with my migraines, nor is it temporary at all. FML

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By fmylifebad - United States

Today, I was on the subway and saw this cute guy eyeing me. I crossed my legs, tossed back my hair, and raised my eyebrows slightly. As he came up to me, my heart started racing until he finally started flirting... with the girl next to me. FML

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By elmangy - United States

Today, I went ice skating for my friend's birthday. We had to vacate the skating rink so that they could smooth out the rink for the next session. I don't know how to skate and my friends left me. Not only was I the last one out of the rink, but I had to crawl my way out with everyone laughing. FML

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By Douche - 31/7/2020 23:01

Karma chameleon

Today, I flew from Texas to meet my new girlfriend's family in Georgia. Turns out her sister was a random hookup I had a year earlier on a business trip, she remembered me as the douchebag with premature ejaculation. Guess who’s flying home single? FML

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By FuckLife - Australia

Today, my friend's kid chased me with a rusty, sharp tent peg and threatened to kill me. When I finally got him to calm down he ran off to his room. Later, I found the tent peg under his pillow with a note that said my name. My friend thinks it's hilarious. I am staying here for a week. FML

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By Ally

shrinks into corner

Today, my dad decided to be an awesome person and fold my laundry without telling me. Later, I heard my parents having a conversation about a pair of panties that were "like dental floss" and which sister they belonged to. FML

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By uncleaning - United States

Today, after I cleaned out the fridge of things that expired months ago, my roommate got angry and insisted upon pulling all the moldy dairy products out of the garbage and putting them back because "they weren't mine and I shouldn't throw out other people's food." FML

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By - United States

Today, after months of trying to convince my violent bipolar antisocial neighbors to crack a window when they smoke pot, I'm now living without any heat to avoid being blasted by pot smoke from the heat vents day and night. FML

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Top comments

By Ghost_Kaulitz | 16

#6147315 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:20

Your roommate is my spirit animal.

By tzemmy | 25

#6147328 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

what if you really were bleeding though the ass and didn't see it through the ketchup?

COMMENTS

By Ghost_Kaulitz | 16

#6147315 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:20

Your roommate is my spirit animal.

By Gravenmuir | 18

#6147318 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:21

Next time put chocolate sauce on his French fries before he gets them. Payback...

Reply

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6147356 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:36

That sounds like a gift, not a prank. Have you ever eaten fries with ice cream? Amazing.

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6147423 - Thursday 18 December 2014 1:46

or fries with peanut butter...

Reply

joyboy390 | 12

#6147501 - Thursday 18 December 2014 4:07

Thats not payback thats helping them out that is a great combo.

Reply

foxwasalamb | 24

#6147570 - Thursday 18 December 2014 5:20

thank you juan. everyone thinks im weird

Reply

wyverntail | 15

#6147928 - Thursday 18 December 2014 18:31

Perhaps maybe you meant hot sauce?

By cp399 | 14

#6147321 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:23

I need to try this sometime

By ckibb97 | 22

#6147327 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

That is genius

Reply

thes7274473 | 19

#6147801 - Thursday 18 December 2014 13:55

Not original, though. Didn't you read Captain Underpants as a kid? That was one of their favorite pranks.

Reply

heathertail | 14

#6147845 - Thursday 18 December 2014 15:21

It is, but I think he should get his roommate back for that.

By tzemmy | 25

#6147328 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

what if you really were bleeding though the ass and didn't see it through the ketchup?

Reply

Nexpecto | 28

#6147582 - Thursday 18 December 2014 5:47

I want to know, since when do little girls freak out about bleeding assholes?

Reply

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6147651 - Thursday 18 December 2014 7:01

um I don't think they're supposed to bleed there

Reply

Mf2307 | 15

#6147945 - Thursday 18 December 2014 19:06

it would be time to go to the hospital or doctor if u were

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6148324 - Friday 19 December 2014 8:07

Could just be really bad constipation or internal hemroids. Happens to me every now and then...

Reply

Nexpecto | 28

#6148715 - Friday 19 December 2014 21:22

Idiot down voters can suck my left one. OP wrote "like a little girl" about her "bleeding" ass.

By brookenicolee29 | 27

#6147329 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:24

I think it's time to start planning revenge.

Reply

LittleBastard | 20

#6147776 - Thursday 18 December 2014 12:54

I think plotting would work better here, sounds more sinister. Planning sounds like hes going to take his roomate out for an expensive dinner then make the roomate pay for everything.
But hey, revenge is revenge.

Reply

Nexpecto | 28

#6148717 - Friday 19 December 2014 21:25

#59 Get out.

Reply

LittleBastard | 20

#6153118 - Wednesday 24 December 2014 17:49

#75 :(

By tzemmy | 25

#6147331 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:26

edit: I didn't mean to comment again.

By ifoundwaldo123 | 12

#6147334 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:27

Hahaha that's actually pretty funny OP.

By BadApple88 | 29

#6147348 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:32

Oh bloody hell

Reply

pooldude | 24

#6147430 - Thursday 18 December 2014 1:52

i dun kno why but i read this in a british accent.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6147466 - Thursday 18 December 2014 3:27

Cause it's a British expression

By AL3XFML | 7

#6147351 - Thursday 18 December 2014 0:34

"When I stood up to examine my handiwork" lmao this was so well written