Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while... - FML

By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:33 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

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Proactive

Great speech, thanks!

My body, my choice

By starbird - 23/2/2009 19:40 - United States

Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML

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By Christina - 5/12/2011 05:41 - Canada

Today, I noticed an old bell at the bar so I rang it. It turns out that when you ring the bell, you buy shots for the whole bar. FML

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By heathenhaha - 10/2/2017 20:21 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I became the center of attraction of my office floor after sending my resumé to my work Whatsapp group, asking them to share with their friends for job openings. My VP is owner of the group. FML

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By shopper242 - 22/11/2010 12:29 - France

Today, my boyfriend compared my orgasm to that of a beached sea turtle. He demonstrated what he meant in front of all our friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2018 19:00

Professional.

Today, my boss threatened to fire me for racism after I refused to hire a black woman. I didn't hire her because she came to the interview wearing what was basically a bikini and she was covered in tattoos depicting lewd sex acts. FML

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By katshay8 - 12/10/2018 17:30

Today, I went to the doctor for allergy testing. Apparently, one of my worst allergies is cats. I'm a "crazy cat lady" who loves anything cat-related and has 3 cats. Allergy shots, here I come. FML

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By laury - 9/5/2012 02:05 - Canada - Port Elgin

Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm. FML

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By ChaosFerret - 3/5/2016 20:53 - United States - Eugene

Today, I spent six hours making chicken and black bean chili for a big family gathering. I go to use the restroom. I come back to the pot on the floor with my cat standing in the chili, eating it. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 03:29 - Australia

Today, a customer complimented me on how good I looked for my age. She thought I was in my forties. I'm 18. FML

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By WelcomeWagon - 28/6/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, I unpacked in my new, non-air conditioned apartment wearing nothing but underwear, a tank top and an apron to stay cool. Later, I realized I'd crossed through the complex to my car and the dumpster many times, and arranged my deck overlooking the parking lot, without ever donning shorts. FML

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By henry feingold - 10/6/2011 04:08 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out in a motel room. Just before we really got started I noticed that I forgot to close the drapes. Once I got up to close them I saw 3 maids and the manager run away. FML

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By mandy_2480 - 19/2/2012 02:08 - China

Today, I had to stop my 26 year old fiancé from picking his nose and eating it like a little boy. Three times. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2013 06:29 - Canada - Calgary

Today, at a restaurant, I happily watched as my boyfriend of three years got down on his knees and proposed to me. Before I could say yes and hug him, a girl flung herself at him, kissed him and shouted, "Yes!" With us still highly confused, she then ran away. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2016 13:49 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I came out of the closet, after years of fear and shame, thanks to my mom making me to go to a church full of fundies my whole life. In the end, I was in tears. All I got was a frown and a "So? Want a medal or something?" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 02:35 - United States - Mascotte

Today, I found out you can get hemorrhoids during labor even if you have a c-section. FML

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By Foolish - 18/7/2016 06:51 - United States - Los Altos

Today, I decided to give my boyfriend one last chance at fixing our failing relationship. Instead of talking about how to fix our dying relationship, he decided to game all day and ignore me. FML

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By Spa Catholic - 10/6/2015 12:00 - United States - Taunton

Today, I saw a woman being mugged. I ran up to help and pushed the guy off of her. She then punched me in the face and called the cops because she was, "just living out a fantasy" and I'm, "a lunatic for trying to help." FML

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By brokeasscollegelife - 20/11/2015 21:25 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I biked to the store to buy a new lock, since biking is my only form of transportation. I left my bike unattended for the last time, only to come back with a new chain, but no bike. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2015 20:51 - United States

Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, I ran into my serious boyfriend of two years at a restaurant. He was sitting with another girl. I went over and asked him who she was. He replied, "Who are you?" Apparently I was the secret girlfriend. FML

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By cl512 - 18/9/2009 13:33 - United States

Today, I walked out of my college dorm to see that the intelligent person who locked their bike next to mine decided as an added security they would lock their bike to the rack, and to my bike. FML

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By blaze - 17/2/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a really sweet poem that he wrote for me. I think it was secondhand - the first letter of each verse spelled his ex girlfriend's name. FML

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By Juju Bear - 8/3/2016 11:54 - France - Paris

Today, my girlfriend woke up, and half-asleep, muttered: "What time is it? Did the neighbours start drilling again?" I'll try harder to keep my farts in from now on. FML

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By Broke Bitch - 5/5/2016 21:48 - United States - Albertville

Today, I went to buy some frozen yogurt. I filled up a cup and the cashier rung it up. The total price was $6.92. I only had $5 in my wallet. So I gave her the $5 bill and went to my car to get more money. Little did I know, there was no money in my car. So I drove off. Leaving the $5 behind. FML

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By ugly duckling - 6/8/2015 19:18 - United States - Reston

Today, feeling very self-conscious about my looks, I told my mom I felt ugly and wished I could be as beautiful as her. She only said, "Yeah, I'm pretty, I wonder what happened to you." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2010 14:36 - United States

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I though it was going to be an intervention. FML

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By tracey - 19/10/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for going 85mph in a 60mph zone on a highway in the Everglades. There were cars passing both the cop and me as I was being pulled over. The cop decided I was easiest to catch since I was the slowest of the bunch even though the other cars were topping 100mph. FML

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By dk_2k16 - 12/4/2016 20:29 - United States - Hattiesburg

Today, I went to take my permit test. I had been studying for months and was familiar with the whole book. When I sat down to take my test, I didn't recognize any of the questions. I went home and found out the book I used to study was the book my mom used to take her test in 1970. FML

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By TheyHaveMyAddress - 6/3/2014 05:52 - United States - Jackson

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a restaurant so I could apply for a job, and we decided to eat there. After we finished, I went to start the car. When we got home, I asked him how much the bill came to. Apparently he didn't pay. I had already given them my completed application. FML

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By unlucky dudebag - 29/1/2011 07:29 - United States

Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw and wearing hockey masks. FML

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By Noname - 3/2/2009 23:51 - United States

Today, while surfing facebook I noticed someone in my network had recently shifted his relationship status from undeclared to "single." We've been dating exclusively for nine months. FML

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By Mia - 12/12/2018 17:00 - India - Mumbai

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML

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By "lk07" - 27/10/2017 23:00 - United States - Midlothian

Today, after selling things on eBay all week to afford a nice weekend with my husband and kids, my car died. Now we have to spend the money on a battery. FML

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By Lilly - 30/10/2012 18:45 - United States

Today, my husband and I found out that our dog was pregnant. He now refuses to have kids with me for at least two years, because he wants to raise the puppies without any "distractions". FML

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By FailMan - 17/1/2009 13:15 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend, when she walked ahead of me cat-walk style, turned around and said, "Do you think I could model?" I blurted out, "Yes... for a plus-size clothing line." FML

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By Sith Dad - 5/9/2018 15:00

Today, I accompanied my daughter to her classmate's Disney Princess themed birthday party. Minutes in, the celebrant's mother kindly asked us to leave because my daughter was ruining the theme. How? She dressed up as Princess Leia. FML

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By indefiniteforest - 20/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my roommate was complaining about a headache, so I offered her some aspirin. She looked at me like I was stupid and said, "Uh... That stuff's only for heart attacks." I'm living with an idiot. FML

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By gedderdunn - 24/5/2010 06:13 - Reserved

Today, I went on a first date, where my date managed to fall in a creek, take me to his house and measure my height, show me family pictures, and perform the Soulja Boy dance in his living room. All while wearing swim trunks because his pants were drying and he didn't have extras. FML

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By KillMeNow - 9/6/2017 09:00 - United States - Houston

Today, my visiting mother-in-law announced she plans on moving to our state and living next door. When I said that's not going to happen, she chuckled and said, "It's happening, Kate." Kate is my husband's ex-girlfriend from 8 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I kissed my husband and said "I love you." Thats when our 5 year old son said to my husband "How can you love her so much if she's so ugly?" FML

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Top comments

By rgri | 11

#5731912 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:28

I guess she can't use you as a reference.

By TwistedCherub1 | 15

#5731924 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:32

What people are into is their business and shouldn't disqualify them from any job UNTIL they involve your kid. Fire her and tell everyone you know.

COMMENTS

By rgri | 11

#5731912 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:28

I guess she can't use you as a reference.

Reply

184886837272837 | 32

#5732066 - Monday 28 October 2013 3:39

Can someone please tell me what a sex swing is? I don't know yet but I think I want one...

Reply

alshygirl | 14

#5732068 - Monday 28 October 2013 3:40

You could always google it

Reply

rgri | 11

#5732460 - Monday 28 October 2013 11:15

Google is your friend.

By Joedbag | 8

#5731914 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:28

Ewwww!

By CVTTRVN | 19

#5731918 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:30

What in the world is a sex swing??

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5731922 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:32

self explanatory. a swing to have sex on.

Reply

Michael903 | 18

#5731927 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:32

You'll have to Google it but it is just like the name implies.

Reply

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5731950 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:45

That's kind of amazing you've never heard of a sex swing. A ton of movies have them in 'em for comical purposes, not just the "movies" that'll show you how to use it..

Reply

Cazz91 | 21

#5732023 - Monday 28 October 2013 3:22

IMO, One of the best and fun inventions ever to spice up your intimate life with #3 (if you're into the swing that is).

Reply

flashback_fml | 14

#5732170 - Monday 28 October 2013 4:52

I'm surprised you of all people don't know what it is

Reply

SergeantSnuggles | 12

#5732173 - Monday 28 October 2013 4:54

I was wondering... the same thing. Ya learn something new everyday! Lmfao!

Reply

ptoka | 20

#5732206 - Monday 28 October 2013 5:11

Being one of the first commenters means nothing if your comment is so drab. Sometimes it doesn't hurt to google an item before posting such a question, and if you can't do that imagine it in your head... Odds are your own image will be cleaner than the actual.

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5733515 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 2:38

@31 Why not attach firework sprinklers to your head and run down the street yelling "LOOK AT ME"?

Reply

bigpops | 12

#5736152 - Thursday 31 October 2013 7:07

Why the negative votes for 31?

By rockne93 | 17

#5731920 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:31

This is just terrible

By olpally | 32

#5731923 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:32

Please tell me you fired her. That's just wrong.

Reply

xXxGraveStonexXx | 20

#5731944 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:41

It was at the babysitter's house..

Reply

Jessa91 | 10

#5731960 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:51

As you should :)

By TwistedCherub1 | 15

#5731924 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:32

What people are into is their business and shouldn't disqualify them from any job UNTIL they involve your kid. Fire her and tell everyone you know.

By sunnyray812 | 42

#5731931 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:36

That is beyond disgusting to let a child play on a sex swing. Highly inappropriate.

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5733516 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 2:39

Her husband must love the baby sitter though!

Reply

ottokat | 15

#5734426 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:44

not entirely sure what you're insinuating but im pretty sure it warrants a punch in the face

By ThatTennisKid14 | 13

#5731942 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:40

OP, I have to recommend that you find a new babysitter...

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5731949 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:45

no shit.

Reply

MrsDruidess | 23

#5732429 - Monday 28 October 2013 9:54

I recommend doing a little more digging into who you pick too! While I feel for you that your kid might remember this, I blame you OP for not knowing what kind of person is watching your son, and at least looking at the place you leave him at!

Reply

Katiekhalifa_fml | 28

#5733161 - Monday 28 October 2013 21:19

74 it very clearly says it's her daughter, not her son. Also, she's a child, she doesn't know the difference. To her it's just a swing.

By blackychan63 | 11

#5731948 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:44

Umm.. Report her.

Reply

caden_bro | 9

#5732055 - Monday 28 October 2013 3:34

To who?

Reply

TurquoiseJesus | 15

#5732120 - Monday 28 October 2013 4:18

To the president of the United States, obviously.

Reply

ottokat | 15

#5734444 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:46

Dear Mrs. Hslajrowkxnz,
I recieved your letter about the babysitter and, to say the least, am very disturbed. Please stop sending letters.
sincerely, Obama

By emilycb93 | 12

#5731962 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:54

That's a whole new level of disturbing. Report that girl, and start getting references for your new sitters.