Miscellaneous: Today, I bought How To Train Your Dragon and the cashier started... - FML

By MDoremis - United States - Honolulu

Today, I bought How To Train Your Dragon and the cashier started complaining how her kids keep demanding dragon stuff and that mine will start after they see the movie. I don't have any kids, and I didn't have the courage to tell her I was buying it for myself. FML

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Freak out

Packaging

Alternative medicine is bull

By ThatNewCarSmell - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I held my bag of burger and fries out the window while driving, to preserve that new car smell. Not only did I hit a pothole and lose my lunch, I got pulled over by a cop who suspected I was either littering or tossing drugs when I saw him. FML

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By nocatlover - United States

Today, I woke up to the news that my son had put the cat in the dryer the night before. He didn't turn it on, and the cat is just fine, but now I need a new dryer so my clothes won't smell like cat urine. FML

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By NotSpiderman - United States - Edinburg

Today, I discovered a brown recluse spider in my house. Before I could smash it, it escaped under the door. Now I'm freaked out and wearing boots and gloves, clutching at my kittens and waiting for it to appear. My dad laughs everytime he walks past. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband misheard me when I said I wanted a massage with sensual oils. He used essential oils instead. Essential oils are not meant to be used on the skin, trust me. My skin looks like a cross between sandpaper and pus-filled bubble wrap. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the guy I like asked me out for the first time. It's a good thing he did it over Facebook, because I started shaking and almost threw up. I don't know how I'm going to function on our date next week. FML

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By Alex - 18/7/2021 13:59 - United States - Colorado Springs

You're in the army. Now.

Today, somebody stole approximately 2000$ worth of army gear from me, which I have to pay for because my leadership didn't care about replacing my room key. My leadership is going to blame me for it in the end, and treat me worse because of it. FML

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By alyssac11 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has a YouTube channel devoted to taking the camera out whenever he has to fart. FML

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By webcammistake - United States

Today, I was on a webcam with my friend. We were joking around so I stood up and flashed her. Her grandma choose that second to walk past and look at the screen. Her grandma now thinks were lesbians and that I'm a whore. FML

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By GodMemory_AbsentMind

Today, when paying for gas, I realized I'd forgotten my wallet back home. After a moment of panic, I managed to remember my card number. I paid, blowing the cute cashier's mind, and drove away, before my car started sputtering and slowed to a crawl. I'd used the wrong fuel. FML

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By RingofFire - United States - Edenville

Today, I was standing on the patio when one of my upstairs neighbors threw a cigarette butt over the balcony. It landed on my head and burned some of my hair. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

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By sammy - Australia

Not now, dude!

Today, I was working at the checkout. Trying to be hygienic, I suppressed a sneeze. I continued to serve the next person. As I was giving her her change, she looked at me with a horrified expression. I looked down and my shirt was covered in a trail of snot all the way to my belt. FML

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By Mateo - France

Today, I surprise my girlfriend by turning up at her flat on her twenty-fourth birthday. She gets up from the couch as I enter and I shout: "Tonight, my cock is going to stab you twenty-four times!" (Okay, that's not smart). That's when her father glances over from the couch and greets me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, a wasp ended up in the house. Normally, I'd just open a door to outside and run for cover, but my 3-year-old son was home, so I decided to be brave and kill it. It flew into the air vents. We're now playing wasp roulette every time we enter a room. FML

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By uh-oh - United States

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML

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By Anonymous - India - Mumbai

Today, I threw a punch at my sensei like he told me to, except he failed to block it like he assured me he would. Now I'm banned from his classes and I'm pretty sure he's going to get the police involved. FML

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By fuck you, tasha - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I went out to dinner with my boyfriend and his mom. The hostess asked if I needed "the kid's menu," remarked how I look "so grown up for your age," and asked what grade I was in. I said I'm in university. She laughed as if it was the best joke ever told. I'm 22. FML

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By naas1201

It's not working

Today, and since the beginning of our couples therapy, my wife and I don't do it anymore. FML

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By Broguy - Canada

Today, I called my phone company to get some answers about my phone bill. I was okay with being put on hold. In fact, I was on hold for so long, that the music stopped playing. When someone finally answered they told me to call back tomorrow. All my phones disconnected an hour later. FML

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By dedeanne08 - United States - Newark

Today, I received some new snow boots I had ordered online. When I opened the package there was only one boot in the box. FML

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By SoGoodAtLife - Canada - Toronto

Today, I gave my boss a ride home from work. I had my phone on hands-free mode, so all calls would come through on speaker. I got a call from the new job I was applying at, with my boss listening to each word. FML

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By Chakkamofo - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card saying "You made it to 36!". It's my 35th birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Antioch

Today, I overheard my mom complaining to her friends about her uncontrollable queefing problem. Excuse me while I find a therapist. FML

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By sonwhy - United States - Brookfield

Today, I found out that my son set up a telescope in the attic not so he could study astronomy like he told me, but so he could spy on the girl across the street. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my daughter lighting candles around one of her friends, who'd fallen asleep while her other friends chanted something in a different language. They still won't tell me what they were doing. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - K?ln

Today, my husband showed up late to my mother's funeral. He swaggered in, happily finishing off a half-eaten taco. His excuse for why he was so cheerful: "She was an in-law, honey." Good to know I married a piece of shit in disguise. FML

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By CorpseBride - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boyfriend asked me to talk dirty in bed for him, and my brain went blank and I panicked. I couldn't think of what to say so I suddenly blurted out, "Do whatever you want with my body. Treat it like a corpse!" He laughed his head off and I died a little inside. FML

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By joyness - Taiwan - Taipei

Today, I was sleeping on an airplane. I dreamed that I was running my hands up and down my friend's leg sexually to creep him out. I woke up and I realized that I was running my hand up and down the leg of the old man sitting next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, my religious girlfriend convinced me to let her take my virginity. A few hours later, she broke up with me, crying and saying I was going to hell for having sex before marriage. But apparently she isn't, and she can't be with someone who "tempts" her. FML

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By dragonstooth257

Today, my child is so super clingy and needy, I have to sit and watch her bounce on the trampoline attentatively or else face hours and hours of whining. She's like the Screamapillar from the Simpsons. FML

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By Bob - United States - Fairbanks

Today, a judge gave my ex custody of my two sons, most of my money, my house, my car, and has ordered me to take anger management classes. We're getting a divorce because she shot me with a gun. FML

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By cantstoplaughing - United States

Today, I was working on my family genealogy. I found out that my best friend's great-grandfather murdered my great-grandfather. FML

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By framed - United States - Portsmouth

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

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By kaileekat517 - United States

Today, instead of going to a romantic dinner with my boyfriend like I'd planned, I ended up babysitting his queasy little sister. FML

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By bablessinbedsty

Today, I announced to my fiance that I was pregnant with twins. He immediately called off the engagement, furious at me because we "agreed to only have one child". Sorry my embryo decided to split in two. FML

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By Anonymous - Nepal

Today, I texted my ex boyfriend that I still loved him. He texted back asking if this was some sort of booty call. FML

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By Anonymous

Noise annoys

Today, my little brother got a violin. FML

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By yelyah - United States - Tolono

Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through airport security with a pocket knife in her backpack. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2020 20:06 - United States - Orange

For the union makes us strong

Today, I found out that the owner of my workplace hasn't been paying any of the bills and that all 10 people on my crew and I will be losing our jobs in a matter of days. FML

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Top comments

By rieebee | 23

#6212405 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 14:42

Dragons are awesome, who cares what others think.

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6212411 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 14:47

Hopefully you didn't get so nervous that you started to Hiccup.

Of course if a guy ever laughed at me for liking kid movies then he would become Toothless.

COMMENTS

By rieebee | 23

#6212405 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 14:42

Dragons are awesome, who cares what others think.

Reply

Noelletakumi | 36

#6212442 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 15:08

That movie is one of my all time favorites. Who gives a shit what the cashier thinks.

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6212450 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 15:13

Fun fact: it took DreamWorks 90 million hours total to render HTTYD2! (source: Intel) That's over 10000 years. Divided among thousands of machines, of course.

Reply

IceMan11 | 23

#6212452 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 15:15

I feel sorry for anyone that hasn't seen it.

Reply

JMichael | 25

#6212453 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 15:15

Yea who cares OP! I personally love the movie

Reply

LeashaJoy5595 | 28

#6213397 - Wednesday 25 February 2015 7:32

Especially Toothless! I asked my boyfriend a bunch of times to find me a dragon like Toothless. He's just so cute! Totally not just for kids, pffft.

By DonPandon | 15

#6212407 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 14:45

Even if you had told her, she needed someone to complain with...

By A07 | 48

#6212410 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 14:46

Stiff upper lip OP, that movie was awesome.

Reply

BlindlyWandering | 17

#6212589 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 17:27

The movie was awesome, the book was too. The book was totally different though.

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6212411 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 14:47

Hopefully you didn't get so nervous that you started to Hiccup.

Of course if a guy ever laughed at me for liking kid movies then he would become Toothless.

Reply

Miss_Chevious | 37

#6212651 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 18:38

and then you would release your night's fury upon that person

By llamarrama01 | 21

#6212412 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 14:47

No shame it it. I'm 19 and still enjoy aristocats and Oliver and Company.

Reply

LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6212565 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 17:04

Why Should I Worry? Why Should I Care? It's Just Bebopulation
And I Got Street Saviore Faire.

Reply

llamarrama01 | 21

#6212647 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 18:33

The rhythm of the city
But once you get it down
Then you can own this town
You can wear the crown!

Reply

LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6212757 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 19:37

Why should I worry?
Why should I care?
I may not have a dime
But I got street savoire faire

By Cass_x | 22

#6212413 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 14:48

No kid should be demanding anything. How about she teaches them manners?

By ihartmytdi | 23

#6212416 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 14:51

Never grow up! Listen to Admiral Ackbar! It's a trap!

By BrittanyChayanne | 14

#6212417 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 14:52

Hey, I still collect (unnecessary) amounts of Dragon stuff and I'm 19. Nothing wrong with liking something!

By molzipan | 16

#6212418 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 14:52

If it makes you feel any better op I'm turning 24 soon and have the Toothless doll from build a bear. An awesome thing about being an adult is being able to make childish decisions.

Reply

BrittanyChayanne | 14

#6212422 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 14:55

That bear is freaking bad ass, I added a roar sound to mine

Reply

molzipan | 16

#6212793 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 20:17

I also put him in the Toothless hoodie. No regrets.

By aylind | 18

#6212421 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 14:53

Don't be embarrassed. Animated movies are wonderful and whoever tells you otherwise can just walk away.