Work: Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing... - FML

By Dirty_Mind_69 - United States - Shreveport

Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing nothing but an apron. She pulled me into her room and things went great. At least, they did before I woke up in the break room with my coworkers and boss all gathered around, listening to me talking in my sleep. FML

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Zoomed out

Dodged a bullet

Fuck the patriarchy

By Beccarr - United Kingdom

Today, it was boiling hot so my boyfriend and I decided to sunbathe in the garden and ended up falling asleep for a few hours. Not only is my back so burnt that I can't lie down, I also have a white hand print on my upper back where my boyfriend had left his arm while we slept. FML

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By wtf mom - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my very drunk mom called me to confess that she was the girl that my boyfriend left me for two years ago. FML

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By Uglyshirts - South Africa

Today, I was the first one to wear the ugly corporate shirts we received. The people in my office-all of them guys were all saying that it looked a lot better than they thought it would. Later that day I went to the toilet and saw the shirt gapes open in front and you could see my boobs. FML

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By Queen_Dread - United States - Ocean Park

Today, my fiancé and I appeared in the paper for obtaining our marriage license. In the same column half way down his parents appeared for filing their marriage dissolution petition. FML

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By LifeInShambles

Today, I decided to turn my life around by finding a job, going to a gym, and getting counselling. Counselling is £145 a month. A gym would be £50 a month minimum, and there's an 8-year gap in my resumé, and everyone says no one will hire me because of it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired from my job at a small start-up company. Why? The CEO wanted to give a job to one of his former fraternity brothers who is out of work, and they couldn't afford to keep us both. FML

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By ROBERT - United States - Cresskill

Today, I actually had to explain to two of my friends that neither Alaska nor Nebraska are in Canada. I think I need new friends. FML

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By ineedalifekay - Canada

Today, none of my 500 Facebook friends responded to my status about "who wants to hang out during summer holidays?" I created an imaginary person on a different account to respond and ask me to hang out with him. I had a conversation on my status, with myself. FML

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By PrincessCrippled

Today, a close friend tried to kill me by running me over with her car. Why? Because I didn't want to share the pain meds I had due to a third-degree burn. My leg is now broken in 3 places, my ankle is shattered, and I have to use a walker because I'm too clumsy for crutches. FML

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By naomids - United States

Today, my mom asked me to help pick out clothes for my grandma to wear in her casket. I didn't know she'd died. FML

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By cc - United States

Today, I lent my sister $1000 because she and her husband were in some debt. They used the money to go gambling in Vegas and won a major jackpot. They won't even give me a cut. FML

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By porn daddy

Today, my drunk dad went off on a tangent about his porn watching habits to the whole family. FML

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By judge not, ye cunt - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was overseeing a nativity play rehearsal. Things went fairly well, until a boy's grandma stormed in, ranting that Christmas is a "Pagan abomination", and shouting for him and his mom to leave with her. Half the kids were left in tears, and we had to cancel the rehearsal. FML

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By dazed and confused - United States - Tampa

Today, I got kicked out of my band by the guy who quit two weeks ago. The bad part? Everyone else agreed with him. FML

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By alopez1994

Today, I noticed this guy crying in the park. I went up to him to see what was wrong. Apparently his girlfriend broke up with him, and he also said he wanted to kill himself. My first response was "Don't, you'll regret it later in life". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I punched the air enthusiastically after getting an impossible question right. Unfortunately, above me was an old fashioned mole trap, with 6 small spikes and 2 large ones. I now have 6 puncture wounds in my hand, and two in my shoulder, as it fell off the hook it was hanging on. FML

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By anon - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I went to 7-11, where the cashier asked me if I had the app to get rewards. She then looked at me and said, "Never mind, I can tell you don't." I guess I have no control over my resting bitch face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Durham

Today, my girlfriend lost her virginity. I still have mine, though. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was forced to spend an extra $318 for another plane ticket to Dallas. The ticket wasn't for my daughter, my mom, or my sister, but for the quarter of my butt that apparently needs its own seat. FML

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By Abbynyc - United States - Bay Shore

Today, while running an event, my belt loop got caught in those metal whorls that outdoor chairs have. I couldn't get it undone and had to greet guests by standing up and bringing the chair with me, hanging from my ass. My coworker finally had to cut the belt loop to set me free. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate on the bathroom floor. Somehow my nose managed to start bleeding, so he bent me over the tub and kept going because he didn't want to "ruin the moment". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, my husband told his parents that he was quitting his job so that he could focus on school. They asked him what he was going to do for money. When I told them that I'd be the one working, they took one look at me and burst into laughter. FML

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By Madeline Lee - France - Pessac

Today, I woke up to the sight of a zucchini and a condom on my bedside table, along with a note saying "I know it's tough being single." Apparently my mom has boundary issues, my dad will laugh at anything, and the fact I just got dumped means nothing. FML

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By volleyballgirl - United States

Today, at my volleyball tournament I was extremely pumped to start playing so I went to take my sweats off and everybody began to stare at me then I looked down to come to realize I had no spandex on, just a thong. FML

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By hero to zero - United States

Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML

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By monkey - United States - Logan

Today, my daughter told me she is pregnant. The father is the foreign exchange student who just moved back to Germany. FML

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By I don't condome that, babe - United States - Lutz

Today, I overheard my boyfriend saying to his friends, "I never knew what real contraception was until I saw Laura's face." I'm Laura. FML

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By c - United States - Denham Springs

Today, my boss bitched at me because my body language "indicates that you don't enjoy doing your job". I just have scoliosis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket while I was in the car. I didn't even notice it happen. Ninja cops do exist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Remus

Today, my sister brought me coffee to my office. It was really nice so I made a status about it on Facebook. My boyfriend texted me soon after, freaking out because I never put anything on Facebook about him and how great he is. I'm basically dating a 14-year-old girl. FML

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By boner - United States

Today, I was spacing out in French class and randomly got an erection. My professor called on me to stand up at the front of the room and say, "I am wearing a belt," in French. Not everyone was observing just my belt. FML

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By DemiRawrs - United States

Today, my mom accused me of being pregnant. She wouldn't believe me when I told her I'm a virgin, and she challenged me to take a pregnancy test. It came back with a false positive. FML

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By straightasaneedle - Germany

Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML

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By Lou - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the supermarket; it was taking me ages to walk home because of the heavy food bags. Halfway home, I realised I had gone in my car. I had to walk all the way back to get my car. FML

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By themcdave - United Kingdom - Cranfield

Today, I woke up early for an important team meeting I needed to attend. I washed, got changed, and sat down to eat breakfast... I then woke up again, an hour late and covered in cereal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Reno

Today, at the age of 20, I still have a bed time. It is strictly enforced by my cat via endless meows if I am up past 11 pm. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, while on a six hour flight, someone offered to pay me $20 to swap seats with them. It seemed like a great deal, so I immediately accepted and moved to my new seat. I didn't realize my new neighbor was an old man with a raging boner. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Falkirk

Today, my 10-year-old son told my 5-year-old daughter that we're a ghost family, and told her to run through our glass door to see for herself. She believed it, ran straight into the door, and ended up having to be taken to hospital. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was feeling sick so I decided to lay down. As soon as I did, I felt the sudden urge to throw up, so I ran to the bathroom. When I bent over the toilet to throw up, my glasses fell in along with my vomit. Before I had a chance to retrieve them, I threw up again. And again. FML

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By sprocket - Hong Kong

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend of one year - "why is someone as smart, funny and as handsome as you with someone like me?" he replied - "opposites attract." FML

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Top comments

By oicu812xD | 16

#5589501 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:25

At least they didn't ruin the dream by waking you up

By JoeGrant | 12

#5589497 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:24

It's an omen, and I'm sure your co-workers will laugh and so will you. Don't worry so much!

COMMENTS

By JoeGrant | 12

#5589497 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:24

It's an omen, and I'm sure your co-workers will laugh and so will you. Don't worry so much!

Reply

LeFrogDog | 27

#5589548 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:44

sounds like a wet dream

Reply

jessBeAqueen | 13

#5589590 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:16

no sounds like a great opportunity for a worldstar video!

Reply

NakedandScared | 8

#5589609 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:31

Well you don't seem very nice.

Reply

Crometer | 23

#5589715 - Saturday 20 July 2013 19:13

That's what I was thinking, unless he works with a bunch of rude people.

By oicu812xD | 16

#5589501 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:25

At least they didn't ruin the dream by waking you up

Reply

boredSOLDIER | 33

#5589554 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:48

That was considerate of them.

Reply

cottoncandymango | 17

#5589721 - Saturday 20 July 2013 19:23

Sleeping on the job, eh?

Reply

retyi43 | 14

#5589932 - Saturday 20 July 2013 22:57

sleeping AND wet-dreaming on the job...

Reply

salazara | 10

#5590065 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:00

You're Fired

Reply

deepunder | 17

#5593452 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 6:52

U know what to do. Go back to sleep

By anon80214 | 15

#5589502 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:26

You won't be living that one down anytime soon. FYL

By Uramonkey | 11

#5589503 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:26

Maybe you should put your mind and your sleep elsewhere when you are at work...

Reply

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5589890 - Saturday 20 July 2013 22:02

Where would you put 'sleep'?

Reply

arsenicalhumor | 30

#5589977 - Sunday 21 July 2013 0:11

I put it in the fridge to keep it nice and cool.

Reply

lbrown66 | 12

#5590109 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:15

Who puts sleep in the fridge? It goes hard, you need to keep it in the cupboard!

Reply

clemsi | 20

#5590419 - Sunday 21 July 2013 8:48

to hell with both of those suggestions....I put mine in the freezer so I can save it to pass the winner months quickly

Reply

Kelsey_709 | 9

#5591349 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:03

He said "break room", so OP was probably just napping on his break. Doesn't mean he was slacking.

By peterubino | 2

#5589504 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:26

Was ur cock outta ur pants

Reply

Uramonkey | 11

#5589515 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:29

Lets just hope he didn't have a wet dream and woke up with sticky pants. His coworkers wouldn't let him live that one down for sure ;)

Reply

darwinism | 30

#5589542 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:41

Sounds like yours was during English class # 5

Reply

Uramonkey | 11

#5589680 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:34

Seems like wet dreams are too taboo for FML with all these comments being thumbed down. It's ok girls, they are only natural ;)

Reply

ygdrassil | 17

#5589808 - Saturday 20 July 2013 20:12

Nothing is too taboo for FML.

Reply

BlueFlatts | 20

#5589907 - Saturday 20 July 2013 22:22

Taboo list:
•Bad English
•Bad jokes
•Bad puns
•Pointless comments.

Correct?

Reply

drewflav | 17

#5590330 - Sunday 21 July 2013 6:05

49 - you're missing one more on your list. Thumbing down DocBastard.

By iAlissa | 34

#5589505 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:27

Dreams make reality suck.

Reply

deepunder | 17

#5593454 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 6:54

Like the one where I was driving a car during an apocalypse. Loved the dream since I was driving a car before I got a permit.

Reply

GAeroNKissR | 26

#6473829 - Monday 30 November 2015 3:07

not if you make your dreams reality...

By HortonThelephant | 15

#5589507 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:27

Hopefully your pillow talk was at least good enough to pique the attention of a lady coworker or two ;)

By HortonThelephant | 15

#5589516 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:30

Strike my previous comment if you'd please. I can just envision it going something like: "Hey there girl. I brought the spicy chorizo to kick up your night" or something equally terrible...

By WhoopWhoop321 | 18

#5589518 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:31

Who cooks with just an apron on?? ;)

Reply

thewife5 | 19

#5589567 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:55

Woman who want laid the minute their man walks in the door. Cooking + nudity = almost every mans fantasy.

Reply

pilotjones | 6

#5589617 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:38

he's absolutely right

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5589656 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:13

only better if they're cooking bacon.

Reply

BlueFlatts | 20

#5589909 - Saturday 20 July 2013 22:25

Why is it always bacon?

Reply

Tiagoroth | 10

#5589974 - Sunday 21 July 2013 0:05

Because bacon is the best sustenance on Earth.

Reply

bazoo42 | 25

#5590165 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:49

Never cook bacon while naked. The hot grease spatters everywhere you don't want it...

By Wizardo | 33

#5589519 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:31

This is why I'm a Wizard and no, I'm not dreaming - you can't wake me up! :'(