Love: Today, I chatted to a nice guy and gave him my number. I told... - FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I chatted to a nice guy and gave him my number. I told him I was going to sleep because I had a headache, and then put my phone on silent. He rang multiple times, and when I obviously didn't pick up, he sent several texts insulting me and calling me gutless for not responding. FML

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The magic of love

Thanks ma

The past that suits you best

By smooth - United States

Today, a girl and I were flirting and it was going well. Feeling bold, I asked what she would do if I kissed her. She smiled flirtatiously and said "Why don't you try it and find out?" I went in for a kiss, and she slapped me. FML

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By ohno - United States - Spring Lake

Today, for the second time, I had an argument with my mother about whether William Shakespeare was a real person or not. FML

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By Tiny - United States - Las Vegas

Toxic

Today, I had to sit through yet another one of my mom's, "You need to grow and gain some weight!" rants. I'm 22 and she doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm done growing. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting past 5'2". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that the guy I've been sleeping with is my mom's gynecologist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after playing on the same basketball team for eight years with the same coach, he kicked me off the team to make room for my younger brother, who I taught to play basketball in the first place. FML

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By - United States

My electric toothbrush

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

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By hailey - United States - Bethesda

Today, "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack blasted me awake at 4 am. Not knowing how it got on my iPod, I checked and found I had bought the whole $17.00 album in my sleep. This is the second time this month; the first time I downloaded the soundtrack from "The Wizard of Oz". FML

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By blahblah - United States - Richardson

Today, I decided to try Karate. In an attempt to roundhouse-kick a hanging boxing glove, I knocked over a lamp, lost my balance and pulled down my curtains. My neighbor then looked through the window, started laughing and yelled, "KUNG FO POWA!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that my husband is attracted to obese, unhealthy women after celebrating my weight loss of 175lbs and improving my overall health. FML

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By cartrouble - United States

Today, I picked my car up from the shop. After 5 minutes I noticed the oil and check engine light on. I pulled over, then the engine shut off completely. Turns out they forgot to put oil back in my car. I'll be needing a new engine. FML

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By svet - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob, which I don't normally do because I have a fear of getting hit in the eye. Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bit the wrong spot and had lemon juice shoot right into my eye. FML

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By WoofWoof - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He was quiet, I heard barking in the background. FML

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By Loopy - Belgium

Today, I had to buy more supplies for the cat my friend asked me to pet sit for 2 weeks. Her 2-week vacation ended over 3 years ago. FML

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By BrokenHangLow - United States - Havelock

Today, my roommate barged into my bedroom while my girlfriend and I were getting intimate. She freaked out and spun off of me trying to cover herself. I'm now in the hospital with a fractured dingle-dangle. What did he want that was so important? To ask if he could eat last pack of Pop-Tarts. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my little cousin is going to be staying at our house for a year or so, because of financial problems. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that every single night he creeps up on me while I'm sleeping, and shouts "GO F YOURSELF!" directly into my ear. Only another 11 months to go. FML

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By fmlfmlfml - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend rekindled the romance with his ex, at my 21st birthday party. One of the few reasons I'd invited her was to show that I trusted him, and I no longer felt threatened by their continued friendship. FML

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By MochiMomoChan - United States

Today, I found out I'm on wage garnishment because my mother, who took out a student loan for me back in '05, didn't pay off the $2015 owed when she said she would. I got screwed over financially because of her. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't kiss me because there was a picture of Superman on my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend let me be the first one to read the novel he dropped out of college to write. Turns out it's titled "A Brief History of Ass" and is an incoherent ramble about every time we've had anal sex. FML

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By NotJoeyEssex

Today, I was so lonely and bored, I thought about making the most of our current heatwave by giving myself heatstroke, just so I could talk to a doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from this girl I really like. Surprised, as I never get anything other than a text from her, I answered. All I heard were rustling sounds. She had pocket dialed me. FML

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By Username

Today, at work, my phone rang. My intern answered it and told me it was a coworker who'd just left. I picked up and said "What's up bitch? What are you going to complain about now?!" It was actually my boss. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mum came over and helped me sort out my spare room. It was great, we found so many things I'd forgotten I had! Including anal beads. FML

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By Tanya

Today, I found shit smeared into the carpet and I wasn’t sure who to blame, the dog, the newborn baby or the 60-year-old alcoholic mother-in-law whose husband had finally thrown her out. I did eventually find her passed out drunk in my flower bed with shit all down her legs though. FML

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By kiwichick4life - United States - Pickerington

Today, I was pretending to be a ballerina. I was dancing around my room, making a complete dick of myself. I eventually caught sight of a pair of guys grinning and filming me with their cellphones through my window. FML

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By mark - United States

Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 11:05

You tried

Today, I’m a single parent and lately I’ve been working out to get healthier. During a session, I injured my back pretty badly. Now I need help getting out of bed, etc. I just wanted to make sure they wouldn’t ever need to take care of me. FML

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By thiswouldonlyhappentome - Aruba

Today, I finally found out what that weird smell in my apartment was. My ex-boyfriend had been breaking into my apartment and hiding rotting fruit all over the place. I found this out when a ceiling panel fell and a swarm of fruit flies attacked me. FML

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By comphone - France

Today, I went to work 300 miles away from where I live. I couldn't find my customer's address, so I decided to call him. I'd picked up my wireless house phone instead of my mobile. FML

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By rachele321

Don't send dickpics (unless requested)

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my stepfather's new phone. FML

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By ElaborateScheme - United States - Palm Beach Gardens

Today, I was feeling a little bored so I decided to go outside for once. Living in Florida is nice and all except for the fact that right now I'm putting ice over two snake bites. FML

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By :( - Algeria

Today, I woke up after a night out partying only to find I'd wet the bed. I was so ashamed that I rolled my girlfriend into it to avoid taking the blame. FML

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By frenchgirl - United States

Today, I saw one of my favorite hockey players in public. I had met him once before, and to my shock, he remembered me. I was pretty excited until he started talking to his friend in French. He didn't seem to realize that I'm fluent in the language. He basically called me "ugly psycho bitch." FML

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By not-religious - United States

Today, my grandma came over for the holidays. She tried explaining how Santa is actually Christ reincarnated, giving presents to all the good little Christian boys and girls. She'll be staying all week. FML

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By JulieKid - United States

Today, I stepped out of my car and slipped on a fresh coating of ice on the ground. I tried to catch myself by grabbing the car on my way down, but unfortunately, I was trying to grab with the hand that was holding my car keys. I key-scratched my own car. FML

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By Katie - United States

Today, I was rear-ended while at a stop sign, by my driving instructor. FML

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By samba_spaz - United States - Los Angeles

Groove is in the Heart

Today, I was at my usual drum circle. This guy I'd never seen before showed up and started playing an unfamiliar beat. Thinking he was new, I tried to teach him what to play. Turns out he was a professional drummer and was playing an advanced version of the groove I was trying to teach him. FML

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By dk_2k16 - United States - Hattiesburg

Check that expiration date man, it's later than you think

Today, I went to take my permit test. I had been studying for months and was familiar with the whole book. When I sat down to take my test, I didn't recognize any of the questions. I went home and found out the book I used to study was the book my mom used to take her test in 1970. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Long Beach

Let's say, hypothetically…

Today, my boyfriend gave me a long, philosophical explanation about how he doesn't love me, but we should still have sex. FML

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By jellybean_94 - Canada

Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML

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Top comments

By hkhan24 | 23

#6060841 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:36

Dodged a bullet there!

By Octwo | 16

#6060843 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:36

Dodged a bullet of insecurity you could very well have not seen otherwise.

COMMENTS

By hkhan24 | 23

#6060841 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:36

Dodged a bullet there!

Reply

Rinat_fml | 26

#6060890 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 22:13

Block his number ;)

Reply

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6061154 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 3:33

No kidding. If he reacts like that, then it's best you didn't reply.

By thelegendarycarl | 12

#6060842 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:36

Some people just don't get it OP. Hope you're feeling better and you got everything cleared up.

By Octwo | 16

#6060843 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:36

Dodged a bullet of insecurity you could very well have not seen otherwise.

By Rayth | 19

#6060848 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:38

Sounds like you was able to get out early before something way worse could've happened.

By Aquila_Umbrae | 26

#6060858 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:42

Yeah sounds like an insecure jerk to me.

By iAmPaul | 49

#6060860 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:42

That sucks OP. Judging by that, he wouldn't have been a good boyfriend anyway.

By ThepurpleCow | 19

#6060862 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:43

There's this magical thing called a block button in contacts. Saved my ass 900 squared times.

Reply

davidisbeast | 12

#6061087 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 1:33

900 squared times what?

Reply

kinky44 | 28

#6061124 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 3:01

@38 Math is hard for you isn't it?

By martin8337 | 35

#6060867 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:46

Sounds like a stalker. At least you found out early on.

Reply

brenton490 | 19

#6061323 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 10:14

If I can't have you nobody can!!!

By honeybeeki | 14

#6060870 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:49

Not so nice after all

Reply

amisenho | 11

#6061689 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 21:32

How much do you want to bet he calls himself a "nice guy having a tough time with the ladies" when he describes his dating life (or lack thereof)?

By paperman84 | 7

#6060871 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:49

Luckily you haven't met him yet. I think its time to install Call Blocker App on your phone.