Intimacy: Today, after three unsuccessful months of trying to make me orgasm,...

By hahanosirr - 21/05/2011 20:02 - United States

Today, after three unsuccessful months of trying to make me orgasm, my boyfriend finally succeeded. It came from his car bumping up and down while we drove down a pot-holed road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 946

You deserved it 6 093

Intimacy

Own it

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By fuck no - 22/08/2015 10:18 - India - Kollam

Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 078

You deserved it 7 995

By lex31 - 14/02/2012 13:24 - United States

Today, I received my first Valentine's day present ever: a dead mouse from my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 020

You deserved it 3 739

Gotta get that delivery dopamine rush

By Anonymous - 06/10/2021 05:00

Today, I've been waiting two months for eight eBay purchases to make it through my country's fucked up customs fiasco. I'm reduced to vicariously sharing in my husband's delivery of a litre of industrial vinegar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 621

You deserved it 110

Cooked it up

By ruined - 15/04/2020 17:00

Today, I made the most perfect prime rib of my life at an amazing medium rare. I was so distracted dyeing eggs with my kids that I didn’t notice my mom cut the meat, then deciding to shove it back into the oven as it was “too pink” for her liking. She incinerated it beyond all recognition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 064

You deserved it 288

Fix up, look sharp

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 663

You deserved it 9 457

By Anonymous - 18/03/2015 15:02 - Australia - Mangerton

Today, while camping, I was given the sex talk, along with visuals created with marshmallows and a roasting fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 449

You deserved it 3 444

By getafucktoysomewhereelsedude - 16/05/2013 20:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to listen to yet another delusional fuckface at school bitch about how a girl he's interested in put him in the "friend-zone". I really couldn't focus on my work, so I tried to shut him up by saying he's an idiot, not least because she already has a boyfriend. I now have a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 073

You deserved it 17 208

By icandothecancan - 21/06/2014 23:14 - United States - Duncan

Today, while in the yard, my 18-month-old son decided to take off running into the road, where a car was driving. I rushed after him, only for one of my dress straps to suddenly break without warning. It must have looked like I was trying to flag down the driver with my flailing tit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 547

You deserved it 6 113

By Devin - 21/06/2019 22:17

Today, my dog chewed through his leash, so I had to take him inside to prevent him from running off. I went to bed. I woke up to torn-up blinds, half-ate sandals, and a very, very anxious cat due to my dog running after her and trying to sniff her butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 378

You deserved it 680

By Anonymous - 13/01/2011 23:00 - United States

Today, while working at a dollar store, I was clobbered by a woman because apparently, I was ripping her off by charging two dollars for two doughnuts. She didn't understand that she couldn't buy multiple items at once for one dollar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 438

You deserved it 2 668

By christine brown - 26/08/2011 12:03 - United States

Today, I got suspended for bringing a "hazardous weapon" to school. They were earrings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 641

You deserved it 3 701

By Anonymous - 20/02/2019 04:00

Today, I was driving my dad, who recently turned 50, to the store and had to listen to him go on and on that he’s having to accept that, as my siblings and I get older and are more independent, he’s having to transition from "sex god to just a dad." I don't know either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 974

You deserved it 169

By Anonymous - 06/02/2011 19:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 961

You deserved it 3 510

By Anonymous - 12/03/2015 13:43 - United States - Orlando

Today, I had a dream that I was making pancakes. I need to get out more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 647

You deserved it 4 753

By Doy - 19/12/2011 06:31 - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't know what I was going to do over the Christmas holidays since he was going to be out of the country. He suggested that I work out and do some sit-ups. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 468

You deserved it 8 529

By Anonymous - 02/01/2013 19:02 - Canada - Belle River

Today, at a house party, I finally got the guy I've been seeing alone in his room. We started making out, and I got on top of him to take control. He responded by saying he couldn't do it because he needed to go make pizza for his friends, and then bolted out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 857

You deserved it 9 829

By erockinthesuburb - 16/10/2013 00:38 - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was maced. Not by a person, but rather by one of those automatic air fresheners in the bathroom. It was conveniently placed at eye level, you know, for freshness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 144

You deserved it 3 278

Landlords are social parasites

By Anonymous - 30/08/2020 07:01 - United Kingdom

Today, in the middle of a pandemic, which has made it impossible for me to get a job for the last 4 months, my landlord has decided the one thing I need is a rental increase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 740

You deserved it 177

By Fmycatslife - 26/07/2009 23:18 - United States

Today, I got my cat stuffed after her death. I brought her home and set her down by my couch. I guess my dog thought it was a new chew toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 831

You deserved it 78 094

By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 01:16 - United States

Today, we were building the homecoming float, the theme is Seasons of Love. We went around the yard and put random leaves on the float. My friend's dad looked at the float and said, "You do realize that's poison ivy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 778

You deserved it 30 194

The curse

By Ahh - 14/08/2020 23:02

Today, as usual, my period cramps got go bad that I can't eat or drink without taking a pain killer, and end up puking and passing out if I take a pain killer before I eat. Here's to 30 smooth years yet to come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 274

You deserved it 102

By Anonymous - 16/08/2019 06:00

Today, I came home to my parents holding my marijuana. They told me that I had the stupidest hiding place ever, and that I was, "not only a pothead, but a dumbfuck pothead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 664

You deserved it 2 499

By Anonymous - 29/06/2016 14:42 - United States - Pardeeville

Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 244

You deserved it 1 227

By thatwas10yearsago - 28/09/2012 02:41 - United States - Reston

Today, I found out why the girl I like won't give me the time of day. Apparently, I called her ugly and pushed her into a puddle when we were in kindergarten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 424

You deserved it 30 893

By pepsifoot - 16/04/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, I got hurt and spent the remainder of the day limping. I wish I could say it was from something badass like roller derby, but I can't. A woman with a rolling cart filled with packs of Pepsi rolled over my foot on the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 021

You deserved it 4 093

By freed - 29/01/2014 05:13 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my boyfriend finally succeeded in unhooking my bra with one hand, excitedly exclaiming, "Boobies be free!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 529

You deserved it 12 243

By Anonymous - 19/02/2010 20:36 - United States

Today, I discovered that when business is slow at my family-owned store, my daughter and another employee make a habit of sneaking away to the back room. I have literally been paying this kid to screw around with my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 389

You deserved it 5 188

Well read

By Anonymous - 13/10/2021 05:00

Today, I vented to someone about being left on read by someone else, and they left me on read as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 556

You deserved it 383

By Anonymous - 08/01/2010 05:39 - United States

Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 343

You deserved it 31 341

By Anon - 18/05/2011 11:47 - United States

Today, we got a new dry-erase board, and I drew the Gotham City skyline complete with the Bat Signal. Later, I went downstairs, only to find my mom had written "BATMAN'S GAY" over the top of the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 833

You deserved it 10 556

Knackered

By Anonymous - 25/11/2021 08:01

Today, when I got home from work exhausted and literally ready to fall over, my mom had me carry several heavy bags of dog food for her. Yesterday, it was coals; before that it was horse feed and gas bottles. Before that, I'd just asked her to keep the hard, physical work to the weekends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 727

You deserved it 171

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 23:29 - United States

Today, I discovered that the wintergreen breath mints I've been taking for a week now, are actually circular, flavored, white and green laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 216

You deserved it 28 381

'Murica

By Maryann - 08/02/2018 01:30

Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, "Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 276

You deserved it 623

By why - 23/07/2013 13:21

Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 120

You deserved it 3 684

By notgoodenough38 - 27/12/2009 22:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me for my sister. I can't stop thinking about all those days they went out alone for "girl time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 565

You deserved it 3 852

Sweet!

By Linda - 21/01/2021 17:02

Today, I learned a hard lesson: when you order 12 artificial sweeteners and 6 packets of raw sugar with your home-delivered Starbucks coffee so that you can have a small hoard to sweeten up the coffee you already have at home, they just may put all 18 items in the cup and stir it up to your apparent liking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 274

You deserved it 1 930

By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 07:23 - Australia

Today, I was doing a study on homeless people and how they manage to stay alive on the streets. Turns out the one I was studying today was given more money than I make in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 343

You deserved it 2 926

Family

By megamonster99 - 07/11/2016 15:06 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I helped my hoarder grandfather clean out his garage. Not only did I step on a nail, I also slipped in a puddle of used oil that's been sitting out for two years, and broke my nose. He didn't pay me since I wasn't able to finish the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 230

You deserved it 989

By ForeverAlone - 03/02/2018 15:00

Today, I asked my crush if she wanted to see a movie with me. She said no because she already saw it. The movie is coming out next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 768

You deserved it 355

By GnarCarBar - 12/09/2011 23:03 - United States

Today, I woke up to the feeling of someone tickling my back. I quickly realized I haven't been touched in so long that I was smiling to flies landing on me in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 725

You deserved it 4 644

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Top comments

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 2:12

Back of a pickup while someone else drives next time then?

hiyourcute 0

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Sunday 22 May 2011 2:20

Why do I picture you paying someone to drive you down that road every night from now on?

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 2:12

Back of a pickup while someone else drives next time then?

nerdpower_fml 1

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Sunday 22 May 2011 3:18

Your profile pic scares the bejesus out of me.

anorexicbarbie 8

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Sunday 22 May 2011 3:25

Your picture is amazing 1! You should go to one of those zombie walks.

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 3:28

Why thank you smoking monkey. I keep him in the basement.

emsbitch 0

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Sunday 22 May 2011 3:40

your profile pic is going to be in my nightmares.

futtbuck101 1

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Sunday 22 May 2011 5:48

I'll drive my limo into your pothole

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 6:10

Real mature 80...

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 6:12

Real mature 80...

cocobulla1 4

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Sunday 22 May 2011 6:12

81, ikr, that was immature and I laughed at ur stupid comment! ><

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 6:23

Laughed at which comment 83? You damn kids and your hip young lingo...IKR?

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 6:25

Laughed at which comment 83? You damn kids and your hip young lingo...IKR?

PhilMcHawk 7

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Sunday 22 May 2011 8:02

IKR: I know, right?!

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 8:06

Thanks 100. Much obliged.

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 8:07

Thanks 100. Much obliged.

kay2kay 1

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Sunday 22 May 2011 9:31

You are on a double-posting spree!

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 10:58

Yeah...it's a bit ridiculous...

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 11:00

Yeah...it's a bit ridiculous...

Cookie4U 0

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Sunday 22 May 2011 15:29

Dude nice zombie... But your eyes look human, they need to be black and void of a soul. Anyway this FML is messed up, I reckon she should have jumped on his gear stick as he drove.... not a literal gear stick I meant his Johnson

adrianblackett 0

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Sunday 22 May 2011 16:11

WTF ... who doesnt kno what ikr is... lmao

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 19:50

This will most likely post twice so bear with me here...I didn't know what IKR means because my life doesn't revolve around Internet slang. So you can take your OMG's, LOL's, FTW's, BFF's, and IKR's and shove them up your ass.

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 19:52

116- Thanks for the compliment. I couldn't find a decent pair of black out contacts, so I went with red. I guess it's more of an "infected" look rather than soulless zombie.

deathmetalkill 3

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Monday 23 May 2011 7:13

jvillan, what does your shirt say?

livin_plur 0

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Monday 23 May 2011 7:27

120 I didn't know until right now, you think I would concidering I'm only 17 but like zombie man said, not everyone automatically knows the meaning of all these ridiculous word shortenings

4thizzle20 0

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Saturday 18 June 2011 9:36

agreed. I didn't know until now either and I'm 17 as well so I think you(120) should get the hell off the computer once in a while

Suicideseason5 0

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Sunday 22 May 2011 2:12

fail

EatnBeef 7

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Sunday 22 May 2011 5:03

toys are nice

Redneck42 0

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Monday 23 May 2011 7:09

just like your dads condom

pablo132 3

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Monday 23 May 2011 9:23

haha that was fuckin funny

RawrNom 0

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Monday 23 May 2011 22:35

how the hell is orgasming a fail?! your sex life must suck!

WillKill4Beer 0

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Sunday 22 May 2011 2:14

Wow!.... Sounds like ol boy isn't putting out, lol.

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 2:14

Back of a pickup while someone else drives next time then?

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 3:23

what the hell? i didn't post this twice.

jvillan87 5

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Sunday 22 May 2011 3:25

what the hell? i didn't post this twice.

btnhdude 0

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Sunday 22 May 2011 4:53

Agahah that's some funny shit

sourgirl101 28

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Sunday 22 May 2011 5:02

It's funny how your first post is getting thumbs up while this one is the opposite.(:

imacreeper 3

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Monday 23 May 2011 5:43

you're in denial.

iloveboyswittats 10

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Sunday 22 May 2011 2:15

Sounds like you need to tell him what you like. He can't read your mind.

Kawboy 1

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Tuesday 24 May 2011 4:03

agree!

sassypants93 17

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Sunday 22 May 2011 2:18

Now you know where you should drive more often!

agaba 0

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Sunday 22 May 2011 6:55

i have that same telescope

rockyraccoon28 8

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Sunday 22 May 2011 7:01

you know who else has that same telescope? MY MOM!

sassypants93 17

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Sunday 22 May 2011 7:02

haha it wasn't mine. I was on Isle Royale :)

hiyourcute 0

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Sunday 22 May 2011 2:20

Why do I picture you paying someone to drive you down that road every night from now on?

imcutefml 0

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Sunday 22 May 2011 2:47

win

sourgirl101 28

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Sunday 22 May 2011 2:20

Time to sit on the rinse cycle next. Washing clothes will have new meaning.

sxe_beast 11

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Sunday 22 May 2011 2:36

Not if you own a fancy environmentally friendly front load washing machine. Our washing machines have a "Perfect Balance" mechanism that prevents them from vibrating. They're super quiet and barely move. Sitting on top of them would provide no more pleasure than sitting on the ground :/