Kids: Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Tulsa

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

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Serious times

No justice

People are people

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed that someone smeared "wash me" into the grime of my car. I decided to take it to get a wash. I pulled up, put my vehicle in neutral, and kicked back as it slowly started to move. You never realize how long it takes a sun roof to close until water is dumping on your head. FML

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Long thought

Today, I was on the toilet and jumped when I saw a face at the window. It was my own reflection. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went on our 2nd date. We decided to get to know each other with a game. I asked him what makes him nervous. He said "talking to really attractive girls." I then asked him if I was making him nervous. He said no. FML

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By teaspoonzz

Today, I walked into the ladies' bathroom to find my male boss taking a dump with the stall door wide open. FML

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By neveragain - Canada

Today, I gave in and let my friend give me a makeover. She couldn't find my eyelash curler, but decided that if she used scissors lightly, it would work just the same. Needless to say, it did not work. FML

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By phishy - United States - Georgetown

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand the man due to his incoherent mumbling. I had to decline the job after asking him to repeat everything he said, over and over again. I still don't know exactly which job I declined. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I dozed off during a lecture. When I woke up, I didn't recognize any of the people surrounding me, and I saw one guy pointing and laughing at me. It turns out, my professor instructed everyone to let me sleep because he wanted to see how long it would be before I woke up. I was asleep three hours. FML

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By izzy46111 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

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By lexii - United States

Today, while trying to kill a spider in my kitchen, I thought it would be wise to throw a bottle at it. The bottle hit the wall, bounced off the fridge and hit me in the face. The lucky spider crawled away, and is surely still laughing somewhere. FML

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By soupcrackers - 7/10/2020 04:57

Persona non grata

Today, I spoke to Friend A and Friend B, with whom I'd had arguments with in the past. Those arguments caused me to leave a group chat. When I want to settle things with Friend B, they told me, "Don't come back to the group chat. It'll make everyone happier if you stay out." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Gerald

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship." We're supposed to get married in a month. FML

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By agstone

Today, at 2:47 am, my mom woke me up in a panic screaming about smelling gas and the house blowing up. Twenty minutes, two fire trucks, and a traumatized dog later, it was just the neighbors burning their mail. FML

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By Eve - Ireland

Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML

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By dollybabe - Ireland

Today, I dressed up, went over to my boyfriend and told him he could do anything he wanted. He said nothing and walked outside. I figured he'd come back in shortly, but when I looked out the window a few minutes later, he was building a snowman. FML

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By Katrina - United States

Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML

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By Long sufferer - 21/2/2021 02:01

Marriage going well is it?

Today, at 5:30 a.m., my wife woke me to order milk for our business because she forgot to do so last night. She then chewed me out for doing it there and then, waking her up. I'm apparently useless, always complaining and in a bad mood about the most mundane things. What? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were telling eachother secrets and I told him i've shaved my upper lip. He said "I know, it's prickly when we make out." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove my new car with a manual transmission for the first time by myself. I was at a stoplight and saw a cute guy in the car next to me. He looked my way and gave me "the nod". The light turned green and I tried to go but I stalled out, lurching my car forward right into the car next to me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I needed to call my mom to get some info so I dialled the number on my work phone. Not 2 seconds after, my cellphone rang. I got super pissed off because I hate when people call me on my cell at work. It was me. I'd dialled my own number. FML

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By go fish

Today, my boyfriend gently pointed out that when we hug, it's our stomachs that touch first. FML

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By fml9124 - 1/3/2021 02:00

Animal lover

Today, my 14 year-old daughter threatened to run away. Why? We live in southern Arizona. In the last week, she's found a dead tarantula and a live scorpion in her bedroom. In a couple of weeks it will be rattlesnake season. She's not liking the desert much anymore, where even the plants want to hurt you. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend got scared of a fly, freaked out, and accidentally punched me in the face. FML

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By dragos_dgt - Romania

Today, at work, my boss stared at me from behind while I made hand gestures and noises at a toaster. I was pretending to be Magneto. FML

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By EPICfml. - United States

Today, my dad woke me up at 6 told me to take a shower and drove me to school only to say "just kidding, happy snowday!" FML

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By The captain - Canada

Today, I found out what it's like to get brain-freeze while recovering from a head injury. FML

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By Chan - United States

Today, I was holding my son and smelled poop so I checked his diaper, but there was nothing there. Then I realized it was my breath. FML

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By ms piggy - United States

Today, stepping on a scale for the first time in years, I had to lift up my stomach to see the number. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, during a silent breathing meditation at the Buddhist center, I accidentally let one rip which echoed through the meditation chamber. If that wasn't bad enough, the follow-up odor was enough to fell a charging rhinoceros. FML

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By oooooopss - United States - Portland

Today, I got into my car and it wouldn't start. I noticed I had left the lights on and assumed the battery was dead. Then, I couldn't get my key out of the ignition. So, I called AAA only to have the guy put my car in park and start the engine. FML

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By Anonyme - Switzerland

Today, my girlfriend bought several packs of bottled water, even though we have pure mountain water on tap. She did this because the pile-up of unwashed dishes in the sink makes it virtually impossible to slide a glass under the tap. FML

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By Foreigner - Jersey

Today, I was having a great time shopping with my gran, until she started complaining about all the foreigners ruining our town, and counting each person who didn't look 100% British. It wouldn't even have been so bad if I wasn't adopted into the family, from Russia. FML

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By huskynick - 18/6/2020 05:05

Kinky

Today, it's been two days and my girlfriend still won't talk to me. Why? Because she made out with a mutual friend at a party, and got mad at me for thinking it was hot rather than being jealous. FML

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By psychedout - United States

Today, a patient was late for a psychiatry appointment, after having missed his previous two. I am the medical student on the team that was supposed to do his assessment. I said, "You snooze, you lose." Everyone stopped and looked at me. Apparently, he missed them because he has narcolepsy. FML

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By Ser17 - United States

Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, at the hospital I work at, I had to deliver my best friend's baby. I later found out that my ex boyfriend was the father. Normally this wouldn't faze me, but it did because we broke up last month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was given a call home, a 3-day-suspension, and a week of detention in school for a "serious violation of the code of conduct." Said violation? Jogging in the middle of the hall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my recently divorced mother's new boyfriend. He is missing teeth and has long hair and a mangy beard. Horrified, I left the room, only to hear my mother telling my sister, "The sex is phenomenal!" FML

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By HttpsHaileyy - United States

Today, I insulted my younger sister's hamster. She then smashed me with a stool. FML

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By imeanreallytho - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom at work. The lock on the stall door broke, and I couldn't open it. I was all alone and I started having a mini panic attack. After several minutes of frantically trying to fix the lock and hyperventilating, I realized I could just crawl under the door. FML

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By Bob smith - Australia

Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML

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Top comments

By rgri | 11

#5731912 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:28

I guess she can't use you as a reference.

By TwistedCherub1 | 15

#5731924 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:32

What people are into is their business and shouldn't disqualify them from any job UNTIL they involve your kid. Fire her and tell everyone you know.

COMMENTS

By rgri | 11

#5731912 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:28

I guess she can't use you as a reference.

Reply

184886837272837 | 32

#5732066 - Monday 28 October 2013 3:39

Can someone please tell me what a sex swing is? I don't know yet but I think I want one...

Reply

alshygirl | 14

#5732068 - Monday 28 October 2013 3:40

You could always google it

Reply

rgri | 11

#5732460 - Monday 28 October 2013 11:15

Google is your friend.

By Joedbag | 8

#5731914 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:28

Ewwww!

By CVTTRVN | 19

#5731918 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:30

What in the world is a sex swing??

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5731922 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:32

self explanatory. a swing to have sex on.

Reply

Michael903 | 18

#5731927 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:32

You'll have to Google it but it is just like the name implies.

Reply

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5731950 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:45

That's kind of amazing you've never heard of a sex swing. A ton of movies have them in 'em for comical purposes, not just the "movies" that'll show you how to use it..

Reply

Cazz91 | 21

#5732023 - Monday 28 October 2013 3:22

IMO, One of the best and fun inventions ever to spice up your intimate life with #3 (if you're into the swing that is).

Reply

flashback_fml | 14

#5732170 - Monday 28 October 2013 4:52

I'm surprised you of all people don't know what it is

Reply

SergeantSnuggles | 12

#5732173 - Monday 28 October 2013 4:54

I was wondering... the same thing. Ya learn something new everyday! Lmfao!

Reply

ptoka | 20

#5732206 - Monday 28 October 2013 5:11

Being one of the first commenters means nothing if your comment is so drab. Sometimes it doesn't hurt to google an item before posting such a question, and if you can't do that imagine it in your head... Odds are your own image will be cleaner than the actual.

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5733515 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 2:38

@31 Why not attach firework sprinklers to your head and run down the street yelling "LOOK AT ME"?

Reply

bigpops | 12

#5736152 - Thursday 31 October 2013 7:07

Why the negative votes for 31?

By rockne93 | 17

#5731920 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:31

This is just terrible

By olpally | 32

#5731923 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:32

Please tell me you fired her. That's just wrong.

Reply

xXxGraveStonexXx | 20

#5731944 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:41

It was at the babysitter's house..

Reply

Jessa91 | 10

#5731960 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:51

As you should :)

By TwistedCherub1 | 15

#5731924 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:32

What people are into is their business and shouldn't disqualify them from any job UNTIL they involve your kid. Fire her and tell everyone you know.

By sunnyray812 | 42

#5731931 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:36

That is beyond disgusting to let a child play on a sex swing. Highly inappropriate.

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5733516 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 2:39

Her husband must love the baby sitter though!

Reply

ottokat | 15

#5734426 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:44

not entirely sure what you're insinuating but im pretty sure it warrants a punch in the face

By ThatTennisKid14 | 13

#5731942 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:40

OP, I have to recommend that you find a new babysitter...

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5731949 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:45

no shit.

Reply

MrsDruidess | 23

#5732429 - Monday 28 October 2013 9:54

I recommend doing a little more digging into who you pick too! While I feel for you that your kid might remember this, I blame you OP for not knowing what kind of person is watching your son, and at least looking at the place you leave him at!

Reply

Katiekhalifa_fml | 28

#5733161 - Monday 28 October 2013 21:19

74 it very clearly says it's her daughter, not her son. Also, she's a child, she doesn't know the difference. To her it's just a swing.

By blackychan63 | 12

#5731948 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:44

Umm.. Report her.

Reply

caden_bro | 9

#5732055 - Monday 28 October 2013 3:34

To who?

Reply

TurquoiseJesus | 15

#5732120 - Monday 28 October 2013 4:18

To the president of the United States, obviously.

Reply

ottokat | 15

#5734444 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:46

Dear Mrs. Hslajrowkxnz,
I recieved your letter about the babysitter and, to say the least, am very disturbed. Please stop sending letters.
sincerely, Obama

By emilycb93 | 12

#5731962 - Monday 28 October 2013 2:54

That's a whole new level of disturbing. Report that girl, and start getting references for your new sitters.