Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts...

By mistickfae - United States

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

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23831

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Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

Misheard

Not now, please

By effmylife - Canada

Today, when I was finished eating at McDonalds, I went to Shoppers to pick up a new toothbrush. I got back to my car only to find the windows smashed in. The only thing that was missing from my car was the Hello Kitty toy I got from McDonalds. Someone broke into my car for a 10 cent toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50047

You deserved it

3650

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By joAnne - United States

Today, I went to visit my fiancé's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks

77358

You deserved it

4124

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By waitress - United States

Today, I was waitressing when a man sat at my table with soda from somewhere else. Drinks are half the profit for restaurants. There is a strict policy that you have to charge for carry-in drinks. I told him this, he yelled at me so I told him I was doing my job. I got fired, for doing my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58474

You deserved it

4256

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By - United States - Arcade

Today, I woke up with a horrible UTI after having sex with my fiance the night before. I went to an urgent care to get antibiotics as my primary is closed. Turns out, I'm allergic to condom lubricant. Now everytime I pee, It not only burns, but smells like a nasty condom... FML

I agree, your life sucks

2394

You deserved it

195

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By maxthomkell - United States

Today, my AP government teacher moved our seats and of course, I was seated next to my ex who has harassed me ever since our breakup. When I asked the teacher after class if I could please have a seat change, she told me I would have to write a 3-page essay on why I made the request. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12458

You deserved it

967

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By pussy - Italy

Today, I was talking to my boss about her children. She told me she didn’t want them to develop any problems by letting them sleep with the light on. I didn’t tell her last night I slept with the light on because I’m scared of ghosts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20297

You deserved it

44735

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By ChangingTheLocks

Call The Police!

Today, I came home after a long day at work to find the furniture in my living room had been rearranged by my mother-in-law. When asked how she got in, she told us she stole my husband's key and made herself a copy. She can now come here whenever she wants, unless I change the locks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2063

You deserved it

117

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By Cantgetno - United States

Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57252

You deserved it

6797

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14795

You deserved it

29967

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my boyfriend and my six-month anniversary. I've really fallen in love with him, and I know he loves me the same. So I got him a really nice gift, a watch he's had his eye on for as long as I've known him. It was expensive. What does he get me? A condom. Three actually. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49040

You deserved it

9814

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By sigh - United States - Medford

Today, my daughter told me that when she dies, she'd like her ashes spread on her laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27182

You deserved it

3572

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, I returned home from an extended vacation only to find out my cousin wasn't kidding when he said he was going to steal my boyfriend. I thought I was dating a straight guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48224

You deserved it

3590

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By SMCHR - Ireland

Today, after I moved into my college dorm three days ago, my roommate is still convinced that she is a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32150

You deserved it

3650

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By Anonymous - Germany - Wuppertal

Today, my coworker keeps loudly saying things like, "Oh, now THIS!" If I don't ask, "What?" she pouts. If I do ask, she tells me, at length and with very bad grammar, how every one of our colleagues and partners is either stupid, rude or out to get her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1504

You deserved it

136

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom gave me a talk on safe sex. During a three hour car ride. With my friends in the back seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55892

You deserved it

3868

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking a shower outside at my fiancé's beach house. I was struggling to take my bikini bottoms off so I started to walk backwards to step out of it. Little did I know that I had pushed the door open. My fiancé, his family, and my family all saw me bend over naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38412

You deserved it

8558

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2020 05:02

M. Night Shyamalanadingdong

Today, I went to the bathroom after a terrible job interview. My interviewer walked in with another guy, talking about my interview, saying he was obviously going to hire the other guy because my odd-sounding name was too hard to pronounce, yet alone spell in multiple emails. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1956

You deserved it

122

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By honorstudent - United States

Today, I received an award from my school rewarding me for my honor roll and my cheerleading. When I brought the certificate home my mom congratulated me and hugged me. I worked really hard for this and all my dad had to say was, "Try this flavor of Doritos." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27121

You deserved it

8232

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19496

You deserved it

49192

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, army recruiters came to my school and set up some punching bags to attract potential recruits. I gave it a shot, managing to set the highest score at my school and fracture my wrist at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35840

You deserved it

6997

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By shitpile - United States

Today, I was at a water park with my family. While on the 100ft slide, my father decided it would be a great idea to pants me. I slipped and went down the 100ft slide naked for everyone to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41349

You deserved it

4029

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By Username - United States

Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39272

You deserved it

4069

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By notanidiot - United States - Lansing

Today, I laughed when I shouldn't have and am probably fired. What happened? My boss asked me if birds were reptiles. I thought he was kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30859

You deserved it

3642

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By Anonymous

Chewbacca goes surfing

Today, my wax appointment cancelled on me, we’re supposed to be going to Hawaii in the morning and now I can’t wear a bikini because my stomach and back are hairier than my husband's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1380

You deserved it

413

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By Foxy - United States

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70157

You deserved it

26761

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By anonymous - United States - Poway

Today, after my mom picked me up from the mall, she asked me what was in my bag from Gap. I wouldn't tell her, and she ended up grounding me. It was her Mother's Day present. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64336

You deserved it

4969

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By JulietMarie

Today, I met my older sister's cute male roommate. Everything was going smoothly until he asked if I was her mother. I’m only 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2278

You deserved it

170

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By melyeah - Australia - Sydney

Today, to avoid a massive delay on our scheduled flight at the airport, we were generously moved to an earlier flight home. An hour later, our new flight had been cancelled and they told us we'd be stuck at the airport overnight. Our original flight took off fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37086

You deserved it

3690

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By cheesylad - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, I was alone in the car with my crush. For reasons I will never understand, I put on the song 'Kiss a Girl' by Keith Urban. I could feel her cringing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3083

You deserved it

1312

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24773

You deserved it

4673

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By proud parent - United States - San Antonio

Today, my two year old has learned new things from his best friend. His best friend is our dog. He's learned to eat dog food, lick people, and now he's started taking off his diaper to lift his leg and pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11394

You deserved it

1511

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend returned from a 2 month internship in New York. As I saw him exit the plane, I imagined him running to me and kissing/spinning me around passionately like in movies. He got closer and closer, and as I opened my arms to embrace him, he runs past me saying, "BRB, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT." FML

I agree, your life sucks

58473

You deserved it

10613

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a really important meeting for my career. The guy I was supposed to be meeting was driving from across the state, and it was supposed to begin at noon. It's now 4. What if I leave and he shows up after having driven across the state? I don't dare move. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1684

You deserved it

142

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my window got busted and won't shut properly. I live in a college dorm room and maintenance says they can't fix it for a couple of days. It's below freezing in my dorm and I can see my breath while trying sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30243

You deserved it

2604

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By PureFallPain

He may be disappointed

Today, I am Catfishing a guy on Twitter. I didn't mean to start it, I had an account I use to vent with and I used a pic with a cute girl. He sent me a DM that he liked my pic. He wants to talk on the phone. We have fallen for each other. He thinks, I am 18. I am a 39 year old single mother of 3 kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

465

You deserved it

4909

Favorite

By Danielle - United States

Today, while dog sitting, the dog peed on the carpet. There was a bottle of cleaning spray on the counter so I sprayed the spot. Turns out that spray was Clorox Bleach. Now their carpet is bright orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18285

You deserved it

27241

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got my first hand job. I started bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45308

You deserved it

5868

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By n - United States

Today, my boyfriend made me breakfast because I had a cold. Because my nose was so stuffed, I couldn't tell that our milk had gone bad. I had two cups. And now I'm stuck on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32021

You deserved it

3473

Favorite

By -- - Canada

Today, at my dental practice, we received a shipment of the stupid flavoured gloves my boss ordered to make the place more "friendly to the kids". I started working in an adult patient's mouth, when he decided to start creepily making out with my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37494

You deserved it

3040

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By fothermuckerrr - United States

Today, my best friend told me that she is only my friend because she is prettier than me and being my friend boost her confidence. FML

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33951

You deserved it

3273

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Top comments

By stary1722 | 6

#5095363 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:40

At least acne is good for something!

By TheFirstSamurai | 18

#5095614 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:26

I really thought this FML, was going to end with "they were just real warts".

COMMENTS

By domking1315 | 20

#5095362 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:40

At least they go well with your costume! Dont worry. It might fade with time.

ruabadfishtoo | 0

#5096163 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:17

Pimples do go away but some leave scars and trust me those are worse than pimples as they can last years.

Poppipuff | 14

#5096168 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:19

At least every comments here begin with 'at least'.

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5096262 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 4:02

32 you're right haha. I never noticed that.

emilyzeppo | 3

#5097542 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 15:45

I like how you said "might" haha

By stary1722 | 6

#5095363 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:40

At least acne is good for something!

perdix | 29

#5095927 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:58

Birth control.

DoubleCross | 9

#5096052 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:27

Too far perdix

iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#5096093 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:47

Birth control pills aren't solely used for the prevention of pregnancy.
It also helps women achieve a clear complexion. Read up on it.

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#5096175 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:23

Exactly why perdix commented; Birth control

yabbadabbadooyah | 12

#5096580 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 6:47

He means the pimples themselves act as birth control

By obnum | 19

#5095365 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

At least they complimented you! ;)

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#5095367 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

Ahahaha well at least it looked good

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5096652 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 7:42

You combo broke the first four comments from all starting with "at least."

By the_enigma1019 | 1

#5095374 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

At least they aren't burning you at the stake, a witches life is a hard one.

Posthuman | 26

#5096184 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:25

"How do you know she's a witch?"
"She turned me into a newt!"
*looks at the man*
"I got better!"

the_enigma1019 | 1

#5096199 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:28

Monty python is the bomb

By LairaIsKindaCool | 6

#5095376 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

Look on the bright side, every one gets breakouts , you got yours on a day that made you look cooler.

By traveler_ghost | 12

#5095480 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:56

just a little bit of oil, dirt and grease is all...

By xGolfWangx | 5

#5095507 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:01

Fuck Acne -_-t

Posthuman | 26

#5096195 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:27

I'd rather fuck a girl, thanks

TylerOMFG | 7

#5097068 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 11:15

Too bad for you then huh, 35?

By one_of_a_kind | 5

#5095545 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:09

At least they don't know it is acne!

By smartman136 | 8

#5095547 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:11

Im back bitches. Also ydi for not using stridex or other acne control products

rahulcool7 | 14

#5095601 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:24

They don't always work and most acne products take time to clear the acne.

MikeFoxtrot01594 | 11

#5095785 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:16

They didn't work for me. They just keep it from breaking out as much.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5095929 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:58

10- Who are you exactly?

JJtJJ | 13

#5095944 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:59

A troll. Welcome to the internet.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5096033 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:20

^ Says the noob with just 4 comments.