Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went... - FML

By dan - 25/6/2013 04:22 - United States - Phoenix

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

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Tense

Mr Sensitivity

Lockdown is driving us down

By notmyday - 25/2/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes." FML

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By Lovestupid - 3/11/2009 09:25 - Australia

Today, I woke up extremely hungover next to a guy I have been in love with for a while but hadn't seen for ages. Turns out he had a bet going with his mates. He bet he could get me to sleep with him straight away even after not calling me for a month. He was right. FML

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By Tooloud - 24/3/2013 23:21 - Canada

Today, my roommates decided to hold an intervention. They told me I would have to break up with my boyfriend because they don't want people having sex in our apartment during college exams. My boyfriend agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, after coming home from hanging out with a few friends, my mom told me that I shouldn't hang out with them any more. Why? Because "they are way hotter than I am and I'll never get a boyfriend if I'm always the ugly one in my group." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 22:02

Power move

Today, I was walking my girlfriend to class when my friend came by and playfully punched me in the arm. Trying not to look like a wimp, I turned around to hit him in the arm. Instead, I ended up punching a girl in the face. Now my girlfriend won't talk to me and I'm suspended. FML

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By not a jesse pinkman joke - 16/3/2015 17:55 - United States - Princeton

Today, my dad turned up drunk to an intervention for my brother's drug addiction. FML

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By outie - 13/9/2020 02:02

Genetics

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I have an 'outie' belly button, and he didn't want our potential kids to have one. FML

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By howard1954 - 8/6/2015 15:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found the courage to tell my parents about my boyfriend. They reacted by simply lecturing me for an hour about how much he'll ruin my life and how much they don't like him. They haven't met him yet. FML

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By Carebeareatu - 13/3/2020 15:00

Keeping up appearances

Today, my friends gave me a complete makeover, which included clothes from their wardrobe, to prepare me for an upcoming job interview. I was then declined the position, because apparently, I "looked too wealthy" to need the job. FML

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By Andrew - 30/10/2012 06:08 - United States - Monroe

Today, whilst in an argument with my girlfriend, I told her she was the craziest bitch I'd ever met. She responded with "Challenge accepted." I'm now terrified. FML

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By jeremiah - 6/11/2011 08:21 - Australia

Today, I let my brother borrow my car, as he had a job interview. I told him the tank was nearly empty and gave him $20 to put some petrol in it. Ten minutes later, he calls me, saying the car won't start. He filled it up with diesel. It's a petrol car. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2015 17:12 - United States - Eagle River

Today, four days after moving into my new house, I woke up to a guy yelling "Fuck you, Claire" followed by a brick smashing through my living room window. Now I know why Claire was so eager to finalize the sale. FML

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By This girl - 19/12/2011 18:01 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. It wasn't all that embarrassing, until I walked two more feet and slipped again. The second time, a man pulled over and loudly asked if I was drunk. FML

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By baller12 - 3/2/2009 15:25 - United States

Today, I finally got the guts to walk out of class 30 min. early only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all 200 people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I then walked back to my seat sat down and unpacked. FML

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By single once again - 7/10/2015 07:41 - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I found out my boyfriend has an account on a sex hookup site. He said it has "interesting articles" and that he'd completed his profile and listed his sexual preferences out of boredom. When I told him to sign in and prove he hadn't been messaging girls, he refused and called me paranoid. FML

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By ravlol - 25/11/2011 18:08 - United States

Today, my friends and I were going to do an ugly sweater photo shoot. When we met up, one of them was wearing a sweater I gave on her birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2019 00:01 - United States - Tampa

Bugging out

Today, I'm allergic to not only bug spray, but also mosquitos. I'm staying at a bug-infested lake for 5 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2014 05:02 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my husband reorganized our fridge for the World Cup. He cleared everything out and filled it with beer and chips. FML

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By 123literateABC - 4/11/2015 03:10 - United States - Grand Haven

Today, at work, the janitor would not stop telling me how good I looked. This was after he told me he was fired for sexual harassment at his last job. He clearly learned that lesson. FML

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By heart of cold - 11/1/2016 09:12 - United States

Today, my roommate invited a couple of homeless gentlemen in to our house. After drinking all our beer, throwing up on our carpet, and repeatedly asking if we were planning on killing them, I asked them to leave. My roommate told them they're welcome back anytime. FML

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By VroomVroom - 4/3/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, at a red light, an old lady crossing the street fell right infront of my car. I got out of my car to help her. The light turned green and I was still helping the woman to her feet. An officer came by and ticketed me for "impeding the flow of traffic." FML

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By oww - 15/11/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in bed. Apparently I grabbed the cord of the lamp and yanked while I was sleeping, and it fell on my face. The worst part? My boyfriend saw it was going to happen, but didn't stop me because he thought it would be funny to "see my reaction." FML

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By jackgrant - 7/12/2011 01:01 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I went to a concert. Being 6'5" was a great advantage because I could see the stage from wherever I was stood. On the downside, I was used by people as a meeting point. FML

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By BURGERT0WN USA - 10/1/2016 19:46 - United States - Redmond

Today, I texted the girl I'm going to homecoming with in a couple days to say hi. The conversation started OK, but then morphed into her saying that she doesn't feel anything between us, and wants to stop being friends after the dance. I have to buy her dinner and a ticket, out of my own wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 17:34

Today, I found out that what I thought was "acne" is actually an allergic reaction to a cream I've been using for years. I thought the cream was helping me with the breakouts but my doctor says the real acne probably went away naturally years ago. FML

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By anditburnsburnsburns - 27/8/2013 18:13 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I was in a rush, so I was removing my nail polish while using the toilet. Everything was going fine, until I used the toilet paper in my hand to wipe. It was covered in nail polish remover. It still burns. FML

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By skjjj - 26/4/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's communion. We came late and walked to the front of the church where my family was. Everyone stared and laughed but I ignored it. After the service was done my mom came up to me and pulled a long piece of toilet paper out of my skirt. FML

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By gabby - 13/12/2009 17:30 - Canada

Today, I was on the bus and a woman got on with her 3 young children. I offered her my seat so they could all sit together. When I went to get off the bus I realized I left my bag underneath my old seat. When I tried to get it back the woman hit me and yelled at me for trying to steal her purse. FML

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By someone something - 9/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was finally able to come home after 4 months in a hospital recovering from brain surgery and physical therapy. While taking a walk around the neighborhood, my new neighbor's Rottweiler ran after me. I tripped while running, got bit, and went back to the hospital for stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2015 12:21 - Australia

Today, I got detention from my teacher for not handing an assignment in. It would be understandable if I hadn't handed it in a week before it was due. She won't listen to reason. FML

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By hAHAha Halo - 2/8/2010 17:55 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML

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By Just Me - 26/7/2012 05:04 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I came out to my mom as a lesbian. She told me that it was impossible, because since she isn't one, she therefore couldn't have given birth to one. She still won't believe me. FML

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By Username - 21/8/2011 09:59 - United States

Today, I found out apparently, I have a weird looking vagina. How? My boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He took one look at my vagina and with a look of horror said, "I have never seen one this GROSS." He's a gynecologist and probably sees 20 vaginas a day. FML

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By kiki - 25/5/2009 01:35 - United States

Today, I was working at a grocery store and a man came to my register to ask for the price of a mop. I took the mop from him to scan it without realizing the pole was between his legs. I hit him in the crotch with the pole. FML

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By scarlet - 9/5/2011 15:02 - Canada

Today, on the bus, a large smelly man was sat next to me, pushing me against the divider and sliding into me on every turn. When he got up for his stop, his pants had loosened and his bare ass was staring me in the face. FML

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By smh - 15/7/2014 20:11 - United States

Today, my mom and dad played rock, paper, scissors over who gets to spend the night with me in the hospital tonight while I have surgery. FML

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By lululee53 - 31/12/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, after spotting my ex-boyfriend's truck in a desolate parking lot, I decided to "decorate" the muddy side of it with a rather large male appendage. After checking around me to make sure there were no witnesses, I got to work. I probably should have made sure he wasn't sitting in the truck. FML

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By Unlucky. - 16/10/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I took my parking permit off my car to debate a ticket that I got for not having my permit displayed. Twenty minutes later, when I got back to my car, I had another ticket on my window for not having my parking permit displayed because I was using it to disprove the first ticket. FML

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By 918boyz - 4/2/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream." FML

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By Kramer - 16/2/2012 12:49 - Canada

Today, I found out that driving for 2 weeks on 3/4 of a tank doesn't mean my truck magically got more efficient, it means my gas gauge is broken. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#5551496 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:14

Yeah, cucumbers suck!! They are only useful if you dunk them in a salty, acid solution or slice them finely to put over swollen eyelids. Is that what you want for your dick?

You should always go with yellow condoms -- they drive the ladies . . .

*lowers sunglasses*

bananas.

By dinosxxrawr | 22

#5551479 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:08

she needs to eat her vegetables.

COMMENTS

By SgrA | 18

#5551476 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:07

Try carrot next time.

Reply

thatkidhesh | 11

#5551524 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:33

just be glad she said it's a cucumber and not a jalapeño.

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5551543 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:44

Funny thing is, my wife actually prefers a cucumber... I try not to take it personally.

Reply

Laby_fml | 9

#5551573 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 13:32

"No honey, it's a pickle. Tangy and zesty, ready to wow your taste buds."

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5551705 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 15:57

Say it's a cactus. Watch out for the prick! :P

Reply

Tigerblossom | 19

#5552472 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 23:59

She doesn't carrot all as long as its not a cucumber!

Reply

imaginaryvoice | 18

#5552482 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 0:10

#22 I'm not going to lie, I found that hilarious. Poor thing..

Reply

green2go | 14

#5553513 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 17:08

86 your pun is not punny at all

By punjabtimelord | 18

#5551478 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:08

Cucumbers are delicious! How dare she!?!?

Reply

SirMichael | 13

#5551966 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 18:22

Perhaps she's just never had a nice fresh one.

By dinosxxrawr | 22

#5551479 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:08

she needs to eat her vegetables.

Reply

Dewoe | 18

#5551620 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 14:16

of at least suck 'em!

Reply

datgamerchick | 14

#5551706 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 15:57

A cucumber is a fruit, though.

Reply

Clioo_fml | 17

#5551888 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 17:22

Don't ruin the fun, #51

By Acik91 | 26

#5551482 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:09

Hide it quickly so she wouldn't see it. Win win!

By Wizardo | 33

#5551486 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:10

Tell her you can make it disappear... into her.

By Ambient25 | 24

#5551487 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:11

Just tell her that it will pickle once inside

Reply

Nekogami | 14

#5551854 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 16:57

This made me snort in the middle of class. Lol!

By football98_fml | 20

#5551488 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:11

tell her its a decieving banana

Reply

joawmeens | 7

#5551505 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:19

That sounds like the next James Bond movie "The Deceiving Banana", starring Daniel Craig, and Carrot Top as The Banana, for some reason...

Reply

thatkidhesh | 11

#5551552 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:53

13 your description sounds more like James Bondage than an actual Bond film.

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5551650 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 14:45

"Rated R for Retarded" belongs here as well lol

By Pleonasm | 34

#5551489 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:11

Tell her she needs her Five a Day, and you'll see you'll both be cucumming in no time.

By pedinhuh | 23

#5551492 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:12

Well, atleast she didn't tried to bite it!

Reply

dinosxxrawr | 22

#5551497 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:15

at* least* try*

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5551515 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:24

ass*

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5551529 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:36

Come on, 12. English isn't their native language, don't be a bitch.

Reply

nnnope | 26

#5551540 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:43

18 - because everyone stalks the profiles of people with poor grammar before swinging the grammar Nazi hammer at them.

Reply

chatokun | 10

#5551567 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 13:22

Well, they are there to be read after all. If someone wants to write a rude response, they could at least take a moment to glance at it.

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5551604 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 14:02

"Rated R for Retarded"

Reply

kurodansei | 16

#5552059 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 19:07

I say remove the Nazi and just start saying, dropping the grammar hammer.

By kpc2424 | 13

#5551495 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:14

Cucumbers are better when dipped