Today, my son broke a window at school playing football. Not...

By notsosmart - Australia

Today, my son broke a window at school playing football. Not only did he break one, he broke the other window next to it. His excuse? He tried making it look like a bird flew in one way and flew out the other. I have to pay $800 to fix it. FML

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Money

Family values

Dog whisperer

Not now, please

By sales ham - United States

Today, I was reciting lines for a play that I'm in. It was going great, until I realized that I was actually reciting my scripted sales pitch from my telemarketing job. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the highlight of my day was someone prank-calling me. FML

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By AwkwardMoments

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

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By RektForLyfe - United States - Wickliffe

Today, I was accepted to the college of my dreams. Then I checked the address. Turns out, the letter was meant for my neighbor. I was actually denied. FML

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By failing - United States - Greenbelt

Today, my grandpa passed away. The only emotion my dad showed was anger, because my grandpa owed my dad money. Now he wants to take it from my grandma, like he's some sort of mobster. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work, a customer gave me a $20 tip. I explained to him we aren't allowed to accept tips, but he insisted. When I called the manager to report it, he pocketed my tip. FML

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By up to no-good... - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my parents accused me of being secretive. I have no idea what they're talking about; all I do is work, go to school, sleep, and eat. Now I'm grounded until I tell them what's going on. I have crazy parents, that's what's going on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after speeding home due to an overflowing bladder, I ran to the bathroom, forgetting that the toilet seat was broken. While doing my business, the toilet seat and I both slid off the bowl. FML

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By PerfectVision - United States - Long Beach

Today, I had to decline the sale of alcohol to a man who reeked of booze and was practically falling asleep at my till. He tried to convince me that he wasn't drunk, he was just blind. Still refusing to sell him the beer, he started yelling at me, accusing me of "being racist against the 'blinds'". FML

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By Poordaughter5 - Germany

Today, my parents watched a horror movie with some creepy child in it. Apparently, I sound just like that kid when I call for my mom, so now she doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. FML

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By twitch01 - United States

Today, as a joke, my friends and I decided to put me in a dress and makeup, to creep out a friend. I'm a guy. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I so willingly volunteered to wear the dress and the makeup, or the fact that I thought it was comfy and made me look slim. FML

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By Gennifer - United States - Hackensack

Today, I found out my fiancé has been cheating on me for the past month. The lady he has been seeing is a choreographer that was teaching him how to dance salsa for our wedding rehearsal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad spent 30 minutes incorrectly correcting me about our legal system. He thinks he knows more than me because he's been divorced twice. I'm a lawyer. FML

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By qyx3lmnop24 - United States - Napa

Today, while hanging out with this guy I'm interested in, we turned and made eye contact. We were face to face and I thought he was finally going to kiss me. He decided to lick my face from chin to forehead instead. FML

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By lmaofuck - United States - Westerville

Today, I had a guest at my house. I stood up to shake her hand and kiss her on both cheeks, which is common in my culture. When she was kissing my cheeks, I went the opposite way from her and I ended up kissing her on the lips instead. Her eyes went big and I ran away. FML

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By smoker - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work, and in my car I had two drinks settled down in my cup holder. One was my coffee, and the other was an unfinished cup of coffee where I ash and toss my cigarettes. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to the airport to pick up my long distance boyfriend. Having waited six months for this, I was stoked. After waiting for three hours and sending numerous messages, I was eventually informed I was a week early. FML

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By "jjuuuuuuulless"

Today, my car's parking gear and parking brake failed. I watched as it rolled down a big hill into someone's 2017, $30,000 camper. FML

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By tryon777 - United States

Today, my girlfriend begged me to stay up late and video chat with her because she missed me. Even though I work early mornings, I reluctantly agreed. After waiting up until 2am for her to get online, I gave up. She had fallen asleep. FML

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By icareaboutmyhair - Estonia

Today, I discovered I have dandruff, which I never had before. I googled the possible reasons and those are depression and hormones. Not only have I not had sex for a year, but it's also the reason I have dandruff. And apparently I'm depressed. How sexy is that? FML

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By Randomspaghetti - United States - Lehi

Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML

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By DepressedKid - Canada

Today, I found out that no one actually likes me as a friend. They only like me to get answers for school work. How did I find out? They were talking about it in front of me. Apparently I'm also invisible to them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I flew into Denver. Never being here before, I was excited to see the view from our window. In the middle seat, I leaned over to look - at the same time yawning to relieve pressure in my ears. The yawning caused me to drool on the stranger sitting next to me. FML

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By aliixmaee - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She took everything, including the kidney I gave her a year ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I pulled into a parking lot and waited for a car to back out so I could take their spot. The apparently batshit insane psychopath in the other car managed to completely overlook me waving him out, and backed straight into my car. FML

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By gorillalove - United States

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

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By :(

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend and told him how smitten I was with him. He responded by giving me a wedgie. FML

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By gerligrl97 - United States

Today, along with my virginity, my boyfriend took my laptop, iPhone, TV, and most of the food in my fridge. FML

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By Ulysse - United Kingdom

Today, I bought my new electric razor. I tried it, and washed it. I started to shake it, in order to get rid of the water. It was pretty slippy, and it exploded on the floor of my bathroom. The warranty doesn't cover this, I guess. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up and went into the bathroom and noticed a dark mass in the toilet. Thinking someone took a dump and didn't flush, I approached the toilet ready to dispose of it. That's when I noticed its whiskers and ears. It was a rat, and it was alive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sleeping next to my girlfriend and I turned over to the sound of her talking in her sleep. Because it was so cute, I was happy and I smiled, until she began to talk about "Troy" and "all the nasty things you can do to me." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stamford

Today, my boss entrusted me with his car to run an errand, as I usually take the bus. I managed to get there and back safely before someone slammed into me while I was re-entering the lot, causing major damage. It was his wife, who thought I was a car thief. FML

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By smbcolorado - United States

Today, my husband sent an email invite to his family about our daughter's upcoming birthday. Upon reading the email, his aunt clicked "reply all" while emailing her husband and said, "I'd rather say we're out of town than see that dumb bitch our nephew calls his wife." FML

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By Allergic to Assholes - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I got in trouble with my boss for not showing up to work yesterday. It seems going into anaphylactic shock isn't a valid excuse. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I missed my history exam because they'd changed the day. Apparently they sent out an email to let everyone know. Too bad I'd banned myself from the internet in order to study for the exam. FML

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By ShayanFCB - United States

Today, my boss was angry at me because I had filed a complaint about him refusing to change our phone service to something more reliable. Later, a customer called him and said I had hung up on him. I got fired. I didn't hang up on the customer, the phone service just dropped the call. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proudly presented my research project in class that I've worked for day and night for 3 weeks straight. My teacher fell asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I helped a nice middle-aged lady pick out a sweater. She then opened her changing room door to ask for my opinion. I still don't understand why she had to take everything else off to try on a sweater. FML

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By AkaiKitsune

Today, a customer passed out in the bathroom, so we didn't realize he was there until after closing. I don't know what he'd shot up, but whatever it was told him he should run around naked. It's been two hours and the cops still haven't shown up. I can't leave until he does. FML

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By hobosarea-holes - United States

Today, I picked up a penny off the street for good luck on my job interview. A few seconds later, a hobo beat me up, took my wallet, and ran off. The whole ordeal made me late for the interview. So much for good luck. FML

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Top comments

By pattheaninal | 9

#2156225 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:18

wow. your son is dumb.

By young_al | 4

#2156244 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:20

Sucks for you, make him work and pay for it himself!

COMMENTS

By evan_789 | 7

#2156222 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:18

first?

Rebi3144 | 8

#2156242 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:19

Damn you D:

Zmeilerr | 22

#2156251 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:20

No one cares. Now go back to your bridge, troll.

Zmeilerr | 22

#2156253 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:20

No one cares. Now go back to your bridge, troll.

Themuffinman728 | 0

#2156655 - Sunday 6 March 2011 21:22

Makes perfect sense. I don't see the problem here.

By pattheaninal | 9

#2156225 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:18

wow. your son is dumb.

Kurtis123 | 0

#2156368 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:45

What are you talking about, his son is a genius! *sarcasm*

Achead | 0

#2156665 - Sunday 6 March 2011 21:28

Very

froob | 0

#2156689 - Sunday 6 March 2011 21:37

Fo'real

persianjr1 | 7

#2156791 - Sunday 6 March 2011 22:32

your kid has a strong throw!! haha. two windows?

Morenna4 | 0

#2157165 - Monday 7 March 2011 1:33

lol , actually thts pretty smart lol .

theten_fml | 9

#2157632 - Monday 7 March 2011 5:55

congratulations! it's an idiot

spearhead | 5

#2157660 - Monday 7 March 2011 6:15

86 op lives in Australia football is our soccer not American football

CommonSenseKarma | 17

#2161025 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 6:23

Think it's time for the comparison between stupidity and football, sí?

CalebEatsZombies | 2

#3728003 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 2:28

Fucking ball has a boomerang in it

By ramboman19 | 8

#2156239 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:20

kids do the darndest things!

By young_al | 4

#2156244 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:20

Sucks for you, make him work and pay for it himself!

By RealChinese | 7

#2156258 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:21

your dumb if you didnt make him pay for it or at least not give him allowance or w.e if you do until it adds up to 800$

liindsey | 25

#2156311 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:31

You're dumb if you don't know that the dollar sign goes in front of the money amount.

And by the way? It's "You're* dumb" not "your dumb" for future reference.

Thanatos1206 | 0

#2156378 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:46

Yeah get him 19!! Show him what proper grammar looks like!

breenntt | 0

#2156756 - Sunday 6 March 2011 22:13

First off, some countries in Europe do the currency sign after the number because you don't say "Dollars eight-hundred".

john7h567hgrd | 0

#2157116 - Monday 7 March 2011 1:10

Ya but this is America where our grammar makes no fucking sense... so up yours!!

RealChinese | 7

#2157307 - Monday 7 March 2011 2:44

my bad i didn't know i was writing an essay for school sorry teach

ForeverAloneGuy | 1

#2157411 - Monday 7 March 2011 3:40

Can't you read? He's a real Chinese, he doesn't care about non-mandarin grammar.

andinho | 0

#2157652 - Monday 7 March 2011 6:10

his allowance would need to be pretty big to pay it off

lmfao_shame | 9

#2157654 - Monday 7 March 2011 6:11

LOL GOOD ONE

spearhead | 5

#2157662 - Monday 7 March 2011 6:18

hi 122 :)

PushMyButtons | 5

#2157758 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:02

crap it was 101 still. I love it.

always_smile_fml | 3

#2158094 - Monday 7 March 2011 9:41

you're sad

ligerzz | 0

#2159147 - Monday 7 March 2011 17:05

19, it's "And by the way,", not a question mark tyvm.

TYDIRocks | 2

#2159560 - Monday 7 March 2011 20:25

If it was an allowance wouldn't it still be coming out of OP's pocket? lol

By stun23 | 8

#2156260 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:22

:((( dang

By demetrius19 | 7

#2156266 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:22

u need to beat the hell out of him because thats the stupidest hing i ever heard.

newfiegirl | 8

#2156324 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:34

someone needs to beat the hell outta you, for even saying they should beat the kid.. you have issues.

ScuseMePrincess | 2

#2156408 - Sunday 6 March 2011 19:52

There's nothing wrong with beating a bad kid. Obviously, you shouldn't strike a child with a clenched fist, but spanking never hurt anybody.

Zomg_Okay | 26

#2156458 - Sunday 6 March 2011 20:08

Except the people getting spanked.

o76923 | 8

#2156489 - Sunday 6 March 2011 20:19

and all the people the spanked kid eventually beats up because they are taught violence is an appropriate response to anger.

newfiegirl | 8

#2156988 - Sunday 6 March 2011 23:57

spanking and beating are two different things..
10 clearly said "beat the hell" out of hiim.. obviously abuse.

iluffmcrandbvb | 1

#2157564 - Monday 7 March 2011 4:53

oh yeah spanking never hurt anybody except for the person that got spanked. ppl who abuse kids are horrible, vile people.

Grimmerie | 31

#2158193 - Monday 7 March 2011 10:28

i was spanked as a kid. as a result, i know if i fuck around i'll be punished. i have never, would never, and will never wilfully cause harm to befall another human being or animal. spanking =/= child abuse.

Dragons_corner | 6

#2158511 - Monday 7 March 2011 13:00

I was spanked and I don't go beating people up. I plan on spanking mine too.

also 96 I believe 56 might be right. I say to my parents and they say it to "I would gave beat the shut out of you" and they and me mean spank.

cptmorgan15 | 2

#2159366 - Monday 7 March 2011 19:09

This is why I dislike freedom of speech. Everything on FML turns into a huge, neverending internet argument. Stop stating your opinions people, nobody cares.