Miscellaneous: Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts...

By mistickfae - 29/10/2012 18:42 - United States

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 863

You deserved it 2 243

Miscellaneous

Compromises

Sandwiches rule

Don't be an asshole

By whoops - 11/04/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, I was on my way home from work and decided to stop at the grocery store. I purchased $200 in groceries and went to put them in my car. I then realized I drove my motorcycle today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 380

You deserved it 88 656

By Anonymous - 21/01/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I hit a dead deer that had been left in the middle of the road. My car started to make a funny noise and smell, so I pulled over to check it, thinking I blew the tire on some antlers. The deer got stuck in my front wheel, and I'd dragged it more than a mile. And it wasn't actually dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 048

You deserved it 46 090

By dinapar - 14/07/2009 14:02 - Canada

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend watching a movie, my boyfriend then leans in and says: "You know, you're my favourite girlfriend." I then jokingly responded by saying: "You say that like I'm not the only girlfriend you have right now." I hate being right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 872

You deserved it 4 951

By Anonymous - 05/01/2017 11:20

Today, I found out what rotten cooked potato both smells and tastes like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 721

You deserved it 1 838

By Hank - 14/05/2009 14:17 - Canada

Today, I scored two prime baseball tickets from a supplier at work. I phoned my dad to tell him the good news. He said that's great, my brother and him would love to see the game. I said, no, I'm taking you to the game. He told me I was being selfish and hung up the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 633

You deserved it 3 056

Germaphobe

By AFSDALK:AFSDQWE - 23/11/2013 18:33 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my boss made me cover for him by working two extra hours, because he had to rush home early to deal with an "emergency". The emergency was taking a shit, because he claims to have a phobia of doing them anywhere but at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 001

You deserved it 3 773

By Notthatone - 21/04/2015 23:00 - United States - Madison

Today, I came out as bisexual to my 17-year-old sister. She was quiet for a second, then told me she knows for sure I only have "girl parts". I had to explain to her the difference between being bi and being a hermaphrodite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 363

You deserved it 4 000

By Anonymous - 12/01/2013 08:14 - United States - Mansfield

Today, my wife brought my 5-year-old daughter to visit me at the office. My boss has a speech impediment, and when she heard it, she exclaimed, "Hey my daddy can sound just like you! Show him daddy! Show him!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 023

You deserved it 44 147

By Overflow - 16/08/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I was desperate to teach my 2-year old to use her potty. I had to pee, and thought maybe she would learn by watching me use it. Everything was going well, until I realized that I had a long pee. So long that it overfilled her potty all over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 229

You deserved it 63 007

By KMKWEEN - 16/02/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was at work. I work at a grocery store and a woman pulls a cart to me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her "Looks like you are going to have a fun party" she then looks at me and says "My mother just died, this is for after the funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 842

You deserved it 10 639

By LALALA3 - 16/02/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, I finally gave the guy I was with for over a year a blowjob. Right after he tells me "I don't want a girlfriend but I want you to be my best friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 791

You deserved it 9 983

By fmylife117 - 17/02/2011 18:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend renamed all the contacts in my phone to see if I'd notice. Thanks to him, I've been sending dirty texts to my boss. The worst part is my boss was responding back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 221

You deserved it 6 117

By =( - 05/04/2014 17:48 - United States - Houston

Today, I had to tell my ex that I'm pregnant with his baby. I sent him a casual "Hey :)" text to try to ease into things. He replied, "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?" and ended up threatening to make my life hell if I don't tell my new boyfriend that the child is his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 658

You deserved it 14 380

By Shodan2112 - 18/02/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, as I go to a small private Christian college, the academic dean came up to me and asked me to put some old records on CD, since I have a record player that can do that. I had to listen to eight records of old students from the 1970's singing bible thumper Christian hippie music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 976

You deserved it 9 610

By broke_kid - 03/01/2010 13:18 - United States

Today, I noticed white stuff in my colored clothes as I transferred them from the washer to the dryer. That's when I realized that the white stuff is my paycheck which I had put in my pants earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 087

You deserved it 14 968

By LennyLemon - 25/08/2016 13:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was taking a shower in a hostel when the girl in the cubicle next to mine decided to blow her nose onto the shower floor. The water from her cubicle was flowing into mine and I ended up standing in a puddle of fresh watery snot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 940

You deserved it 1 062

So no one told you life was gonna be this way…

By Alexxicks - 05/03/2020 12:02

Today, I was asked a security question by my bank's app when I tried using it after a year. After two to three wrong attempts, I got it correct with the answer, "Myself." The question was, "Who was your childhood friend?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 372

You deserved it 244

By birdbath - 08/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I ran into a bird. Not with my car, with my face. It was so scared, it crapped all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 819

You deserved it 3 620

By nah - 09/09/2015 19:55 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I started my period. Every time I try to open a tampon, my dog goes crazy thinking it's one of his treats. Now I have to open them with my hair dryer on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 312

You deserved it 2 925

By Anonymous - 30/07/2011 02:10 - United States

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 318

You deserved it 18 619

By anonymous - 23/04/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, my grandma and I were watching the Ranger's playoff game. As Henrik Lundqvist received a standing ovation from the crowd after blocking 38 shots, she says to me, "Check out his equipment!" My 80-year old grandma just commented on Henrik Lundqvist's package. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 193

You deserved it 4 944

By kmang33 - 02/04/2010 11:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that I think too much during sex. Now the only thing I can think about is how much I'm thinking too much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 957

You deserved it 7 037

By Hollywoodanonymous - 31/10/2011 06:57 - United States

Today, I had a relaxing night watching movies with my room-mates. Everyone but I had a girl over to lie with during the movie. The closest I got all night was the multiple times my room-mate's dog tried to mount me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 503

You deserved it 3 905

By Anonymous - 28/03/2014 22:05 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I had to calm my rather gullible boyfriend down and reassure him that the email he got, telling him that he has AIDS, was just a scam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 607

You deserved it 4 353

Wrong, just wrong

By Anonymous - 02/07/2017 10:00 - China - Chengdu

Today, while licking maple syrup off my wife during foreplay, I probably shouldn't have referred to her breasts as pancakes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 654

You deserved it 7 157

By Ren - 28/12/2012 07:49 - United States - Medina

Today, I went shopping. At the counter, the cashier started flirting with me and asked me for my number. He was cute, so I gave it to him. After walking out of the store, I got a text that said, "I didn't want to say it out loud, but your pants are unzipped." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 185

You deserved it 5 632

By ssjfml - 11/08/2015 14:56 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, while enjoying the nice weather in a park, I opened my eyes to the sight of some guy jacking off, half-hidden behind a tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 207

You deserved it 1 975

Goddamn safety regulations!

By Anonymous - 28/09/2021 02:00 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, my partner and I went to the inspection of a house we wanted to buy. The whole roof was illegal. This is the second time our realtor has shown us a house with major issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 84

By aziraphaleelle - 18/03/2014 08:10 - United States - San Jose

Today, I had to wave my arms like a maniac as I sat on the toilet at work, otherwise the faulty motion sensor/timer would turn the lights off after about ten seconds. I've had to do this for several days now. No one else has reported this problem, so management won't get it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 077

You deserved it 4 346

By Anonymous - 10/09/2017 00:00 - Australia - Coogee

Today, while holidaying in Greece, I approached a cute girl in a club and offered her a drink in Greek. She said, "No Greek!" and then called me an "ugly kiss-ass" in English, thinking I wouldn't understand. I'm Australian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 967

You deserved it 388

By Anonymous - 24/08/2018 18:30

Today, in front of our family reunion, my daughter accused me of being a racist because I won't let her date a black man. I do not have a racist bone in my body; this man is an actual gang member and he has killed people before. Nobody believes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 904

You deserved it 187

By Anonymous - 01/02/2011 02:39 - United States

Today, I politely complimented a stranger's excellent posture. She responded by saying "I have a metal rod in my back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 509

You deserved it 7 170

By Anonymous - 06/02/2011 17:53 - United States

Today, while waiting on a customer at a restaurant, I accidentally asked a midget if she'd like a children's menu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 724

You deserved it 30 491

Stuck

By Anonymous - 13/01/2021 23:00 - United States

Today, while on my way to deliver aluminum to a customer on top of a really steep hill, there wasn't enough room to do a U-turn without clipping a vehicle. I had to go through some mud, so now the company semi is bumper-deep in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 698

You deserved it 153

By trippy - 24/06/2019 20:01

Today, my mom tripped over a curb and cried, because she “tripped and not even drunk.” I thought it was normal to trip over my own two feet several times a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 320

You deserved it 204

By aoliver03 - 11/09/2018 18:30

Today, I spilled my guts out to my fiancé about some insecurities I've been having. I then turned to look at him through tears at his expressionless face as he texted someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 121

You deserved it 301

By Sawarski - 07/01/2013 20:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 591

You deserved it 3 282

Fight Club for Dummies

By Jeff - 23/05/2019 22:21

Today, my boyfriend and I were play fighting. He said, "I should stop trying to hurt you," before punching me in the face. I lost a tooth. He found it hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 909

You deserved it 244

By Mick_The_Disappointment - 11/12/2018 15:30

Today, my mother once again called me to remind me what a disappointment I am despite having two degrees, a house, a professional job and having never been unemployed at 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 099

You deserved it 176

By cl4ptp - 14/08/2012 12:17 - United Kingdom - Barry

Today, after sex, my boyfriend and I lay in bed for a couple of hours just chatting. This would have been lovely. However, his topic of choice for post-coital pillow talk was his theory about how Chewbacca is secretly the leader of the Rebel Alliance. It actually made sense. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 095

You deserved it 7 644

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Top comments

stary1722 6

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Monday 29 October 2012 23:40

At least acne is good for something!

TheFirstSamurai 18

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:26

I really thought this FML, was going to end with "they were just real warts".

domking1315 20

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Monday 29 October 2012 23:40

At least they go well with your costume! Dont worry. It might fade with time.

ruabadfishtoo 0

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:17

Pimples do go away but some leave scars and trust me those are worse than pimples as they can last years.

Poppipuff 14

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:19

At least every comments here begin with 'at least'.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 4:02

32 you're right haha. I never noticed that.

emilyzeppo 3

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 15:45

I like how you said "might" haha

stary1722 6

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Monday 29 October 2012 23:40

At least acne is good for something!

perdix 29

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:58

Birth control.

DoubleCross 9

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:27

Too far perdix

iiTzNeeNerz 26

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:47

Birth control pills aren't solely used for the prevention of pregnancy. It also helps women achieve a clear complexion. Read up on it.

EagorLuvsBigFoot 8

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:23

Exactly why perdix commented; Birth control

yabbadabbadooyah 12

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 6:47

He means the pimples themselves act as birth control

obnum 19

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Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

At least they complimented you! ;)

TrippingOnAcid 29

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Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

Ahahaha well at least it looked good

CharresBarkrey 15

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 7:42

You combo broke the first four comments from all starting with "at least."

the_enigma1019 1

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Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

At least they aren't burning you at the stake, a witches life is a hard one.

Posthuman 26

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:25

"How do you know she's a witch?" "She turned me into a newt!" *looks at the man* "I got better!"

the_enigma1019 1

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:28

Monty python is the bomb

LairaIsKindaCool 6

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Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

Look on the bright side, every one gets breakouts , you got yours on a day that made you look cooler.

traveler_ghost 12

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Monday 29 October 2012 23:56

just a little bit of oil, dirt and grease is all...

xGolfWangx 5

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:01

Fuck Acne -_-t

Posthuman 26

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:27

I'd rather fuck a girl, thanks

TylerOMFG 7

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 11:15

Too bad for you then huh, 35?

one_of_a_kind 5

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:09

At least they don't know it is acne!

smartman136 8

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:11

Im back bitches. Also ydi for not using stridex or other acne control products

rahulcool7 14

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:24

They don't always work and most acne products take time to clear the acne.

MikeFoxtrot01594 11

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:16

They didn't work for me. They just keep it from breaking out as much.

KiddNYC1O 20

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:58

10- Who are you exactly?

JJtJJ 13

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:59

A troll. Welcome to the internet.

KiddNYC1O 20

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Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:20

^ Says the noob with just 4 comments.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 42

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 751

You deserved it 146

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 993

Germaphobe

So no one told you life was gonna be this way…

Wrong, just wrong

Goddamn safety regulations!

Stuck

Fight Club for Dummies

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