Money: Today, I after getting off the bus, I realized that the man I... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 184

You deserved it 43

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107

You deserved it 963

14/01/2011 06:32

Today, I after getting off the bus, I realized that the man I was talking to was distracting me so his "buddy" could steal my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 604

You deserved it 3 757

Stop talking!

The Blob

First Dates

10/06/2011 19:06

Today, I snuck up on my girlfriend to give her a kiss. Only after I planted a big one did I realize it was not my girlfriend, or even a girl for that matter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 942

You deserved it 52 664

19/11/2012 06:21

Today, I had my wisdom teeth taken out. I vaguely remember telling the doctor that I'm a virgin. Several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 859

You deserved it 2 938

27/09/2009 02:18

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with the cliché of the diamond ring in a champagne glass. Apparently there was an off-duty police officer across the room watching me slip the ring into the glass. He thought I was slipping in a date-rape drug and tackled me down before I could propose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 018

You deserved it 4 395

Mix and match

By Anonymous - 10/10/2020 14:01

Today, as I was getting ready for church, I couldn't decide between my black or white shoes. I put one of each on, then my son started crying. Fast forward, I'm at church, I look down and I'm wearing one white shoe and one black shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 803

You deserved it 321

03/10/2009 15:34

Today, I was walking to my friends Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 733

You deserved it 3 768

29/05/2012 17:50

Today, I spilled my guts to my girlfriend, saying I'm scared that all I do is upset her. I then had to sit through a speech about how upset she was that I hadn't told her sooner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 003

You deserved it 4 770

05/08/2014 12:31

Today, I asked my 8-year-old daughter to kill a house spider for me. I am a 42-year-old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 774

You deserved it 18 805

06/12/2009 20:28

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my 5 year old on my lap. All of a sudden, she turned to me and said, "Daddy, I love your boobies. They're a good pillow." My own kid just called me fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 887

You deserved it 18 061

16/12/2010 20:59

Today, a thumb tack came out of one of my posters on my wall. The sole of my foot had the pleasure of finding it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 334

You deserved it 3 950

14/03/2010 20:30

Today, while taking a shower, a spider fell from the ceiling onto my foot. I took down my shower head to wash it down the drain, and in the process, got soap in my eye and rammed my head into the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 595

You deserved it 8 305

Belch monster

By gross - 23/05/2021 02:00

Today, while on a date with an amazing guy, I burped. He called me a disgusting pig and immediately left. I have burped a total of three times in my life and have therefore never learned how to control it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 064

You deserved it 219

24/09/2009 04:30

Spicy

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with U2 tickets. Still no action. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 116

You deserved it 33 343

22/04/2009 21:46

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 101 564

You deserved it 19 133

17/04/2012 01:59

Spicy

Today, I found out that I can get my girlfriend to make more sex noises by massaging her back than I can by actually having sex with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 820

You deserved it 7 426

10/07/2015 04:27

Today, my 4-year-old daughter slipped on ceramic tile and I had to take her to the ER for 5 stitches to her chin. When we got home, I promptly split her chin open again as I over enthusiastically re-enacted how she fell to my husband and accidentally clocked her square in the chin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 282

You deserved it 16 244

31/05/2010 00:27

Today, my boyfriend came home while I was making a snack in the kitchen. We started making out and he lifted me up and sat my ass on the hot stove. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 929

You deserved it 8 054

21/03/2013 09:42

Today, a pregnant friend who is due in 2 weeks posted a picture of a baby on Facebook. I commented congratulations. She's still pregnant. It was a picture of her baby who died 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 256

You deserved it 13 046

31/01/2010 18:37

Today, I'm in the hospital because I sliced my leg open. Why? I jumped off my bed and scratched myself on the metal bed frame when Miss America was crowned to Miss Virginia. I'm 20 years old, and a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 445

You deserved it 34 505

Exes from hell

By what the actual fuck?! - 02/08/2021 07:01

Today, my psychotic ex-boyfriend hit a brand new low. I was served court papers, saying that he’s suing me by demanding I give him a paternity test for my daughter. He’s also telling everyone he’s her real father. He and I were broken up for more than a year before I even got pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 091

You deserved it 72

13/07/2009 21:27

Today, I awoke to find a water pipe burst. I frantically ran down to the basement to turn off the water to the house. What I didn't expect when I reached the bottom of the stairs was to have to start dodging the falling, wet ceiling tiles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 625

You deserved it 2 843

08/07/2013 11:19

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 818

You deserved it 4 668

04/10/2010 05:48

Today, my four year old daughter pulled her pants down in the middle of Best Buy. Apparently, you can smell the farts better when they don't have to pass through clothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 270

You deserved it 5 284

02/04/2009 20:16

Today, my boss came up to my desk to talk about a new project. He came up to my monitor so we can go to a website. My browser had frozen and I couldn't close it. The tabs I had open: Facebook, Gmail, Careerbuilder, Monster, and Resume Samples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 062

You deserved it 69 083

08/08/2019 16:00

Today, while feeling sorry for myself that I can't find a guy, a girl on the talk show I was watching said, "You're never gonna find a guy sitting at home in your jammies with the cat." I'm sitting at home in my jammies with the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 349

You deserved it 756

13/02/2013 05:12

Today, working as a waitress, I was asked by a customer, yet again, how my baby was doing. I don't have a baby, but I do look very similar to my 25-year-old coworker, who's a new mom. People confuse us all the time. Unfortunately, my crush, who was standing nearby, doesn't know that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 044

You deserved it 2 720

20/01/2009 22:47

Today, my boyfriend came to visit me for my birthday. Over dinner he handed me a blank card that had the words "I love you" hastily written on it. When the waiter came to take our order he informed him that we'd be paying separately. Happy Birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 624

You deserved it 2 625

15/03/2009 01:30

Today, my family and I were at a restaurant. We're Swedish and love talking about people in our language because no one ever understands here. I decided to comment about how ugly the girl at the next table was. She turned around and goes "Dra åt helvete." That's Swedish for "Go to hell." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 829

You deserved it 325 969

Another birthday ruined

By Michael - 13/02/2021 09:30

Today, my girlfriend of one year broke up with me because I started having PTSD induced night terrors. On my birthday as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 948

You deserved it 59

Ouch

By Anonymous - 13/01/2013 12:41

Today, while trying to quietly sneak a midnight snack with my girlfriend, I was slowly opening the pantry door so I wouldn't wake my mother. My girlfriend came and swung open the door onto my foot, taking the top layer of skin with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 351

You deserved it 5 177

31/01/2011 05:58

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she met someone else on World of Warcraft. I've been paying for her subscription. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 515

You deserved it 14 775

14/05/2012 21:46

Today, I went to a club with some friends. I ordered two drinks from the waitress and gave her a fifty. She never returned with the change, and the rest of the staff claimed they didn't know who I was talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 630

You deserved it 6 181

Full of himself

By myfavoritesgouda - 24/06/2021 17:13

Today, my boss gave me an autographed photo of himself, after he heard that I think he's intimidatingly attractive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 543

You deserved it 9 622

25/03/2009 14:13

Today, I was shaving off my beard for the first time in a very long time. I decided to have a little fun with it, and shaved my beard first into a goatee, then a handle-bar, then, finally, into a Hitler mustache. My electric razor dies. I don't have a normal one or an extra battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 151

You deserved it 87 411

12/01/2014 08:03

Today, my wife told my 7-year-old son that he looks just like me. He began crying and said, "I don't want to be ugly like him." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 375

You deserved it 4 897

23/03/2011 16:16

Today, I quit my job and sent a mass mail on Facebook that I was moving to a different state with my long time boyfriend. He called me later that night to tell me we aren't moving after all. Now we are both jobless with loads of bills to pay by the end of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 670

You deserved it 23 027

24/10/2015 18:04

Today, I walked 2 miles to the store, filled my cart with groceries, and got to the cashier only to find I had forgotten my wallet. I tried to explain but got the nastiest stank-eye from the cashier, the manager and everyone in line behind me. I walked 2 miles home, hungry and embarrassed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 608

You deserved it 4 270

08/04/2016 01:45

Today, I went to a family reunion with my brother and my mother. She spent quite a while giving a glowing introduction for my brother to one of her cousins. Then, just before walking off, she jerked a thumb in my direction and said, "Oh, yeah, and that's his sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 028

You deserved it 1 315

02/08/2011 06:46

Today, I found out that the crazy old man that sleep walks naked around my neighborhood every night is my grandpa. And he's not sleepwalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 807

You deserved it 2 854

Quiet please

By mute - 16/04/2016 00:56

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally moved out from his parents' house to his friend's flat. Excited that I wouldn't have to be so silent when we had sex anymore, I went over to spend the night. His bedroom is right next to his friend's 4-year-old daughter's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 935

You deserved it 3 492

10/11/2009 05:24

Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work: I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 796

You deserved it 53 750

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Friday 14 January 2011 12:09

But was it a nice chat?

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Friday 14 January 2011 12:14

How could you not notice that? Unless you have really accessible pockets.

Comments

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Friday 14 January 2011 12:06

Why do people put their wallets in easy-to-access spots? Even I could pick-pocket people these days!

Helloiloveyou199_fml 0

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Friday 14 January 2011 13:14

agreed!

The_Dude_Abides_ 0

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Friday 14 January 2011 14:40

you have to know by now riding a public bus will get you mugged at some point in the U.S I'm from Seattle and every night on the news there's always some video from a metro bus with something happening, so hide yo kids hide yo wife and hide yo wallet because they jacking everyone around there!!!

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Friday 14 January 2011 16:03

Haha....so true...

ilovejorgerabara 3

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Saturday 15 January 2011 13:22

Hahahahah 22 epic win ;D

lauraxcupcake 12

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Sunday 4 August 2013 6:38

people don't always like digging for their wallets.

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Friday 14 January 2011 12:07

Now you must learn.Next time you should be the one stealing the wallet

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Friday 14 January 2011 12:09

But was it a nice chat?

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Friday 14 January 2011 12:11

Sooo, did you just stand there and watch, or did you actually do something about it?

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Friday 14 January 2011 12:13

He posted it on the internet

RedPillSucks 31

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Friday 14 January 2011 14:41

The bus had probably left by the time he realized it.

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Friday 14 January 2011 12:14

How could you not notice that? Unless you have really accessible pockets.

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Friday 14 January 2011 13:42

Well op is American, so it's quite possible either their pants sag and the pockets are behind their knees, or if op is a female maybe she simply forgot to properly close her purse?

DU0 0

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Friday 14 January 2011 12:17

Put it in your back pocket next time and keep your ass on the seat. :/

macskapingvin 0

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Friday 14 January 2011 14:52

Or put it in your inside jacket pocket and keep your hand on your breast.

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Friday 14 January 2011 15:09

Or put it in your inside jacket pocket and let me keep my hand on your breast.

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Friday 14 January 2011 16:11

you wanna keep your hand on a penguins breast?

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Friday 14 January 2011 12:36

Was he black?

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Friday 14 January 2011 12:59

You are right, black people are to stupid to team up.

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Friday 14 January 2011 13:05

Hey Skodos, just shut the fuck up.

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Friday 14 January 2011 13:12

Hey Doortje, Just suck my dick.

MegaTroller_fml 5

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Friday 14 January 2011 13:14

Someone's a bit racist.

DoubleEdgedBlade 4

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Friday 14 January 2011 13:17

I agree with 14 and 17.

BoredomKillsinc 0

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Friday 14 January 2011 12:42

thats why you sit down

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Friday 14 January 2011 12:43

You thought he was talking to you for fun?

mea_iloveskiing 26

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Friday 14 January 2011 12:44

hahaha did he give you his number? =D