Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts...

By mistickfae - 29/10/2012 18:42 - United States

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

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Miscellaneous

Goodbye Bill

Fairytale ending

Rich people problems

By dumbluck - 16/3/2011 06:54 - United States

Today, I was driving in stop and go traffic and passed two accidents in the process. I got nervous and decided to change routes to avoid getting hit. As I was trying to find an alternative route on my GPS, I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By HaHa Not Funny - 2/8/2011 04:13 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend called to tell me that he had always made a point to eat some form of meat before making out with me. He'd known I was a vegetarian since the day we met. FML

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By CooBerry3851 - 28/8/2011 08:27 - United States

Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pounds father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML

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33597

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By WeezysBaby - 28/3/2009 22:13 - Canada

Today, I was going through my old MSN conversations. I then realized that when I first got MSN, I didn't know that messages you sent after people went offline would be delivered to them when they signed in. I used to type 'I love you' to my crush after every time he went offline. FML

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By noname - 7/1/2009 11:43 - France

Today, I received a really nice red satin set of underwear, with a bra, a thong and a corset... From my grandfather. FML

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By crap - 17/1/2014 16:24 - United States - Mansfield

Today, I realized that if you are dreaming that you have diarrhea, you probably have diarrhea. FML

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By loser doctor - 2/1/2009 11:14 - Philippines

Today, I found out the girl I was in love with has a new boyfriend. I blame myself because I believed her when she said she "wasn't ready" for a relationship. FML

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By nhyari - 25/8/2014 18:58 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my girlfriend got her period. It seemed more painful for her than usual, so I offered to go out and buy some painkillers and maybe some chocolate for her. She thought I was being sarcastic and slapped me so hard I saw stars. FML

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By grossedout - 29/8/2013 16:26 - United States - Endicott

Today, I actually had to explain to my husband why his habit of wiping his boogers off into our baby's hair has to stop. FML

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By lindsaykay - 18/4/2012 00:07 - United States

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

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By oped01 - 18/10/2016 00:15 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, in a department store, a woman with a parrot sitting on her shoulder was trying to return a coffee maker. She explained that she had to return the coffee maker because the bird didn't like it sitting on the kitchen counter. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2010 05:32 - United States

Today, I need to find a way to explain to my 5, 7 and 12 year old kids their uncle wants to become their aunt. FML

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By Lostring - 2/7/2018 20:30

Today, I was fiddling with a ring my aunt hand made me, accidentally slipping it off, and dropped it in the toilet. Like an idiot, I scrambled to get it out only for my bending over to activate the automatic flush. FML

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By ThreeHoursEarly - 24/1/2020 01:00

What's the time, please?

Today, I was told to be present for a meeting that started at 5pm. I arrived 15 minutes early, and I was late for the meeting. This happens regularly. FML

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1960

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By disturbed - 10/5/2009 09:56 - United States

Today, I got rear-ended at a stoplight by a woman who had been doing her make-up while driving. She didn't get out to see if I was okay until she had finished perfectly applying both lipliner and gloss. FML

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By kdeeeceee - 5/11/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML

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By phukt - 19/5/2010 18:42 - United States

Today, after racing home with a jumbo package of toilet paper, I ran into my house to go to the bathroom. I then realized I'd left the toilet paper in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2015 18:50 - United States - Humble

Today, on my first driving lesson, I crashed my instructor's car. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. FML

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By tracy4191 - 13/6/2016 15:27 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my grandma has been slipping laxatives into my food. Apparently, I was constipated once as a child and "once constipated, always constipated." FML

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13388

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By BossesLittleBrat - 25/9/2016 12:47 - United States - Jamestown

Today, my brat of a coworker tried to convince our boss that I should get paid half of what I'm making because I broke my right arm. I'm left handed, broke it on the job, and still doing a better job than her. She makes double what I do. FML

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By Karma - 15/3/2017 02:00

Karma karma karma karma chameleon, you come and go.

Today, I forgot my phone in a restaurant bathroom because I was too distracted trying to steal three rolls of toilet paper without anyone noticing. After sinking that low because I was too broke to buy my own toilet roll, I'm now also in the market for a new phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2009 00:47 - United States

Today, I borrowed my dad's laptop to type an essay. While I was saving it, I noticed some curious looking files and I opened them. They were rejection letters from all the colleges I had applied to. My dad had been forging them so he wouldn't have to pay for my tuition bills. FML

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By apparentlyunattractive - 7/6/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, someone left a note on my car, saying "You're gorgeous. Call me. #######." I called the number and they said they saw me in the store I was in, telling me "You were the ONLY attractive person in there." We decided to meet up. He walks over, I say hi, he says "I think I put my number on the wrong car." FML

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By TheLastGreatDope - 20/2/2018 23:00 - United States - Winchester

Today, I received a random message on a dating app. It was the girl I'd always wanted to marry, but who disappeared from my life when we were younger. She went on and on about how much she missed me... and how much she wanted me to meet her husband and 3 kids. FML

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By Forge - 11/10/2014 14:43 - United States - Taylor

Today, I went to my grandma's yard sale, only to find my baby pictures being sold for 25 cents each. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 16:01

"At least you've got a job" - Mr. Missingthepoint

Today, I drove an hour to work, did nothing for 8 hours, drove an hour back, and then studied for 4 hours. This has been happening for weeks. FML

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By simon - 11/1/2018 06:00

Today, my mother, who insists on sticking her nose into every aspect of my life, found out I'm only "middle management" and called my boss to criticize her for undervaluing me, demanding I be promoted immediately. I am now the laughingstock of my office. FML

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By A Henderson - 25/4/2012 20:50 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a potential client that I wouldn't represent him, because suing his neighbor for calling him a pansy would get us laughed out of court and likely get me disbarred. His response was to get violent and threaten to sue me for violating his civil rights. FML

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By burned_away - 19/8/2009 18:10 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was leaving for work. From the other room I heard him call out, "see you soon beautiful." Touched, I went to give him a parting kiss. He stopped me and said, "I was talking to the cat." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2015 01:49 - United States - Saint Albans

Today, I overheard my co-workers referring to me as "Uncle Fester". This is apparently my nickname around the office, and has been for nearly three years. I had no idea. FML

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28438

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By FML - 5/7/2010 00:15 - United States

Today, I came to work ready to impress my boss. A couple of weeks ago I asked him for a promotion from stock to sales and I have been proving myself worthy. Turns out he hired a new girl for sales, with great, big, fake breasts. FML

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36941

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By AnonCat - 21/1/2013 01:47 - Canada - Vegreville

Today, my kitten tried jumping into a hot oven, a dryer, a dishwasher, a toilet, and a fish-tank. Curiosity is going to kill my cat. FML

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36913

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By GeorgiaBOYY - 4/1/2010 17:40 - United States

Today, while using the bathroom on an airplane, someone walked in on me wiping my butt. That person just so happened to be the stranger I was sitting next to. It was an 8 hour flight. FML

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33029

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By SakuraBreeze - 26/9/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, I was working at my new job at a food court on campus. One of the supervisors came up to my station and told me that I "really look like someone who, through some miracle, accidentally found their way into college." He then threw a pickle at me. FML

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26587

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By Mimo - 23/6/2016 10:18 - Egypt

Today, my best friend told me she's been in love with me for over 4 years. I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in a month and she's supposed to be my bridesmaid. "Awkward" doesn't even begin to describe our friendship right now. FML

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14498

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By anonymous - 8/9/2015 12:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a date after being alone for the past 2 years. The girl who my friends set me up with began asking my monthly income, my current occupation, and asked if I have a credit card account. FML

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27328

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2015 06:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my spineless shitwhip of a boss made me go fire a notoriously abusive employee. I had to act like firing him was my decision, even though I'm the secretary. Now I get to live in constant fear that the guy was serious when he threatened to find out where I live and kill me. FML

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24689

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By labie - 9/2/2018 01:30

Today, my girlfriend angrily broke up with me. The reason? I misgendered her new dog. FML

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4981

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By InnocenceBlue - 31/7/2019 12:00

Today, I finally managed to get my electrician boyfriend to agree to replace our old lights, after a year of asking. Saturday, he couldn't be bothered and Sunday he came down with a mysterious man flu. This is about the 10th time this has happened. FML

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By Loot - 17/2/2009 00:26 - United States

Today, I received a box in the mail from my mom which I assumed was a care package. It was a scale to encourage me to lose weight. FML

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Top comments

By stary1722 | 6

#5095363 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:40

At least acne is good for something!

By TheFirstSamurai | 18

#5095614 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:26

I really thought this FML, was going to end with "they were just real warts".

COMMENTS

By domking1315 | 20

#5095362 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:40

At least they go well with your costume! Dont worry. It might fade with time.

ruabadfishtoo | 0

#5096163 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:17

Pimples do go away but some leave scars and trust me those are worse than pimples as they can last years.

Poppipuff | 14

#5096168 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:19

At least every comments here begin with 'at least'.

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5096262 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 4:02

32 you're right haha. I never noticed that.

emilyzeppo | 3

#5097542 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 15:45

I like how you said "might" haha

By stary1722 | 6

#5095363 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:40

At least acne is good for something!

perdix | 29

#5095927 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:58

Birth control.

DoubleCross | 9

#5096052 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:27

Too far perdix

iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#5096093 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:47

Birth control pills aren't solely used for the prevention of pregnancy.
It also helps women achieve a clear complexion. Read up on it.

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#5096175 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:23

Exactly why perdix commented; Birth control

yabbadabbadooyah | 12

#5096580 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 6:47

He means the pimples themselves act as birth control

By obnum | 19

#5095365 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

At least they complimented you! ;)

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#5095367 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

Ahahaha well at least it looked good

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5096652 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 7:42

You combo broke the first four comments from all starting with "at least."

By the_enigma1019 | 1

#5095374 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

At least they aren't burning you at the stake, a witches life is a hard one.

Posthuman | 26

#5096184 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:25

"How do you know she's a witch?"
"She turned me into a newt!"
*looks at the man*
"I got better!"

the_enigma1019 | 1

#5096199 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:28

Monty python is the bomb

By LairaIsKindaCool | 6

#5095376 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

Look on the bright side, every one gets breakouts , you got yours on a day that made you look cooler.

By traveler_ghost | 12

#5095480 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:56

just a little bit of oil, dirt and grease is all...

By xGolfWangx | 5

#5095507 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:01

Fuck Acne -_-t

Posthuman | 26

#5096195 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:27

I'd rather fuck a girl, thanks

TylerOMFG | 7

#5097068 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 11:15

Too bad for you then huh, 35?

By one_of_a_kind | 5

#5095545 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:09

At least they don't know it is acne!

By smartman136 | 8

#5095547 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:11

Im back bitches. Also ydi for not using stridex or other acne control products

rahulcool7 | 14

#5095601 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:24

They don't always work and most acne products take time to clear the acne.

MikeFoxtrot01594 | 11

#5095785 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:16

They didn't work for me. They just keep it from breaking out as much.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5095929 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:58

10- Who are you exactly?

JJtJJ | 13

#5095944 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:59

A troll. Welcome to the internet.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5096033 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:20

^ Says the noob with just 4 comments.