Miscellaneous: Today, at the dinner table my parents were talking to my younger... - FML

By Noname - United States

Today, at the dinner table my parents were talking to my younger sister about her new boyfriend and how they should be taking it slow. My sister then pointed out that that's not what I do. My dad said, "Believe me I know- your sister's easier to get into than community college." FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

The sweet smell of success

Stranded

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had plans for a romantic night with my boyfriend, who is perfect in every way possible. We were going to have sex for the first time as well. Unfortunately, I had a dream last night about him shitting all over me and I can't look at him with a straight face. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 02:04

Heaven knows I'm miserable now…

Today, my friend is acting like a martyr over not wanting to get a job and guilt tripping me for having one. I mean, I hate my job but I also like my ability to pay bills, unlike some apparently. FML

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By Meh - United States

Today, two days before my birthday, my parents drove three hours to visit me at school and take me out to lunch. I assumed that it was to celebrate my birthday. They told me they are getting divorced. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told a customer at the drive-thru I couldn't hear him as he had his music blaring too loud. The customer then drove to the window and verbally abused me for listening to my iPod at work. My "iPod" is the headset we use to take orders at the drive-thru. FML

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By gaagaa - United States

Today, a lady told me her husband had sinus surgery. I replied, "Oh, I know someone who just had that done." I then realized I meant Alexis on The Real Housewives of the OC. FML

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By thanksmom - United States - Tucson

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Dingdong

Today, I was walking out of a Starbucks and saw someone walking out behind me. Thinking it would be the nice thing to do, I held the door open. I was holding the door for about 30 seconds before realizing I was holding the door for my own shadow. FML

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By Justus Buhler

Today, my girlfriend told me that she had to go to New Hampshire for a few days for her grandma's funeral. Later I found out she spent over $1,000 dollars (on our joint account) to take a vacation with the man she was cheating on me with. FML

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By Godmish - France

Today, I received a text message from my girlfriend saying: "Do you remember last time we slept together?", I answer straight away "Of course I do, it was great!". To which she replies: "I hope you made the most of it: it was the last". FML

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By BarbieKen - United States

Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML

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By TommyNoFeet

Today, my third day training for a half marathon, I tripped and broke both of my ankles and one wrist. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mother-in-law asked if she could move in with us. FML

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By SG - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, I woke up early, went to the gym, then came home and showered. When I went into my room to change, my mom woke up and started pounding on my door, screaming about how lazy and useless I was for sleeping so late. When I tried to tell her otherwise, she grounded me for "talking back". FML

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By hatesmellyfeet - United States

Today, I boarded my flight and sat next to a man. I told him I had hoped he was a hot woman and he concurred. He said at least I wasn't obese and I replied "At least you aren't smelly". Minutes later I realize he had the most disgusting foot odour ever... the barefoot kind. I suffered for 11 hours. FML

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By fuck you btichass cuntshit - United States - Shelburne

Today, I accidentally dropped and shattered my small bathroom mirror. My sister came to see what was going on, took one look at the shattered mirror, and said, "About time you put it out if its misery." FML

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By Franklin - United States - Fairbanks

Keeping it in the family!

Today, we got the results of our family's ancestry DNA tests. My father isn't related to me, but my grandfather is still my grandfather. Apparently grandma cheated on grandpa to get 'dad', and my mother cheated on 'dad' with my 'uncle' to get me. FML

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By cheekymac - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the airport baggage collection when I saw an old man struggling to get his very old and heavy suitcase off the belt before giving up. I had already collected my bag, but wanting to be helpful, the old man watched me as I grabbed his handle, yanked and snapped it clean off. FML

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By sad - 1/10/2020 16:06 - United Kingdom

Never trust Facebook

Today, I left a gift on my colleague's desk, with a note saying I liked him. He brought it over and handed it back, and told me he's married. His Facebook says he is single. FML

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By kellyem2

Today, I found out that when my boss said she was considering bumping me up to full time, she actually meant she was planning on letting me go. Everyone in the office except me knew. FML

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By what did I do? - Australia - Sydney

Today, my ex boyfriend got into a physical fight with the guy I've been casually seeing for 9 months. Afterwards, they had a beer, a long chat, and decided this was my fault and I wasn't worth the drama. FML

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By NoValentine - United States

Today, I realized the reason I was asked to babysit 3 weeks ago for Feb 14 was because the old married couple with kids safely assumed that I wouldn't have a Valentine. FML

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By Sadface - United States

Today, my 15 year old son told me he had his first kiss. I told him how I was the same age when I had mine, and then I told him all kinds of wild stories about things I did in my childhood and college life. Truth is, I made them all up. I didn't get kissed till I was 24, and laid till I was 28. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while enjoying a truly epic move from my wife in the hotel shower, I managed to accidentally pull the "grab bar" from the wall and clock her in the side of the head. Three stitches at the Urgent Care later, she's explaining to the entire waiting room how it happened. FML

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By comeuntome - United States

Today, it's the first day of my two-week stay at my in-laws' house. They forbid drinking, smoking, cursing, and anything even remotely sexual. I smuggled in my quietest toy to keep me sane in this holy house. If only I hadn't forgotten to bring the battery pack too. FML

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By milf - United States - Muncie

Today, I was changing my son's diaper when he said "Momma." Astonished that he'd finally spoken, I clapped and smiled proudly. My clap scared the crap out of him. Literally. FML

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By Leyla - United States - Franklin

Today, my boyfriend and I respectfully asked my landlady if he could stay with me until he gets back on his feet. He was robbed at gunpoint in his house last night. Landlady then yelled because we aren't married, and then showed up at my door at 10pm, "just making sure John isn't here". FML

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By PainStressLife - United States - Dublin

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

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By inosehowthatgotthere - United States

Today, the woman giving me a manicure found a booger under one of my fingernails. FML

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By TooTallNiCo - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my mom and we were talking about how to tell my brother that Santa Clause isn't real. After we finished our conversation, I heard someone crying. Little did I know, two little kids and their parents were sitting in the booth behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 00:58 - Canada - Brandon

Time marches on

Today, after looking back at our high school photos, I told my fiancée I’ve been scared lately that I’m getting uglier with age, and that I was much prettier back then. He got really quiet, and then agreed with me.. I’m only 24. FML

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By happy bday - Canada

Today, is my 21st birthday. My friends took me to a bar to celebrate, knowing I don't drink. I am now in charge of driving my friends home after they had an awesome night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I gave my cat a little kiss on the head. Just as I was about to tell him I love him, he sneezed directly into my face. It's been two hours and I still can't get the taste of cat snot out of my mouth. I probably need to get a life. FML

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By Bobby - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while housesitting my neighbor's dogs the phone rang. I answered it and a voice said, "Stop checking your Facebook and take care of my dogs. They look like they need to go out." FML

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By fired - United States

Today, my boss was being a total asshole. While in the bathroom, he turned his back on me, so I gave him the finger, mouthed obscenities, and pantomimed stabbing him with a knife. He was looking in the mirror and saw everything. FML

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By MrDanito - Czech Republic - Lysa Nad Labem

Today, I never thought I would see a blowjob from the perspective of the viewer, but it happened, in our open-space office. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Barrington

Today, I decided to try wearing eyeshadow, even though I'm not that girly. When I asked for help after several failed attempts, my sister walked in and said, "It's easy, just do what I do." She put the makeup on herself and looked amazing. She's eight. FML

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By JustMyLuck - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriends house, meeting his family for the first time. We were all standing in the kitchen when suddenly a small white and brown mouse ran by. As a natural instinct, I stomped on it. Turns out, it was his little sister's pet mouse that had gotten out of its cage earlier. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was trying on dresses in a stall that requires an employee of the store to have a key to open. After I took off one dress to go to another, an employee quickly opens my door, to give the stall to someone else. The entire store could see me in my granny panties and bra. FML

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By sierra - 11/3/2021 02:02

The sleepwalkers are at it again!

Today, my mom told me she’d never forgive me for eating her birthday candy. I ate it in my sleep. FML

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Top comments

By cyxx | 0

#30572 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:47

Haha that was mean, but if even your dad and younger sister know about your apparently overly active sex life, there's probably some truth to that statement.

By andelizastrin | 0

#30567 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:45

It amazes me how mean and rude some parents are, if these kinds of FMLs are true.

And if it is.... I am so sorry. What a jerk : I hope he was just joking.

COMMENTS

By andelizastrin | 0

#30567 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:45

It amazes me how mean and rude some parents are, if these kinds of FMLs are true.

And if it is.... I am so sorry. What a jerk : I hope he was just joking.

Reply

Superdestroyer1 | 0

#1362137 - Monday 6 September 2010 22:49

you deserve it for having a boyfriend instead of a dildo

Reply

mrfuzzywiggles | 11

#4652651 - Thursday 5 July 2012 14:56

Her dad just made himself temporarily my favorite person in the world

Reply

idkhaha | 4

#5161025 - Sunday 18 November 2012 14:09

BAZINGA!!

By gregthestrange | 3

#30568 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:46

he's probably right though

By Kassad_fml | 0

#30570 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:47

straight with the words.... poor you.

By cyxx | 0

#30572 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:47

Haha that was mean, but if even your dad and younger sister know about your apparently overly active sex life, there's probably some truth to that statement.

By llSgtScopell | 0

#30578 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:49

Boom roasted by your dad. I hope he was joking :D

By mikawin | 0

#30585 - Saturday 14 March 2009 1:55

whats with all these FML dad's making witty comments!?!?!?! :O lol funny all the same

By PureGold | 0

#30596 - Saturday 14 March 2009 2:01

A ZING if I ever saw one haha. But a dad shouldn't say things like that about their daughters in any situation...that's just horrible, even if he was joking x(.

By Special_K | 0

#30599 - Saturday 14 March 2009 2:05

that sounds like your dad had sex with you. wtf.

Reply

MunChiChi | 0

#2280346 - Saturday 2 April 2011 4:29

iSooooo Agree Wit #8. Sounds Like Dad Knows From Personal Experience.

Reply

TheSchizoPsycho | 5

#3403020 - Saturday 8 October 2011 3:00

Lol #8 " I tapped that ass too! " --father

By Jaywin | 3

#30600 - Saturday 14 March 2009 2:05

I don't know why you commenters are saying the dad is rude. Honesty with your kids is the way to go and to really get the point across, sometimes you have to leave a verbal zinger on your kids. My siblings and I got burned by our parents a lot but it made us realize our flaws. The OP probably won't be such an obvious skank now.

By Hannah_fml | 0

#30603 - Saturday 14 March 2009 2:07

She'll just be a closet skank- even better!

Reply

corporatescoundr | 25

#5791605 - Saturday 14 December 2013 9:26

Exactly what I thought reading #9's comment lmao