Health: Today, after months of exercise and diets and finally reaching... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 331

You deserved it 88

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 135

You deserved it 1 185

15/10/2013 17:08

Today, after months of exercise and diets and finally reaching my ideal weight, I told my morbidly obese cousin about my success, hoping to motivate him to do the same. He replied, "Why would it matter, you're still ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 264

You deserved it 5 762

Taking stock

Lightweight

Stealth attack

29/08/2014 21:22

Today, my little sister was using my phone to play games. About an hour later, she came to me and said my phone wouldn't work. Turns out my phone had gotten hot and she put it in water to cool it down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 135

You deserved it 5 323

04/02/2015 03:13

Today, I saw my co-worker write about how awful Muslims were and how the religion is stupid, the hijab is oppressive, and how they're a poison on society. When I questioned them about it, they pretty much said that I didn't know anything and should stop talking. I'm Muslim and a hijabi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 937

You deserved it 6 154

26/06/2019 14:03

Today, I woke up on the floor with my feet still in the bed. I had passed out while vomiting into a bucket, since I couldn't make it to the bathroom in time. The bucket had spilled all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 395

You deserved it 585

27/10/2014 15:40

Today, I overheard my co-workers talking about how they don't need flu shots because everyone else gets them. These people are in the medical industry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 436

You deserved it 3 469

26/06/2009 16:51

Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 762

You deserved it 29 700

02/04/2009 17:07

Today, my cell phone broke. It wouldn't even turn on. I went online to access my account so that I could order a new phone. I couldn't remember my password. The phone company had an option of "forgot my password". Upon clicking I get a message saying "Your password will be sent to your phone". FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 597

You deserved it 6 220

06/07/2017 11:58

Today, I spent 2 hours scrubbing puke off the dishes in the kitchen. Why? Because my moronic flatmate was dared by his equally moronic friend to drink a bottle of castor oil and then eat an entire jar of marmite. As a result, he projectile vomited all over all the dishes and left me to clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 166

You deserved it 436

24/06/2018 15:00

Today, I was training a new volunteer at a clothing donation center. While explaining how to sort donations, I reached into a garbage bag full of clothes and something on my hand caught my eye. It was a bed bug. The bag was full of them and they sought refuge up my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 889

You deserved it 262

28/07/2013 16:23

Today, I was preparing a customer's meal in my restaurant's kitchen, when I choked on my own saliva and went into a coughing fit. The head chef, who's always hated my guts, accused me of trying to hock a loogie into the meal and fired me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 573

You deserved it 3 561

08/04/2009 14:48

Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 661

You deserved it 98 787

13/05/2015 23:19

Today, I stuck my hand out the car window and noticed my arm fat flapping in the wind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 670

You deserved it 10 424

29/04/2011 12:53

Today, my boyfriend of nearly two years broke up with me because he's sick of me being annoyed at him. Why am I annoyed at him? Because he wants to go and spend a week with his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 476

You deserved it 5 295

07/11/2010 22:07

Today, I was told by my neighbors that my guitar playing sounded a dying cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 450

You deserved it 23 424

15/04/2009 02:15

Today, I was telling my sister about how I am horribly depressed and how I can't function and she responded with, "Oh, shit! I've got to go Jeopardy is on!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 573

You deserved it 5 947

13/02/2013 05:07

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting his parents. I'm nervous around them so he encouraged me to drink so I'd loosen up. I got so drunk I tore up all the things in his old room I thought were from ex-girlfriends and accidentally flashed his dad my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 541

You deserved it 56 594

14/06/2012 08:11

Today, I was out to coffee with an extremely attractive friend. A crazy man came up to the window we were facing. He took one look at her, then turned to me with a big, congratulatory smile, flashing me a thumbs-up. Then he turned to her, frowned disappointedly and gave a thumbs-down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 464

You deserved it 2 425

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

By Anonymous - 07/09/2020 04:02

Today, after a year and a half, I finally cut things off with my ex completely because I was starting to have feelings for someone else. Right after I cut my ex off, the other girl that I liked cut things off with me, and threw my ass in the friendzone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 538

You deserved it 1 757

22/10/2011 04:07

Today, while cooking with my girlfriend, I thought it would be funny to slap her with a raw porkchop. She thought it would be funny to throw the hot cooking grease on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 380

You deserved it 54 696

23/10/2009 05:01

Today, I had lunch with some important potential clients at a fancy restaurant. I really wanted to make a good impression. When the piano music stopped, I started clapping while looking around for the pianist. Apparently, it was a CD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 145

You deserved it 40 855

07/11/2009 08:12

Today, I stepped on a piece of glass and sliced my right foot open. Hobbling to get my first aid kit, I tripped and stepped on a pair of heels, and sliced my left foot open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 914

You deserved it 5 014

18/07/2015 06:01

Today, while walking down the street, a truck hit a puddle and splashed me with water. After I cursed and flipped him off, he put his truck in reverse and splashed me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 141

You deserved it 9 722

27/08/2009 11:51

Today, I got home from work, and saw a note on the counter my roomate left saying "Sorry about the basement." I then went into the basement, and found that it was flooded. My TV, Xbox360, mini-fridge, and couch were all destroyed. Good thing he tried to stop the leak with scotch tape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 784

You deserved it 2 612

04/11/2018 12:00

Today, my son watched some ridiculous Japanese cartoon about shokugeki cooking and is convinced he's the greatest cook ever by copying what happens in the show. He set fire to my frying pan, panicked, and dumped it in the ceramic sink, which cracked from the heat and flooded my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 011

You deserved it 340

11/12/2018 15:30

Today, my mother once again called me to remind me what a disappointment I am despite having two degrees, a house, a professional job and having never been unemployed at 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 090

You deserved it 174

03/01/2011 10:08

Today, my ex-girlfriend came over to console me after a breakup. After beating me repeatedly in Mariokart, she decided to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 091

You deserved it 8 471

24/05/2013 21:43

Spicy

Today, a package was delivered to my house, addressed to me, clearly marked "sexual health products". Inside were condoms, birth control pills, and an invoice made out to me. My parents went ballistic and grounded me. Whoever staged this "hilarious" prank: well played, asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 421

You deserved it 6 268

10/08/2011 17:47

Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 872

You deserved it 5 884

21/07/2012 08:00

Today, I overheard my 11-year-old son giving my 8-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 832

You deserved it 5 001

Should've stayed home, basically

By SoftwareDev - 27/06/2017 02:00

Today, after getting booked off work for being sick, I go to work anyway. On the way home, I stop by a colleagues fairwell, being the paranoid type of guy I make sure my car is locked about 3-4 times and head in. Later I get home to find my laptop has been stolen from my boot with my medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 285

You deserved it 602

13/11/2010 06:07

Spicy

Today, while at work, I got a call. They left a voicemail. It was a 7 minute voicemail of the mattress squeaking and my mom screaming my dad's name. I am going to their house for supper tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 475

You deserved it 3 108

03/05/2012 03:29

Today, my Dad and I killed a cockroach with a large metal pole. It was the most bonding experience we have ever had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 287

You deserved it 2 631

Smooth.

By yosmurf - 13/08/2018 23:31

Today, I finished taking a huge dump at the public restroom at the mall. When I got up to wipe, my wrist clipped my butt and knocked my brand new Apple Watch into the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 066

You deserved it 1 167

15/11/2014 13:25

Today, I woke myself up by letting out a long fart. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't fallen asleep while on jury duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 860

You deserved it 9 415

20/09/2013 05:52

Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time in many years. Upon arrival, she kicked me out because my outfit did not follow the same color-scheme as her decor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 612

You deserved it 3 260

07/03/2009 18:28

Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 263

You deserved it 19 382

30/06/2011 07:24

Today, I introduced my first serious boyfriend to my mother over dinner. He is Asian. My mom insisted on calling him "Ching Chong". His name is Kevin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 079

You deserved it 5 229

04/09/2011 22:10

Today, I was pulled over for a DWI. The police officer was drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 496

You deserved it 4 596

Pseudoscience [gone sexual!!]

By Anonymous - 22/07/2021 18:01

Today, I went to a chiropractor and got a membership just because I was desperate to be touched by a man after being single for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 680

You deserved it 264

09/06/2014 14:27

Today, I got yelled at by a customer while working at a bank call center. He was furious I apologized for a mistake that someone else had made. I again apologized for apologizing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 827

You deserved it 4 940

Paaaaaaarty!

By Boyufd - 16/08/2019 22:00

Today, it's my birthday. I'd planned an outside party in my backyard, and I'd invited all of my friends. Only 2 of them showed up. It also rained today, even though it wasn't supposed to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 645

You deserved it 164

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 22:51

He's just jealous. Don let it get to you. Good job on your success!

CommentModerated 17

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 22:51

Nice cousin you got there

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CommentModerated 17

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 22:51

Nice cousin you got there

\ 28

Tuesday 15 October 2013 23:07

At least OP would survive a zombie apocalypse

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 23:19

Sounds just like my best friend.. I have been losing weight and getting healthier and she has been nothing but negative to me because she doesn't want me to be smaller than her. You never realize the true nature of people until you start changing for the better.

greeneyebeauty9 28

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 23:21

right. it's better to be ugly than a complete asshole.

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 23:30

It will matter when you be rolling up with the chicks ;)

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Wednesday 16 October 2013 0:13

Lol... Should've had a v8

ohsnapcrackers 6

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Wednesday 16 October 2013 1:00

I understand that she just wanted to help but if you go up to someone who weighs a lot more than you and tell them about your weight loss, it might have just come off as bragging. maybe he was just getting defensive? (abeit in a really mean way)

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Wednesday 16 October 2013 2:21

@42 You have to be able to pull your own weight before you can pull bitches.

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Wednesday 16 October 2013 3:32

You cousin is really rude... Good job OP your awesome for doing that! And it sounds like she doesn't want to try cause she knows she'll still be ugly.

threer 30

Wednesday 16 October 2013 4:34

Umm... Both are male. >_>"

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Wednesday 16 October 2013 5:06

I think like he was just trying to have his cousins best interest at heart. Not at all bragging

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Wednesday 16 October 2013 7:07

Op might have had his cousin's best interest at heart, but to someone overweight... I am sure he has heard the same song and dance before. Op comes up to him, saying "look at how fit I am, you should be like me" and of course he would react in a negative way.

ChevyRedneck85 13

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Wednesday 16 October 2013 16:14

I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly

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Wednesday 16 October 2013 22:22

Don't make me snap my fingers!

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 22:51

He's just jealous. Don let it get to you. Good job on your success!

1PersonIsMyWorld 22

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Wednesday 16 October 2013 6:24

ya I don't think we know the whole story op. if you normally brag about yourself then you sound annoying and I'd say the same thing to you if you were telling me how much weight youve lost. no one likes a cocky stuck up person always throwing their success in your face.

boredSOLDIER 33

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 22:51

I'm sure you're not, chin up OP, and grats on your awesome feat

thatkid00117 16

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 23:06

Now would be a perfect time to chin up, considering he probably only has one now

KushCrushin89 10

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Wednesday 16 October 2013 8:46

How are you so sure op isn't ugly? As much as people would like you to believe it, not everyone is beautiful.

Ugi 26

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Thursday 5 December 2013 12:34

That depends very much on your point of view - everyone has someone out there who will think they are beautiful. And OP probably just widened that pool a little!

golden_warrior 23

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 22:51

What's that I smell? A hater with hint of BBQ sauce from last nights mcdonalds

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 22:51

Screw you're cousin

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 22:54

*your

Zebediabolical 39

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 23:00

Actually there's not a single state in the union where it's illegal to have sex with or marry a first cousin. As of a year or so ago, at least.

Acik91 26

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 23:15

23, and you know this, because...?

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 23:17

West Va it is illegal.

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 23:50

23's picture kinda explains it...

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Wednesday 16 October 2013 0:36

that is surprising to me, 36

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 22:53

Congrats! Get his fat ass motivated!

fakedsincerity 32

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 22:54

his jealousy makes him ugly. hold your head up high, OP!

MrBoredomioo 18

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Wednesday 16 October 2013 7:21

And his fat rolls. Those aren't helping his image either

NoFlippinWai 24

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 22:55

Awe, The stench of Hateraide is strong with this one. No worries OP Hatets make you famous. Oh look, you're already published. lolz.

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 22:55

And he will still be fat. Jealously is a terrible thing.

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Tuesday 15 October 2013 22:56

Unhappy people try to make others unhappy. Congrats on your success. I hope your cousin finds his motivation.