By Anonymous

"shortcomings"

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other, or so I thought. I heard her on the phone with her sister saying that I’m definitely the smallest dick she’s ever had, but the size of my bank account encourages her to overlook my shortcomings. FML

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Very fishy

Great guy

Toxic parents

By KiloLima01 - Australia

Today, I met a really hot chick while waiting for the bus. We spoke for 4 hours till we got to our destination. She hugged me and we parted ways. Later that day I realised she stole my phone. FML

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By "cowboy_gold "

Don't ignore neighbor

Today, I came back to my dorm only to find the noise of my neighbor having loud sex. I thought I was talking in my head when I said at least do it against the other wall. But, when I was leaving later, he walked by apologizing and said that he thought that I was not there, then promised to do more quietly next time. FML

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By worst day of my life

Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML

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By j1hill33 - United States

Today, my dad told my little brother that Tokyo is in China. This is the same guy that yells at me every time I get a "B" on a report card. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 23:03

Preventive measures

Today, a year after I moved out with no contact since, my former housemates texted me out of the blue to tell me I'm not invited to their wedding. Seems she thought I'd just turn up and "embarrass" myself. I never indicated that I intended or even wanted to go. FML

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By Anonymous - Portugal - Alhandra

Today, my boyfriend thinks he's discovered a big conspiracy by dentists to sell toothpaste. He's arguing that nobody needs to brush their teeth, ever, because all the "new plaque" from food will dissolve the "old plaque", and the only thing he needs to use is breath spray. FML

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By booste - Canada

Today, I was written up because my manager heard me insulting a customer. How did I insult her? I called her grandma. Who did I say this to? My grandma. FML

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By TwinDad - United States

Today, one of my three-year-old twin daughters asked, "Dad, can we get a cat?" I replied in a gentle dad voice, "No, honey, dad is allergic to cats. That means they make him sneeze and sniffle. So we can't get a cat. Sorry." After a slight pause, the other asked, "When you die can we get a cat?" FML

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By Country - 12/2/2021 14:30 - United States - Huntsville

Happy Valentine's…

Today, I finally got my stimulus check and was big excited to be able to cash it and buy Valentine's Day gifts. The very second turn out of our driveway, dude and I got T-boned. Our only vehicle, with only two payments remaining, appears totalled. FML

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By Ama_544347571 - Sierra Leone

Today, a customer came to my shop and asked our shop assistant if we had Smart TVs. She replied, "No we only have LG and Samsung." FML

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By Wowsers. - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML

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By single again - United States - Chico

Today, I'm a police officer who had the honor of arresting my girlfriend of 3 months for prostitution. All of my coworkers at the station know her and won't stop giving me judging looks. FML

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By christmaswillneverend - United States - Red Lion

Today, at my four-year-old daughter's insistence, I looked for - and found - a radio station that plays "Santa music" all year round. She's ecstatic and I can't turn it off without upsetting her. FML

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By chao - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she thought of us getting married some day. She said she wasn't sure about me yet and that we may want to go in different directions soon. We've been dating for three years and I had the ring in my pocket at the moment. FML

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By rydawg79 - United States

Today, I finished moving out of my apartment and decided to clean the fridge before I left. I pulled out a drawer that I never used and was shocked to find a moldy, rotten, decayed watermelon. I remembered that I had bought a watermelon the first week I moved into the apartment. Four years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tracy

Today, it took a whole half hour of scratching my head before I realized with horror that the weird tickling sensation I'd been feeling was actually a spider crawling around in my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Lane Cove

Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall". Before I could say "asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I sparkled because of this glitter bar my mother got me from Lush. I didn't realize until after I got out of the shower that it wasn't just ordinary soap. I tried to wipe off the glitter. It wouldn't come off. FML

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By pissedexworker - United States

Today, I found out that being rushed unconscious to the hospital and missing work qualifies you for termination if you don't call in, even if you have a note from the ER doctor. FML

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By crippled shopper - United States - Streamwood

Today, I went shopping first thing in the morning to avoid the crowd. Having recently had surgery on my knee, I used an electric scooter to shop. The scooter died in the middle of the store. No one was around to help me. FML

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By B_McG - Canada

Today, I found out that my mother has been purposely wrecking every relationship I've had since junior high because ''no one is good enough for her little girl''. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Houghton Le Spring

Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight to leave for Hawaii when I received an urgent call from my neighbour saying that my house had been broken into. After rushing home and missing my flight, I had to explain to the police that my house wasn't burgled, it was just very messy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

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By Travellingluck

Today, after a week of severe gastroenteritis that required a hospital stay, I was finally feeling well enough to go in the pool at our holiday resort. My fiance slipped on the edge of the pool and we're back in the hospital. Happy vacation! FML

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By liilii - India - Trivandrum

Today, I woke up to the sight of a dead fly on my bedside table, being eaten by a swarm of ants. I screamed so bad that my dad said he thought my sister was being murdered in my room. FML

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By 7rafe7 - United States

Today, I learned that standing next to a hobo doesn't make me look better in comparison, but instead just makes me seem like a hobo as well. FML

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By meep - United States

Today, I found out where my $300 worth of American Eagle and Hollister clothes had disappeared to. My 16 year old sister shredded them with scissors, took pictures of it for her Myspace and said that I deserved it for being a "conformist." All her "internet friends" said it was awesome. FML

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By Anonymous

Outdoorsy romance

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the marina nearby. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind the lighthouse. FML

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By iFail - United States

Today, I waited anxiously until midnight to open my Christmas presents. As the clock struck midnight, I ran out into the living room, super-excited to open them, only to discover that everyone in our house had already opened theirs, and had all gone to bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 21:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Seize the day

Today, I asked my boyfriend what would happen if I didn’t get into the same school as him. He replied, "Then we’ll just break up." We broke up. I still don’t know what school I’m going to. FML

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By Losamus

Nice first impression.

Today, I didn't know I had a pill stuck in my throat until I coughed and it flew across the table, narrowly missing the weird guy sitting across from me in the break room. Turns out that weird guy is my new supervisor. FML

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By FckMyLife - United States

Today, while at the mall I opened a bathroom stall thinking nobody was in there. The door just didn't close properly. I hit an elderly woman in the head. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Kilkeel

Today, I felt frisky, so I did my hair and put on make-up and some lingerie. I walked into the living room, where my husband was playing a video game. He glanced up, said, "Oh, for fuck's sake." and made me wait nearly 15 minutes for him to reach a save-game point. FML

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By NotAmericanIdol - United States

Today, I was home by myself. I was singing "If I Had A Million Dollars" really loudly since I figured no one could hear me. As I'm really into the song, my neighbor shouts, "If I had a million dollars, I'd give it to you to stop singing" and slams his balcony door shut. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker's shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML

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By Marea90h - 25/11/2020 16:58

Money management

Today, my fiancé finally was able secure a PS5, which I told him I'd get for Christmas. Due to high demand, I didn't think he'd be able to get it till next week or so. He bought it last night while I was sleeping. I have to pay my car insurance tomorrow. FML

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By Paul - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. After yelling and firing me, his assistant comes in telling him he had mistaken me for someone else. He did not give me my job back, as he claimed it would make an awkward work environment. FML

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By fffemaleee - United States - Waterford

Today, my phone got stolen at church. FML

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By Anonymouss - United States

Today, I was informed, after being broken up with, that my girlfriend's father only set her up with me so that she would have more motivation to shower on a regular basis. He actually yelled at me for being broken up with. FML

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By Morganisoverrated

Today, I was planning to ask a guy at school out since I had mustered up the confidence to finally tell him how I really felt. I ended up puking on him. FML

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Top comments

By Mynxie | 26

#7600688 - Sunday 18 February 2018 6:09

And that's when you leave and never look back. Don't stay with a gild digger. You deserve so much better.

By Allie614032 | 34

#7603248 - Saturday 24 February 2018 1:33

Lie to her and tell her you just found out you have HIV. Scare her.

COMMENTS

By Mynxie | 26

#7600688 - Sunday 18 February 2018 6:09

And that's when you leave and never look back. Don't stay with a gild digger. You deserve so much better.

Reply

Mynxie | 26

#7600884 - Sunday 18 February 2018 18:26

*gold

By 5th_point_of_contact | 8

#7600892 - Sunday 18 February 2018 19:15

I’m between putting the gold digging bitch in her place or just taking the high ground and not saying anything.

Either way, you need to drop this chick like the bag of hammers that she is.

By JasonThorn | 18

#7601600 - Tuesday 20 February 2018 18:10

Tell her you overheard what she said, that you're dumping here, and then tell her that's it not the size of your organ, it's because you're playing in a CATHEDRAL.

Reply

Moist_Nipples | 7

#7610113 - Monday 12 March 2018 0:25

I don’t get it.

By Allie614032 | 34

#7603248 - Saturday 24 February 2018 1:33

Lie to her and tell her you just found out you have HIV. Scare her.

Reply

manb91uk | 22

#7603254 - Saturday 24 February 2018 1:46

I cannot like this comment enough!!!

Reply

Sinshine | 27

#7603412 - Saturday 24 February 2018 13:15

I'd approve of this, but I'd also worry that could turn into a rumor spreading around.

Reply

Wintermelons | 19

#7603884 - Sunday 25 February 2018 17:13

Love hate relationship with this comment, can’t condone it but... I won’t go after you if you do.

Reply

interesting33 | 36

#7603960 - Sunday 25 February 2018 20:47

seems extreme. what she did was utterly horrific though but I feel two wrongs don't make a right here and that is also a big thing to lie about. (although so was the virginity)

Reply

Rabite | 28

#7604039 - Monday 26 February 2018 1:27

Wtf is wrong with you?

Reply

interesting33 | 36

#7607963 - Tuesday 6 March 2018 17:55

I mean you could make her worry she might die. That is cruel and extreme

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7603249 - Saturday 24 February 2018 1:34

Pretend you didn't hear what she said, start banging her as much as you can while you go out and find another decent female being. Dump old one when new one is found.

Reply

Idream | 7

#7603563 - Saturday 24 February 2018 20:03

That's the best way to deal with an idiot that she is.

By Moxie Mettle | 10

#7603260 - Saturday 24 February 2018 1:54

You dick might be short but her vagina is a gold mine. Better to know now.

By StarkWolf_fml | 23

#7603262 - Saturday 24 February 2018 2:09

now I ain't saying she a gold digger...

Reply

OhNoezz | 10

#7603591 - Saturday 24 February 2018 21:28

There has never been a more appropriate comment.

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7603263 - Saturday 24 February 2018 2:12

Doesn’t matter, had sex.

By ekim300 | 26

#7603265 - Saturday 24 February 2018 2:17

I’m sorry OP, sucks that you lost your virginity to such a scumbag. At least you found out her true intentions and can end the relationship now. Keep lookong, I’m sure you’ll find someone worth your time.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7603271 - Saturday 24 February 2018 2:38

Short ... cummings? Even you can’t stop insulting you!