Love: Today, I finally slept with the man of my dreams. After he left...

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally slept with the man of my dreams. After he left for work, I found a six-inch skid mark smack dab in the middle of my sheets. Apparently, the man of my dreams doesn't believe in toilet paper. FML

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Love

Serious times

The smell detective is on the case

No, it's not a cult, not at all

By dragynfyre - United States

Today, my boss called me out for a drug test. His reason was because my eyes are puffy and bloodshot, making me look high. I've been suffering from allergies all week, but still had to pee in a cup in front of a complete stranger. FML

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By cactii - United States

Today, I accidentally crashed my mom's car into my dad's car. FML

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By :(( - Japan - Tokyo

Mind your own business

Today, in a public restroom, an elderly lady started bitching me out for not washing my hands. I was so intimidated that I did so under her accusing watch. I'm quite intolerant to many soaps, and I now have a horrible rash on my left hand because I was too frightened to explain. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I woke up to an angry text from my roommate asking me to please let her know next time I'm going to have a friend crashing on the couch. I have no idea who she's talking about. FML

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By Oh - United States - Winterville

Today, I wrote my girlfriend a song. She wrote me a 13-page letter on why we should break up. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Gent

Today, I was verbally and physically attacked in a public pool, because I was swimming in what a grandma claimed was her part of the pool. Since I'm a very tolerant person, I calmly tried to talk some reason into the elderly lady. The lifeguard had to come to protect me. FML

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By Oh_baby - United States

Today, I checked facebook, only to find out that my close cousin is now married. When I looked at the pictures, I saw that my whole family was there - including my sister, mother and father. I was the only one who wasn't invited. FML

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By tragic - United States - Bloomington

Today, I got dumped for the second time by the guy that I'd been seeing. He actually forgot that he'd already dumped me once this week and did it again. FML

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By fuck wannabe knowitalls - United States

Today, I received a death threat from some nutball accusing me of being part of some big government conspiracy called "Haarp." According to this psycho, I'm responsible for causing the recent tornadoes in Oklahoma. I'm just a small-time weatherman. FML

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By emih - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to my workplace and presented me with a lock of his hair. His pubic hair that he'd just cut. FML

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By LicenseLoser

Today, I received a notice that I'm being fined for failure to renew my Florida license. I've lived in Maryland for the last seven years and I've never had a Florida license. FML

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By bleu_noir - United States

Today, someone at work put their used, bloodied tampon applicator back in its wrapper, and into the free tampon bin for some sucker to grab. That sucker was me. FML

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By Catie - United States

Today, my husband and I went to the state fair. The entire time, he complained about all the money we were losing because of the high prices of both rides and food. Towards the end of the night, we counted the cash we had left and found we were $50 short. Apparently, it fell out of his pocket. FML

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By Stop being healthy

Today, and every other day this week, I brought carrots and celery into work to eat as a snack instead of chocolate. I got back from lunch to find a note on my desk saying, "Do you really think it's OK to eat carrots and celery that loudly every day?" Guess I won't try to be healthy. FML

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By suspicious - United States

Today, I received a lovely letter from the council telling me I have to cease the act of "breeding and selling cats" because someone from my Facebook reported me. I'm pretty sure I've never owned a cat or had one in my house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the middle of an interview; it was going great until I started coughing. That coughing led to an asthma attack, which led to nonstop gagging. I couldn't even answer his final question, "Are you okay?" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2021 01:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Mr Nice Guy

Today, it was our 12th anniversary. My husband only remembered because family members texted to wish us a happy anniversary. When he went out to the store to get groceries, he didn't even buy me flowers. He's also irritated that I "seem sad or something." FML

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944

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in my school's crowded auditorium. When our single, abstinence-only ballsack of a Sex Ed teacher was announced to be stepping down due to being pregnant, I burst into uncontrollable laughter. My reward was aching sides and a week of detention. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I realised I haven't had a date in so long that I actually seriously considered meeting someone from online, purely based on the fact he could spell properly. FML

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By Brian - United States - Sandston

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house having dinner with her and her parents. I was casually playing footsie with my girlfriend under the table, until her mom stopped eating and said, "You know that's my foot, right?" FML

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By T-Pain - United States

Today, my boyfriend stopped making out with me to watch a thirty minute infomercial on the Topsy-Turvy upside down tomato planter. FML

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By AgentFreshers - United States

Today, my mother resolved to never visit McDonald's again. Not because of ethics or health concerns, but because they charged her for extra barbecue sauce. She bitched out the man in the drive-through for a good five minutes, while I sat awkwardly in the passenger's seat. FML

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By anon - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I told my grandma my boyfriend had cheated on me. She told me that it was my fault for not straightening my hair, and for gaining a few pounds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Duarte

Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom, he stopped right before he entered me and said, "Knock knock!" He refused to continue until I replied, "Come in." FML

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By hopeyoushityourintestinesout - United States - Everett

Today, I drove 2 hours to my sister's wedding, only to find out my invitation was sent to me by mistake. She had me kicked out. FML

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By sleepysophie - United States - Helena

Today, I slept over at my friend's house. Her dad made breakfast for us. While fixing a plate, my friend said, "Careful, my dad clips his nails in the kitchen." She said it with a sarcastic, joking tone, and laughed afterwards. While eating, I found a toenail in my food. Her response? "I told you." FML

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By blueballs - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, in the middle of what had to be the most amazing blowjob I've ever had in my life, my girlfriend had a mental breakdown and began weeping on top of my cock. FML

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By Anonymous - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, my mother described what her ideal daughter-in-law should be like. Half-way through her description, fishing for some compliments, I told her that such a girl would be way above my league. She sighed and emphatically agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I learned that "Je suis excité" does not mean "I'm excited" in French. It means "I'm sexually excited"... more or less. I've been doing a lot of exciting things and using it a lot the past two weeks. With my French friends, people I meet, and especially with my host family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home from my 2 week trip to Florida. At the airport, the door said "Enter Only", while a sign above it said "Do not enter." Long story short, I got arrested for "disobeying signs." Nothing says "Welcome home" like being arrested. FML

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By Rants

Today, we've had some auditors with us and I chat with some of them during the day. It's Friday so I asked one of them until what time they were working. It was late and I loudly exclaimed, "That's so late! Your bosses have no hearts!" The auditor then points to their table where the boss is sitting. Glaring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

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By ekoblick - United States

Today, I got food poisoning from my wedding food. FML

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By Curt - United States

Today, I discovered that I don't have Herpes or Genital warts. I have acne on my penis. FML

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By Sigh - United Kingdom - Waltham Abbey

Today, a woman strapped her 8-year-old son into the seat next to me on a transatlantic flight. Thinking they'd been unable to book seats together, I offered to swap seats with her. She said she'd booked it this way intentionally, because he's a "fucking brat" on flights. She was right. FML

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By pop_rox - United States

Today, I was riding in a carpool when we passed a church that has a shady reputation. I said "man, all those people are being brainwashed, it's a cult". The lady sitting in the back seat behind me says "I'm a member of that church". OOPS. Silence. FML

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By Anonymous

Inappropriate crush

Today, a week after my 10-year anniversary, I realized I've somehow been roped into hosting my husband's crush's birthday party with all their friends. My gift to myself was a $60 bottle of whiskey that won't arrive in time to help me with my debilitating social anxiety. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my housemate blew chunks all over the freshly-painted walls in the bathroom. The paint was still wet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I can sneak out of my house... but not back in. FML

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By broken down and flat broke - United States - Alexandria

Today, I had the lovely experience of witnessing a tow truck cause a couple thousand dollars' worth of damage to my broken-down car. FML

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Top comments

By abNormal62 | 23

#6315084 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:57

Clearly not your "Prince Charmin"

By SweetSociopathy | 24

#6315094 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 9:01

Maybe you just rode the shit out of him.

COMMENTS

By kayj905 | 15

#6315079 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:54

Thats a pretty shitty thing to do.

creatureman | 14

#6315111 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 9:20

You should feel bad about that pun.

Dave_Davington | 33

#6315180 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 11:25

You get a lot of shit for making puns like that, nowadays.

kayj905 | 15

#6315483 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 19:29

What about #4's comment?

Grenith | 21

#6315899 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 7:47

They tried harder than you.

By Nahpets | 22

#6315080 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:55

What a shitty expirience
FYL

larrena2377 | 26

#6315110 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 9:18

Experience*

MrConcise | 34

#6315426 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 17:51

Your profile picture added to your "shitty" spelling makes you seem perpetually high.

pinque | 19

#6317896 - Friday 12 June 2015 4:57

Really you couldn't have came up with something better

By abNormal62 | 23

#6315081 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:55

Clearly the lack of hygiene rubbed you the wrong way

By nityasomaiya | 46

#6315082 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:56

Oh poop! That's one hell of a shituation.

TheBelt | 19

#6315507 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 19:55

Now that's a pun

peacheso | 31

#6315548 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 21:19

#4s comment is original.

By Cads1 | 24

#6315083 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:56

Lol, is he still the man of your dreams?

sturschaedel | 27

#6315186 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 11:35

Not so dreamy now, I guess.

psychopolarbear | 28

#6315832 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 5:29

Technically, nightmares are dreams too. OP never specified if they were the "good" dreams or not lol

By abNormal62 | 23

#6315084 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:57

Clearly not your "Prince Charmin"

meliodafool_ | 15

#6315100 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 9:05

your wit is punbelievable.

smackaroonial | 20

#6315772 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 4:25

This is the most original, hilarious comment I have ever laid my eyes on. I hereby dub you, Comment King.

shay_serendipity | 29

#6315778 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 4:30

This is one of the few comments that actually made me laugh out loud, kudos to your witty pun!

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#6315874 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 7:05

Yeah, this comment is incredibly clever.

By alex_622 | 22

#6315085 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:57

Sorry OP. Maybe it's time to find a new man of your dreams...one that uses toilet paper

By nityasomaiya | 46

#6315086 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:58

Doesn't he even believe in using the washroom?

By tellyc | 27

#6315087 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:58

Maybe you could introduce him to some toilet paper

gintwinsmoore | 20

#6315297 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 13:54

nah, #9, that's just too much work!

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6315355 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 15:33

There are some imperfections a partner shouldn't have to fix.

By drshn | 22

#6315089 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:59

Oh god!! not a good start to the for day for both of us.
You, for experiencing it and for me due to reading.