Love: Today, I finally slept with the man of my dreams. After he left...

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally slept with the man of my dreams. After he left for work, I found a six-inch skid mark smack dab in the middle of my sheets. Apparently, the man of my dreams doesn't believe in toilet paper. FML

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Love

Proactive

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Season finale

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss told me I was fired 3 weeks ago because there was no money to pay me, meaning that I worked the last three weeks for free. FML

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By blindedbythelight - United States - Orlando

Fashionably Late

Today, the pair of solar eclipse glasses I ordered weeks ago arrived. I'm sure they'll come in handy for 2024. FML

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By suffersecks - United States

Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML

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1951

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By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, I was at a party, and someone called the cops on us. I dove into a bush that turned out to have thorns. I got multiple cuts and a sprained wrist, and got arrested anyway. Its kind of hard to hide from the police when you're screaming in agony. FML

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By JackSteely

Today, I found a wallet containing an ID card. I managed to track down the owner, who now is threatening to call the police if I don't return the 400 dollars that he insists were also in it. FML

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By SingleWorker - United States

Today, I come home for lunch. I see a sandwich on the table with a note saying "I hope we can have a healthy new relationship, Love, Carissa." I see another note from my girlfriend next to it saying "I hope you enjoy your new relationship with Carissa." Carissa is my new step mother. FML

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By mustachio101 - United States - Montgomery

Today, my boyfriend thought it appropriate to let me know that doing the "duck face" in my Facebook pictures "highlights my mustache." FML

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By Eternal Servitude - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom decided to have a get together at my house while I was at work. When I came home, she pulled me aside and asked me to pretend to be her maid. FML

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By Max Flynn

Jesus freak

Today, while driving, a minivan cut me off. Pissed, I started honking and cursing. I then went ballistic when the driver waved out the window, smiling. It wasn't until I was at a stoplight that I noticed their "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML

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By KereKris - 17/6/2020 14:05

Hi how are you?

Today, I texted my boss, "I'm looking forward to doing you" instead of, "I'm looking forward to seeing you" thanks to a very unfortunate combination of my atrocious typing skills on a smartphone and an overzealous autocorrect function. FML

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By Ataraxia - United States

Today, I woke up to the realization that the 2-hour nap I wanted to take before I went out with my friends last night was actually a 12-hour nap. I missed everything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned I have over $10,000 in debt, despite never owning a credit card. Apparently, my ex-roommate had been replying to the credit card offers I was receiving in the mail. That also explains my missing driver's license a few months back. FML

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By harrypottermuch - Canada

Today, I found out there's a Harry Potter club at my school. My boyfriend is in it. FML

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By poisonivyandbigfoot

Today, I was playing a game on my boyfriend's phone when he got a text from a girl saying, "last night was so fun." When I asked him about it, he panicked and said, "we were hunting Bigfoot." FML

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4024

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By jsalmons - Germany

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

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59358

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By varsity soccer player - United States

Today, I had my first day of soccer tryouts. We began with a two mile run. Trying to be honest for once, I didn't lie about my time. Everyone else did. I thus got the worst score, and had to run it again. FML

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33163

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By Kaboom - Canada

Today, I went out for a smoke break. A homeless person walks up to me and asks for a cig. As I pull out my pack he says "Oh... Menthols... no I don't smoke that cheap shit". I was called cheap by a hobo. FML

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By Ouch - 18/1/2021 08:02

Fragile

Today, I'm 3 days post-partum and my husband accidentally jabbed into my side while flopping onto the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, I was trying to apply some toothpaste on my pimple to help dry it out. My mum came from behind and hugged me, making me accidentally apply minty toothpaste into my right eye instead. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Maastricht

Today, I sat through an incredibly long and tedious class lecture. Just as my professor was nearing the end of his lecture, the resident stoner loudly yawned and asked what we'd been talking about for the past hour. We got to hear most of the lecture all over again. FML

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By David - United States - London

Today, my boss found out I had applied for a much better paying job. He told me I'd do a better job and make more money there. Then he fired me. FML

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By "Mel Hahn"

Today, I walked out of my boyfriend's house to see my car window smashed in and my steering wheel cover stolen. I was only staying at his place because there had been a rash of vehicle break-ins in my neighborhood. FML

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By dumped - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. How? He invited my mother to his house for coffee with his parents, and told her. She then had to come home and tell me I’d been dumped. FML

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By toametru1 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I mockingly made "President Trump" jokes all day to my friends, knowing Clinton was bound to win the election. FML

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By distressed - Australia

Today, my boyfriend started his first day of work. After saying our goodbyes, I went into our bedroom to get changed, picked up one of my blouses and found a camera, still recording. I guess someone has major trust issues. FML

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By khannnn - United States

Today, looking to hire new tech support members, but due to not looking over any resumés, my ex-wife is now one of our potential candidates. FML

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By Stacy Dee - United States

Today, my family is on the third day of driving cross country. My husband is still pretending he is driving on a NASCAR track, sound effects and all. FML

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By crazygirl12 - United States

Today, while working at Kohl's this woman came up to me and asked if I was Native American, I said yes, she then says "Oh! I thought you guys went extinct." This is the country I live in. FML

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By hairynips - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to lie to my boyfriend and tell him that the red bumps around my nipples was heat rash, rather than admit it was actually razor burn. FML

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By now what - Canada

Today, I got laid off. I abandoned my friends, my boyfriend and moved 10 hours away for this job because my uncle convinced me to. My uncle is my employer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, my friendly neighbor asked me to check in on his apartment every few days while he's gone on vacation. You can imagine my horror when I walked in for the first time and found out he's a snake breeder. Twelve more days to go. FML

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By justin Bieber - United States - Westland

Today, I was on a boat and I thought I saw a towel fly off, but it was actually my fricken dog. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Greensborough

Today, I was sitting on a bench outside a supermarket waiting to be picked up, when a old lady walked out of the shop. She hadn't noticed me and sat on the bench beside me. She looked around and saw me, rolled her eyes, got up and moved to a different bench. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Valley Stream

Today, my roommate reached a whole new level of laziness: I caught him casually peeing into an empty beer bottle while laying in bed. FML

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By dBLIZZARD - United States

Today, my dog ran away. I looked for him for 5 hours, and when I came back home, he was waiting for me at the door. FML

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By mel - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a family dinner. My grandma wasted no time calling me a slut for not wearing a dress, my dad called my police officer boyfriend a "fucking pig", and then he told my mother to "put a cock in it" when she defended me. No wonder I hardly ever visit these people. FML

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43917

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By boobs are for baby - United States - Hesperia

Today, I’m still trying desperately to explain to my boyfriend why I’m not interested in any kind of breast or nipple play. I gave birth to our son just 2 months ago and I strictly breastfeed. He insists it’s "not fair" that the baby gets the breasts all the time. Um, what? FML

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By SaveMeTeddy - Canada - Burnaby

Today, it hit me that I'm incredibly pathetic, when at the age of 21, I tucked my stuffed animals into bed with me, facing in different directions so they could keep watch for monsters while I slept. FML

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Top comments

By abNormal62 | 23

#6315084 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:57

Clearly not your "Prince Charmin"

By SweetSociopathy | 24

#6315094 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 9:01

Maybe you just rode the shit out of him.

COMMENTS

By kayj905 | 15

#6315079 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:54

Thats a pretty shitty thing to do.

creatureman | 14

#6315111 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 9:20

You should feel bad about that pun.

Dave_Davington | 33

#6315180 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 11:25

You get a lot of shit for making puns like that, nowadays.

kayj905 | 15

#6315483 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 19:29

What about #4's comment?

Grenith | 21

#6315899 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 7:47

They tried harder than you.

By Nahpets | 22

#6315080 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:55

What a shitty expirience
FYL

larrena2377 | 26

#6315110 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 9:18

Experience*

MrConcise | 34

#6315426 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 17:51

Your profile picture added to your "shitty" spelling makes you seem perpetually high.

pinque | 19

#6317896 - Friday 12 June 2015 4:57

Really you couldn't have came up with something better

By abNormal62 | 23

#6315081 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:55

Clearly the lack of hygiene rubbed you the wrong way

By nityasomaiya | 46

#6315082 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:56

Oh poop! That's one hell of a shituation.

TheBelt | 19

#6315507 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 19:55

Now that's a pun

peacheso | 31

#6315548 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 21:19

#4s comment is original.

By Cads1 | 24

#6315083 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:56

Lol, is he still the man of your dreams?

sturschaedel | 27

#6315186 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 11:35

Not so dreamy now, I guess.

psychopolarbear | 28

#6315832 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 5:29

Technically, nightmares are dreams too. OP never specified if they were the "good" dreams or not lol

By abNormal62 | 23

#6315084 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:57

Clearly not your "Prince Charmin"

meliodafool_ | 15

#6315100 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 9:05

your wit is punbelievable.

smackaroonial | 20

#6315772 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 4:25

This is the most original, hilarious comment I have ever laid my eyes on. I hereby dub you, Comment King.

shay_serendipity | 29

#6315778 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 4:30

This is one of the few comments that actually made me laugh out loud, kudos to your witty pun!

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#6315874 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 7:05

Yeah, this comment is incredibly clever.

By alex_622 | 22

#6315085 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:57

Sorry OP. Maybe it's time to find a new man of your dreams...one that uses toilet paper

By nityasomaiya | 46

#6315086 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:58

Doesn't he even believe in using the washroom?

By tellyc | 27

#6315087 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:58

Maybe you could introduce him to some toilet paper

gintwinsmoore | 20

#6315297 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 13:54

nah, #9, that's just too much work!

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6315355 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 15:33

There are some imperfections a partner shouldn't have to fix.

By drshn | 22

#6315089 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:59

Oh god!! not a good start to the for day for both of us.
You, for experiencing it and for me due to reading.