Kids: Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept... - FML

By thanks, dad... - Romania - Baia Mare

Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept getting calls from a withheld number. The guy just breathed heavily and wouldn't speak. When the third call came, I asked "who the hell are you?" The call ended, and my dad yelled from outside my door: "ME! Now go to sleep!" FML

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Walk on the wild side

Stuck on amber

Can't win

By tapeissticky591 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I woke up naked, duck taped to the wall with no memory of last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2021 17:00 - United States - Elmwood Park

Thanks for the support

Today, I told my dad I’m applying for a big pageant and I’ll find out tomorrow if I’m chosen to compete. I told him that there's a registration fee and a sponsorship fee. I then said that I might not be picked, but he assured me that I would… because they want the money from the fees. FML

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By Irobot

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was berated by a customer for a good two minutes. It's okay though because she ended with, "Sorry, I forget you all are real people." FML

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By imfucked

Today, I found out the paycheck I deposited on Tuesday bounced. This means that the checks I sent to my landlord, the electric and gas company and my mom will also bounce. When I told my boss, we got into an argument over bank fees and he fired me. I had thumped him, though. FML

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By denied - United States

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend in the hallway of our school, and once we got to his class, I leaned in for a kiss. Surprising me, he leaned away, and I asked what was wrong. He told me he's glad we're going out, but just doesn't want anyone to know. FML

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By bthms - France

Today, I was standing in a queue when an old lady turned, looked straight at me, and asked me to hold her bag. Confused, I took a hold of it. She started screaming for help claiming I was stealing her shopping. Turns out, she was talking to her husband behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hyde Park

Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML

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By rain - United States

Today, I called the number a guy had given me at a bar last night. I got the Soulja Boy Hotline. Now every few hours I get messages on my phone like 'Good morning! Jump on up and get yo swag on, this is Soulja Boy!' and I can't seem to get it to stop. FML

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By nbj10 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my dad went snooping on my laptop, and saw that I'd recently looked up 2 Girls, 1 Cup. It was out of morbid curiosity, but he thinks I'm into "satanic porn", and confiscated every electronic device I own. Now I have to sneak to the library just to check my emails. FML

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By Ouch

Great balls of fire

Today, my hand is covered in blisters because my boyfriend thought it would be fun to set an old insurance card on fire. Out of panic, he slapped the card against the wall in a failed attempt to put it out. Also out of panic, I slapped the flaming wall with my bare hands. FML

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By mei-ah - 12/6/2021 00:01

Alanis Morissette reference

Today, my mom screamed at me to the point of tears, because it rained on her birthday. FML

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By TooShort - United States

Today, I walked into a restaurant with my parents to celebrate my Mom's birthday. They immediately got a kid's menu and crayons out for me. I'm 15. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was walking towards the bus. The bus was scheduled to leave at 3:20, and it was 3:19 so I decided to run for it. As the doors were closing, I managed to just slip my hand into the door, so it didn't fully close. The bus driver saw this, looked at my face, and then drove away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend and I decided to wear a new red lipstick. The guy I like turned around, looked at her and said, "Red is a really interesting, sexy color. Pretty bold. Not bad." and he smiled. I waited, smiling also, only for him frown and say, "Your teeth are REALLY yellow." FML

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By ImprovTeacher

Today, I was teaching a small group of improv students. I asked one guy to do a monologue, and laughed to myself while he did so. I said, "Sorry, I'm just laughing at the way you're doing it." He then got upset and pointed out that he had a speech impediment. FML

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By sad trick Or treat - Denmark

Today, I went to the ER to get my eye checked. Turns out I had a scratch in it. So, after sedation, I now need to wear an eyepatch. Too bad Halloween was yesterday. FML

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By qwerki4 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was coming home from work and saw an old couple overwhelmed by the number of people at the train station. It was peak hour and I decided to help them. As I went up to them, they said, "Get away, go mug someone else". FML

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By eternal

Today, while at the drive-thru at Sonic, they told me they were out of mozzarella sticks. I shed actual tears. I’m not even pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, I visited my dad. He gave the, "You live under my roof, you follow my rules" lecture since I didn't do my "chores". I moved out 3 years ago. FML

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By How's the salmon? - United States

Today, my drunken mother shouted to me at the top of her lungs, "All men are fucking assholes, and your new husband is no different!" during our wedding reception. All he did was ask her how she liked the salmon. FML

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By PineappleOfMyEye

Today, I work at a general store and a customer came in trying to bargain a set price of an item. The item? A 50 cent candy bar. He wanted it for 34 cents. This is not the first time he's done this. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2021 21:30

Horn section

Today, I matched with someone on a dating app. The first thing they said to me was, "What is the chance that you are the trombone player living below me and would you please stop playing after 9 p.m.?" I am that trombone player and due to Covid I have to practice a lot in my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother called me a "wasteful child" because I threw up my lunch. FML

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By Nicked - Israel

Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML

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By ripmylife - Germany - Herford

Today, my boyfriend heard me confessing my undying love to someone while we were skyping. He's now convinced that I was talking to some other guy and had forgotten to mute my phone. I was talking to my cat. FML

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By Wow - United States

Today, I realized that I am so sexually deprived that I get aroused when plugging my headphones into my computer. FML

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By Pon

Today, my girlfriend bought me a new hockey jersey and donated my old one. My old one was signed. FML

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By hottygirl905 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I found out I have a kidney infection. Now I'm forced to drink at least 4 glasses of water before going to bed. I also have to be woken up every two hours to be told to, "GO PEE BEFORE YOU DIE!" by my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Amarillo

Today, my dog overturned and ate my trash, leaving coffee grounds and dog puke all over my floor. She also ate the broom. FML

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By mandm - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I had to explain to my son why it is not okay to slap old women's butts. He's 16. FML

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By Gennifer - United States - Hackensack

Today, I found out my fiancé has been cheating on me for the past month. The lady he has been seeing is a choreographer that was teaching him how to dance salsa for our wedding rehearsal. FML

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By Cam - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Long secret

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is still scared of his ex. It's been 8 months and our relationship is still "secret." Why? Because he's scared that she will find out and tell his family about us. FML

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By jigglypuff100 - United States

Today, while working at the zoo, I noticed a boy throwing candy into the warthog's exhibit. The fastest way to get there was to go through the exhibit, and speak to the kid from inside. I must have said three words when a lollipop hit me in the eye. Then the warthog peed on me. FML

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By mfnfhdjdjddjsjfn - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was in a terrific mood after finding a bouquet of beautiful flowers on my doorstep when I came home. That is, until I recognised the handwriting of my "secret admirer" was the same as my mother's. FML

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By whipplewhip - United States

Today, my husband and I were at the mall, and decided to have a snack at the food court. As we ate, an obese woman squeezed past our table, butt facing us. Just when her ass-cheeks slid past our heads, she let out a horrific fart that my father would be proud of. FML

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By Anonymous

Give me a break!!

Today, in an effort to avoid having the same break as my annoying coworker, I went a little earlier than I usually do. Guess who got moved to a position with an early break? She sat next to me. FML

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By Bambi - United States

Today, I crashed my car. I saw a deer getting ready to run into the middle of the road, and I was very sleepy, so I panicked and slammed on the brakes, causing me to lose control of the car on the wet road. After I hit a tree, I realized that the deer was a plastic lawn ornament. FML

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By Dimples - United States - Sanford

Today, I was at a café with my friends when an elderly man noticed my dimples. He came up to me, stroked them while whispering, "One in a million" then walked out. Now my friends do this to me constantly, even while driving home. I almost hit a tree. FML

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By sadface - United States

Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend due to our long distance relationship. She then agreed to date my best friend who lives in the same town as me. FML

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By Karansuni - Germany

Today, my boss told me that my attitude to work is awesome and that he'd follow my example of coming in half-an-hour early every day from now on. I relish those 30 minutes as the only time I can get work done without him constantly interrupting me. So much for that. FML

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Top comments

By sxm | 13

#5651351 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:23

Go to bed earlier next time!

By massinator5 | 4

#5651352 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:23

My dad texts me when I'm talking to people on the computer, saying go to sleep, I'm 19 haha

COMMENTS

By sxm | 13

#5651351 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:23

Go to bed earlier next time!

By massinator5 | 4

#5651352 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:23

My dad texts me when I'm talking to people on the computer, saying go to sleep, I'm 19 haha

Reply

Caitie_kid | 8

#5651516 - Saturday 31 August 2013 4:23

Lol, parental wins

Reply

Lea Basler | 9

#7606811 - Saturday 3 March 2018 20:23

you live in his house you play by his rules, as simple as

By realtingdis | 12

#5651353 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:24

#3

By xtremlysean | 6

#5651354 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:24

That's creepy and funny at the same time.

Reply

Debragga99 | 6

#5656099 - Tuesday 3 September 2013 2:56

32 Well that was unnescessary

By emilyjgraham | 34

#5651360 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:26

Haha I think your dad sounds quite cool! Although the heavy breathing part is a bit creepy...

Reply

Sweet_Meli | 11

#5651412 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:47

Maybe he has asthma and he can't help it :p

Reply

Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5651546 - Saturday 31 August 2013 4:51

haha funny

Reply

Phuzix | 7

#5652035 - Saturday 31 August 2013 16:44

That's exactly what I was thinking too!

By perdix | 29

#5651361 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:26

'MANIA!

A pretty lenient punishment from the country that brought us Vlad the Impaler and Ilie Nastase.

By shaww | 28

#5651362 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:26

I've gotten something like that before... except it was at 3am, my parents were asleep, and the person kept saying, "I will find you, and I will kill you"

Reply

BellaBear90 | 27

#5651487 - Saturday 31 August 2013 4:00

... So quite different to that really. How far past your bedtime was it?

Reply

Caitie_kid | 8

#5651523 - Saturday 31 August 2013 4:27

You should have replied "Not if I find you first" or "I've found you. I'm on my way". Would've probably scared the piss out of the preteen that was pranking you.

By lonewolf621 | 17

#5651364 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:26

Your dad is awesome! Definately going to try that trick.

Reply

ButterflyLadyBug | 14

#5651391 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:32

I was going to say the same thing ! lol you beat me to it ! lol !

Reply

greeneyebeauty9 | 28

#5821780 - Thursday 9 January 2014 6:54

It really bugs me how a lot of people can't spell "definitely" properly. .

By eriksen | 16

#5651365 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:26

But who made the call then??
- Every blond woman in the world.

Just kidding, I sort of respect women.

By kkscott | 26

#5651367 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:26

Still better than a horror movie...

Reply

DEATHBYEX1LE | 11

#5651709 - Saturday 31 August 2013 6:43

No, I don't believe it is.