Miscellaneous: Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts...

By mistickfae - United States

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Misheard

Risky business

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to get into my house via the dog flap because my mom changed the locks. FML

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By lowly101

Today, I stood up at my desk and fell. I landed on the arm of my desk chair. There was a loud crack when the plastic in the chair broke. My co-workers heard. They didn't come to check on me because I didn't scream. FML

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By MWT77 - United States - Chicago

Today, I came home from my aunt's funeral to find my basement flooded due to a sewer backup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ridgewood

Today, I saw a homeless man on the street and decided to give him the dollar bill I had left in my wallet. He said "Thank you" then as I turned to walk away, he muttered "Cheap-ass cunt". FML

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By deepblue - United States

Today, we ordered pizza. A long wait and several phone calls later, we found out that someone met the delivery person at the end of our driveway, signed our receipt, and stole our pizza. Way to check the credit card pizza people. FML

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By imahater07 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I found out that I don't have to work tomorrow. Normally I would be thrilled to hear this, but not from the 6 o'clock news, doing a piece on my work's rat infestation and indefinite shut down. FML

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By Crying

It's toast

Today, I no longer have a toaster. My younger sister put it in the bath because apparently it looked dirty. FML

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By owwwww - United States - Piscataway

Today, I was having a really vivid dream in which I had to take a penalty kick to win the World Cup for the USA. I took the kick, but in reality, I smashed my foot against my bedroom wall and broke four of my toes. I also missed the kick in my dream. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend and I got in a fight, and we have a 3 hour drive back home together. FML

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By slashteddy - United States

Today, at work, I was on my break when I had to use the bathroom. I was on the toilet taking a dump when the door latch loosened and the door swung open. The little girl standing there took one look and screamed. Security busted in. My pants were still down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML

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By picklemonger - Canada

Today, I walked out of the store, car keys in hand, only to discover my car was missing. After a frantic search, I started to hyperventilate and a nearly had a full-blown panic attack. Then I remembered I walked to the store. I am an idiot. FML

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By UglyFace - United Kingdom

Today, my parents told me they'd be willing to pay for me to get a nose job. I asked them what was wrong with my nose, and they said nothing, it's just not the kind of nose they'd prefer to feature in our Christmas photos. FML

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By Devon - United States

Today, I found out that there is literally a giant hole in my son's bedroom because my son wanted to build a "secret entrance." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2020 23:01 - United States

Say my name, say my name

Today, after being unemployed for over four months, I got a call from a company I've wanted to work for for over 2 years. After they were about to set up an interview, they called me by a different name. After correcting them, they hung up on me. Turns out they had the wrong number. FML

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By feelin a lil left out - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I found out what it means to be the only single person in my group of friends. They had a New Year's party and didn't invite me because they didn't want me to "feel alone". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother asked me if my boyfriend and I were getting serious. I quickly lied and said no. She then informed me that if things ever heated up that she would take me to get birthcontrol. Wanting birthcontrol, I confessed. In turn she grounded me. I am not allowed to see my boyfriend anymore. FML

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66564

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By PhantomShitter - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Was it me?

Today, I read on Facebook that someone shat outside our block of flats. I laughed and showed it to my friend who was with me. She turned to me, and said, "That was you, we were locked outside last night and you needed to pee, but a poo slipped out." FML

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707

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2021 00:30

Landmine

Today, my sister told everyone she doesn't get mad at people anymore, and just accepts it. Today is also the day she folded laundry and threw my clothes around my room. Still not mad, just passive aggressive. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head against the wall. FML

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By dumbdad - United States

Today, my dad finally used the electric shaver I bought him for Christmas. My dog now has bald patches. FML

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By breadcrumb - United States - Kansas City

Today, while at work, a customer, who was also on his phone, rudely asked what kinds of bread we had for his sandwich. After I told him we had many different kinds to offer, he cut me off, told me to stop playing stupid, and stormed out after holding up a long line of people. FML

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24837

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By WeightAMinute - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he see's me I'm alone, pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

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By the next james herriot - United States - Laurel

Today, I found out my extremely anti-war relatives hate me because they think I served in the Army, after hearing I was "a vet". I'm a veterinarian. FML

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By not a boy toy

Today, I attended the will reading of the old lady who accidentally ran me over with her car years ago. I was affectionately mentioned and was left with something rather substantial. I had to listen through all that while getting evil leers and silently judged by family members who got squat. FML

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By Anonymous

Thanks, but no thanks

Today, I got fired from the community service I was doing out of kindness. FML

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By Anon - United States - Twinsburg

Today, I got so used to using this FML app while going to the bathroom that when I opened it, I accidentally peed a little. FML

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By soconfused - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I have been at my new job for almost a month and still have no idea what I'm doing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Great start

Today, I was starting my new job in the city. A man with a torn suit on came up to me and asks me for spare change. In a hurry to catch a taxi, I declined and rushed to catch one. At the office, my boss was late. About an hour later, I found out the man in the suit was my boss. He was attacked. FML

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By Spiller - United States

Today, I took the bus to work. I was exhausted and had a big mug of coffee. Half asleep and thinking I was in my car, I reached forward to put it in the "cup holder" during the ride. When I let go, I poured hot coffee not only all over myself, but also on the large, angry-looking man next to me. FML

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By MLZ - United States

Today, while at the restaurant I work at, a bunch of kids came in. They all gave incredibly complex orders, laughed at everything I did, and made a huge mess by "spilling" hot sauce and water all over the floor. After they left, I was tipped eleven cents. FML

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By cheerbabeXoXo - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking around in Target with my friends and the guy I've liked for a long time. As we approached the patio section, I sat down on a chair only to hear a big wet watery sound. I got up and realized that I had just sat in some little kid's diarrhea. FML

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By Mirorbo - United States

Today, my mother-in-law visited the house while my husband and I were at work. When we returned, we discovered she'd shredded and thrown away all the scribbled on papers sprawled on our messy desks. We're graphics designers. Those were rough sketches for about 14 different clients. FML

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By nicoleee - United States

Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML

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By techiefIve - United States

Today, I was eating Star Wars gummy candies and I bit R2-D2 in half. My girlfriend looked at it and said "Oh look, now he's R1-D1". It was super cute, but I couldn't help thinking, "That's not how the numbering system works for droids." FML

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By uglyguy252 - United States

Today, in class the guy next to me was talking to a girl across the room using gestures to help get across his message. Apparently, pointing at me is the best way to say "ugly." FML

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By KennyDidIt - United States - Grand Bay

Today, it's my sixth day taking care of my family's seven animals while my parents are in Singapore. So far, I've emergency-called the vet twice, taken a dog to the vet once, and cleaned up liquid dog shit five times. FML

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By Ouch

Today, I learned that bees like to get out of the hot sun, too. And that they do this by crawling into people's bed sheets. I also learned that these bees don't like it when you go to lay down in your own bed. They don't like it at all. Now it hurts to put weight on my right butt cheek. FML

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Top comments

By stary1722 | 6

#5095363 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:40

At least acne is good for something!

By TheFirstSamurai | 18

#5095614 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:26

I really thought this FML, was going to end with "they were just real warts".

COMMENTS

By domking1315 | 20

#5095362 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:40

At least they go well with your costume! Dont worry. It might fade with time.

ruabadfishtoo | 0

#5096163 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:17

Pimples do go away but some leave scars and trust me those are worse than pimples as they can last years.

Poppipuff | 14

#5096168 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:19

At least every comments here begin with 'at least'.

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5096262 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 4:02

32 you're right haha. I never noticed that.

emilyzeppo | 3

#5097542 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 15:45

I like how you said "might" haha

By stary1722 | 6

#5095363 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:40

At least acne is good for something!

perdix | 29

#5095927 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:58

Birth control.

DoubleCross | 9

#5096052 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:27

Too far perdix

iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#5096093 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:47

Birth control pills aren't solely used for the prevention of pregnancy.
It also helps women achieve a clear complexion. Read up on it.

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#5096175 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:23

Exactly why perdix commented; Birth control

yabbadabbadooyah | 12

#5096580 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 6:47

He means the pimples themselves act as birth control

By obnum | 19

#5095365 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

At least they complimented you! ;)

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#5095367 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

Ahahaha well at least it looked good

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5096652 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 7:42

You combo broke the first four comments from all starting with "at least."

By the_enigma1019 | 1

#5095374 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

At least they aren't burning you at the stake, a witches life is a hard one.

Posthuman | 26

#5096184 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:25

"How do you know she's a witch?"
"She turned me into a newt!"
*looks at the man*
"I got better!"

the_enigma1019 | 1

#5096199 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:28

Monty python is the bomb

By LairaIsKindaCool | 6

#5095376 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

Look on the bright side, every one gets breakouts , you got yours on a day that made you look cooler.

By traveler_ghost | 12

#5095480 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:56

just a little bit of oil, dirt and grease is all...

By xGolfWangx | 5

#5095507 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:01

Fuck Acne -_-t

Posthuman | 26

#5096195 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:27

I'd rather fuck a girl, thanks

TylerOMFG | 7

#5097068 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 11:15

Too bad for you then huh, 35?

By one_of_a_kind | 5

#5095545 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:09

At least they don't know it is acne!

By smartman136 | 8

#5095547 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:11

Im back bitches. Also ydi for not using stridex or other acne control products

rahulcool7 | 14

#5095601 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:24

They don't always work and most acne products take time to clear the acne.

MikeFoxtrot01594 | 11

#5095785 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:16

They didn't work for me. They just keep it from breaking out as much.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5095929 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:58

10- Who are you exactly?

JJtJJ | 13

#5095944 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:59

A troll. Welcome to the internet.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5096033 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:20

^ Says the noob with just 4 comments.