Today, at the dinner table my parents were talking to my younger... - FML

By Noname - 13/3/2009 20:54 - United States

Today, at the dinner table my parents were talking to my younger sister about her new boyfriend and how they should be taking it slow. My sister then pointed out that that's not what I do. My dad said, "Believe me I know- your sister's easier to get into than community college." FML

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Understandable

Gratitude walks

Trust

By Anonymous - 15/4/2016 00:12 - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, after working like a caffeine-fuelled thunderstorm for 9 hours straight on an art project, my 2 friends informed me that it was due next week. I slept for 10 hours, and then went to my class without my project, thinking I lucked out in the long run. Clearly not, as it was due today. FML

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By nerdgirlmickey - 3/3/2013 16:05 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my girlfriend can do Heath Ledger's "Joker" voice perfectly. I'm not sure if I should be scared or impressed. FML

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By no love - 1/1/2016 22:41 - United States

Today, I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend. We didn't have sex and we didn't even kiss. All I got to do was cuddle the stuffed Minion she got me for Christmas. FML

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By friend loves a gay guy... - 23/9/2013 20:49 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my best friend told me that she no longer wants to cut herself because now she's madly in love with a guy in our school. She doesn't know that he's gay. FML

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By nano123 - 17/4/2020 08:00

Played yourself

Today, I gave myself a hickey on my bicep just to know how it feels. I'm a 28-year-old virgin and yes, that's possible. FML

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By Nudge23 - 26/9/2011 07:26 - Australia

Today, I cleared out the messages in my voicemail. Of the 50+ messages, most were from my mother wanting to know when I'd be home. I'm 27. FML

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By Bruce - 17/8/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I discovered a bat in my new apartment. I found him in my shoe... with my foot. FML

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By no sleep for me - 8/1/2013 07:44

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend to roll over while he was asleep. He snores loud enough to wake the neighbors and if he lays on his side he usually stops. Instead of rolling over, he stuck his leg in the air, farted twice, and laughed about it in his sleep. He's still snoring. FML

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By HellisLikeTheDMV - 13/7/2012 15:19 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I finally went to the DMV to replace my lost license. After waiting for almost two hours, I casually rummaged through my purse. Something strange inside the lining caught my eye. It was my license. FML

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By Jessica - 28/2/2012 19:38 - United States

Today, I got my score back for the monologue I performed. I got points taken off for "seeming nervous." My character was supposed to be nervous. FML

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By buggermonster - 16/6/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's parents' house for dinner, and I thought no one was looking, I picked my nose and put it underneath my chair. Turns out she has a little brother who found it appropriate to point at me and scream, "Booger monster, Booger monster!" FML

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By Krissy. - 31/3/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my dad and I were at the grocery store buying toilet paper. As we walk out I see these two attractive guys that I know. My dad gets that I think they're cute, so he shouts "Hey babe, how's your stomach feeling now? Will this be enough for you?" They walk away laughing. FML

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By Vee - 24/9/2017 07:00 - United States

Beast Mode

Today, my 80lb black lab decided that the moment I start doing pushups is her cue to mount me. FML

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By Jjh99q - 3/10/2017 22:30 - United States

Today, I stayed until 11 PM washing, wiping, and mopping up the entire restaurant. I forgot to clock in. FML

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By Inconnu - 18/6/2011 05:13 - France

Today, I was holding my drunken friend's hair while she threw up in the toilet at a party. She said, crying, "Y'don't have to do this..." I told her that that's what friends are for. She replied, "Yeah, but I did sleep with your boyfriend..." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2013 10:58 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, my crush kissed me for the first time. However, my hair was falling into my face and getting in the way. No problem, I wear a wig so without thinking, I simply removed it. I don't think he'll kiss me again anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 14:01

Free money for me, but not for thee

Today, my dad refuses to let me inherit all of his money, which might just put a roof over my head when I’m older. *His* money? Well, actually, he inherited it. FML

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By Adam - 18/11/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, my iPod dropped out of my pocket while I was walking. Trying to be cool, I attempted to kick it back into the air to catch it before it hit the ground. Upon making contact with my foot, It ended up detaching from my headphones and flying 10 feet. Right into a sewer grate. FML

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By misc - 8/6/2011 17:52 - Netherlands

Today, while in Holland, I lost the bag with my passport, debit and credit cards, license, and camera. I froze my accounts and filled out the paperwork for a new passport. My bag was found the second time I went to the police, with everything in it. Now my accounts are frozen for the 3 weeks I'm here. FML

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By Vincent - 2/1/2014 05:04 - United States - Overland Park

Today, I asked my mom why she had two tooth brushes: one manual and one electric. She said: "I only use the manual one for brushing my teeth." FML

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By somethingblue - 16/9/2013 21:11 - United States - Lowell

Today, it's my wedding day. Almost a year ago I was in a terrible car accident that nearly left me paralyzed, but I worked my ass off to be able to walk down the aisle. After a lot of blood, sweat, and tears I made it to the big day... and woke up with food poisoning. FML

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By must.not.itch. - 2/6/2012 23:25 - United States - Hayward

Today, on the bright side, my boobs grew a size. Unfortunately, this was only after bed bugs decided to attack my nipples. FML

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By Small_Fry_Hero - 21/10/2009 06:39 - United States

Today, I was watching a movie with my sister, my roommate, and my girlfriend. Half way through the movie, my girlfriend left the room and texted me that she was breaking up with me. She then came back in the room, sat on my bed, and enjoyed the rest of the movie with us. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2016 05:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat refuses to drink from any source of water that isn't the toilet. FML

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By icarlypoop - 11/4/2020 23:00

Good impressions last

Today, I threw up on my crush's lawn. FML

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By BodyElectric - 26/7/2016 05:06

Today, I was checking my kitten's neutering stitches when he farted so hard that a stray piece of cat shit shot out and hit me in the eye. FML

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By pregnantapparently - 10/12/2015 18:45 - United States - Durham

Today, I had been stress-eating a lot of junk food during finals week at college. I was feeling worried about my figure, and lifted up my shirt to see myself in the mirror. My boyfriend, who I didn't know was watching, promptly said, "Whoa babe, it looks like the condom broke!" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2013 20:19 - United States - San Diego

Today, my parents threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't agree to convert to their new brand of Christianity. This is a day after they ranted at me about how I should speak my mind more and not let myself be controlled by other people. FML

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By need an appendickectomy - 17/3/2013 20:12 - Finland

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me for months. It all started while I was in the hospital, he says, because we were supposed to go out that day, but then I "had to go and get sick". He blames my emergency surgery for his infidelity. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 11:45 - United States

Today, I woke up, showered, and began brushing my teeth. When I started to brush my tongue I gagged, like usual, and threw up a little. What's unusual? I threw up a cockroach. FML

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By leosmom - 25/11/2018 03:00

Today, I used a glue stick instead of my Carmex lip balm. FML

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By ShitFaced - 1/3/2012 11:35 - United States

Today, I realized I've never had sex with someone who was sober at the time. FML

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By Clumsy76 - 20/4/2018 15:00

Today, I moved into a new downstairs flat. I promptly fell down said stairs. I have a broken pelvis now and can't walk or go down steps for 3 months. FML

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By Margaret - 19/5/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, I was flying back home from college with my Mom. At the airport, the ticket agent tells us she only has one ticket listed for Margaret. My mom and I have the same name. American Airlines thought a Margaret had bought two tickets by mistake, so they cancelled one of the transactions. FML

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By embaressed - 27/1/2009 17:33 - Canada

Today, I realised I like Britney Spears. FML

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By hc11bmd - 19/6/2012 17:20 - United States - Bethel

Today, I asked a coworker what she'd bought her dad for father's day. She said that she got him some flowers, and I laughed because I thought it was a rather feminine gift for a man. I later found out that the flowers were for his grave. FML

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By scaredshitless - 3/3/2012 13:55 - Finland

Today, I downloaded an application that notifies me when my phone is fully charged. I had no idea how it actually functions, but I plugged the charger in and went to bed. A couple of hours later, I woke up to a man's voice screaming, "I can't take it anymore!" I nearly wet myself. FML

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By CanadianTwin - 6/7/2012 06:52 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I was walking in Walmart with my dad. We walked past the deodorant aisle. My dad said, "Need any deodorant?" I said, "No thanks." He replied, "That was a hint." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 14:01

Put the booze down

Today, I shat myself in front of my girlfriend's family, after drinking too much the previous night and waking up with major stomach problems. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 21:13 - United States

Today, I met my brother for the first time in 20 years. Everything was going great, until he tried to make out with me. FML

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Top comments

By cyxx | 0

#30572 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:47

Haha that was mean, but if even your dad and younger sister know about your apparently overly active sex life, there's probably some truth to that statement.

By andelizastrin | 0

#30567 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:45

It amazes me how mean and rude some parents are, if these kinds of FMLs are true.

And if it is.... I am so sorry. What a jerk : I hope he was just joking.

COMMENTS

By andelizastrin | 0

#30567 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:45

It amazes me how mean and rude some parents are, if these kinds of FMLs are true.

And if it is.... I am so sorry. What a jerk : I hope he was just joking.

Reply

Superdestroyer1 | 0

#1362137 - Monday 6 September 2010 22:49

you deserve it for having a boyfriend instead of a dildo

Reply

mrfuzzywiggles | 11

#4652651 - Thursday 5 July 2012 14:56

Her dad just made himself temporarily my favorite person in the world

Reply

idkhaha | 4

#5161025 - Sunday 18 November 2012 14:09

BAZINGA!!

By gregthestrange | 3

#30568 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:46

he's probably right though

By Kassad_fml | 0

#30570 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:47

straight with the words.... poor you.

By cyxx | 0

#30572 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:47

Haha that was mean, but if even your dad and younger sister know about your apparently overly active sex life, there's probably some truth to that statement.

By llSgtScopell | 0

#30578 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:49

Boom roasted by your dad. I hope he was joking :D

By mikawin | 0

#30585 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:55

whats with all these FML dad's making witty comments!?!?!?! :O lol funny all the same

By PureGold | 0

#30596 - Saturday 14 March 2009 2:01

A ZING if I ever saw one haha. But a dad shouldn't say things like that about their daughters in any situation...that's just horrible, even if he was joking x(.

By Special_K | 0

#30599 - Saturday 14 March 2009 2:05

that sounds like your dad had sex with you. wtf.

Reply

MunChiChi | 0

#2280346 - Saturday 2 April 2011 4:29

iSooooo Agree Wit #8. Sounds Like Dad Knows From Personal Experience.

Reply

TheSchizoPsycho | 5

#3403020 - Saturday 8 October 2011 3:00

Lol #8 " I tapped that ass too! " --father

By Jaywin | 3

#30600 - Saturday 14 March 2009 2:05

I don't know why you commenters are saying the dad is rude. Honesty with your kids is the way to go and to really get the point across, sometimes you have to leave a verbal zinger on your kids. My siblings and I got burned by our parents a lot but it made us realize our flaws. The OP probably won't be such an obvious skank now.

By Hannah_fml | 0

#30603 - Saturday 14 March 2009 2:07

She'll just be a closet skank- even better!

Reply

corporatescoundr | 25

#5791605 - Saturday 14 December 2013 9:26

Exactly what I thought reading #9's comment lmao