Kids: Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Tulsa

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

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BO Central

Inappropriate crush

Class Wars - UK Edition

By Andrew7847 - United States

Today, I finally managed to get through to the radio station that I always listen to. I handed the phone to my dad so he could win the prize for me, because I'm under 18. He hung up because he thought it was a prank call. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got my first acting part. I played the role of a bad boy who has to grab the leading lady's ass, who then slaps me in the face. The ass grab was done in one take. The slap required 14 takes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

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By that girl has a beard - Canada

Today, I went to the movies. A really cute girl sat beside me. I tried to strike up a conversation with her until she turned to look at me and I realized he was a guy. I couldn't even finish the movie because I felt his judging eyes burn holes into me the entire time. FML

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By overpriced coffee shop worker - United States - Rowland Heights

Today, while working at the coffee shop, I had to empty the garbage cans. One of the bags gave way, and all the half-finished cups of coffee spilled all over my uniform. Most customers' orders cost more than I make per hour. FML

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By disconnected - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, we spent an entire day without being able to do work because our internet connection was down. Turns out, only the router had crashed and nobody bothered to reset it "to avoid doing further damage". FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I woke up to a flooded basement. That basement is my bedroom, so I'm completely surrounded by water. All I need is a tiger and this would be like The Life of Pi. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bloomington

Today, my mother locked me out of the house. Why? The dog and her needed some time to talk. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, a man pulled a knife on me just so he could mug me of the cigarette I was smoking. FML

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By dork - United States

Today, I was at dinner with my boyfriend and his family. We were talking about relationships, and I commented on how online dating was the dumbest thing ever. His mom and step-dad went on to tell me how they had met through an online dating service. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriends mom walked in on us having sex. She is partially blind so she couldn’t tell what was going on. She had a full conversation while he was still inside me. FML

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By Helpful Smile - United States - Davenport

Today, after my bosses excitedly told me I'm getting promoted to customer service at our grocery store, a customer called me an idiot in the parking lot for accidentally backing into the shopping cart she left in my blind spot. And so it begins. FML

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By surprise - United States - Starkville

Today, I wanted to surprise my roommate by picking her up from class with her dog. Her dog decided to surprise me by dumping a load on my passenger seat. FML

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By sad - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I was eating a fancy dinner with my girlfriend at a restaurant. Suddenly, my ex-girlfriend, who was seemingly still angry after our breakup 2 years ago, saw me through the window. She walked in, took my spaghetti dinner, shoved it in my face, and stormed out. FML

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By dumpyhair

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he, "just can't keep dating a girl with so many split ends." FML

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By Random Person - United States

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant downtown with my brother in-law when I told him I couldn't eat any more. He then told me, "You better, or you're walking home." He wasn't kidding. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 23:01 - Netherlands

Side effects

Today, I’ve been horny for weeks on end. Because I’m on antidepressants, I can’t orgasm, so the horniness won’t go away. The only thing I do is go to the gym, where literally EVERYONE seems fuckable. While I’m not depressed anymore, my vagina is. FML

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By sadmom - 18/3/2020 05:05

What are you doing here?

Today, I found out the man I have been dating is my son’s principal. I found out by having to pick my suspended son up from school. FML

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By fuck yuo - Canada - Saint John's

Today, my clumsiness has reached such legendary proportions in my family, that when I visited my grandparents, I found they'd put stickers all over their glass doors, so I wouldn't have "yet another painful accident". FML

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By why me - United States - Milford

Today, I bought a brand new Wii U. My cat must have thought the wires looked tasty because he chewed through each of them, which will now cost me another $100. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my fiancé of two years told me he was bored of me and he'd just prolonged the engagement to see if anyone more interesting would come along in the mean time. He was upset because no one did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I parked my car on the street to go to the gym. When I came back my car was blocked by a parade of people. I turned to a shop worker smoking a cigarette and said "Jesus! What the hell is going on?" I got many strange looks. It was a Good Friday parade lead by a local church. FML

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By CaoiiBieber - Ireland

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

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By Anonymous

Out and about

Today, my grandfather found my diary laying in the living room, and for some reason thought it was an interesting reading material. Oh well, he found out that I'm a lesbian, then panicked and basically outed me to my entire family. I really hope they have reservations in Hell. FML

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By sandra - United States

Today, I was working with some shelter puppies transporting them to the vet's. I got all of the puppies in but one, and when I went to pull him out, I realized he had gotten car sick. Before I could stop it happening, he wagged his vomit-covered tail and hit me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Apex

Today, while bussing at my restaurant job, I felt a cold, wet animal slither down my leg. I started shrieking loudly and dancing dementedly to get it off, and everyone in the restaurant turned to stare. Then I realized there was a hole in my pocket and some quarters had slid out down my leg. FML

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By MsAnonymous17 - United States

Today, my step-dad was talking about how he was raised in Las Vegas, telling stories about him and his buddies, until he stopped, looked right at my mom and said, "Find her, feed her, f*ck her, forget her. But I never forgot your mom, that's how I stole her from your dad." FML

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By bananna - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out our newborn snores worse than his father. FML

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By troublewithbleach - United States

Today, I was cleaning my bathroom, and accidentally spilled bleach, ruining my shower curtain, rugs, and towels. While attempting to wipe up the bleach, I knocked over a bottle of shower cleaner. It read, "WARNING: DO NOT MIX WITH BLEACH." I still can't go in the house. FML

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By motherdearest - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went sledding with my friends. I said I was tired and didn't want to go, but they press-ganged me into it. I ended up sledding right into a tree, fracturing my leg, and scraping up my entire face. FML

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By Undefined - France

Today, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. I look him straight in the eye and ask him: "What's the first thing you think about when you look at me?". His answer: "Can I finish my steak?" FML

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By anne - Canada

Today, my 20 year old son decided it would be funny to unbuckle my seat belt while the cops were right beside us. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I was told by my teacher that she had 'given up' teaching me because someone had told her I have a mental illness, and that I don't understand what she says. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for Easter, my brother and sister both got $200 gifts from my parents. I got a chocolate egg. I'm allergic to chocolate. FML

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By tb351 - United States

Today, I asked my kids if I looked good before going to work. Smiling, they told me I looked wonderful. It wasn't until I got to work and looked into the mirror until I noticed my left eyebrow was gone. FML

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By mummer11 - Ireland

Today, my mum staggered home, piss drunk. When I tried to walk her to her room, she shoved me away and cursed at me for being a "goody two-shoes". She then slurred "I fucked your mum", and informed me that my mum is a skank. That's good to know, mum. FML

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By - France

Today, my girlfriend confessed to me that she wants to dress me up with her clothes, with wig and makeup. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 02:02

Stay classy, bro

Today, my brother got sick with a stomach bug. He didn’t even quit his game to throw up in the toilet and instead threw up straight on the carpet. It sat there for hours. FML

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By mile high clubber - United States - Bensalem

Today, while on the airplane, the cute girl next to me and I instantly hit it off. When I excused myself to the bathroom, I must have given her the wrong impression. She wanted to join the mile high club; I just wanted to take a crap. FML

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Top comments

By rgri | 11

#5731912 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:28

I guess she can't use you as a reference.

By TwistedCherub1 | 15

#5731924 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:32

What people are into is their business and shouldn't disqualify them from any job UNTIL they involve your kid. Fire her and tell everyone you know.

COMMENTS

By rgri | 11

#5731912 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:28

I guess she can't use you as a reference.

Reply

184886837272837 | 32

#5732066 - Monday 28 October 2013 3:39

Can someone please tell me what a sex swing is? I don't know yet but I think I want one...

Reply

alshygirl | 14

#5732068 - Monday 28 October 2013 3:40

You could always google it

Reply

rgri | 11

#5732460 - Monday 28 October 2013 11:15

Google is your friend.

By Joedbag | 8

#5731914 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:28

Ewwww!

By CVTTRVN | 19

#5731918 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:30

What in the world is a sex swing??

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5731922 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:32

self explanatory. a swing to have sex on.

Reply

Michael903 | 18

#5731927 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:32

You'll have to Google it but it is just like the name implies.

Reply

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5731950 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:45

That's kind of amazing you've never heard of a sex swing. A ton of movies have them in 'em for comical purposes, not just the "movies" that'll show you how to use it..

Reply

Cazz91 | 21

#5732023 - Monday 28 October 2013 3:22

IMO, One of the best and fun inventions ever to spice up your intimate life with #3 (if you're into the swing that is).

Reply

flashback_fml | 14

#5732170 - Monday 28 October 2013 4:52

I'm surprised you of all people don't know what it is

Reply

SergeantSnuggles | 12

#5732173 - Monday 28 October 2013 4:54

I was wondering... the same thing. Ya learn something new everyday! Lmfao!

Reply

ptoka | 20

#5732206 - Monday 28 October 2013 5:11

Being one of the first commenters means nothing if your comment is so drab. Sometimes it doesn't hurt to google an item before posting such a question, and if you can't do that imagine it in your head... Odds are your own image will be cleaner than the actual.

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5733515 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 2:38

@31 Why not attach firework sprinklers to your head and run down the street yelling "LOOK AT ME"?

Reply

bigpops | 12

#5736152 - Thursday 31 October 2013 7:07

Why the negative votes for 31?

By rockne93 | 17

#5731920 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:31

This is just terrible

By olpally | 32

#5731923 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:32

Please tell me you fired her. That's just wrong.

Reply

xXxGraveStonexXx | 20

#5731944 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:41

It was at the babysitter's house..

Reply

Jessa91 | 10

#5731960 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:51

As you should :)

By TwistedCherub1 | 15

#5731924 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:32

What people are into is their business and shouldn't disqualify them from any job UNTIL they involve your kid. Fire her and tell everyone you know.

By sunnyray812 | 42

#5731931 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:36

That is beyond disgusting to let a child play on a sex swing. Highly inappropriate.

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5733516 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 2:39

Her husband must love the baby sitter though!

Reply

ottokat | 15

#5734426 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:44

not entirely sure what you're insinuating but im pretty sure it warrants a punch in the face

By ThatTennisKid14 | 13

#5731942 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:40

OP, I have to recommend that you find a new babysitter...

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5731949 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:45

no shit.

Reply

MrsDruidess | 23

#5732429 - Monday 28 October 2013 9:54

I recommend doing a little more digging into who you pick too! While I feel for you that your kid might remember this, I blame you OP for not knowing what kind of person is watching your son, and at least looking at the place you leave him at!

Reply

Katiekhalifa_fml | 28

#5733161 - Monday 28 October 2013 21:19

74 it very clearly says it's her daughter, not her son. Also, she's a child, she doesn't know the difference. To her it's just a swing.

By blackychan63 | 11

#5731948 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:44

Umm.. Report her.

Reply

caden_bro | 9

#5732055 - Monday 28 October 2013 3:34

To who?

Reply

TurquoiseJesus | 15

#5732120 - Monday 28 October 2013 4:18

To the president of the United States, obviously.

Reply

ottokat | 15

#5734444 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:46

Dear Mrs. Hslajrowkxnz,
I recieved your letter about the babysitter and, to say the least, am very disturbed. Please stop sending letters.
sincerely, Obama

By emilycb93 | 12

#5731962 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:54

That's a whole new level of disturbing. Report that girl, and start getting references for your new sitters.