Today, I took a dump at work, when I realized there was no toilet... - FML

By FUCKFACECUNT - 2/8/2015 13:32 - United Arab Emirates - Abu Dhabi

Today, I took a dump at work, when I realized there was no toilet paper left. There was another guy in the room, so I asked him for some. He decided he'd rather dump all the rolls of paper into the other toilets, before wishing me luck and walking out while laughing his ass off. FML

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Instadrama

Extreme late fees

All for nothing

By meh - 18/1/2012 05:21 - Canada

Today, my teacher, who's Irish, called me insensitive and stupid for imitating her accent. I'm Filipino and my parents immigrated to Ireland where I was born, and then we moved to Canada when I was 14. Her response to my explanation? "Bullshit." FML

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By RabbitOwner - 7/1/2011 20:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing with my pet rabbit when my boyfriend discovered poop on his lap. As he brushed it off, I reminded him that there are a lot worse things in the world than rabbit poop. Almost as if on cue, my rabbit peed on both of us. FML

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By streaker? - 27/11/2015 14:21 - Germany - Langenhagen

Today, I went clothes shopping. I took my little daughter into the dressing room while I tried some clothes on. She somehow managed to open the door while I was changing. A lady outside then bitched me out for "exposing" myself to her kids. FML

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By regretsteachinghighschool - 5/11/2013 13:22 - United States - Rochester

Today, while teaching juniors about black holes, I said, "Imagine everything being sucked into a black hole." An African-American student shouted, "I'd better start clenching!" Nobody took the lesson seriously after that. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2013 16:14 - United States - Redmond

Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML

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By irulan - 14/1/2020 03:00 - United Kingdom - London

Single shot

Today, I farted so loudly in bed and I woke up my husband. Startled, he thought that someone was entered in our room and fired a shot. FML

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By Joel - 25/8/2010 19:13 - United States

Today, I made a mistake at work that got 7 people fired. I'm scared to leave the office because they're all outside. FML

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By kippis05 - 17/2/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were waiting for the bus. The weather had been cold and snowy recently, and I realized I'd forgotten my transit card. She nonetheless got on the bus without me. I had to walk it alone in the snow. FML

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By CJ 84 - 19/1/2019 14:00

Today, I stopped and helped a young lady stuck on the side of the road. Guess who got accused of forcing myself and got charged with impersonating a police officer. FML

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By notastoner - 19/6/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied "No", he said "You mean you always look like that?" FML

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By smellyhand - 16/12/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, it looked like rain so I held out my hand to catch a raindrop. When I finally caught one, I closed my hand over it and ran to show my friends to prove it was raining. I opened my hand saying, "Look! It's raining!" When I looked down, I saw that I had actually caught a bird shit. FML

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By gross - 15/7/2011 01:09 - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in my guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and my case. FML

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By P0wned - 29/9/2009 21:21 - France

Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend, who had just been awoken by her own fart. FML

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By a4rk - 8/7/2012 18:32 - Malaysia - Sibu

Today, my manager called me into his office and spent half an hour screaming at me for granting one of our workers so many religious off-days. Apparently, the name of these "religious observances" actually means something to the effect of "scoring some pussy" in Macedonian. FML

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By santashelper - 5/12/2011 23:32 - United States

Today, I took my kids to the mall to see Santa. While waiting in line, my eldest got bored and loudly complained, "I don't know why we're here. Santa's not even real." I don't think any of the kids within a hundred feet took the news very well. FML

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By whatarethisss - 29/1/2016 16:20 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had to teach my 16-year-old brother how to use a toaster. He thought you just plug it in and wait for it to "pre-heat." FML

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By fmll - 17/12/2011 13:17 - Norway

Today, my boyfriend texted me and said I had forgotten my blue bra. I don't have any blue bras. FML

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By Watchyourstep - 20/10/2009 17:11 - France

Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2016 23:13

Today, I went to my parents house to secretly collect all of their home videos and convert them to DVDs as a Christmas gift. Among them I found a sex tape my parents had made. FML

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By fml_for_real - 4/2/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to ravish me. He told me he would rather play PS3. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2014 01:02 - United States - Imperial

Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML

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By Someguy - 6/6/2011 18:55 - Belgium

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to declare my love to the girl I have a crush on. I guess I shouldn't have gone and kissed her without warning, because now my face is covered with slap marks, and I had to explain myself at the police station for sexual harassement. FML

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By Matt - 12/8/2011 00:46 - United States

Today, I informed my family of my plans to divorce my wife after catching her cheating on me twice. They bitched me out because I will not be able to survive financially or emotionally without her support. I'm a doctor. She's been unemployed for 2 straight years. FML

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By YouBossturd - 10/11/2015 15:17 - United States - Washington

Today, I found out that my immediate supervisor had modified my phone in the priority order at our call center. As a result, any calls that came in during the night shift would be routed to my phone first, so that he can play games on his phone uninterrupted. It's been a whole year. FML

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By jordanss - 11/11/2010 18:02 - United States

Today, my apartment building shut off our water for a short period of time because the pipes were being worked on. It was also the morning my dog had diarrhea on my cream carpet. Not only did I have to clean it up without water, I couldn't wash my hands afterward. FML

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By john - 28/1/2009 23:02 - United States

Today, the girl who I have had a crush on for 2 years snuck up from behind me and gave me a hug. I farted very loud at the same exact time. FML

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By tbreezy - 26/11/2018 14:00

Today, I called my ex-girlfriend to see if she would meet up with me so I could give her money to pay off the rest of the TV we had on layaway before we broke up. Turns out she cancelled it and took all the money I put into it. I put $500 down. FML

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By AlphaKappa - 12/7/2018 19:00

Today, my work is doing a legal investigation about whether they can avoid paying me maternity benefit. According to my sleazy boss, "You notified us too late." FML

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By Crappit - 6/10/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, my roomate thought it would be funny to take pictures of my morning wood and put it up on Facebook for everyone to see. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2012 06:42 - United States - Houston

Today, I was upset over a recent break up. It showed while I was at work, and I made a customer sad just by looking blue. She complained to my manager. I got written up for being so depressed that I got a customer depressed too. FML

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By anonymous - 17/4/2012 01:59 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out that I can get my girlfriend to make more sex noises by massaging her back than I can by actually having sex with her. FML

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By teriyaki124 - 21/3/2009 09:13 - United States

Today, I came out to my mom. I had an epic speech planned, and when I tried to tell her, it all fell apart and I started crying and just said, "I'm gay." After a few seconds silence, my mom sighs and says, "Duh." FML

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By Lovernotafighter - 24/2/2012 11:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my granddad had to start sleeping in my bedroom. He has flashback dreams to when he was a boxer, and he's already lamped my granny three times in his sleep. I get a camp-bed, and the chance to listen to him snore like a wild boar. FML

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By interphaseprophasemetaphase - 4/9/2013 11:18 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2017 23:15

Jinx

Today, I was reversing my brother's car out of a driveway. I turned to my friend in the passenger seat and said "check it out, I'm so good at reversing!" Next minute there's a huge bang. I had just reversed into a tree and shattered the windscreen. FML

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By :| - 12/9/2013 22:27 - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I realized that what I thought for years was my country's National Anthem, is actually the theme song of a TV show. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 00:30 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light next to an ice cream van. The man in it turned to me and winked, making sexual hand gestures. I felt my childhood die horribly as I watched. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2011 03:09 - United States

Today, while at the bakery section of my local supermarket, I heard the beat of what I assumed was a song playing. I really got into it, and bobbed my head and danced a little. After getting some strange looks, I realized the "beat" was a machine mixing frosting. FML

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By themcdave - 19/5/2012 08:03 - United Kingdom - Cranfield

Today, I woke up early for an important team meeting I needed to attend. I washed, got changed, and sat down to eat breakfast... I then woke up again, an hour late and covered in cereal. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2018 19:30 - United States - Greenville

Today, while wearing a sexy pair of undies for my partner and taking him out on a nice dinner, I trusted a fart walking from the car to the restaurant and shit myself. FML

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Top comments

By ryannmichael | 17

#6369450 - Monday 3 August 2015 0:29

Hope you have learned your lesson... always check if there's toilet paper before taking a crap.

By NotGabe | 28

#6369458 - Monday 3 August 2015 0:32

Should've wiped bare handed, then give that guy a nice, slow, caress on the face.

COMMENTS

By wheresthesafety | 31

#6369447 - Monday 3 August 2015 0:28

Cue several people going "that's a shitty situation".

Reply

tarlax | 11

#6369460 - Monday 3 August 2015 0:33

That's a shitty comment. Congrats, you're even more obnoxious than the people you're talking about.

Reply

sleepyfires | 20

#6369481 - Monday 3 August 2015 0:45

That's a shitty situation.

Reply

Eliiara | 11

#6369499 - Monday 3 August 2015 0:59

Cue the several people that are cuing the several people with shitty puns.

By ryannmichael | 17

#6369450 - Monday 3 August 2015 0:29

Hope you have learned your lesson... always check if there's toilet paper before taking a crap.

Reply

logicnazi | 18

#6369540 - Monday 3 August 2015 1:52

Am I the only one who "dusts" the toilet using toilet paper before then applying either the proved seat cover or fashioning one myself with toilet paper prior to sitting?

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#6369559 - Monday 3 August 2015 2:16

yes

Reply

MandieL | 27

#6369561 - Monday 3 August 2015 2:17

No

Reply

cornyrob | 33

#6369695 - Monday 3 August 2015 5:13

UAE, right? Aren't there bidet hoses there? Some bathrooms don't even have toilet paper in that country.

Reply

YourOpinionSucks | 22

#6369818 - Monday 3 August 2015 9:22

You're not the only one. I do that even in my own house. It prevents splash back, allows me to check for toilet paper, cleans what I'm about to sit on, and here's the best part, ladies you should listen to this one, there's no chance of falling in the toilet since you checked it!

Reply

hellnosucka | 27

#6370018 - Monday 3 August 2015 16:25

still, it's troubling to use only a bidet hose without drying off with toilet paper. it's basically getting dressed while your ass is very wet. pretty inconvenient.

Reply

cornyrob | 33

#6372669 - Thursday 6 August 2015 5:18

#61, or maybe just uncomfortable for us Americans

By WitEluded | 13

#6369453 - Monday 3 August 2015 0:30

Troll level 1000

Reply

TheKingOfHearts | 19

#6369899 - Monday 3 August 2015 12:16

IT'S OVER 9000!!!!

Reply

arano | 29

#6369948 - Monday 3 August 2015 14:08

Totally missed a great opportunity, #4.

By MossyMegaMan | 20

#6369457 - Monday 3 August 2015 0:31

Some people want to watch the world burn.

By NotGabe | 28

#6369458 - Monday 3 August 2015 0:32

Should've wiped bare handed, then give that guy a nice, slow, caress on the face.

By jtfrisch | 22

#6369462 - Monday 3 August 2015 0:34

Karma will strike him very hard one day

By codeinechick | 5

#6369469 - Monday 3 August 2015 0:37

What a jerk

By Kobeh | 13

#6369474 - Monday 3 August 2015 0:40

That's why you always hold it until you get home OP ;D

Reply

igive | 28

#6369765 - Monday 3 August 2015 7:23

Sometimes the poop chute can't hold it in that long.

Reply

ladyfingers | 11

#6369790 - Monday 3 August 2015 8:31

Ummm, no. Getting paid to poop is the best.

By OfficialEarth | 12

#6369478 - Monday 3 August 2015 0:40

That was a shitty thing to do..

Reply

mylittlecookie | 17

#6369798 - Monday 3 August 2015 8:44

The "shitty" comment. Every time without fail.

By pabj208 | 23

#6369480 - Monday 3 August 2015 0:44

Perhaps he didn't like that toilet paper is threatening his douche bag company?

Reply

goozeo | 11

#6370241 - Monday 3 August 2015 21:05

I beg your pardon?