Money: Today, my son broke a window at school playing football. Not...

By notsosmart - Australia

Today, my son broke a window at school playing football. Not only did he break one, he broke the other window next to it. His excuse? He tried making it look like a bird flew in one way and flew out the other. I have to pay $800 to fix it. FML

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Money

Understandable

Time for the ER

Rich people problems

By lostbandana - United States

Today, I was accused of cheating on my wife when an earring was found in our car. I knew it was my mom's missing earring but she didn't believe me. After calling my mom and getting them on the phone to clarify, my wife is upset I told my mother at all. Now I'm not a cheater, just an asshole. FML

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By sorryyouweregone - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I was at a goodbye dinner with friends before I move back to America. A friend called to cry over relationship problems she refuses to fix. While I was outside trying to politely get off the phone, my friends ate and drank everything I'd ordered and closed the bill. FML

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By Anonymous - India - New Delhi

Today, while trying to get my boss to reconsider laying off much of my department, I accidentally convinced him to lay me off too. FML

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By Urinal Fresh - Australia

Today, I vacuumed my car as I'm trying to sell it. After the interior was clean, I sprayed some air freshener. The chosen smell was "new car". I think they mislabeled it, as my car now smells like urinal cakes. I have two potential buyers coming tomorrow. FML

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By Furry - United Kingdom

Today, I looked outside with a grimace at the very heavy rainfall through which I had to trudge a long way. I waited ten minutes for it to let up, only to find it was getting heavier. So, I started walking anyway. After getting soaked to the bone, I walked through my door, and it stopped. FML

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By stood-up - United States

Where are you? Oh, there you are

Today, I filed a missing persons report on my boyfriend. He was out fishing and then was supposed to meet me for a romantic weekend getaway. He never showed up and didn't respond to my texts. I found out, courtesy of a voicemail from the sheriff's department, that he'd broken up with me. FML

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By OutOfLuck - United States

Today, my professor informed me that if I didn't "show more commitment" to my choral ensemble he would give my spot to a "more interested young woman." I missed class to see my neurologist. Apparently my seizures are a symptom of lack of commitment. FML

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By Becca_Jo - United States - Caledonia

Today, I found out that the only reason my "friend" comes over to my apartment is so that she can charge her phone using my electricity, because she's too cheap to use her own. FML

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By Anonymous - India - New Delhi

Today, at a party I got blind drunk and I gave a guy a blowjob for the first time. I'm a 100% heterosexual male. FML

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By Ballhugger - Canada

Today, I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. I woke up to an excruciating pain coming from my genitalea. It turns out that I was having nightmares and I squeezed my balls because I was so terrified. I popped 3 blood vessels in my scrotum and now walk with a limp. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 23:01

You've got some explaining to do

Today, my boyfriend accidentally synced his contacts to my phone. I'm not sure who I want to message first, "Amber (Big Ass)", "Kayla (Baby Girl)", or one of the other 64 with similar descriptions in parentheses. FML

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By yingyang2 - United States

Today, I have been teaching my 5 year-old step-daughter how to read and write. She came bounding up to me with a piece of paper and said, "look what I did". It was a letter that said "My dad misses my real mommy, not you". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was driving. I freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me. Three cops arrived on the scene and I had to explain to them what happened. I can still hear them laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - State College

Today, I was going to set up my air conditioner in the window. As I opened up the window, I must have disturbed a wasp nest, because a dozen wasps flew in and several of them stung me. The rest are now somewhere in my house with my terrified girlfriend. FML

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By Safe - United States

Today, my girlfriend left her phone on a bus. With no way to pick it up, I drove 40 miles through Friday night Boston traffic to get it from the bus company office. It took me four hours. Bored in traffic, I discovered the texts from her other boyfriend. FML

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By Sonotsuave - United States - Arlington

Today, my now ex-friend told me she had feelings for my ex and was also choosing him over our friendship, despite being fully aware of the crazy rollercoaster our relationship was and being there to hear every detail of the trauma. She classily told me at random, in a public mall. People suck. FML

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By Broke - United States - The Colony

Today, I went to an ATM to see how much money I had in my account. I put the card in. It never gave it back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, the woman I've loved for 15 years and had children with told me she's remarrying to the man she cheated on me with. Since her father passed last year, she wants me to give her away at the wedding. FML

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By Tyler Smith - United States

Today, my girlfriend thinks my house is filled with ghosts. She can only hear them when I fart. FML

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By misspukesalot - 14/7/2020 14:02

Two-way street

Today, at 7 months pregnant, I have come to accept the morning sickness isn’t going to ease off. It’s so severe that I don’t make my meal choices based on calories or even cravings, rather on how bad it’ll taste when it comes back up. FML

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By piercednipple - United States - Woodbridge

Today, my docile gerbil was startled by a car alarm. He dove into my tank top and bit straight through my nipple. FML

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By alostr1 - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's, some kids were running and screaming. One of them stopped right beside me, turned to face me, and threw up in my lap. FML

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By allycat - United States

Today, after a year of suspicion, I finally found out my sister is in a cult. My family's response? "It will be good for her." FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, my ex girlfriend that I still love sent me a text, quote "I still love you, but i'm not IN love with you" Um, what? FML

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By quit fucking up my life - United States - Kenai

Today, my dad met my boyfriend for the first time. He soon "casually" took a huge knife from the kitchen drawer and told my boyfriend that he's always wondered what it'd be like to stab someone. FML

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By sick - United States

Today, I got up and left for work despite being really sick, because I had a big meeting. Halfway to work, in deadlocked traffic, my boss texts me to let me know he's rescheduling the meeting to tomorrow because of personal conflicts. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my co-worker offered me sweets, then chocolate and then biscuits. Repeatedly. She knows I'm trying to diet for my wedding. She does this every day. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my bank card was skimmed (copied electronically) and my account was totally cleaned out. I had only just got paid and don't get paid again for 4 weeks. The bank says it will take 21 days minimum to resolve. They offered me a credit card with a huge interest rate to help me get by. FML

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By ow

Today, while playing paintball, a shot ricocheted off a wall and slammed into my nuts. I told the other team I was out and tried to run out of the field, but as I was jogging to the door I was hit again in the balls. My friend saw this and dropped his gun, laughing. It hit me too. FML

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By FMLTIMESTWO - United States

Today, I found a dead bird on my windshield. Thinking I was clever, I turned on my windshield wipers to get the bird off. Unfortunately, the dead bird fell through my open window and onto my lap. FML

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By framed - United States - Portsmouth

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

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By Dude - United States

Today, I got laid off from work. I was being escorted to the elevator when another coworker stepped inside. He said, "How goes it?". I said, "It goes". Then he said, "At least we have a job". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2020 14:00

Getting fit for all the wrong reasons

Today, for the 28th consecutive day, I went jogging for an hour, even though I never really used to, just to get away from my husband and two kids, because being stuck in lockdown with them is boring me out of my mind. FML

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By sandwichsex - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML

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By Kassiopia - United States

Today, my Dad decided to take his medicine before eating. He passed out with his face in a plate of chocolate cake. He wasn't responsive so I called the paramedics. When he got to the hospital, the doctor asked him if he knew why he was there. He replied, "Because my stupid daughter over reacted." FML

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By embarassed - United States

Today, I fell asleep at a party. I farted so loud that I woke myself up. Everyone heard. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, my family went out to dinner at a seafood restaurant. While we were eating our food, my grandma demanded to see the manager, and loudly complained that her fish was "too fishy". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I haven't hung out with anybody other than my family in over two years and I started crying. When my mom came in and I explained why I was crying, she replied, "Well that sucks. I'm off to have lunch with some friends. See you later!" FML

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By EmbarrassedGirlfriend101 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my very good friend ratted me out to my boss because I used the photocopier for personal use. He said he will always be my friend, but "rules are rules." FML

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Top comments

By pattheaninal | 9

#2156225 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:18

wow. your son is dumb.

By young_al | 4

#2156244 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:20

Sucks for you, make him work and pay for it himself!

COMMENTS

By evan_789 | 7

#2156222 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:18

first?

Rebi3144 | 8

#2156242 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:19

Damn you D:

Zmeilerr | 22

#2156251 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:20

No one cares. Now go back to your bridge, troll.

Zmeilerr | 22

#2156253 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:20

No one cares. Now go back to your bridge, troll.

Themuffinman728 | 0

#2156655 - Sunday 6 March 2011 21:22

Makes perfect sense. I don't see the problem here.

By pattheaninal | 9

#2156225 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:18

wow. your son is dumb.

Kurtis123 | 0

#2156368 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:45

What are you talking about, his son is a genius! *sarcasm*

Achead | 0

#2156665 - Sunday 6 March 2011 21:28

Very

froob | 0

#2156689 - Sunday 6 March 2011 21:37

Fo'real

persianjr1 | 7

#2156791 - Sunday 6 March 2011 22:32

your kid has a strong throw!! haha. two windows?

Morenna4 | 0

#2157165 - Monday 7 March 2011 1:33

lol , actually thts pretty smart lol .

theten_fml | 9

#2157632 - Monday 7 March 2011 5:55

congratulations! it's an idiot

spearhead | 5

#2157660 - Monday 7 March 2011 6:15

86 op lives in Australia football is our soccer not American football

CommonSenseKarma | 17

#2161025 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 6:23

Think it's time for the comparison between stupidity and football, sí?

CalebEatsZombies | 2

#3728003 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 2:28

Fucking ball has a boomerang in it

By ramboman19 | 8

#2156239 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:20

kids do the darndest things!

By young_al | 4

#2156244 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:20

Sucks for you, make him work and pay for it himself!

By RealChinese | 7

#2156258 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:21

your dumb if you didnt make him pay for it or at least not give him allowance or w.e if you do until it adds up to 800$

liindsey | 25

#2156311 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:31

You're dumb if you don't know that the dollar sign goes in front of the money amount.

And by the way? It's "You're* dumb" not "your dumb" for future reference.

Thanatos1206 | 0

#2156378 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:46

Yeah get him 19!! Show him what proper grammar looks like!

breenntt | 0

#2156756 - Sunday 6 March 2011 22:13

First off, some countries in Europe do the currency sign after the number because you don't say "Dollars eight-hundred".

john7h567hgrd | 0

#2157116 - Monday 7 March 2011 1:10

Ya but this is America where our grammar makes no fucking sense... so up yours!!

RealChinese | 7

#2157307 - Monday 7 March 2011 2:44

my bad i didn't know i was writing an essay for school sorry teach

ForeverAloneGuy | 1

#2157411 - Monday 7 March 2011 3:40

Can't you read? He's a real Chinese, he doesn't care about non-mandarin grammar.

andinho | 0

#2157652 - Monday 7 March 2011 6:10

his allowance would need to be pretty big to pay it off

lmfao_shame | 9

#2157654 - Monday 7 March 2011 6:11

LOL GOOD ONE

spearhead | 5

#2157662 - Monday 7 March 2011 6:18

hi 122 :)

PushMyButtons | 5

#2157758 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:02

crap it was 101 still. I love it.

always_smile_fml | 3

#2158094 - Monday 7 March 2011 9:41

you're sad

ligerzz | 0

#2159147 - Monday 7 March 2011 17:05

19, it's "And by the way,", not a question mark tyvm.

TYDIRocks | 2

#2159560 - Monday 7 March 2011 20:25

If it was an allowance wouldn't it still be coming out of OP's pocket? lol

By stun23 | 8

#2156260 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:22

:((( dang

By demetrius19 | 7

#2156266 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:22

u need to beat the hell out of him because thats the stupidest hing i ever heard.

newfiegirl | 8

#2156324 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:34

someone needs to beat the hell outta you, for even saying they should beat the kid.. you have issues.

ScuseMePrincess | 2

#2156408 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:52

There's nothing wrong with beating a bad kid. Obviously, you shouldn't strike a child with a clenched fist, but spanking never hurt anybody.

Zomg_Okay | 26

#2156458 - Sunday 6 March 2011 20:08

Except the people getting spanked.

o76923 | 8

#2156489 - Sunday 6 March 2011 20:19

and all the people the spanked kid eventually beats up because they are taught violence is an appropriate response to anger.

newfiegirl | 8

#2156988 - Sunday 6 March 2011 23:57

spanking and beating are two different things..
10 clearly said "beat the hell" out of hiim.. obviously abuse.

iluffmcrandbvb | 1

#2157564 - Monday 7 March 2011 4:53

oh yeah spanking never hurt anybody except for the person that got spanked. ppl who abuse kids are horrible, vile people.

Grimmerie | 31

#2158193 - Monday 7 March 2011 10:28

i was spanked as a kid. as a result, i know if i fuck around i'll be punished. i have never, would never, and will never wilfully cause harm to befall another human being or animal. spanking =/= child abuse.

Dragons_corner | 6

#2158511 - Monday 7 March 2011 13:00

I was spanked and I don't go beating people up. I plan on spanking mine too.

also 96 I believe 56 might be right. I say to my parents and they say it to "I would gave beat the shut out of you" and they and me mean spank.

cptmorgan15 | 2

#2159366 - Monday 7 March 2011 19:09

This is why I dislike freedom of speech. Everything on FML turns into a huge, neverending internet argument. Stop stating your opinions people, nobody cares.