Today, I forgot to shut off some pumps before closing the main...

By oops - 19/8/2013 16:00 - United States - Omaha

Today, I forgot to shut off some pumps before closing the main valves that run to them. Several sirens soon started blaring at a deafening level. I'm new here and nobody else is around. I don't know how to shut the sirens off. FML

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Work

Nice neighborhood

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Vultures

By jobless - 10/11/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I got an invitation to my "going away lunch" the company is throwing for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML

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By moweezy9 - 21/2/2011 21:07 - United States

Today, I finally taught my mom how to text message people. Now I get a message from her every 30 seconds saying "Hi". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 14:18 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was wearing a new shirt he had bought over the weekend. It was really cute and I always borrow his shirts so I asked to borrow his new one. He replied with, "Okay but please don't stretch this one." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2009 09:43 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I were in the middle of a heavy make-out session when his cell rang. Normally, he'd ignore it. This time however he pushed me off of him and said "Shit! It's probably my girlfriend!" I thought I was his girlfriend. FML

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By sifa - 10/4/2009 07:06 - Malaysia

Today, I went for a lunch interview for my dream job. The interview was great and at the end, I tried to seal the deal by complimenting my future boss. I said, "You're really hardworking. Do you always work on a Saturday?" He looked at me, smiled and then wrote something down. Today's Friday. FML

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By datingamoron - 14/2/2011 07:14 - United States

Today, I went out for pizza with my boyfriend. He loaned me his debit card and loudly announced in front of everyone that his pin code was the numerical equivalent of "Fart", and repeated it twice, just in case I hadn't heard. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 14:24 - Netherlands

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend because he's been working extra hard these last two months. I went to his house only to find him in bed with another girl. Standing there, with fifteen roses in my hands, all he could say was, "Thank you, can you put them in a vase?" FML

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By tbright010 - 8/4/2011 22:48 - United States

Today, the highlight of my day was learning how to drain my dog's anal glands. FML

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By Crappit - 6/10/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, my roomate thought it would be funny to take pictures of my morning wood and put it up on Facebook for everyone to see. FML

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By wet - 23/4/2011 18:33 - United States

Today, the toilet on the top floor of my house burst, soaked the bathroom, and water dripped down into the kitchen and the basement for hours when nobody was home. Eight blowers and a dehumidifier later, the house is about 90 degrees and I can't leave. FML

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By thedullard - 16/2/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, at the gym, I see a person laying unconscious on the ground with people crowded around. Previously being a lifeguard, and knowing CPR, I ran over and asked a man what happened, preparing to check his vitals. I then realized that the body was a dummy and the employees were doing a drill. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2009 06:57 - Australia

Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker's shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML

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By nosrepamai82 - 26/7/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband made a replica of our family on The Sims 3. I also found out he killed me off a couple weeks ago and made a new wife, KiKi. FML

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By qwerty - 27/11/2018 22:08

Today, I found out my little sister took a picture of me taking a shit and showed it to her friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2015 14:54 - Portugal - Alhandra

Today, my boyfriend thinks he's discovered a big conspiracy by dentists to sell toothpaste. He's arguing that nobody needs to brush their teeth, ever, because all the "new plaque" from food will dissolve the "old plaque", and the only thing he needs to use is breath spray. FML

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By jilted - 21/3/2009 07:15 - United States

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

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By anon - 13/1/2016 02:41 - United States

Today, I was eating at a diner one of my friends from work recommended to me. I ordered a chicken salad sandwich, which was pretty good despite the used bandaid in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2014 19:49 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at work, a kid rushed into the bathroom to vomit. Understandable, except he threw up into the sinks. Sinks plural, whose drain holes are so small that only liquid can really pass through. Guess who had to clean up vomit chunks. FML

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By pretty_coin - 23/10/2011 01:02 - Australia

Today, I'm hiding in my own house, because my crazy neighbor wants to "play." Yesterday when I agreed, she made me spend the whole day with her, then burst into tears when I had to leave. She's been waiting outside for over two hours. FML

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By Single - 4/12/2012 16:17 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, my girlfriend showed me a print of a Banksy that she'd just bought, telling me it was an original. When I tried to argue that it wasn't, she broke up with me for "implying she was a moron." FML

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By writerflaw - 10/3/2015 17:36 - United States - Juneau

Today, I lost a grade on an essay, because according to my teacher, I put much more detail into my analytical essay than I should have. FML

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By missmirror - 2/5/2011 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents woke me up by pouring a glass of freezing cold water over my head. Their reason? They were 'bored'. FML

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By gingerninja - 2/11/2010 17:43 - United Kingdom

Today, our class was focusing on discrimination, and our teacher asked us if anyone had ever felt discriminated against. I put my hand up to share a story, and my teacher immediately said "It's because you're ginger, isn't it?" That's not what I was going to say. FML

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By poorgary - 18/12/2008 11:46 - France

Today, it's my birthday. It's 6.30 pm. I'm still the only person aware of what day it is. FML

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By Username - 3/10/2011 17:58 - United States

Today, my roommate informed me that one of her scorpions is loose in our apartment again. Great. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2012 00:31

Today, I was T-boned at an intersection. In an ambulance. On the way to the hospital after being T-boned at an intersection. FML

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By sad_gay - 16/4/2009 08:40 - United States

Today, I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver. They drank too much and, on the way home, hooked up in the back seat. FML

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By fretting - 8/9/2016 17:02 - United States - Fort White

Today, my co-worker, who used to be in a frat with me in college, decided to tell all my coworkers as well as my boss all the stupid things I did in college, starting with the time a girl stole my clothes and I had to walk across campus naked. FML

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By Seriously? - 22/7/2017 13:54

Today, my friend with benefits got my new car stuck in a mud hole. I had to call my ex to get us unstuck. FML

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By -___- - 29/9/2013 19:46 - United States - Winfield

Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML

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By mysterygurll1234567 - 20/1/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. The reason? My boss didn't feel comfortable paying his son's girlfriend. FML

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By eeelise5296 - 1/3/2012 20:39 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture. In the mirror I could see a bra and thong sitting on his bed. They weren't mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2020 08:00

Phoney sex

Today, after having some great, intimate phone sex with my boyfriend, he immediately said, "Well, gotta go," and hung up. Thanks for making me feel like some sort of phone-hooker, dude. FML

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By phantom-yamato - 1/5/2020 17:00

Germ warfare

Today, I accidentally scanned a customer’s item twice. Before I could take it off, she quickly leaned over the counter and coughed on me. Repeatedly. FML

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By Rory - 14/4/2012 22:19 - Canada - Toronto

Today, despite the fact that I'm really sick, my mom insisted that I come home and help babysit my cousins this weekend. When I got there, everyone else took off to do "errands," leaving me with three hyperactive, howler monkey-like children to deal with. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2019 00:00 - United Kingdom

Not funny anymore

Today at work, the security threw out an old man in his 80s that had been caught masturbating while hiding in the ladies changing room. I thought it was funny until my manager told me to clean up that very same changing room with the old man spunk all over the wall and floor. FML

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By that guy - 6/2/2015 16:56 - United States - Atascadero

Today, my girlfriend told her parents that she's pregnant. We have never even come close to having sex, but she told them I'm the father. Not only is my girlfriend cheating on me, but her father now wants me dead. FML

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By Mr. Hopeless - 13/2/2009 21:59 - United States

Today, I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. She did about two hours later and it said "sorry I was having sex at the time you texted me. So how are you?" FML

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By ScarredEars - 12/8/2010 12:02 - United States

Today, I heard my parents having sex. It wouldn't have been so bad if we weren't in the same hotel room. They thought I was asleep. FML

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By ok cool - 13/10/2015 01:53 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, while I was in the bathroom my mom walked in and tried to have a conversation with me about my bowel movements. I'm 23, and this is a regular thing. FML

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Top comments

By Theglc20 | 27

#5634838 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:11

Just walk away. Walk away and dont come back

By HeartOfLead | 24

#5634840 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:12

Don't be alarmed OP, just call your boss/manager and ask him how.

COMMENTS

By Theglc20 | 27

#5634838 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:11

Just walk away. Walk away and dont come back

AculyAmber | 12

#5634865 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:22

It kind of sucks the managers left Op alone when he didn't know how to do everything correctly. Haven't they ever heard of training?

Arrow44 | 10

#5634895 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:46

Its time to sob in fetal position.

SwaggCapone | 11

#5635125 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 2:19

And you expect us to know?

dmahen | 10

#5635423 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 8:18

Hopefully, OP isn't working at a nuclear reactor.

By JasonUMN | 15

#5634839 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:12

Hopefully keeping your job after this mishap isn't just a pipe dream.

hemz_fml | 13

#5639354 - Friday 23 August 2013 2:22

So you decide to post on FML? Some of these are so absurd it's hard to believe some people even fall for it.

By HeartOfLead | 24

#5634840 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:12

Don't be alarmed OP, just call your boss/manager and ask him how.

subwaysurfers | 13

#5634941 - Monday 19 August 2013 23:40

Pun intended? I almost missed it.

By Slawter16 | 24

#5634841 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:13

Do what you'd do if you were in a toy store and a toy started making noises and you didn't know how to stop it.. Walk far away..

Welshite | 39

#5634873 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:27

See, I'm one of those people who walk down the toy aisles and turn on EVERY SINGLE TOY. Then I stand back and watch the children's eyes light up. What can I say? I'm a nice person.

Zebediabolical | 37

#5635337 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 6:15

I'm one of those people who tries to muffle it and if that doesn't work throws it to the ground and stomps on it until it dies.

clemsi | 20

#5635406 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 7:58

67 I can't decide if I like you or hate you ....on the one hand I hated it when toys would go off and would also bury them to shut them up, on the other I hated picking up items on the ground

By contextbot | 0

#5634844 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:14

(OP actually works at a public school)

By xenmarkal51 | 6

#5634845 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:14

Run!!!

By michelleJ11 | 25

#5634846 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:15

Keep calm & call someone for help.

By turkturkington | 13

#5634847 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:15

Sirens usually mean 'vacate', don't they? You should do as they say. And then act shocked and horrified when you hear that someone has been silly enough to set the sirens off and then LEAVE them blaring. ;)

By Behind_walls | 13

#5634849 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:16

Just leave ... Go home, don't go back.

By Youkmylife | 7

#5634851 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:16

I just hope you're not working at a power plant.