Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by showing up at his place unannounced with some take-out food. I got there just in time to see him leave his block of flats with another girl. FML
Today, my boyfriend found a take-out menu under my bed. It's probably been there for months. He looked at it and said, "Well, that explains a lot." FML
Today, I surprised my boyfriend with lunch at work. He surprised me too, when I caught him making out with one of his coworkers. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML
Today, my boyfriend came round to drop off some underwear, which I'd left at his house. Not all of what he brought was mine. FML
Today, on the way out to buy groceries, my boyfriend asked if I'd like him to buy some of my favourite flowers. Happy with his rare show of affection, I said yes. When he returned, he gave me a bag of our usual brand of flour and laughed hysterically in my face. FML
Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment to surprise him with breakfast only to find that his other girlfriend had beat me to it. FML
Today, I got off work early to go home and surprise my girlfriend with lunch, only to come home to her in the middle of packing up all of her stuff. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his house. Apparently, I ruined the surprise party he'd planned for me, and now he’s upset with me. FML
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Top comments
steviesnm 6
Do you have a dog? They're pretty good at leaving surprises on driveways also.
StoryOfTheYear 15
Not quite a new Lexus?
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Comments (148)
LukeSkywalker28 0
What's the problem?
steviesnm 6
Do you have a dog? They're pretty good at leaving surprises on driveways also.
trollfaced 2
Horse poop or cow poop works 10 times better
BatteryAddict 11
Pre-dinner mayonnaise! It's good for you.
steviesnm 6
Dog poop is slightly easier to come by for the average citizen. Hell, just shit on his driveway op.
CaptainCola 7
So I have to admit, I got pretty happy when I read this comment and it was grammatically correct. It bugs the shit out of me when people don't know their "there/their/they're". Common sense isn't so common nowadays :/
Keyman1212 14
Hey Captain, while you were commending #1 on her proper use of grammar, you failed to use proper punctuation. Periods go at the end of sentences and inside parenthesis, regardless of logical placement.
Miss_Kristen 10
I bet you were surprised though...
CaptainCola 7
Yes I suppose you're correct if I'm writing in "American English." (
_kfchicken 4
You sure it was mayonnaise ? Better find out before you start eating it....
GovernorGeneral 8
So what's the problem ma'am? Mayonnaise isn't good enough for you?
noncomposmentis 6
Keyman: Captain did not use the parenthesis.
Keyman1212 14
You're right, my mistake. Quotation marks were what I meant to say.
elidine 0
That's racist!
elidine 0
It puts the mayo on its skin!
IntenseGas 0
79- I just burst out laughing when I saw the pic of Kermit.
Sammybabbyy 2
I love banging people I meet on hoookupstonight.gu.ma
steviesnm 6
I love when a bunch of grammar nazis all end up messing up and correcting each other. Lmao
newmanlyman3 8
it was a sex pickup of course! mayonnaise looks like ... you know! very odd in my oppinion
Harpy20 24
Shit would have been funnier.
007bawss 0
THAT'S a shitty comment -_-
steviesnm 6
Both of you just.. Please stop.
trollfaced 2
It's funny how #8 said #3's comment was witty, but his is just as shitty
trollfaced 2
As in witty I meant shitty*
boofgall 16
Man, I would've loved that surprise. I love mayo!
Pentium_4 27
fyl, mayo sucks lol
supnowww 0
TROLOLOLOLOL. shit happens
Roevera 14
Really? Shit would have been funnier? Well here, let me have someone shit on your driveway, and you tell us how funny it is.
NeDaroft 5
what's wrong with your face ?
Amrel 10
I wouldnt expect anything good if its left on the driveway
cosmosis 12
Not true. I left my gf's new car in her driveway. Only because i couldnt get it through the front door...
fancyclown 9
I beg to differ. One time I found a really neat couch on a driveway. It was home to a family of raccoons, but they didn't mind us taking it.
kjcookie10 9
It's the new lube he wants to try out!
Torva_fml 16
28- you bought your GIRLFRIEND a new car? Either you're loaded, or you've been together a while....
TrimKibbles 12
Frankly, I'd be pleased of someone left mayonnaise on my driveway.
StoryOfTheYear 15
Not quite a new Lexus?
ShroomsOnAcid 17
It's even better! All you need is a little *rainbow*imaginaaaaaation*rainbow*! Either way, who needs a Lexus when you have mayonaise? And in convenient little single serving sized packets, at that?
StoryOfTheYear 15
You know what... You're completely right. :D **** cars. Until they sell one with a condiment dispenser I'm on your side.
Amrel 10
If imagination is the point here, the boyfriend should have got OP a box. She can be anything she wants in the box, like a racecar driver! All she needs is *rainbow* imaaaaaaginaaaaation*rainbow*
mynameispickle 0
If you need any help with that box thing ask Spongebob.
Jordyn_WhoDat 6
You're cute hahaa
Jordyn_WhoDat 6
You're cute!
trollfaced 2
You should leave a pile of shit on his door step to break even!
thejewishfuhrer 17
That would've surprised anybody. Your boyfriend is such a thoughtful person
yahoowizard 16
Yeah! Screw the car with a bow on top that OP expected. Then it's not a surprise anymore
olibuur 9
d'aawww how romantic :')
xSonic 9
For some reason I thought his gift was gonna be shit.
ClaremoreZebra 8
I think we all did..
Meowingtons500 18
OP- Are you implying you want me to make you a sandwich?! OPs boyfriend- *poker face*
jaronapn13 1
Haha legend
Meowingtons500 18
I try.
sparklecherry 4
Lol!! Good one.