Today, I almost lost my virginity at the age of 34. After years of putting off sex and waiting for marriage, the moment arrived. My new wife could't stop laughing at how small I am. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Same thing different taste
A tale as old as time
Today, I was about to lose my virginity. I couldn't get it up. FML
Today, I lost my virginity. It took all of 30 seconds. FML
Today, I lost my virginity to the woman of my dreams. I finished before entering. I'm 28 years old. FML
"Shortcomings"
Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other, or so I thought. I heard her on the phone with her sister saying that I’m definitely the smallest dick she’s ever had, but the size of my bank account encourages her to overlook my shortcomings. FML
Almost there
Today, at age 31, I was about to finally lose my virginity. As we tumbled onto the bed, an excruciating pain shot through my stomach. It turned out to be a hernia, and no, I didn't get laid in the end. FML
No good
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 7 years. He thrusted as fast as rabbits. I waited years for 10 seconds. FML
Show and tell
Today, it was the first time I was about to have sex with my girlfriend of 3 years, since I'm self-conscious about my size. When she saw it, she started laughing. She was mad I didn't want to continue. FML
Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML
So close…
Today, I was finally all set to lose my virginity. My girlfriend pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my underwear. She then made a face as if she'd just sucked on a lemon, and got up and left without a word. I haven't heard from her since. FML
Top comments
mackdeezy 22
Its not about the size of the boat, rather the motion in the ocean.
KeXu 6
Don't worry you'll always be bigger than me
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (209)
perdix 29
Now, we know why you waited 34 years to whip it out. On the plus side, your wife won't have a choking hazard.
PenguinBitch 43
But they put "choking hazard" labels on small objects. She might not be in deep trouble but she should still be caution.
perdix 29
#32, yes, but these are small parts that can become detached. This guy might not like his penis, but sadly, it can't come off.
Sir_ND_Pity 35
36 - It might not come off, but I'm sure he'd like to get off
AKGirlinSD 20
Why isn't anyone mentioning that penis pumps would enlarge OP's penis, when needed? Also, there are plenty of moves that work with a small penis; it just takes more effort. Either way, the wife was a bitch to laugh at him. If it was a girlfriend, I'd suggest OP leaves her. But they are legally bound so it isn't as easy.
DocBastard 38
Would you ever buy a car without test driving it? Buy a pair of shoes without trying them on? Buy perfume without smelling it first? But you'd get married without taking her out for a spin and kicking the tires first?
starflyer59 17
Well I don't see a problem with it. My husband was my first.
perdix 29
#45, had you seen or felt your husband's penis before you said "I do?"
LuckBeNimble 19
45: true, but did you laugh uncontrollably at how small his penis was until he posted about it on FML and possibly permanently scar his self-esteem?
starflyer59 17
No to both of you.
RedPillSucks 31
were you your husbands first?
starflyer59 17
No again.
MisterEx 28
Are you willing to give this exact advice/example to your daughter, Doc?
SailorM00N 3
I guess it depends how much you hate your daughter - this advice could reduce the likelihood that she will get stuck in a marriage with miserable sex which will likely negatively impact her happiness for years and years. So yes, if you really want her to suffer and be unhappy for the rest of her life, by all means never provide healthy, good advice.
MisterEx 28
113- are you currently an actual father with an actual daughter who is old enough to discuss such things with? (Apparently the current appropriate age for such discussions is 3 these days) If you are, then good for you, I guess. If you are not, you might change your mind later on when you are in said situation and refrain from spewing book theories to your daughter advising her to jump from a lap (putting it lightly here) to another until she finds the perfect fit if ever. Seriously, what happened to couples discussing things? If the sex is bad at first, can't they just talk about it and find ways to enhance it anymore? Are they now doomed in a "lifetime misery or disloyalty" if they try to communicate instead of "hey, let me **** everything that moves -or doesn't- before I get married just to be sure"?
SailorM00N 3
#121, I am not an actual father with an actual daughter who is old enough to discuss such things with. I am a father's daughter and am old enough to discuss such things. Does that make me any less qualified to have an opinion? I am thankful that my parents never advised me to jump from lap to lap, nor to 'save myself for marriage'. They taught me to consider my actions and my decisions carefully, to think about consequences, about what's important, gather all the information I need to choose what I believe is best for me. Of course couples should discuss things and find ways to make sex better. That goes for any couple. Sometimes, these discussions and attempts to improve things just don't work out, for whatever reason, because not all things in life always work out. Wouldn't it be better to know about and address these things during those years of monogamous committed relationship BEFORE saying 'I do'? If you are to trust and love and be with your significant other in marriage, doesn't it make sense that you'd want to know what you're signing up for, in terms of identity, personality, maturity, family, medical history, financial situation? As an important part in a relationship, why would sex not be on that list?
MisterEx 28
125- No, that doesn't make you less qualified to give an opinion, but while your opinion is right, it wont match that of an actual father in said situation. Sex should not be off the list, but it shouldn't be the very first thing on it either. These days people "date" just to have sex and then take it from there. "Yes, I am ste
MisterEx 28
Stupid fingers. 125- No, that doesn't make you less qualified to give an opinion, but while your opinion is right, it wont match that of an actual father in said situation. Sex should not be off the list, but it shouldn't be the very first thing on it either. These days people "date" just to have sex and then take it from there. "Yes, I am stereotyping because a stereotype means the majority and its stereotyped for a reason". I agree with you that sometimes discussions can't solve such issues, but then again as you said, things changes, and sex becomes worst than when they first "checked" which I believe is far more common than the former case. Also, kindly excuse any type of language mistakes I make. English is not even my third language.
zackikazee42 4
Would you buy underwear with out trying it on? ;)
nahbean13 3
Thank you, 132, I will be using that from now on. That's brilliant.
jayebird66 5
cb1002630 11
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Did she say she wasn't hungry when you offered her your french fry? Or perhaps she thought you were offering her a cigarette.
MissMollie_85 12
"it's not small, it's thin!"
MetallicaFTW 16
Still sad...
MissMollie_85 12
sad but true ;)
LeeRed 15
Lol, that was a "downer"
parkwaydrive7 9
Ouch..that's rough, sorry OP
xeka 10
Ouch, man.. :/
PenguinBitch 43
What? Did OP "poke" you?
OlgaCornmuffin 7
That's when you point & laugh & say..."jokes on you! I got papers on your ass now!" Lol. in all seriousness though, it's not the size that makes love making amazing. It's knowing each other's "buttons." Lol *pulls out sex ed poster board*
perdix 29
#25, he's gotta use that nubbin for rubbin'.
OlgaCornmuffin 7
as Buckwheat would say, "Looking for nub in all the wrong places" or SOMETHING along those lines. Lol. (OLD Saturday Night Live reference)
geekjennt 6
True love right there. You wait for her and she laughs. Awesome.
xeka 10
My sides..