Intimacy: Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went... - FML

By dan - United States - Phoenix

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

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Fake News

How's your hovel?

No smoking

By meepdaleap - United States - Newport News

Today, I stepped out of the kitchen to yell at my kids for running in the house. I had just mopped the floor, and did not want them to fall. I fell while yelling and twisted my ankle. At least they know it's dangerous now. FML

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By no, oh god no

Babe, I am your father.

Today, it was only as my boyfriend met my dad for the first time that I realised how alike they are. Same opinions, same dress sense, same moustache and beard, same height and body shape, similar jobs and cars, and they support the same rugby team. They got on like a house on fire as soon as they met. FML

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By madbirthdaymomma - United States - Roswell

Today, I was hosting my daughter's thirteenth birthday party. One parent decided to stay at my house, the only parent to do so. The entire night she critiqued every decision I made, from the films to the cake. When it was time to open presents, her kid was the only one without one. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2021 08:01

Teacher's pet

Today, I finally found out why I never got invited to parties in college. My fellow students considered me too ambitious to want to do anything but study hard. The reason they thought that? I tended to be present and on time for classes. FML

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By L0L59

Today, I got my braces checked by another orthodontist since I've had them for years and my teeth never got the way they should be. After 8 years and 27 x-ray exams, my orthodontist didn't do much except loosen the root of the tooth to the point where I can move it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for smiling and laughing too much. Last week, he reprimanded me for not smiling and laughing enough. FML

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By ambushcat - United States

Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I locked lips with someone, or rather something, other than family for the first time in my life. It was a CPR dummy. FML

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By cakehater - United States

Kids these days…

Today, I'm a host at a restaurant. We had a birthday party for a couple of 15 year old boys and their friends. I went to clean the bathroom at the end of my shift and discovered cake everywhere, including all over the urinal. They were even nice enough to draw a smiley on the mirror with icing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I facebooked my friends about my upcoming birthday party, and told them to keep the date free. I got several responses telling me that's not possible, because that's the day the new Harry Potter movie comes out. FML

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By ;_; - Canada - Burlington

Today, I saw a guy in the street drawing caricatures, and I decided to pay him to do one of me. Being a caricature, I looked pretty monstrous in it. When I showed it to my mum later, she shuddered and said, "Yeah, looks just like you." FML

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By Diogo Filipe de Almeida

Today, I was jerking off at 2am when a giant, thumb-sized cockroach came flying across my room, prompting me to scream pretty loudly. My mom then came into my room worried, only to find me naked on top of the couch, screaming like a little girl. I still had an erection. FML

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By halloweed - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my company filed for bankruptcy, but the reorganize kind where it still functions. There are no funds to give out paychecks any time soon. They won't fire me. If I voluntarily quit, I cannot file for unemployment. I'm now an unpaid intern. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carlisle

Today, I came home early from work and found my brother in my bed with a girl I've never met. Apparently he's been using my house to hook up with girls while I'm gone. FML

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By baddaughter - Canada

Today, I called my mother who is vacationing in Florida with my dad and sister. Before they left I told them I would be very responsible and that they could trust me. The first thing she asked me is if all the animals were still alive. I said yes. I lied. Her favourite cat drowned in the pool. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was complaining to my roommate that I never get asked out. Then, at work, a mentally challenged man left me his phone number on his pay ticket. Well, I guess I can't complain about never getting asked out. FML

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By lol112 - United States - Monroe Township

Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML

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By shadowsorel - United States - Chicago

Today, I have a cold, and was stuck sleeping in bed. My roommate decided to wake me up by sticking headphones in my ears and playing heavy metal on full volume. This is the third time this week. FML

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By zazadudu - France

Today, I wore myself out cooking, preparing tasty little dishes for my sweetheart. I heard him arrive and shout as he went up the stairs, "It stinks of shit in here! Have you been cooking?" I threw everything in the bin. We can eat sandwiches. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olympia

Today, I had to pee so bad that I ran downstairs with no glasses on and stumbled into the bathroom, half blind. I sat down on the toilet and realized just a little late that my older sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bathtub. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML

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By Ella - 15/1/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom

Thanks Boris!

Today, after Boris made his Monday night lockdown announcement, my husband announced that no way can he handle another lockdown stuck in the house with me and two teenagers, so he drove all night to our static caravan and insists he’s staying there alone until lockdown is over. FML

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By Lucas - 14/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom

Smells like victory

Today, during oral sex, my wife squirted, which she’s never done before, and I was so surprised I accidentally breathed it straight up my nose. It’s been 3 hours and it’s still all I can smell FML

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By GetAnotherRoomAlready - United States - Singapore

Today, I woke up at 2 AM to the sounds of my roommate and his girlfriend on Skype, playing a game of, "No, I love YOU more, baby, schmoopy schmoopy schmoopy schmoo". It went on for around half an hour. FML

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By proudestmonkey - United States

Today, I had my car stolen. When the police found it, pretty much everything inside was missing. For some reason, I had left 6 pairs of shoes in my back seat. Whoever stole my car thought it would be funny to take one shoe from each pair. I now own 6 unmatched shoes and my car smells like sex. FML

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By kittynapper - United States - Denver

Today, I found out that my cat, that I've had for 3 years, is actually my neighbor's missing cat. FML

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By lefthandspanker - United States - Craig

Today, my slightly batshit insane grandma called me disgusting and unladylike. Why? For writing with my left hand. FML

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By fmylifeee

But my babiiiiiiies!

Today, my wife and I invited my boss over for dinner, specifically warning her not to bring her children due to our house not being childproof. She surprised us by walking in with her toddlers. They both shat on our carpets, then my dog knocked them into a wall. I guess I'll start looking for another job. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I had a going-away party because I am leaving the country forever. Out of the 130 people invited, 60 were a resounding "Yes! of course I will go!". After paying $300 for everything needed at the party, 2 ended up coming. And left because nobody else was there. FML

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By Andrew - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert for an hour, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML

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By Not-pregnant - United States - Melbourne

Today, my dad made me stick my gut out and walk around awkwardly, just so I'd look pregnant and let him get away with parking in an "expectant mothers" parking spot. FML

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By clo_bo

Today, I saw a message on my boyfriend's phone from one of his friends, saying I was a downgrade from his ex. FML

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By rj - United States

Today, I went to the dentist after 24 hours of severe tooth pain. They did an emergency root canal. After the anesthesia wore off, within minutes, the pain returned only worse than before. Called the dentist, I had to return, only to find they had done the root canal on the wrong tooth. FML

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By musicalxtheories - 9/5/2020 08:00

Tiler, the creator

Today, my cat pooped in the shower. How did I find out? I didn't see the poop when I got in. I slipped in it, and smacked my head on the tile wall. FML

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By rhunter17

Today, I forgot my boyfriend was allergic to nuts and ate Nutella toast before he arrived. He had just brought me flowers for doing well in an exam and I kissed him. He had a reaction and I had to stab him in the leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband told me he cheated on me two years ago with his ex-fiancée. In the process, he got her pregnant, but said it was okay, because she didn't keep it. FML

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By bigbuldge

Roommate From Hell

Today, my roommate whipped my face with a frozen chicken cutlet. My cheek is now the size of the chicken cutlet, and now he won't drive me to the hospital because it's "too funny to look at." FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't kiss me because there was a picture of Superman on my shirt. FML

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By FailingMyCourse - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my university had not accepted the internship I did when I was in college. They placed me in the same bank I interned in, with the same bank manager that I flipped the middle finger at after finishing my internship. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#5551496 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:14

Yeah, cucumbers suck!! They are only useful if you dunk them in a salty, acid solution or slice them finely to put over swollen eyelids. Is that what you want for your dick?

You should always go with yellow condoms -- they drive the ladies . . .

*lowers sunglasses*

bananas.

By dinosxxrawr | 22

#5551479 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:08

she needs to eat her vegetables.

COMMENTS

By SgrA | 18

#5551476 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:07

Try carrot next time.

Reply

thatkidhesh | 11

#5551524 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:33

just be glad she said it's a cucumber and not a jalapeño.

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5551543 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:44

Funny thing is, my wife actually prefers a cucumber... I try not to take it personally.

Reply

Laby_fml | 9

#5551573 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 13:32

"No honey, it's a pickle. Tangy and zesty, ready to wow your taste buds."

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5551705 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 15:57

Say it's a cactus. Watch out for the prick! :P

Reply

Tigerblossom | 19

#5552472 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 23:59

She doesn't carrot all as long as its not a cucumber!

Reply

imaginaryvoice | 18

#5552482 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 0:10

#22 I'm not going to lie, I found that hilarious. Poor thing..

Reply

green2go | 14

#5553513 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 17:08

86 your pun is not punny at all

By punjabtimelord | 18

#5551478 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:08

Cucumbers are delicious! How dare she!?!?

Reply

SirMichael | 13

#5551966 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 18:22

Perhaps she's just never had a nice fresh one.

By dinosxxrawr | 22

#5551479 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:08

she needs to eat her vegetables.

Reply

Dewoe | 18

#5551620 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 14:16

of at least suck 'em!

Reply

datgamerchick | 14

#5551706 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 15:57

A cucumber is a fruit, though.

Reply

Clioo_fml | 17

#5551888 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 17:22

Don't ruin the fun, #51

By Acik91 | 26

#5551482 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:09

Hide it quickly so she wouldn't see it. Win win!

By Wizardo | 33

#5551486 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:10

Tell her you can make it disappear... into her.

By Ambient25 | 24

#5551487 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:11

Just tell her that it will pickle once inside

Reply

Nekogami | 14

#5551854 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 16:57

This made me snort in the middle of class. Lol!

By football98_fml | 20

#5551488 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:11

tell her its a decieving banana

Reply

joawmeens | 7

#5551505 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:19

That sounds like the next James Bond movie "The Deceiving Banana", starring Daniel Craig, and Carrot Top as The Banana, for some reason...

Reply

thatkidhesh | 11

#5551552 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:53

13 your description sounds more like James Bondage than an actual Bond film.

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5551650 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 14:45

"Rated R for Retarded" belongs here as well lol

By Pleonasm | 34

#5551489 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:11

Tell her she needs her Five a Day, and you'll see you'll both be cucumming in no time.

By pedinhuh | 23

#5551492 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:12

Well, atleast she didn't tried to bite it!

Reply

dinosxxrawr | 22

#5551497 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:15

at* least* try*

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5551515 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:24

ass*

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5551529 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:36

Come on, 12. English isn't their native language, don't be a bitch.

Reply

nnnope | 26

#5551540 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:43

18 - because everyone stalks the profiles of people with poor grammar before swinging the grammar Nazi hammer at them.

Reply

chatokun | 10

#5551567 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 13:22

Well, they are there to be read after all. If someone wants to write a rude response, they could at least take a moment to glance at it.

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5551604 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 14:02

"Rated R for Retarded"

Reply

kurodansei | 16

#5552059 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 19:07

I say remove the Nazi and just start saying, dropping the grammar hammer.

By kpc2424 | 13

#5551495 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:14

Cucumbers are better when dipped