Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept... - FML

By thanks, dad... - 30/8/2013 17:24 - Romania - Baia Mare

Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept getting calls from a withheld number. The guy just breathed heavily and wouldn't speak. When the third call came, I asked "who the hell are you?" The call ended, and my dad yelled from outside my door: "ME! Now go to sleep!" FML

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Healthy relationship

Basic Instinct

Never flip flop and drive

By STOP - 8/5/2014 13:55 - Australia - West Hoxton

Today, it's five days until my wedding and I still can't tell my bride apart from her twin sister. They share clothes, have the same haircut, and they even take turns flirting with me to "catch me off guard" because they think it's hilarious to trick me. I'm scared I'll marry the wrong one. FML

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By KTK - 18/2/2009 01:00 - United States

Today, I realized the annoying squealing I hear every night isn't my guinea pig. Apparently my brothers girlfriend makes that sound when they have sex. FML

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By Ineedlotsofwater - 23/1/2015 16:41 - United States - Seattle

Today, I found out why I receive random drug tests at work. The safety department was specifically told by my boss to check up on me because I always seem way too cheerful to not be high. I've passed every single test. FML

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By anon - 9/9/2013 21:51

Today, while working as a cashier, a really cute guy came up and said, "Hi Morgan". I freaked out and asked him how he knew my name. He then replied, "You have a name tag". FML

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By burr415 - 20/4/2012 22:55 - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, my friend was waiting outside the store while I bought a newspaper. Through the window, I saw two guys getting physical with him, so I went outside and they took off. I muttered, "Yeah, I thought so." They then turned around and beat the crap out of us. FML

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By Sovekipisse - 15/6/2013 22:24 - France - Arthon-en-retz

Today, I went to a bar for some drinks. A guy looked me up and down, gave me a suggestive smile, then asked for my name and number. I'd have been a little less creeped out if he hadn't been standing beside me at the urinal the whole time. FML

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By sillygoose - 14/12/2009 03:53 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to check the dark growth I just discovered on my back. It was chocolate. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 05:03 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Some guys have all the luck

Today my brother tried to teach me the merits of stalking women on Facebook, gave me a tutorial on how to use improper grammar and spelling to woo them and finally, "using misinformation to start a conversation." He's getting married soon. The last time I kissed a woman was 4 months ago. FML

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By MarcusJones713 - 8/4/2009 11:17 - United States

Today, I was at the gym with my friends when they invited me to do a few bench presses. Since I'd never done any before, I decided to start with no weights on the bar and work my way up from there. I wound up pinned beneath the bar, calling for my friend to come free me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2019 06:26

Today, I was driving behind a tall truck when it drove through some overhanging branches. Suddenly, a huge branch fell on top of my car, leaving it scratched all over and with several dents in the roof. FML

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By nightmarestonite - 16/12/2013 21:54 - Canada

Today, I was admiring a beautiful painting I had hung in my bedroom. My brother kindly pointed out that when flipped upside down, it takes the shape of a lunatic girl with bleeding eyes. Now I can't unsee it. FML

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By Tris - 12/9/2019 16:00

Talk is cheap

Today, my co-workers keep making fun of me because I said, “You’re very so welcome.” They say it's not proper grammar, but honestly I can’t find anything that says I’m wrong. FML

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By Username - 20/7/2010 04:57 - France

Today, I had the rehearsal for two of my friends' wedding. My ex-husband is also in the wedding, and I just found out we have to walk down the aisle together 'for height reasons'. FML

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By HotToTrotskyite - 8/9/2009 17:30 - Russian Federation

Today, I was riding on the Moscow metro. My friend and I were joking around in English about taking a nap on the nerdy business man next to me. As we laughed and made comments about him, which we thought he couldn't understand, he asked, "First time in Moscow?" FML

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By Burntintomyretinas - 19/9/2012 04:40 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house. She'd told me not to ring the doorbell and just come in so that I wouldn't wake her dad up. As I walked upstairs, her father walked out of the bathroom naked. We locked eyes. I can't get the image out of my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 00:36 - Austria

Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen. In a church. During my wedding. FML

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By mjohnston - 27/3/2009 14:47 - United States

Today, I was fired from a managerial position I've held for two years due to "inappropriate relations with a subordinate": I was dating a coworker. My girlfriend then broke up with me four hours later. Because I no longer had a job. I hired her. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2011 02:59 - United States

Today, after lifting a 20 pound box of oranges for a woman at work, she turned around to say "Your acne needs help." I still had to tell her to have a good day. FML

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By alyssac11 - 25/5/2010 04:55 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has a YouTube channel devoted to taking the camera out whenever he has to fart. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2020 14:01 - United Kingdom

Alexa, play "Gigantic" by Pixies

Today, my brother was officially diagnosed with gigantism. According to the specialist doctor, he'll probably be 8 feet tall, if not taller. Hearing this, my brother looked at me and said, "Remember when you used to pick on me for being smaller than you? Karma's a bitch, ain't it?" I’m so screwed. FML

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By Merlin - 17/4/2012 17:37 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a one-inch fish bone stuck in my throat. I went to the doctor, who claimed he couldn't see the long white thing embedded next to my tonsil. He charged me $70, and told me to eat some bread. I had to pull it out myself with a pair of tweezers. FML

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By 12693 - 24/10/2012 17:35 - Australia - Perth

Today, there was a horrible smell in my kitchen. I tried to find the source, but failed and had to leave for the day. That night, my brother informed me that the smell was coming from a dead mouse stuck in our toaster. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2011 16:34 - United States

Today, I went to my gyn to see what a painful lump is under my armpit. Turns out it's breast tissue, and yes, it will fill up with milk when I'm pregnant. I essentially have three boobs. FML

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By hitchhiked - 4/1/2012 06:28 - United States

Today, I picked up a hitchhiker. He was well dressed, and seemed trustworthy. As soon as he got in, he pulled out a gun and stole my wallet and car. All of this occurred in front of a sign warning against picking up hitchhikers. FML

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By not_fakingit - 22/9/2013 04:26 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I joked with my boss about calling in sick to work tomorrow with food poisoning to avoid taking the Sunday shift. Tonight, I'm sitting on the toilet bowl in agonizing pain with combination diarrhea and vomiting. My shift starts in 3 hours. FML

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By tor - 10/7/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, one of my bosses came into work and told me that they had seen my dad's twin in the supermarket holding hands and kissing a much younger woman and her baby. My dad doesn't have a twin. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2016 14:15

Today, I found out my wife has been taking "love thy neighbour" very literally with the bloke next door. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2014 01:27 - United States - Sandston

Today, my boyfriend said that he doesn't have to marry me because we coincidentally have the same last name. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2010 23:19 - Canada

Today, I tripped in front of my graduation class of 225 and all of their relatives while receiving my diploma. FML

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By Embarrassed - 22/8/2013 04:40 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was playing Charades with my boyfriend's family. When it was his turn, he pointed at me. His mother said "Bitch?" The answer was "relationship". FML

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By jam - 27/7/2020 08:01

Is that even legal?

Today, my boss told me that I'm being terminated. Apparently, being pregnant means I was going to quit soon anyway, so there's no point. Now I have to get job so I don't get deported. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2019 20:04

Today, after being a few minutes late to work a few times this week, I left the house super early this morning. When I got to work, security hadn’t unlocked the doors yet, so I waited in my car, where I ended up falling asleep and sleeping through most of my entire morning shift. FML

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By E_Sauce - 24/3/2019 12:00

Today I went to the bank to get a jar of coins exchanged for cash via fancy counter machine. After 30 minutes I was handed a bag of rolling sleeves and was told to do it myself. Good news, I have a lot more money than I thought. Bad news, I have A LOT more coins than I thought. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2017 20:00

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2016 05:49 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went on a second date with a guy who seemed perfect in every way possible. That is until he started mentioned how children are a deal-breaker for him. I had to break it to him that I have a 14 month old daughter. He actually had the balls to ask if I'd ever consider foster care. Seriously, dude? FML

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By -___- - 14/9/2012 23:06 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my five-year-old daughter asked me why moms don't swallow clothes, so that their babies won't be born naked. My husband burst into derisive laughter, and has now trained her into responding to the name "Derp-Derp." FML

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By meantowheels - 21/6/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML

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By bit - 30/7/2009 10:01 - United States

Today, me and my girls went to get revenge on a girl who slept with my boyfriend by egging her house. Her house was too far away so we decided to get her truck. We wasted a carton of eggs on her driveway because we all have terrible aim and look incredibly stupid for missing so bad. FML

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By Foreveralone - 22/7/2016 08:54 - United States - Hartford

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

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By chelse_elyce - 21/1/2015 04:10 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in his car. We were in the front seat and I was on top. My ass hit the horn and scared my boyfriend so bad, he jumped, causing me to hit my head so hard that I swear I got a concussion. FML

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Top comments

By sxm | 13

#5651351 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:23

Go to bed earlier next time!

By massinator5 | 4

#5651352 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:23

My dad texts me when I'm talking to people on the computer, saying go to sleep, I'm 19 haha

COMMENTS

By sxm | 13

#5651351 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:23

Go to bed earlier next time!

By massinator5 | 4

#5651352 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:23

My dad texts me when I'm talking to people on the computer, saying go to sleep, I'm 19 haha

Reply

Caitie_kid | 8

#5651516 - Saturday 31 August 2013 4:23

Lol, parental wins

Reply

Lea Basler | 9

#7606811 - Saturday 3 March 2018 20:23

you live in his house you play by his rules, as simple as

By realtingdis | 12

#5651353 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:24

#3

By xtremlysean | 6

#5651354 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:24

That's creepy and funny at the same time.

Reply

Debragga99 | 6

#5656099 - Tuesday 3 September 2013 2:56

32 Well that was unnescessary

By emilyjgraham | 34

#5651360 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:26

Haha I think your dad sounds quite cool! Although the heavy breathing part is a bit creepy...

Reply

Sweet_Meli | 11

#5651412 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:47

Maybe he has asthma and he can't help it :p

Reply

Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5651546 - Saturday 31 August 2013 4:51

haha funny

Reply

Phuzix | 7

#5652035 - Saturday 31 August 2013 16:44

That's exactly what I was thinking too!

By perdix | 29

#5651361 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:26

'MANIA!

A pretty lenient punishment from the country that brought us Vlad the Impaler and Ilie Nastase.

By shaww | 28

#5651362 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:26

I've gotten something like that before... except it was at 3am, my parents were asleep, and the person kept saying, "I will find you, and I will kill you"

Reply

BellaBear90 | 27

#5651487 - Saturday 31 August 2013 4:00

... So quite different to that really. How far past your bedtime was it?

Reply

Caitie_kid | 8

#5651523 - Saturday 31 August 2013 4:27

You should have replied "Not if I find you first" or "I've found you. I'm on my way". Would've probably scared the piss out of the preteen that was pranking you.

By lonewolf621 | 17

#5651364 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:26

Your dad is awesome! Definately going to try that trick.

Reply

ButterflyLadyBug | 14

#5651391 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:32

I was going to say the same thing ! lol you beat me to it ! lol !

Reply

greeneyebeauty9 | 28

#5821780 - Thursday 9 January 2014 6:54

It really bugs me how a lot of people can't spell "definitely" properly. .

By eriksen | 16

#5651365 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:26

But who made the call then??
- Every blond woman in the world.

Just kidding, I sort of respect women.

By kkscott | 26

#5651367 - Saturday 31 August 2013 2:26

Still better than a horror movie...

Reply

DEATHBYEX1LE | 11

#5651709 - Saturday 31 August 2013 6:43

No, I don't believe it is.