Today, I finally slept with the man of my dreams. After he left...

By Anonymous - 8/6/2015 19:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally slept with the man of my dreams. After he left for work, I found a six-inch skid mark smack dab in the middle of my sheets. Apparently, the man of my dreams doesn't believe in toilet paper. FML

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Love

Instadrama

Doomed

The past that suits you best

By bb - 3/10/2012 16:19 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, after having tried for months to get a promotion at work, I finally had an interview for a higher position. Everything went great, and I was told I would get a call next week for my second interview. I went back to my desk, only to get an email stating they're canceling the position. FML

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By dadisgoatboy - 11/6/2011 06:37 - Switzerland

Today, my dad awkwardly asked me how to selectively clear his browser history. Apparently, my mom discovered his browsing habits and tore him a new one for looking at "nothing but vile smut". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2014 20:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused: "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

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By Monique - 10/4/2011 06:50 - United States

Today, my head has been killing me. I've had the worst headache ever. Happy that I could finally sleep, I plopped onto my bed and bashed my head on the wall. FML

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By Lucachoo - 21/10/2016 05:16

Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his muscles as my anniversary gift. FML

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By brinn - 16/9/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2013 17:51 - Finland

Today, I was babysitting a kid for the first time. She asked if she could watch a movie, so I downloaded Cinderella for her. An hour later, this 10-year-old girl was lecturing me about unrealistic standards of beauty and abusive relationships, and how I suck for liking the movie. FML

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By Jeanna S. - 23/11/2012 15:10 - United States

Today, my cat was too overweight to get out of the litter box, so he gave up, and went to sleep. I had to pick him up out of his own waste and clean him up. FML

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By bill219 - 7/12/2012 22:40 - United States - Dallas

Today, I was at the breakfast table when my sister started eating a banana. Before I knew what was happening, I'd somehow popped a boner. I had to wait for her to leave before I could stand up. FML

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By llaurenmariee - 4/8/2012 11:35 - United States

Today, I was pooping at a local Target when I heard someone say "You need to eat more solids, you're pooping like a rabbit." FML

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By SomeGuyInNY - 16/12/2017 09:00 - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, I volunteered to tend bar at a friend's charity event. I was called incompetent and had a drink thrown at me for stirring a martini instead of shaking "like they do in James Bond". I've been tending bar for 30 years and have never had a drink thrown at me before. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up, and he came by to get his things while I was at work. When I got home I saw that the only thing he had taken was my cat. I only dated him for 5 months, I've had that cat for 14 years. FML

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By sniper foxeh - 29/7/2018 01:30

Today, my younger sister and I were camping when, during the middle of the night, she asked me if I could take her to the toilets as she was scared. I told her to go by herself or go behind the tent. Thirty seconds later, she peed on me. FML

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By Bec - 25/7/2011 14:10 - Australia

Today, the police were canvassing my neighbourhood about a recent robbery. When I answered the door, my brother saw badges, panicked, and jumped out our apartment's third-storey window in an attempt to escape. He thought they were after him for using a bong two weeks ago. I'm related to this twit. FML

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By dormeur - 18/1/2013 11:39 - France - Malakoff

Today, as usual, my cat was sleeping on my stomach. I couldn't fall asleep so I delicately picked him up and put him down next to me. He got up, hopped back onto me, gave me a slap and then went back to sleep on my stomach. I didn't dare move all night. FML

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By nano123 - 17/4/2020 08:00

Played yourself

Today, I gave myself a hickey on my bicep just to know how it feels. I'm a 28-year-old virgin and yes, that's possible. FML

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By norestforthewicked - 19/4/2011 04:30

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

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By shelby124 - 15/8/2012 16:31 - United States - York

Today, I realized why it's not a good idea to sleep with your boyfriend when he still lives with his mom. She may walk in, make you get dressed, and demand what you have to say for yourself. Trust me, "Your son is good at sex" is not the right answer. FML

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By Unhelpful - 7/2/2012 04:27 - United States

Today, I was called an 'unhelpful little bitch' by a customer, after I informed her that we couldn't order a pair of shoes she wanted from the company in her size because it's a discontinued model. This little tirade continued for another few minutes, with her insulting me and my intelligence. FML

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By NoPrivacy - 26/4/2012 10:44 - United States

Today, my boss overheard me singing, "I need a shit, I need a shit" on my way to the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2012 15:32 - United States - Acton

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Yesterday, I finally came to my senses and started using birth control. FML

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By Asian - 7/2/2016 19:03 - United States - Clover

Today, I was asked to prove that I was Chinese by translating the phrase, "Ching chong ming chang ho". I'm not even Chinese. FML

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By OhWait - 23/10/2015 00:18 - United States - Schenectady

Today, after six weeks of dealing with various exterminators, my roommate and I were about to toast to what we were told was a wasp-free room. That's when we noticed several much smaller wasps flying around. Not only is our wasp problem not solved, but our room is a wasp breeding ground. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 04:13 - United States

Today, at my new job, I took some food out to a customer. Walking away, I heard a lady mumble, "Oh my God, you could never pay me enough to wear that." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2015 13:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my school had to make an official announcement that students were not permitted to go home due to Zayn Malik leaving One Direction because so many girls were claiming they couldn't focus on school with such a dramatic event occurring. FML

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By :( - 28/3/2014 20:25 - Sweden - Ume

Today, my grandma reduced me to a sobbing wreck in two short sentences, just to win a bet against my mum. FML

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By bob the builder - 8/11/2012 14:36 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I'm at work on a construction site for a high rise building, on the 12th floor today. I've developed a severe case of the runs, causing me to need to rush to the nearest toilet periodically. Luckily for me it's conveniently located on the ground floor. FML

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By thanksmum - 29/5/2010 17:39 - Germany

Today, I decided to take a nap before a big job interview at 6. I set two alarm clocks to make sure I didn't miss it, but I woke up at 5:59. As I'm scrambling in a panic to get out the door, my mom says calmly, "I took your alarm clocks out of your room because you looked really tired today." FML

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By LittleRed - 5/3/2012 08:45 - United States

Today, I got more turned on by the idea of sex with my boyfriend than actually doing it. FML

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By hopeless1 - 26/4/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I met a really hot guy at a bar. We talked for a while and really seemed to hit it off. We ended up going to my apartment. He stopped and said, "Clean up this mess and maybe we could do something another time." I am a complete neat freak - my apartment had been robbed and trashed. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2010 22:26 - United States

Today, after an argument with a coworker, I sent him "Sorry about being such a jerk" in a reply to a mass email he had sent. I accidentally hit 'Reply All'. I now have 32 "It's okay" messages in my inbox. FML

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By cassidy_smith12 - 24/8/2013 14:55 - United States - Medina

Today, I was walking down the street when a man stole my purse. He then opened the purse, threw up in it, and gave it back. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 20:45 - United States - Clay City

Today, I went to buy some beer using my fake ID, when the cute cashier and I started flirting. When he asked me how old I was, I said without thinking, "Nineteen." FML

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By NotAmericanIdol - 23/4/2009 20:04 - United States

Today, I was home by myself. I was singing "If I Had A Million Dollars" really loudly since I figured no one could hear me. As I'm really into the song, my neighbor shouts, "If I had a million dollars, I'd give it to you to stop singing" and slams his balcony door shut. FML

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By selfishsexysanta - 24/12/2012 18:06 - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

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By lunarclips - 27/6/2016 14:08 - Canada - Brandon

Today, is the day I graduate. Today is the day I have explosive diarrhea and I haven't moved far from the toilet since I woke up this morning. FML

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By Teddy - 26/11/2012 20:54 - United States - Gardner

Today, I ran into my sister, who nobody in the family has seen in six years. She looked very happy working the pole. FML

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By KidCudi227 - 23/10/2019 06:00 - United States

Empathy

Today, my boyfriend sent me a bouquet of roses with a message attached. The message said, "Ever since your dog died you've stopped putting out, so I think we should break up." FML

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By motherfuck666 - 18/5/2014 21:21 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's mom got him a shitload of Axe for his birthday. Now I get nauseous whenever I go near him. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2012 06:14 - United States

Today, I was visiting family in Oregon. I did not know it was illegal to pump your own gas; the cops were involved. FML

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Top comments

By abNormal62 | 23

#6315084 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:57

Clearly not your "Prince Charmin"

By SweetSociopathy | 24

#6315094 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 9:01

Maybe you just rode the shit out of him.

COMMENTS

By kayj905 | 15

#6315079 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:54

Thats a pretty shitty thing to do.

creatureman | 14

#6315111 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 9:20

You should feel bad about that pun.

Dave_Davington | 33

#6315180 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 11:25

You get a lot of shit for making puns like that, nowadays.

kayj905 | 15

#6315483 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 19:29

What about #4's comment?

Grenith | 21

#6315899 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 7:47

They tried harder than you.

By Nahpets | 22

#6315080 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:55

What a shitty expirience
FYL

larrena2377 | 26

#6315110 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 9:18

Experience*

MrConcise | 34

#6315426 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 17:51

Your profile picture added to your "shitty" spelling makes you seem perpetually high.

pinque | 19

#6317896 - Friday 12 June 2015 4:57

Really you couldn't have came up with something better

By abNormal62 | 23

#6315081 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:55

Clearly the lack of hygiene rubbed you the wrong way

By nityasomaiya | 46

#6315082 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:56

Oh poop! That's one hell of a shituation.

TheBelt | 19

#6315507 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 19:55

Now that's a pun

peacheso | 31

#6315548 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 21:19

#4s comment is original.

By Cads1 | 24

#6315083 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:56

Lol, is he still the man of your dreams?

sturschaedel | 27

#6315186 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 11:35

Not so dreamy now, I guess.

psychopolarbear | 28

#6315832 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 5:29

Technically, nightmares are dreams too. OP never specified if they were the "good" dreams or not lol

By abNormal62 | 23

#6315084 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:57

Clearly not your "Prince Charmin"

meliodafool_ | 15

#6315100 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 9:05

your wit is punbelievable.

smackaroonial | 20

#6315772 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 4:25

This is the most original, hilarious comment I have ever laid my eyes on. I hereby dub you, Comment King.

shay_serendipity | 29

#6315778 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 4:30

This is one of the few comments that actually made me laugh out loud, kudos to your witty pun!

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#6315874 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 7:05

Yeah, this comment is incredibly clever.

By alex_622 | 22

#6315085 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:57

Sorry OP. Maybe it's time to find a new man of your dreams...one that uses toilet paper

By nityasomaiya | 46

#6315086 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:58

Doesn't he even believe in using the washroom?

By tellyc | 27

#6315087 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:58

Maybe you could introduce him to some toilet paper

gintwinsmoore | 20

#6315297 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 13:54

nah, #9, that's just too much work!

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6315355 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 15:33

There are some imperfections a partner shouldn't have to fix.

By drshn | 22

#6315089 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:59

Oh god!! not a good start to the for day for both of us.
You, for experiencing it and for me due to reading.