Love: Today, I chatted to a nice guy and gave him my number. I told... - FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I chatted to a nice guy and gave him my number. I told him I was going to sleep because I had a headache, and then put my phone on silent. He rang multiple times, and when I obviously didn't pick up, he sent several texts insulting me and calling me gutless for not responding. FML

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Proactive

Late term

And today, on Dr Phil…

By xTRYSOFTx - 7/3/2020 03:00 - United States

Crime scene

Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML

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By PineapplePizza - United States - Irwin

Today, I should be starting my last year of college next week. But no. My old advisor messed up my schedule so badly that there's no way I'll graduate for another year. So I'll be in school five years for a four year program because as a freshman I thought my advisor was helping me. FML

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By muddled - United States - Joliet

Today, I realized I have more in common with a cantaloupe than I do with my boyfriend. FML

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By oof - 9/7/2020 23:01

Boom, headshot

Today, my fiancé and I were discussing whether we should have a gun in the house or not. He argued that I’m too clumsy to have one. Offended, I turned around to storm off. I hit my forehead on the cabinet I'd left open and immediately started gushing blood. Point proved. FML

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By LittleRed79 - Canada

Today, it's difficult being a single woman in my city: The female/male ratio is 3:1, and the last 3 dates I've been on were with a guy who kept asking for nudes, an aggressive raging alcoholic, and what turned out to be a married man. I'm seriously considering adopting several more cats. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spokane

Today, I discovered that my stepbrother has been telling his friends that I'm his girlfriend. FML

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By sadgirl - United States

Today, I was doing a striptease for this guy over my webcam. I was shaking my ass while taking off my panties, but when they fell to my feet, I tripped over them and fell on my ass. FML

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By beaverless - United States

Today, my girlfriend kindly broke the news to me that she doesn't want to take part in sexual activity anymore because it is getting too boring. FML

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By HeShe - United States

Today, I got my renewed driver's license. It clearly indicates 'Sex: F'. My beard and penis beg to differ. FML

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By Fireguy92 - United States - Dewitt

Today, as a firefighter, we were called to assist the ambulance crew with lifting a deceased patient out of a house. Little did I know, he had been dead inside for 3 weeks, and was bloated and popped like a water balloon when we attempted to move him. My girlfriend made soup for the evening meal. FML

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By And you think I'M crazy? - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. Naturally, I drove over to my best friend's house for comfort. My boyfriend saw me driving past his house and promptly broke up with me for being "a psycho stalker." She lives across the street from him. FML

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By lalalee - United States

Today, my father came back from a business trip in Canada. He handed me an "I Love Canada" pen. He brought back an xbox 360 for my younger brother. FML

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By forthethreeofus

Today, I went to a nice restaurant with my grandfather, who kept telling me to be kind towards our waiter, as he was probably just starting his summer job. The same waiter who, as my granddad had probably forgotten, had brought us our food six months ago and was now standing four feet away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got into a car accident and totaled my car. Also today, someone bought themselves $600 worth of office furniture online with my bank info. My bank doesn’t believe me so they won’t help me get the money back. I'm broke and carless. FML

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By FrozenAnonymus - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was laying on a couch with my dog watching TV when I heard my dog fart. I looked at her, she looked at me and started waving her tail, blowing it into my direction. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after getting home from the supermarket, I went to unlock the door so my dad could carry the groceries in. No matter how hard or how many different ways I tried, the lock wouldn't shift. My dad eventually grabbed the keys, twisted once, and after the door unlocked, called me an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on Facebook was "FML". FML

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By gutted - New Zealand

Today, one of my really close friends changed from being 'free' to 'quite busy' in the space of one conversation because I suggested that we hang out. FML

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By owmyhead - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that when a pierced, tattooed, and otherwise extremely stereotypical biker chick jokingly threatens to find you and beat you up if you don't call her back after a one-night stand, she's not actually joking. FML

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By Mortified - 31/3/2020 14:00

On the can

Today, I was using the bathroom at Costco when a janitor forced my door open so she could mop, then didn't bother to close it again. Apparently, the handicapped stall was too big for her to see me sitting in the corner, and I had to awkwardly squat-walk all the way to the door to close it. FML

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By Hank - Canada

Today, I scored two prime baseball tickets from a supplier at work. I phoned my dad to tell him the good news. He said that's great, my brother and him would love to see the game. I said, no, I'm taking you to the game. He told me I was being selfish and hung up the phone. FML

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By devakii - United States

Today, the power went out at work. As everyone left the building to go home, the owner came in to inform me that, since the phones were on a battery back up, I would be staying to man them. The phones rang 2 times in the 4 hours I sat in the dark by myself. Both times were telemarketers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was fired for not asking a senior citizen for proof that he was over 21 and legally allowed to purchase alcohol. When I told my manager he was clearly over 21, he replied, "But what if he WASN'T?" FML

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By Perry85

Not my turn

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she says "Don't cum in me, my husband has plans for later." FML

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By Anonymous - Spain

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

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By mommiedearest - United States - Columbia

Today, I found a disturbing video on my 8-year-old's tablet. In the video, I was suffering from sleep paralysis. He's convinced I'm part demon. FML

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By banana - United States

Today, I decided to practice putting a condom on with my mouth. Then my roommate walked in on me using my mouth to roll a condom onto a banana. FML

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By Anonymous

Stay in school, kids...

Today, my son told me he got a tattoo to honour our German heritage. The bloody fool got an eagle and swastika on his arm. I had to explain to a 20-year-old what WWII was. He’s now researching laser removal. Idiot. FML

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By Lameartist

Today, I had just finished an elaborate charcoal drawing as part of a college application that took a good week. When I read over the requirements, I found out it needed to be done in graphite pencil. FML

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By Well, crap - Denmark - Kongerslev

Today, I attempted to ask a girl out by doing a flash mob and singing for her in the store where she works. Turns out, she suffers from anxiety and the overwhelming amount of attention caused a panic attack. No, I didn't get a date. FML

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By seriously_CAT

Today, I had to try to convince my roommate that, yes, you do need to use dish soap when you hand wash dishes because of bacteria in old food. She still won't believe me, insisting that, "there's no such thing as bacteria in food". FML

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By iloveyoutoomom - France

Today, my mom had an appointment with my teacher after class. She never showed. My teacher ended up driving me home. FML

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By llmd - Canada

Today, I called my boyfriend just to hear his voice since I haven't seen him in a while. His mom picked up and said "Chris isn't here right now, he's with his girlfriend. Do you want to leave him a message." We've been dating for 4 and a half months now. FML

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By Charity Taylor

Totally worth it

Today, after 8 years of being guinea-pigged for medical testing that "might work" on my ribcage for chronic pain, I finally caved and tried going to a pain clinic. The doctors' responses mostly consisted of, "That's weird" and, "That doesn't make any sense." FML

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By cutiekenz21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother walked in on us having sex. He started crying and ran into the bathroom where my clothes were located, leaving me to deal with his mother. Naked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I woke up from surgery to find that the chronic warts on my right hand hadn't been removed. The doctor informed me that they'd grown into my radial nerve, so impossible to remove without permanent paralysis. My immune system sucks, so this is just in my hand forever. FML

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By HolyyMolyy

Quickie

Today, I was ecstatic to have received a friend request from my crush of grade 4 after 11 years. He's grown up to be such a hottie. I quickly accepted his request, he messaged me and we ended up chatting for hours. Later, when I messaged him, he called me clingy and unfriended me from Facebook. FML

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By awkwardRA

Today, one of my residents was having super loud sex. I'm an RA in a college freshman dorm, and I had to knock on her door and tell her to quiet down. I hate to be a cock-block, but she woke multiple people up, myself included. I live 4 doors down the hall from her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove 45 min from my college to surprise my girlfriend with roses after she got off work. She responded by taking the roses, dumping them in her back seat, and speeding off because she couldn't miss Survivor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend decided to admit to me that he and my girlfriend have been cheating behind my back for the past two months. The reason he finally admitted it? Because she is now cheating on him with another one of our friends. FML

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Top comments

By hkhan24 | 23

#6060841 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:36

Dodged a bullet there!

By Octwo | 16

#6060843 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:36

Dodged a bullet of insecurity you could very well have not seen otherwise.

COMMENTS

By hkhan24 | 23

#6060841 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:36

Dodged a bullet there!

Reply

Rinat_fml | 26

#6060890 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 22:13

Block his number ;)

Reply

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6061154 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 3:33

No kidding. If he reacts like that, then it's best you didn't reply.

By thelegendarycarl | 12

#6060842 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:36

Some people just don't get it OP. Hope you're feeling better and you got everything cleared up.

By Octwo | 16

#6060843 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:36

Dodged a bullet of insecurity you could very well have not seen otherwise.

By Rayth | 19

#6060848 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:38

Sounds like you was able to get out early before something way worse could've happened.

By Aquila_Umbrae | 26

#6060858 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:42

Yeah sounds like an insecure jerk to me.

By iAmPaul | 49

#6060860 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:42

That sucks OP. Judging by that, he wouldn't have been a good boyfriend anyway.

By ThepurpleCow | 19

#6060862 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:43

There's this magical thing called a block button in contacts. Saved my ass 900 squared times.

Reply

davidisbeast | 12

#6061087 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 1:33

900 squared times what?

Reply

kinky44 | 28

#6061124 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 3:01

@38 Math is hard for you isn't it?

By martin8337 | 35

#6060867 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:46

Sounds like a stalker. At least you found out early on.

Reply

brenton490 | 19

#6061323 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 10:14

If I can't have you nobody can!!!

By honeybeeki | 14

#6060870 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:49

Not so nice after all

Reply

amisenho | 11

#6061689 - Wednesday 10 September 2014 21:32

How much do you want to bet he calls himself a "nice guy having a tough time with the ladies" when he describes his dating life (or lack thereof)?

By paperman84 | 7

#6060871 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 21:49

Luckily you haven't met him yet. I think its time to install Call Blocker App on your phone.