Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing... - FML

By Dirty_Mind_69 - 20/7/2013 08:35 - United States - Shreveport

Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing nothing but an apron. She pulled me into her room and things went great. At least, they did before I woke up in the break room with my coworkers and boss all gathered around, listening to me talking in my sleep. FML

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Abuse

Gratitude walks

Noise

By anne - 17/12/2011 03:46 - United States

Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML

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By GlassJAwkidE - 29/10/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I learned there is a taste difference between grabbing a glass of milk that has been sitting on your night table for a week and the one you put on there 3 minutes before. FML

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By not_dead_yet - 28/6/2009 07:54 - United States

Today, it was my first big time art show. To celebrate I went out to lunch with some people who's work was also there. When we got back police were every where. Someone had broken and stolen all of the art. All except mine. Even burglars don't want my art. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2012 23:39 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, the office I work at put up a "No Masturbating at Desks" sign. I'm disappointed by this, not because I usually whack off at my desk, but because enough people do that there needs to be a sign against it. FML

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By drinkdrankdrunk - 27/9/2013 07:33 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

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By mandie - 13/11/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend of six months over to meet my family. When my grandpa saw her, he said, "What a waste of good breeding stock." FML

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By UnboundA - 7/6/2016 16:27 - United States - Ruckersville

Today, I loaded up a cart at work with all the things that take me the longest to stock, figuring I'd just get it over with. My manager decided to use that cart to time me and measure my efficiency. FML

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By two-hours-to-pick-up - 9/10/2009 09:46 - Australia

Today, I was in a fancy department store. I was wearing my travel backpack. I was turning around after paying at the checkout and my backpack hit a metre-tall display covered with necklaces. It went crashing to the floor, hitting another display table laden with jewelry that collapsed under it. FML

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By anonymous - 8/10/2011 15:36 - Sri Lanka

Today, I decided to make home made french fries. I figured all I needed was potatoes and salt, right? Wrong! I also needed the fire department and an ambulance. FML

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By chubrubber - 4/9/2016 18:57 - United States - Bronx

Today, I participated in a walk for charity. Even though I was supposed to walk 5K, I stopped after 3K because the pain from my thighs rubbing together nearly sent me to tears. FML

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By anyoi - 25/4/2012 22:43 - United States - Rocklin

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents over dinner. During the meal, he excused himself to the bathroom, and when he didn't come back after a few minutes, I went to check up on him. I ended up finding him in the living room, pocketing a pack of ambien from my mom's bag. FML

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By Wolf145 - 11/10/2012 05:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a haunted house opened up next to my restaurant and they've gotten into the habit of scaring me as I'm cleaning up at night. They stay open for another month. FML

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By 420dits - 26/1/2010 01:16 - Canada

Today, my crush went on webcam on MSN. He looked really adorable, so I took about 6 screen shots and copied them into paint. I accidentally took a screenshot of my screen with all the pictures on paint and copied it into the conversation. FML

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By mook05 - 21/10/2010 02:04 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 6 months is not actually on vacation with her cousin but is moving in with her fiancé. FML

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By HomeAlone - 24/4/2016 04:45 - United States

Today, I went into the bathroom and got angry upon finding that once again, no one had bothered to put on a new roll of toilet paper. And then I remembered that I live alone. FML

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By qhu - 23/10/2010 02:15 - United States

Today, I was disciplining one of my students for behavior, and he started to roll his eyes every time I was trying to teach the lesson. So I threatened to write him up. After looking closely at the student, I realized he has a lazy roaming eye. FML

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By fatty - 21/11/2012 06:20 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I yet again purposely avoided the 'Health and Fitness' section on pinterest to keep my self-esteem up. FML

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By Jen_ - 26/1/2012 22:08 - France

Today, I had a swollen knee, and was slowly limping to the toilet. All of a sudden, my mom ran past me, beating me to it. As she closed the door, she said, "AT LEAST I CAN RUN!" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2013 07:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I bought $250 worth of groceries and was feeling rather good about myself because it's the first time I've been able to do so in months. When I returned home I found my fridge/freezer broken. Most of the food I bought was dairy or frozen. FML

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By pinkrazrgirl247 - 3/7/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when a man behind me tapped me on the shoulder. He gave a $5 bill and said that he thought I had dropped it. Not having the integrity to turn him down, I took it. I spent the next 20 minutes being chased by a crazy hobo who claimed that it was his. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2019 20:02

Today, my brother has two broken arms and needs help wiping his own ass. Bonus, he has bad diarrhoea from the food poisoning he got from the shrimp he made me hand-feed him yesterday. FML

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By RoommateWanted - 10/9/2013 21:02 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my roommate unexpectedly came home with a new puppy. I'm severely allergic to dogs. When I reminded her of this, she explained that the puppy was her family now and if I didn't like it I should move out because blood is thicker than water. My roommate is my sister. FML

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By one sorry mom - 5/9/2017 04:31

Today, at the mall, my 4-year-old son threw up on a man's shoes. When he approached me, I immediately machine-gun mouthed him in public. The man apparently is a doctor and concernedly said that my son may have a rare gastric disease based on the puke. I got him checked, and he's right. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 23:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML

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By Ngbaheir - 20/6/2015 02:36 - United Kingdom

Today, after weeks of my crazy girlfriend avoiding me because she knew I wanted to break up with her, I had no option but to do it by text. She told all my friends, who now think I'm a coward who isn't man enough to break up in person. They didn't even ask for my side of the story. FML

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By strongjon60 - 7/2/2012 15:07 - United States

Today, at my internship, I was told we were going to do something fun. I was excited, until I found out that this "fun" thing was labeling 500 folders. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 23:03

Dead to me

Today, and for the last week, I've been dreaming only to wake up when my dream-self commits suicide. I'm generally a happy person, so I've no idea why my subconscious is killing me so often. This time, I stuck my face in an industrial-size blender. I can still feel my jaw rattling from the impact. FML

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By delamer - 29/1/2012 16:00 - United States

Today, I found out we have new neighbors in our apartment complex that park in the stall next to our truck. Turns out their car is the same make of our truck. And it also turns out that when I unlock our truck it will set off their car alarm - every time. FML

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By Vicky - 26/12/2009 20:47 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend went to kiss me as we were walking home. It was very icy and he slipped. His teeth went through my lip. FML

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By it's v - 17/3/2018 08:00 - United States - Denver

Today, after my flight arrived late, I ran 60 gates to get my connecting flight. I sprinted up to the gate agent, completely out of breath, and he looked at me, shut the door, and said, “The door is shut. You’re too late.” FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2012 00:56 - United Kingdom - March

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she never takes dumps. I told her that as long as she eats, it's a biological impossibility, but she seems to have genuinely deluded herself into thinking it's true, purely because she is a girl. FML

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By Trimacle - 24/8/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I went to the House of Horrors at Universal Studios. People dressed up as monsters would jump at us, and I was so freaked out that I tripped. My equally terrified mom fell on top of me. Frankenstein's monster was nice enough to ask us if we were alright. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML

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By - 31/12/2009 03:21 - France

Today, my first (and only true) date ended with the girl saying "Thanks for dinner, I was hungry - and oh, by the way, I'm a lesbian". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 00:15 - Brazil - Jacare

Today, my mom started her new job; she's now my new coworker. She's already told the other girl I'd said she talks too much, and has berated me for not calling her "mom" while at work. FML

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By oh no - 22/6/2015 20:58 - United States - Vallejo

Today, I went to my girlfriend's parents' house for lunch. I ended up in the bathroom constipated and remembered reading it's easier to "go" if you are squatting. My girlfriend's dad walked in on me perched on the toilet like an owl. FML

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By fmylife. - 29/11/2010 18:02 - Canada

Today, while I was out of the house, my 6 year old brother stole my new waterproof camera, dunked it into the toilet holding onto the wrist strap, and flushed repeatedly to see if it lived up to its "waterproof promise." It didn't. FML

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By Mandy - 9/5/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I finished a drawing that I spent over 14 hours working on for my mom for Mother's Day. I took it outside to seal it with fixative. I took of the clear lid, shook the can, then sprayed red spray paint all over my art. FML

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By Disappointed Teacher - 10/12/2013 21:32 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I taught a college course with a group of 30 adults. I was educating them on leadership and gave a 25 minute lecture, with examples like Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, and how they changed the world. Then I opened the forum to see who inspired them. The response? Donald Trump. FML

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By loko0909 - 4/1/2016 04:57 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my ex-boyfriend admitted the reason he broke up with me was because he cheated and felt awful about it. The girl is now pregnant, but he swears it isn't his. Guess we'll find out in a few months if my daughter has a sibling. FML

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Top comments

By oicu812xD | 16

#5589501 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:25

At least they didn't ruin the dream by waking you up

By JoeGrant | 12

#5589497 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:24

It's an omen, and I'm sure your co-workers will laugh and so will you. Don't worry so much!

COMMENTS

By JoeGrant | 12

#5589497 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:24

It's an omen, and I'm sure your co-workers will laugh and so will you. Don't worry so much!

Reply

LeFrogDog | 27

#5589548 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:44

sounds like a wet dream

Reply

jessBeAqueen | 13

#5589590 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:16

no sounds like a great opportunity for a worldstar video!

Reply

NakedandScared | 8

#5589609 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:31

Well you don't seem very nice.

Reply

Crometer | 23

#5589715 - Saturday 20 July 2013 19:13

That's what I was thinking, unless he works with a bunch of rude people.

By oicu812xD | 16

#5589501 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:25

At least they didn't ruin the dream by waking you up

Reply

boredSOLDIER | 33

#5589554 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:48

That was considerate of them.

Reply

cottoncandymango | 17

#5589721 - Saturday 20 July 2013 19:23

Sleeping on the job, eh?

Reply

retyi43 | 14

#5589932 - Saturday 20 July 2013 22:57

sleeping AND wet-dreaming on the job...

Reply

salazara | 10

#5590065 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:00

You're Fired

Reply

deepunder | 17

#5593452 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 6:52

U know what to do. Go back to sleep

By anon80214 | 15

#5589502 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:26

You won't be living that one down anytime soon. FYL

By Uramonkey | 11

#5589503 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:26

Maybe you should put your mind and your sleep elsewhere when you are at work...

Reply

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5589890 - Saturday 20 July 2013 22:02

Where would you put 'sleep'?

Reply

arsenicalhumor | 30

#5589977 - Sunday 21 July 2013 0:11

I put it in the fridge to keep it nice and cool.

Reply

lbrown66 | 12

#5590109 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:15

Who puts sleep in the fridge? It goes hard, you need to keep it in the cupboard!

Reply

clemsi | 20

#5590419 - Sunday 21 July 2013 8:48

to hell with both of those suggestions....I put mine in the freezer so I can save it to pass the winner months quickly

Reply

Kelsey_709 | 9

#5591349 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:03

He said "break room", so OP was probably just napping on his break. Doesn't mean he was slacking.

By peterubino | 2

#5589504 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:26

Was ur cock outta ur pants

Reply

Uramonkey | 11

#5589515 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:29

Lets just hope he didn't have a wet dream and woke up with sticky pants. His coworkers wouldn't let him live that one down for sure ;)

Reply

darwinism | 30

#5589542 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:41

Sounds like yours was during English class # 5

Reply

Uramonkey | 11

#5589680 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:34

Seems like wet dreams are too taboo for FML with all these comments being thumbed down. It's ok girls, they are only natural ;)

Reply

ygdrassil | 17

#5589808 - Saturday 20 July 2013 20:12

Nothing is too taboo for FML.

Reply

BlueFlatts | 20

#5589907 - Saturday 20 July 2013 22:22

Taboo list:
•Bad English
•Bad jokes
•Bad puns
•Pointless comments.

Correct?

Reply

drewflav | 17

#5590330 - Sunday 21 July 2013 6:05

49 - you're missing one more on your list. Thumbing down DocBastard.

By iAlissa | 34

#5589505 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:27

Dreams make reality suck.

Reply

deepunder | 17

#5593454 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 6:54

Like the one where I was driving a car during an apocalypse. Loved the dream since I was driving a car before I got a permit.

Reply

GAeroNKissR | 26

#6473829 - Monday 30 November 2015 3:07

not if you make your dreams reality...

By HortonThelephant | 15

#5589507 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:27

Hopefully your pillow talk was at least good enough to pique the attention of a lady coworker or two ;)

By HortonThelephant | 15

#5589516 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:30

Strike my previous comment if you'd please. I can just envision it going something like: "Hey there girl. I brought the spicy chorizo to kick up your night" or something equally terrible...

By WhoopWhoop321 | 18

#5589518 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:31

Who cooks with just an apron on?? ;)

Reply

thewife5 | 19

#5589567 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:55

Woman who want laid the minute their man walks in the door. Cooking + nudity = almost every mans fantasy.

Reply

pilotjones | 6

#5589617 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:38

he's absolutely right

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5589656 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:13

only better if they're cooking bacon.

Reply

BlueFlatts | 20

#5589909 - Saturday 20 July 2013 22:25

Why is it always bacon?

Reply

Tiagoroth | 10

#5589974 - Sunday 21 July 2013 0:05

Because bacon is the best sustenance on Earth.

Reply

bazoo42 | 25

#5590165 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:49

Never cook bacon while naked. The hot grease spatters everywhere you don't want it...

By Wizardo | 33

#5589519 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:31

This is why I'm a Wizard and no, I'm not dreaming - you can't wake me up! :'(