Miscellaneous: Today, while in the restroom washing my hands, a girl decided... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 26

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 699

You deserved it 112

17/08/2013 05:11

Today, while in the restroom washing my hands, a girl decided to let one rip while in the stall. When she came out she gave me a dirty look of disgust and said, "At least wait until I leave." She and I were the only ones in the restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 881

You deserved it 3 309

Hiding from the drama

Wise kid

Good boy

13/05/2016 19:25

Today, I asked a girl at the restaurant I work at if she'd had enough to eat. When she said yes, I said, "Are you sure?" I didn't realize how insulting it sounded until her equally overweight mom was up in my face, demanding to see my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 899

You deserved it 4 236

05/01/2011 18:35

Today, I was driving back from school 100 miles away from my home with my fiancé and dog. While stopping for gas, we accidentally left our car keys and cell phones in the car. The dog sat on one of the keys and engaged the locks. We were locked out of the car until the tow truck arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 822

You deserved it 21 578

Road rage

By Anonymous - 26/04/2021 20:00

Today, I was brake-checking a Dodge Charger who was attempting to run me off. It was an undercover police car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 290

You deserved it 1 542

27/05/2012 14:19

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were acting out a kinky scenario at home, where we'd met in a club and were having a one night stand. We ended up getting into a real argument about an imaginary girl in the club. I didn't have sex and we haven't spoken since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 976

You deserved it 35 765

10/03/2009 18:52

Spicy

Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 345

You deserved it 92 057

09/10/2011 08:30

Today, I realized that I can tell how long it has been since I have been with a guy, by the length of my leg hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 211

You deserved it 13 376

21/11/2018 15:30

Today, after my husband applied for a VA loan so we could move out of our ridiculously overpriced apartment and into our first home as a mortgage would be significantly cheaper, we were denied. If we can afford $1400/month in rent, we surely can’t be trusted with $1000/month for a mortgage, right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 117

You deserved it 181

Real life

By Anonymous - 20/01/2021 22:59

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 16 months has had an "internet-only" girlfriend since before we got together, but she wasn't ever "real" to him, so he didn't think it would get in the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 87

Really?

By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 17:01

Today, my husband and I were watching Jurassic Park. At the end of the movie, he commented on how amazed he was that they could "train those dinosaurs" to do exactly what they wanted them to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 141

You deserved it 5 599

07/09/2010 02:26

Today, I had to play Paper, Rock or Scissors and beat my boyfriend in order to get him to take a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 243

You deserved it 6 574

08/03/2013 03:53

Today, I finally got the courage to confess my feelings to the guy I have loved for a year now in a long note. He called half an hour later and said, "I'm not going to read this crap, just tell me what it says". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 638

You deserved it 8 045

09/07/2019 06:00

Today, I sat in my doctor's office and broke down, crying and shaking, with a blood pressure of 190, getting off my chest everything that has gone wrong in my life lately. To which the doctor, well into her sixties, replied, "My goodness, I've never met anyone with so many problems!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 818

You deserved it 347

12/12/2018 16:00

Today, I went to the company's health clinic to treat muscle spasms and a possible cracked rib. In the process the old quack doc and overly eager nurses wound up giving me a storng laxative and 3 enemas, two of them quite large. Then I still had to return to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 441

You deserved it 303

06/03/2014 16:24

Today, I thought I'd finally finished the special project my boss gave me of changing the eligibility details on several hundred loans. My coworker later pointed out that the document was the same as it had been hours before, and that the changes I made hadn't saved at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 359

You deserved it 7 419

31/03/2016 17:07

Today, my hair got stuck in my umbrella. I asked for help from passers-by, but all I got was weird looks as they hurried past me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 123

You deserved it 1 881

29/04/2011 19:34

Today, I found myself crying for an hour when my recreated crush on The Sims 3 game rejected my character and ran off with someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 127

You deserved it 56 299

Superanty Man

By Anonymous - 02/03/2020 03:30

Today, I met my father-in-law for the first time. He went on a big rant how men are superior intellects and women contribute nothing to society. Ironic, as it took me, a woman, 30 seconds to notice it's biologically impossible for him to be my husband's father. After 33 years, both he and my husband haven't figured it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 628

You deserved it 197

15/01/2010 12:53

Today, I found out that my anxiety disorder has escalated to where I now scratch and pick at my face while asleep. Now I get to sleep with oven mitts taped to my hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 700

You deserved it 3 094

Smile!

By Anonymous - 21/11/2017 15:00

Today, some official photographs went live on our company website. As I took a closer look, I realised I was in the background of one photo unloading boxes from a van. My trousers were halfway down my ass, flashing my butt crack for the whole internet to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 834

You deserved it 1 403

21/01/2010 05:02

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 232

You deserved it 6 282

15/04/2013 09:09

Spicy

Today, I had phone sex with my boyfriend. He had an asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 839

You deserved it 11 494

01/11/2010 20:10

Today, I realized that my parents never ground me as a punishment because I don't get out enough for it to matter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 937

You deserved it 5 961

Amazon addict

By Anonymous - 30/09/2019 04:00

Today, I found out my husband spent us into overdraft charges through compulsive online shopping. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 478

You deserved it 176

13/06/2012 12:29

Today, I called the landlord about the mouse I keep seeing in my kitchen. He wasted no time accusing me of keeping it as a pet, and went off on me about his "no pets" policy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 132

You deserved it 1 951

22/11/2011 13:22

Today, my mom read my diary. Then she frantically booked me an appointment with a psychiatrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 001

You deserved it 5 857

Single life

By sadspinster - 29/09/2019 14:00

Today, I found out that both my younger sisters are bringing their boyfriends home for Christmas. The youngest is 25, and he's actually her fiancé. The other is 30, and she and her boyfriend have been living together for over a year. I'll be the 36-year-old spinster in the twin bed upstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 498

You deserved it 305

01/08/2014 20:45

Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 308

You deserved it 25 855

Bullshit reason #874

By Anonymous - 03/11/2020 19:57

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because, she says, I have diabetes and she can’t handle the complications that may occur in the future. This after I arranged for her to take trip to Italy to ride horses, which has been on her bucket list for like 10 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 119

You deserved it 114

Dumb question

By Anonymous - 12/05/2020 14:00

Today, “Who decided that?” was apparently not the correct thing to reply to a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 558

You deserved it 1 785

28/03/2015 23:44

Today, my best friend went to my boss and offered to do my job for half the pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 206

You deserved it 2 437

Just a prank, dad

By Anonymous - 11/09/2020 17:01

Today, my son got drunk and managed to colour in my bald patch with permanent marker while I was asleep. It’s super noticeable and I look like a complete prat. Plus in a few hours, I’m supposed to be on my first date since my divorce 12 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 534

You deserved it 145

27/07/2013 01:14

Today, my phone went off, reminding me to take my birth control. Instead of vibrating as per usual, it rang. The ringtone had been changed to my boyfriend singing "It's birth control time, birth control time, take your pill, or I'll say it ain't mine." I was sitting in a quiet waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 326

You deserved it 10 251

Butt-dial

By I'm a recurring amateur porn consumer but this is bollocks. - 21/09/2021 23:00

Spicy

Today, my father sent me a video via Whatsapp. In it, he was cheating on my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 060

You deserved it 50

18/03/2011 11:28

Today, I swerved out of the way to avoid hitting a squirrel, and in the process hit another squirrel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 046

You deserved it 10 914

14/10/2009 20:19

Today, I was listening to music, talking to a boy I like on MSN. He asked if I could share the song I was listening to, so I did. It wasn't until I had shared and fully transferred it did I realise it was actually the fake radio show I record on my own, in a phoney Australian accent. All 6 minutes of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 180

You deserved it 38 299

10/12/2010 01:59

Today, I was giving a tour for parents who wanted to send their kids to our school. One of the parents had a kid on crutches with what appeared to be a broken leg, so I asked him how he broke it. He replied, "I was born like this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 377

You deserved it 6 561

19/10/2009 11:50

Today, I heard my newly divorced parents fighting about who gets to keep me. Neither of them want me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 714

You deserved it 4 140

15/11/2016 18:25

Today, while on vacation, my brother asked a native of the area for help. Once he got it, he thanked them with "muchos gracias" in the best Spanish accent he could do. We're in Japan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 656

You deserved it 1 003

24/08/2013 23:54

Spicy

Today, I suggestively asked my boyfriend to take a shower with me. He got in, washed himself, and got out, ignoring me the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 089

You deserved it 8 053

26/11/2013 05:50

Today, I took my girlfriend to a scary movie, hoping I could comfort her at a scary part. Instead when a scary part came on, she reacted by throwing up all over my lap and the person in front of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 219

You deserved it 8 683

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Top comments

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Saturday 17 August 2013 12:32

Fart right back at her! Bitch!

EpicSquishii 21

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Saturday 17 August 2013 12:58

I'd have been really immature about it and made fart noises for every step she took out out of the restroom.

Comments

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Saturday 17 August 2013 12:32

Fart right back at her! Bitch!

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Saturday 17 August 2013 12:56

Battle shits!

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Saturday 17 August 2013 13:36

I'll go for F4, then R7. Spells F4R7.

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Saturday 17 August 2013 15:24

skank you sank my destroyer!

Cleu 12

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Saturday 17 August 2013 17:07

Look at her and say, can't stop biology, BITCH!

flashback_fml 14

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Saturday 17 August 2013 20:01

Lol harold and kumar lmao

purebliss_fml 19

Saturday 17 August 2013 12:33

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Saturday 17 August 2013 13:22

A ghost in the stalls? AGAIN!?!?

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Saturday 17 August 2013 13:35

There was a third person. Just like with JFK.

PenguinBitch 43

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Saturday 17 August 2013 14:20

It was the ghost of Moaning Myrtle. Throw a book at her.

erockinthesuburb 17

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Saturday 17 August 2013 15:30

Saw some comedian on comedy central that called his own farts 'food ghosts'.

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Saturday 17 August 2013 20:08

"I don't believe girls fart... they just keep it in and it comes out later as drama..."

random_stuff 15

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Monday 19 August 2013 3:33

I don't get why this has so many down votes! I mean, with the ghost part, it was pretty obviously a joke. As a girl, I found this pretty damn hysterical. And everyone knows that girls don't fart, but they release rainbows of happiness and, as already pointed out, drama. :D

Saturday 17 August 2013 12:33

HEH HEH HEH.... let one 'rip'... RIP is rest in peace.... there was a someone who died in the bathroom.. or maybe the girl was playing a trick on you....

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Saturday 17 August 2013 12:48

*Facepalm*

EpicSquishii 21

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Saturday 17 August 2013 12:56

3- Get out.

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Saturday 17 August 2013 13:19

I'm just going to hope that English isn't your first language.. Either that or you're just an idiot.

Wizboy 17

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Saturday 17 August 2013 14:04

Nor logic, I might add :D

DrownedMyFish 18

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Saturday 17 August 2013 17:47

Stop..... just stop.

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Saturday 17 August 2013 19:25

No...

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Saturday 17 August 2013 21:39

We get it, you all disprove of his unfunny comment.

EpicSquishii 21

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Saturday 17 August 2013 23:10

Disprove?

botanistjessica 24

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Saturday 17 August 2013 23:40

Disprove is a word, but I believe the one 57 was looking for was disapprove.

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Sunday 18 August 2013 14:52

Whoops, though I think that mistake can be some-what justified because English is my second language.

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Monday 19 August 2013 7:13

This has to be the comment with the weirdest logic ive ever heard.

Fluffydemise 18

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Saturday 17 August 2013 12:34

Hey, don't knock it til you've tried it! Living in a delusional fantasy world is often a lot more fun than reality!

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Sunday 18 August 2013 5:14

Truer words have never been spoken

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Saturday 17 August 2013 12:36

Fart. F

SomeRandomGuy15 18

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Saturday 17 August 2013 17:00

Gullet. G

VeganVampyre 26

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Sunday 18 August 2013 3:34

Horse. H Wait, you mean we're not just going through all the letters of the alphabet?

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Saturday 17 August 2013 12:36

Hahaha! She was just messing with you. If not, there might have been something else in there.

MissJennyale 16

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Saturday 17 August 2013 12:36

Tell her you couldn't hold it.

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Saturday 17 August 2013 12:37

Restroom Etiquette 101: Take responsibility of all farts, sharts, poops and smells that emanated from you.

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Saturday 17 August 2013 12:45

What a weirdo. Walk away.

EpicSquishii 21

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Saturday 17 August 2013 12:58

I'd have been really immature about it and made fart noises for every step she took out out of the restroom.