Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because...

By ostler - 2/12/2009 13:27 - United Kingdom

Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because I don't drink. Apparently if you're tee-total, you're not entitled to spend time with your family and are incapable of having fun. FML

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Work

British Broadcasting Corporation

Weird kid

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By stupidpolicia - 25/9/2009 08:33 - Brazil

Today, the gas station right in front of my apartment had people listening to loud music all night. I have this 3 hour test at 7:30am and didn't get any sleep. Worst of all, here in Brazil, calling the police won't help a thing. Instead of actually helping, they'll stop and join the party. FML

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By birdmagnet - 25/4/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I spent 90 dollars and two and a half hours getting my hair done at a fancy salon. As I was unlocking my car, a bird pooped in my hair. FML

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By Fackwork - 30/5/2012 09:37 - United States - Council Bluffs

Today, after declining an amazing job offer that pays more than double what I make now in order to accept a promotion my boss offered me if I stayed, I asked when I would receive the promotion and pay raise. She snorted and said, "You thought I was serious about that?" FML

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By Atropos - 1/6/2019 00:00

Today, I went to the campus health office because I had some VERY strong pains in my side. I thought my appendix was about to burst. I asked the receptionist for a doctor, but she said they were all out of the office until later, and kindly offered to make me an appointment for mid June. FML

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By Eyebrowless - 6/6/2015 16:29 - United States - Willingboro

Today, I decided to wax my eyebrows. My entire eyebrow came off. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, I was at work as a musician, sitting on a piano bench. Suddenly I found myself at eye-level with the piano, dumped on the floor by the broken bench, with my legs splayed out. I felt like I picked the wrong day to wear a skirt to work - but the audience members all disagreed. FML

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By OhBoy - 5/8/2013 19:10 - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I realized why my water bill has gone down so much. My 16 year old daughter now only feels it necessary to shower whenever her boyfriend is going to come over. FML

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By adventurousnightsbutnotinagoodway - 17/12/2013 15:38 - Netherlands - Leiden

Today, it was safe to say I started sleepwalking again, after I woke up with a mouth filled with soil and a ravaged plant. FML

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By poorhamster - 23/10/2010 06:22 - United States

Today, I found my pet hamster that escaped yesterday, wet and soggy, next to my pet dog. My dog chewed it. FML

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By kmctl - 20/5/2015 18:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some guy walked into the restaurant I work at and ordered enough food to serve the entire National Guard of Texas. He thanked us by leaving a $0.50 tip and shitting on the bathroom floor. FML

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By bittersweet - 8/2/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2011 17:58 - Vietnam

Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit. FML

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By Noname - 3/2/2009 23:51 - United States

Today, while surfing facebook I noticed someone in my network had recently shifted his relationship status from undeclared to "single." We've been dating exclusively for nine months. FML

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By KD - 4/1/2015 21:53 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my friends and I were talking about our celebrity lookalikes. We decided that my friends all had attractive celebrity lookalikes, including Scarlett Johansson and Hayden Panettiere. When it was my turn, they decided that my "celebrity" lookalike is the Pillsbury Doughboy. FML

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By Oliveisthenewora - 5/4/2016 05:55 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I tried a DIY face mask that involved using turmeric spice. After keeping it on for 20 minutes, I tried washing it off, but I couldn't get rid of the orange residue it had left behind. Guess who's going to work tomorrow looking like an Oompa Loompa. FML

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By maddengirl12 - 20/2/2014 08:57 - United States

Today, my mom and I flew three hours from Wyoming to a volleyball camp in Kentucky. When we arrived, we went to the volleyball center and told them I was there for the volleyball camp. They told me it had been cancelled two weeks ago and they forgot to call us. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

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By Earthling - 25/8/2016 02:20 - Colombia - Bogot?

Today, our art teacher told us we will have to build a giant Coca-Cola bottle made of smaller ones as our art project for next week, meant to represent the damage consumerism does to our environment. I think he doesn’t understand we will have to buy tons of Coke to get the bottles needed. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2017 04:00

Today, my recent ex-boyfriend stopped by my house with a well-dressed man. He reached into his pocket and handed me records that "prove" he never cheated on me. Oh, and the man next to him? His lawyer, who gave me a summons to court over payment for the items I smashed when I dumped him. FML

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By laury - 9/5/2012 02:05 - Canada - Port Elgin

Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2016 10:50 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was at a very important meeting with a client and I had to use the bathroom. I was so nervous that I squirted white soap all up my suit jacket. My client walked in and commented on my "jizzy" blazer. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 21:01 - United States

Today, I took the 6 year old I'm babysitting to the mall to see Santa after weeks of her begging. We got there in time to see him get out of his Prius and dress in the parking lot. FML

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By splitzville - 16/3/2010 20:12 - United States

Today, I noticed a cute girl in the checkout lane at the store. Feeling a little flirtatious, I decided to blow a bubble with my gum to get her attention. I accidentally shot the gum out of my mouth onto the guy next to me, spitting all over myself in the process. FML

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By WTF - 16/3/2011 22:05

Today, after my 22 year old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML

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By KDM - 5/2/2012 19:39 - Australia

Today, I realised how socially inept I am, when I muttered an apology to my laptop after I noticed I hadn't plugged its charger in. FML

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By howrude - 11/9/2009 11:57 - Canada

Today, my friends took me out to the most expensive restaurant in town to celebrate my promotion, we ordered everything with expensive drinks too. They 'took a smoke break' and left me with the bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 04:59 - United States

Today, I was playing basketball outside in my driveway. I saw three cute girls walking by, so I thought I would try to show off a little by doing a backwards slam dunk. I jumped, completely missed the rim and hit my head on the backboard. Then my mom ran out to help me up. FML

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By jemma - 4/8/2009 11:27 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was reading me a love poem he wrote for me. It was beautiful, and going really well until he read the last line, which had a girl's name in it. It wasn't my name. My boyfriend said "shit, wrong girl", and dug through his bag for a different poem. FML

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By Never Work With Animals or Children - 26/5/2012 11:06 - United States - Van Nuys

Today, I ran out of the house after my dog, tripped and knocked myself out on the railing by the front step. I woke up to my little brother lifting up the back of my dress for the neighborhood to see. FML

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By PocketTrash - 20/3/2020 21:00

This guy grudges

Today, my dad is still mad because I tossed his empty coffee can over 3 days ago. FML

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By queenxalee - 11/11/2013 23:58 - United States - Orange

Today, I learned I was conceived to the sounds of a Spice Girls album. FML

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By secret - 11/3/2010 05:18 - United States

Today, I found out the electric bill I have been paying was on my old house. I found this out when they shut off the power to my house. FML

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By hell! - 2/12/2008 08:27 - France

Today, I discovered that my 15 year old girl had hidden a disgusting porn film in the "future career" folder. FML

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By OPforonepiece - 19/2/2016 14:38 - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I was talking to a customer and I actually fell asleep for a couple of seconds. I can honestly say she wouldn't stop talking and didn't even notice me snoring. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2015 17:41 - Canada

Today, my young daughter came up to me, grabbed my face and said, "I'm putting you in the garbage." When I laughed and asked why, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "You are trash." FML

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By Clueless - 14/5/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago my 4 year old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

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By Bishop - 6/6/2012 14:19

Today, a man on the bus questioned my sexuality for being a male nurse. I asked him what he did and he said he worked in a garage. When I pointed out that I work with sexy nurses all day and he works with sweaty guys, he punched me in the stomach. FML

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By foreveralone - 1/12/2014 14:37 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, I got friendzoned by three different women. Each girl suggested I should ask out one of the other two women who also friendzoned me. FML

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By Husband - 22/11/2016 14:33 - United States - Washington

Today, I asked my husband if he wanted to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. He choked on his own spit to avoid answering the question. FML

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By MERRY FUCKMYARSEMASS - 26/12/2013 20:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my car broke down on the highway, and I had to call for a tow truck. It finally showed up, only to break down too less than a mile later. Cue nearly freezing to death while we waited for help to arrive for the both of us. FML

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Top comments

By Playdate | 0

#700593 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:15

Tee-total means that you do not drink alcohol. Ever.

FYL for having a crappy work enviroment. Get it in writing and then take it up with higher management . . . Personally I think you should get extra time off for not wasting company time with hangovers like the others!

By ohmigawdess | 0

#700580 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:11

what's tee-total?

COMMENTS

By akes | 0

#700570 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:07

How do they know you don't drink?

iKaite | 0

#700649 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:42

Its easy, he probably told them. And btw OP, they cant stop you taking holidays because you dont drink, your probably too slow in taking your holidays. So really, you deserve it. If you're not fast, you're last.

acoti | 0

#720833 - Tuesday 15 December 2009 6:31

It doesn't matter. Just don't show up and tell them you were drinking, after all, their REASON for keeping you there is because you DON'T drink. If you said you did, you'll be alright.

By ohmigawdess | 0

#700580 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:11

what's tee-total?

FMLinCA | 12

#700583 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:12

yeah, what's "tee-total?"

catatonicsleep | 17

#700592 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:15

it means you don't drink

8trickster8 | 0

#700646 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:39

But how does tee-total = doesn't drink?

mj2123 | 0

#700665 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:50

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teetotalism

sarcdude | 3

#700851 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:38

huh, learn something new every day.

keilah | 4

#707880 - Monday 7 December 2009 1:37

How does "delicious" mean something tastes good? It's a word. It has a meaning.

apfunction | 0

#985084 - Monday 26 April 2010 8:52

yeah but tee total just sounds gay. and incorrect.

By MikeStern | 1

#700584 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:12

Do you work at DesignatedDrivers R' Us or something

PurelyCanadian | 18

#5916015 - Wednesday 16 April 2014 4:32

Ooh. Burn.

By macnamera | 0

#700587 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By jts2 | 3

#700591 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:14

.. Win.

By Playdate | 0

#700593 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:15

By NatzSwifey | 0

#700594 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:15

pretend to have started drinking and take the time off

By Cristaderzi | 0

#700595 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:16

Welcome too my world Lol
Dont worry we will have ours in the afterlife...
This world we dont want!

By Jebbaz | 0

#700597 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:16

Teetotal, you don't dash it. It means you abstain from alcohol consumption all together. You could easily file discrimination suit about that.

youthink_fml | 0

#700637 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:37

There's no law that says you can't make business decisions on someone's drinking habits. They don't need a reason at all to schedule an employee to work.

glasswater | 0

#700840 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:35

If his abstinence is based in religion, then there's definitely laws that prohibit this.

MeleMallory | 0

#3498060 - Thursday 27 October 2011 11:46

But the suit will only work if OP can prove that's why he/she was scheduled. The boss can always claim OP didn't request it off or something. There really is no way of proving discrimination here.

By myballs | 0

#700601 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:16

This. Fucking this.

Show up fucking wasted just to spite them.