Work: Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because... - FML

By ostler - 02/12/2009 13:27 - United Kingdom

Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because I don't drink. Apparently if you're tee-total, you're not entitled to spend time with your family and are incapable of having fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 794

You deserved it 3 910

Good kid

Puke is good for you

Private Catholic school?

Taking advantage

By Stigmamma - 28/06/2020 05:06

Today, after 3 months of my man claiming he's going to start eating better "next week", he finally went on a diet. What changed? I started eating healthy while trying for a baby. He is "supporting me" by getting me to do extra meal prep for him too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 241

You deserved it 261

By noname - 29/12/2008 06:09 - France

Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all afternoon and now he's playing James Bond on the trumpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 011

You deserved it 3 208

By Anonymous - 14/06/2009 16:34 - United States

Today, I got fired from a large oil and energy service company after 5 and 1/2 months. The interview process to land the job took 8 months. My interview process was longer than my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 797

You deserved it 4 260

By thanksbaby - 01/06/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling in bed talking about our future wedding coming up. He leaned over seductively to tell me he got a present for me to ‘use’ on our wedding day. It was a pack of breath mints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 906

You deserved it 11 534

Kitchen nightmares

By Anonymous - 19/09/2021 00:30 - Australia - Mypolonga

Today, I dropped my phone in the frying pan whilst cooking my steak. I had to rinse off the oil immediately and clean the phone, then had to eat a cold steak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 248

You deserved it 932

By j1hill33 - 14/07/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, my dad told my little brother that Tokyo is in China. This is the same guy that yells at me every time I get a "B" on a report card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 020

You deserved it 2 349

Whoops

By ER1C - 16/05/2016 12:35 - Canada

Today, as I was walking my dog around the block, I fell in the splits position on wet dirt and ripped my pants right on the front. I then had to walk home casually holding a chihuahua on my crotch hoping I would not run into anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 417

You deserved it 1 198

By whatdidimarry - 24/09/2015 23:31 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I caught my husband and the cat licking the butter together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 196

You deserved it 2 278

By Skazzy3 - 14/01/2015 22:04

Today, I got banned from my school library after I ran after a guy who stole my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 926

You deserved it 2 215

Liar, liar

By skanula414 - 31/12/2014 19:00 - Sweden - Malm?

Today, I found out my 7-year-old daughter really did lie about my husband's "other girlfriend" as revenge for being grounded, and that he never cheated on me at all. We're well into our divorce proceedings and he won't forgive me for not believing him when he denied it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 354

You deserved it 49 445

By anon - 11/01/2016 17:21 - United States - Spencer

Today, I found out that my crush of a few years likes me. How? Her boyfriend told me, followed by a punch in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 355

You deserved it 1 859

Dared

By Anonymous - 27/09/2019 02:01

Today, I was dared to stand and hold a sign saying, "Free Hugs." This girl I'd never seen before gave me a crushing hug and cried hysterically on my shoulder in the blazing afternoon sun. I couldn't get her off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 1 084

Smash capitalism

By Anonymous - 20/06/2020 14:02

Today, I was basically treated to, "Hey, you're laid off by the end of the month. Oh, and would you mind training your replacement? We have budget cuts, and he works for less." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 553

You deserved it 89

By Anonymous - 22/12/2009 18:02 - United States

Today, I discovered that my bed has a flea infestation. I discovered it after sleeping naked in it for about an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 574

You deserved it 5 977

Flowers (Nothing But)

By ThisIsMyLife - 15/09/2019 12:00

Today, I bought flowers with my groceries at the grocery store. After the cashier scanned them, he handed them back to me so they wouldn't get crushed in my cart. It was then that I realized he's the first man to ever hand me flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 593

You deserved it 228

By Anonymous - 13/01/2011 21:10 - Lebanon

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my fiancé when he stopped and said, "Boy, what I wouldn't give for a burger right now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 274

You deserved it 4 963

Sketchy dude

By WTF - 12/08/2021 11:01

Spicy

Today, I was on the street with my sister. We walked by a homeless guy, who asked me for food. I gave him the leftovers from a restaurant we were just at. He also asked me if he could, "bang my girlfriend." My sister is 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 956

You deserved it 68

By alaskan1989 - 22/01/2011 01:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out I have a huge infected boil on my vagina. The worst part was that I wasn't the one to discover this. My boyfriend was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 311

You deserved it 9 901

By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 10:18 - Australia

Today, I swapped a shift so I didn't have to work on new year's eve. An hour later I realized I didn't have anyone to spend it with. I swapped it back. I'll be ringing in the new year with my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 445

You deserved it 4 408

By notsober - 20/03/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. About 2 hours later, he got to hold my hair while I puked, also for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 987

You deserved it 6 916

By FailureAtLife121 - 27/06/2009 03:44 - United States

Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating lunch, we watched a small child get frightened by the person dressed as Mickey Mouse. We all burst out laughing only to be jumped by Chip and Dale. Apparently I scream louder than the little kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 125

You deserved it 52 140

Kitchen nightmares

By Accident-prone af - 07/07/2020 20:02

Today, while making milkshakes, I was pouring and the blender's blades all fell out somehow. I don't know what's worse, that I sliced my finger open when the blades fell out and now there's blood all over, that there's now melted ice cream all over my counter and floor, or that I just wasted an entire tub of ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 408

You deserved it 178

By ditsy - 15/07/2010 09:17 - United States

Today, I was on webcam for the first time with a guy I've been texting for a while. Trying to show off my guitar skills, I lean down to pick it up and fell on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 735

You deserved it 28 040

By Fabio - 29/07/2016 00:13 - Malta - Piet?

Today, my girlfriend started insulting me on Facebook. Angry and hurt, I let it all out and insulted her back with her obesity. Turns out it was her brother who used her account to play a "prank" on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 955

You deserved it 19 863

By Confusedblonde - 30/04/2015 03:31 - United States - Canton

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me, all because he thought I was a communist, a sinner, and a terrorist, simply because I think the gay rights are OK, because I agree with some feminists, and because I got blonde highlights in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 779

You deserved it 6 452

By Anonymous - 17/04/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, I was relaxing alone at a bar when I was approached by the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. She was too good to be true, so I asked, "Is this some kind of a prank?" She immediately turned around and left. She thought I was calling her ugly. I'll never see her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 159

You deserved it 78 462

By spastic hardon - 12/12/2013 21:01 - Australia - Templestowe

Today, I misplaced my phone at small house party. I found it later, but not before being called a sick bastard by my crush. It seems one of my "friends" sent her a cock pic with my phone, and now she wants nothing to do with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 940

You deserved it 5 330

What about me?

By crushed - 23/05/2020 02:00

Today, my wife told me about an old boyfriend she had. She told me that they used to fool around, and that she’d give him blow jobs all the time. I never get any action like that from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 616

You deserved it 229

By anonymous - 24/04/2013 04:55 - Germany

Today, I was fired on my second day of work after a year and a half of unemployment. Apparently, my "tendency to solve problems instead of just accepting them made the other workers uneasy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 547

You deserved it 3 618

By ferrin10 - 26/07/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, I was mowing lawns for my summer job. I noticed next to me a shiny new corvette being washed by the owner. I gave a friendly wave, just as I heard a big clank as the mower blade shot a rock into the side of the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 661

You deserved it 5 212

By gonebabygone - 27/08/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, I discovered that my parents rooted through our house looking for junk to sell at a garage sale. They sold all of my books from my bookshelf. When I freaked, out my mom said 'well you never read them'. There was about $300 hidden between the pages of those books. They made $60. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 128

You deserved it 9 511

By Anon - 03/10/2009 11:43 - Australia

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I found out he was seeing someone behind my back: my ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 464

You deserved it 5 177

Creepypasta

By terrifiedanon - 29/06/2019 06:00 - United States - Denver

Today, I was at a house party and a guy needed a ride somewhere. Our designated driver, being the nice person she is, offered. I was in the back seat with him. His first words were, "Hey guys! I want to clear this awkwardness so… I once saw a 6-year-old girl die during a drive by I was on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 610

You deserved it 131

By Anonymous - 01/12/2011 03:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was casually shopping at Walmart. Everything was normal until the young guy browsing the aisle next to me suddenly approached me and whispered "sperm" into my ear. My spine has never experienced a chill like this one before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 236

You deserved it 4 374

By hungry hungry harvey - 08/05/2016 16:56 - United States

Today, my wife is so determined to keep me on my diet that, as I'm off work for the next week, she has gotten rid of all the food in the house. She has also taken the phones and iPads so I can't order a takeaway, and taken all my trousers so I can't walk to the shops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 563

You deserved it 2 505

By catwoman - 31/10/2009 04:34 - Australia

Today, I learned why my bathroom has a horrible, seemingly irremovable stench. My cat doesn't squat to pee like a normal cat. She stands up, peeing over the side of the litter tray all over the wall and floor, which are now a permanent yellow tinge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 091

You deserved it 5 448

By shadowsonicstar - 14/01/2011 01:17 - United States

Today, I had to do 40 squats with a medicine ball. I always made fun of medicine balls my whole life because they looked so easy that even senior citizens did them. I passed out in the middle of the gym. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 786

You deserved it 40 554

By bymyself - 07/02/2011 02:05

Today, the nicest thing said to me all day was from my microwave that flashes 'enjoy your meal' when it finishes cooking something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 584

You deserved it 3 808

By AtLeastHaveADecientExcuse - 28/08/2013 13:25

Today, my first date in years cancelled on me because she has to "wash the horse's hair." The date was arranged for 9:30pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 150

You deserved it 3 439

By Sisi - 29/08/2016 16:49 - United States - Mesa

Today, my roommate left a bomb looking package of cookies on the kitchen counter. My sweet tooth got the best of me and I made that split second decision of, "Oh, I'll just have one." Halfway through it, I noticed the fine print, "For dogs" on the package. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 478

You deserved it 11 065

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:15

Tee-total means that you do not drink alcohol. Ever. FYL for having a crappy work enviroment. Get it in writing and then take it up with higher management . . . Personally I think you should get extra time off for not wasting company time with hangovers like the others!

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:11

what's tee-total?

Comments

akes 0

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:07

How do they know you don't drink?

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:42

Its easy, he probably told them. And btw OP, they cant stop you taking holidays because you dont drink, your probably too slow in taking your holidays. So really, you deserve it. If you're not fast, you're last.

acoti 0

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Tuesday 15 December 2009 6:31

It doesn't matter. Just don't show up and tell them you were drinking, after all, their REASON for keeping you there is because you DON'T drink. If you said you did, you'll be alright.

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:11

what's tee-total?

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:12

yeah, what's "tee-total?"

catatonicsleep 17

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:15

it means you don't drink

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:39

But how does tee-total = doesn't drink?

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:50

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teetotalism

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:38

huh, learn something new every day.

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Monday 7 December 2009 1:37

How does "delicious" mean something tastes good? It's a word. It has a meaning.

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Monday 26 April 2010 8:52

yeah but tee total just sounds gay. and incorrect.

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:12

Do you work at DesignatedDrivers R' Us or something

PurelyCanadian 18

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Wednesday 16 April 2014 4:32

Ooh. Burn.

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:13

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

jts2 3

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:14

.. Win.

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:15

Tee-total means that you do not drink alcohol. Ever. FYL for having a crappy work enviroment. Get it in writing and then take it up with higher management . . . Personally I think you should get extra time off for not wasting company time with hangovers like the others!

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:15

pretend to have started drinking and take the time off

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:16

Welcome too my world Lol Dont worry we will have ours in the afterlife... This world we dont want!

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:16

Teetotal, you don't dash it. It means you abstain from alcohol consumption all together. You could easily file discrimination suit about that.

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:37

There's no law that says you can't make business decisions on someone's drinking habits. They don't need a reason at all to schedule an employee to work.

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:35

If his abstinence is based in religion, then there's definitely laws that prohibit this.

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Thursday 27 October 2011 11:46

But the suit will only work if OP can prove that's why he/she was scheduled. The boss can always claim OP didn't request it off or something. There really is no way of proving discrimination here.

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 20:16

This. Fucking this. Show up fucking wasted just to spite them.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 509

You deserved it 70

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 162

You deserved it 283