Work: Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing... - FML

By Dirty_Mind_69 - United States - Shreveport

Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing nothing but an apron. She pulled me into her room and things went great. At least, they did before I woke up in the break room with my coworkers and boss all gathered around, listening to me talking in my sleep. FML

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Proactive

Taking stock

Insane parents

By suckstobeme - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what her favorite quality about me was. Her answer, "Your car." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told a girl that she had very pretty eyes. I then had to rinse pepper spray from my own. FML

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By lanu - United States

AAARGH

Today, I woke up sweating and gasping for air after having a terrible nightmare. The nightmare involved my deceased mother-in-law bitching me out for being a bad influence on her daughter and threatening to cut my nuts off. Even in death, she won't leave me be. FML

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By birgz

Today, my roommates sent a relationship request to my one night stand with my Facebook account. She accepted, and sent me a long message confessing her love for me. I can't remember her. FML

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By ribx - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

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By louise. - Australia

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he chose me out of all the hotter girls out there. He told me it's because I have great birthing hips. Apparently I'm having six children. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pardeeville

Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML

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By justme - France

Today, I was about to take a crap when the smoke alarm went off. I ran out of the bathroom and tried to run downstairs. I tripped and shit on myself. The alarm had gone off cause my kid put my wallet in the toaster. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Ramon

Today, my leadership class was trying to decide who would run the kissing booth in our local carnival. Someone suggested me, to which the director replied, "We'd never make any profit with her." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Middleboro

Today, my daughter posted a poem on Facebook about how her father and I abused her for years. It's a complete lie and an obvious attempt to impress her boyfriend, whom she thanked for "rescuing" her. I've received several hateful messages already, along with threats to report me to CPS. FML

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By red - United States - Portland

Today, my ex dropped by to pick up a piece of art he'd left when I threw him out a month ago. While here, he visited the restroom. Tonight, my shampoo smelled like urine. And he called at 11pm to say he'd ''rubbed one out'' on my new boyfriend's toothbrush. FML

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By ... - Canada - Whitby

Today, I called my mobile phone provider to end my contract. A sales rep spent over half an hour trying to convince me to reconsider, and I kept refusing. I ended up breaking down and accepting a "more economical" contract, which I didn't notice costs almost twice as much as the last one. FML

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By bbb

Today, I wasn't able to reply to Facebook chat message immediately, so my friends planned holiday and bought flights without me. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Today, while at a party, my extremely drunk crush came up to me and told me she had a crush on me. She then wanted to have sex with me while she drunk, but since she was under the influence I didn't. Later, when I told her about it, she say denied the fact that she likes me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cabot

Today, I got my dog some weight loss formula food, as she is very overweight. This new food makes her have horrible gas. FML

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By wetqueefa - United States - Union City

Today, I walked in on my mom drenched in tears, barely able to speak. I ran to get her some tissues and a nice cup of tea to calm her down. After a few minutes of sitting in silence, I asked her if she wanted to talk about what happened. She watched an episode of Gossip Girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was telling my entire cocktail party about the time I accidentally flashed my volleyball team at a pool party. While trying to demonstrate how it happened, I accidentally pulled my dress down and flashed everyone again. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had cheated on me with a minor. She is claiming rape and going to put him in jail. He asked me to help him pay for his attorney. FML

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By haggisbowl - United States

Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your vagina?" FML

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By 3lavyaa - United Kingdom

Good morning!

Today, I woke up and the sun was blinding me through my attic window. I have no blinds so I got a poster from my wall and stuck it to the wood on my window with nails. Turn's out I have woodrot, and my entire window fell out. FML

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By Unloving - United States

Today, a man proposed to me in classic style on one knee. Unfortunately, I have been telling this man for the last two months that I don't even want to date him. He thinks I'm playing hard to get and is not giving up. FML

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By JLD - United States

Today, I came home from a four day trip. Apparently, my cat thought I was gone for good and is now very unhappy that I'm home. I know this because she has been positioning herself between me and my husband all night, and hisses every time I try to touch him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

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By yodada - United States

Today, I was pulled over because I looked like a possible suspect for a robbery. While searching me, the police's radio went off and the person on the other line said, "Possible suspect, 5'5", thin" - the officer stopped right then and murmured, "too short and fat" and walked back to his car. FML

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By scribbles1475 - United States

Today, after trying to find the perfect picture for the guy I have a huge crush on, I finally found one and sent it to him. His return picture? Himself in a Batman mask and sombrero. FML

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By FOXYgrandpa441 - United States - Casper

Today, I was getting lunch at a fast food restaurant. My boss was in front of me, and in order to get on his good side I offered to pay. Instead, I got fired because I guess my boss assumed I was making fun of his salary, which I knew nothing about. FML

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By thankzbabe - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML

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By nerdygirl101 - United States

Today, I woke up in pajamas I have never seen before. Usually, I sleep naked, and I live alone in a locked apartment. Then, the elderly woman next door asked for her nightgown back. Apparently, I sleep-walked and knocked on all the doors in my hallway repeatedly. I'm moving. FML

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By PrettyScared - United States - Matthews

Today, my step-brother said to me, "If we weren't related I would fuck you so hard." Mom says I should "be grateful for such a nice compliment." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I traveled to my hometown for a funeral. I'm staying with my family in the house I grew up in. My dad told me they'd "completely renovated" the house. There's still only one bathroom for the seven of us and I'm sleeping on the floor for the entire two weeks. FML

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By badizzle

Helmut Newton strikes back

Today, my art teacher fawned over my friend's photographs of random children and people making out, while she called my picture of an old man looking thoughtful on a pier "creepy" and "voyeuristic." FML

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By Miscellaneous - United Kingdom

Today, I went in for an interview with a firm where I'd done some interning before. After shaking hands with both the directors, I went to shake hands with one of the director's wives, who also works there. Turns out she was going for a hug and kiss on the cheek. I ended up kissing her on the lips. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lawrence

Today, my teenage daughter asked me if accents are hereditary. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a college band rehearsal, and I get a call saying "your car was just hit by a tree!" I said "yeah, right", and hung up on her. Minutes later, the band manager walks in and tells me that my car is totaled. I then went and stood in the rain watching a tree get cut off my car. FML

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By yonanon - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I found out that if a guy you've been dating starts acting weird, there's probably a reason why. Like, perhaps, a wife and two kids. FML

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By Jon - United States

Today, I came home a day after my birthday, and was greeted by my mother who told me "oh I have birthday present for you." She explained that she and my father went on a hike, and handed me my present. I got a F*ing stick for my birthday. FML

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By Hungry

I am hungry

Today, I thought my mother was coming into my room to give me lunch. She gave me cleaning supplies instead. FML

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By - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I've reached a level of tired I didn't think was possible. I've had less than 3 hours sleep in the last 72 hours and have not slept more than 20 minutes each stretch because my newborn is so unsettled. The baby has been peacefully sleeping for the last 3 hours and I can't sleep. FML

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By highlydisgusted - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I went on a first date. He left me standing at a bus stop while he took a dump in some bushes. FML

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By me_the_maniak - India

Today, my parents want me to become a lawyer, all because our family members keep getting into feuds and court cases. I'm a successful developer, and run my own company. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elmwood Park

Today, I was at a diner with friends when we decided to put our phones in the middle of the table on the basis that whoever looks at theirs first has to pay. It was going well, until someone rushed up behind me, slammed my face into the table and ran out with our 4 phones. FML

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Top comments

By oicu812xD | 16

#5589501 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:25

At least they didn't ruin the dream by waking you up

By JoeGrant | 12

#5589497 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:24

It's an omen, and I'm sure your co-workers will laugh and so will you. Don't worry so much!

COMMENTS

By JoeGrant | 12

#5589497 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:24

It's an omen, and I'm sure your co-workers will laugh and so will you. Don't worry so much!

Reply

LeFrogDog | 27

#5589548 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:44

sounds like a wet dream

Reply

jessBeAqueen | 13

#5589590 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:16

no sounds like a great opportunity for a worldstar video!

Reply

NakedandScared | 8

#5589609 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:31

Well you don't seem very nice.

Reply

Crometer | 23

#5589715 - Saturday 20 July 2013 19:13

That's what I was thinking, unless he works with a bunch of rude people.

By oicu812xD | 16

#5589501 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:25

At least they didn't ruin the dream by waking you up

Reply

boredSOLDIER | 33

#5589554 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:48

That was considerate of them.

Reply

cottoncandymango | 17

#5589721 - Saturday 20 July 2013 19:23

Sleeping on the job, eh?

Reply

retyi43 | 14

#5589932 - Saturday 20 July 2013 22:57

sleeping AND wet-dreaming on the job...

Reply

salazara | 10

#5590065 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:00

You're Fired

Reply

deepunder | 17

#5593452 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 6:52

U know what to do. Go back to sleep

By anon80214 | 15

#5589502 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:26

You won't be living that one down anytime soon. FYL

By Uramonkey | 11

#5589503 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:26

Maybe you should put your mind and your sleep elsewhere when you are at work...

Reply

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5589890 - Saturday 20 July 2013 22:02

Where would you put 'sleep'?

Reply

arsenicalhumor | 30

#5589977 - Sunday 21 July 2013 0:11

I put it in the fridge to keep it nice and cool.

Reply

lbrown66 | 12

#5590109 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:15

Who puts sleep in the fridge? It goes hard, you need to keep it in the cupboard!

Reply

clemsi | 20

#5590419 - Sunday 21 July 2013 8:48

to hell with both of those suggestions....I put mine in the freezer so I can save it to pass the winner months quickly

Reply

Kelsey_709 | 9

#5591349 - Monday 22 July 2013 2:03

He said "break room", so OP was probably just napping on his break. Doesn't mean he was slacking.

By peterubino | 2

#5589504 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:26

Was ur cock outta ur pants

Reply

Uramonkey | 11

#5589515 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:29

Lets just hope he didn't have a wet dream and woke up with sticky pants. His coworkers wouldn't let him live that one down for sure ;)

Reply

darwinism | 30

#5589542 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:41

Sounds like yours was during English class # 5

Reply

Uramonkey | 11

#5589680 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:34

Seems like wet dreams are too taboo for FML with all these comments being thumbed down. It's ok girls, they are only natural ;)

Reply

ygdrassil | 17

#5589808 - Saturday 20 July 2013 20:12

Nothing is too taboo for FML.

Reply

BlueFlatts | 20

#5589907 - Saturday 20 July 2013 22:22

Taboo list:
•Bad English
•Bad jokes
•Bad puns
•Pointless comments.

Correct?

Reply

drewflav | 17

#5590330 - Sunday 21 July 2013 6:05

49 - you're missing one more on your list. Thumbing down DocBastard.

By iAlissa | 34

#5589505 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:27

Dreams make reality suck.

Reply

deepunder | 17

#5593454 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 6:54

Like the one where I was driving a car during an apocalypse. Loved the dream since I was driving a car before I got a permit.

Reply

GAeroNKissR | 26

#6473829 - Monday 30 November 2015 3:07

not if you make your dreams reality...

By HortonThelephant | 15

#5589507 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:27

Hopefully your pillow talk was at least good enough to pique the attention of a lady coworker or two ;)

By HortonThelephant | 15

#5589516 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:30

Strike my previous comment if you'd please. I can just envision it going something like: "Hey there girl. I brought the spicy chorizo to kick up your night" or something equally terrible...

By WhoopWhoop321 | 18

#5589518 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:31

Who cooks with just an apron on?? ;)

Reply

thewife5 | 19

#5589567 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:55

Woman who want laid the minute their man walks in the door. Cooking + nudity = almost every mans fantasy.

Reply

pilotjones | 6

#5589617 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:38

he's absolutely right

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5589656 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:13

only better if they're cooking bacon.

Reply

BlueFlatts | 20

#5589909 - Saturday 20 July 2013 22:25

Why is it always bacon?

Reply

Tiagoroth | 10

#5589974 - Sunday 21 July 2013 0:05

Because bacon is the best sustenance on Earth.

Reply

bazoo42 | 25

#5590165 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:49

Never cook bacon while naked. The hot grease spatters everywhere you don't want it...

By Wizardo | 33

#5589519 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:31

This is why I'm a Wizard and no, I'm not dreaming - you can't wake me up! :'(