Intimacy: Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went... - FML

25/06/2013 04:22 - United States - Phoenix

Spicy

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 196

You deserved it 15 330

Hiding from the drama

Just a prank, bro!

Fishy anxiety

28/02/2011 05:43

Today, my shoulder was pulled out of its socket when I was helping a customer load a desk into his vehicle and he decided to answer his cell phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 713

You deserved it 2 499

User review

By Anna - 06/07/2011 06:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, my ex-boyfriend posted on my boyfriend's Facebook wall. Apparently, I give awful blowjobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 050

You deserved it 11 654

21/05/2012 11:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the orthodontist's to get my braces tightened, and I chose baby blue bands. Turns out they make my teeth look extremely yellow. Only a month and a half to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 652

You deserved it 4 805

07/07/2012 04:08 - United States - Charlotte

Today, when I went to pay for my groceries, I accidentally handed the cashier a condom instead of my $20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 969

You deserved it 28 700

All over the place

By meowitzer - 22/04/2020 05:02

Today, a close, funny friend who has quite the attitude, received a long email from a long-time friend of hers, telling her how difficult she is. When I told her it doesn’t matter, that she is still wonderful, she went off on how bad a friend I am for saying that, and then deleted me off WhatsApp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 356

You deserved it 181

10/01/2010 05:35 - United States

Today, I finished up a week of this new "Liquid Foods" diet I learned about from a friend. After a week of denying myself of my favorite foods and eating only non-fat yoghurt and smoothies, I have not only gained 2 pounds, but have diarrhea. Just in time for my anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 391

You deserved it 31 657

07/09/2009 20:25 - United States

Today, I finally figured out why my 5 year old daughter washes her hair everyday. It's because she doesn't want to have "yucky greasy" hair like her mommy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 912

You deserved it 47 278

28/07/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, it's my 20th birthday! Happy birthday to me! My boyfriend threw a beer can through my back wind-shield after breaking up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 713

You deserved it 4 576

Pace yourself

By Anonymous - 20/02/2021 11:01

Today, for my 18th birthday, I went out to a club with my mate and I drank so much I ended up breaking my nose. I was there for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 276

You deserved it 1 009

Bragging

By lastalittlelonger - 05/12/2009 09:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 549

You deserved it 3 129

This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Spicy

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 092

You deserved it 31 013

04/12/2011 07:46 - United States

Today, I was having a rough day and decided to go out for a walk at 1 a.m. to clear my head. I ended up being driven home by two cops, who thought I was prostituting myself at the truck stop. When we arrived, they had a nice conversation with my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 582

You deserved it 5 561

21/08/2012 16:39 - United States

Today, after volleyball practice, I noticed my pants were missing. Now I have to go to work wearing spandex bottoms, all because one of my teammates is a thieving douche. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 324

You deserved it 2 184

27/07/2009 07:32 - Singapore

Today, I found out that my brother was selling pictures of me showering. For what? World of Warcraft money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 703

You deserved it 4 847

23/04/2011 06:12 - United States

Today, while trying on clothes in Macy's, someone decided to throw some shoes over the wall and into my changing stall. I now have a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 145

You deserved it 2 990

12/07/2011 13:26 - United States

Today, I saw a turtle on the road so I swerved, and hit a tree. The people behind me then hit the turtle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 540

You deserved it 12 654

21/04/2011 01:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, I painted a kids room at my new nanny job while the dad "helped" by staring at my ass and telling me how hard it is to position your "junk" correctly when wearing a speedo. First day on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 188

You deserved it 3 828

17/06/2019 19:07

Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 612

You deserved it 115

12/01/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, at the job I've had for eight years, I finally got the raise I was supposed to get a year ago. One hour later I found out the store was closing and we were all out of a job in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 398

You deserved it 2 230

Downhill from here

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 15:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Spicy

Today, I'm in a relationship in which the sex was great and constant at the beginning. Now it’s so quick, bad and inconsistent, it’s like going at it with a virgin who doesn’t even know how the clit works. FML

I agree, your life sucks 954

You deserved it 166

Are Christmas cards still a thing?

By amywee - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my dog received a Christmas card before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 484

You deserved it 3 574

19/07/2014 17:39 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I was at the local grocery store. I've had really bad gas lately, and I accidentally let one go while standing in line. The woman behind me thought it was her kid, and smacked him for farting in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 519

You deserved it 41 738

02/10/2016 17:32 - United States - Atlanta

Today, while working at a cell phone store, I helped an older woman learn how to use her newly updated phone. After trying to help her for over 20 minutes, she threatened to throw her phone at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 068

You deserved it 834

Sweet, my ass

By Anonymous - 31/01/2021 15:30 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I worked with a sweet old lady. She refused to cook most of the food on the menu, and the food she did cook was super oily. When she received complaints about it, she blamed me for not draining the oil. When the customer defended me, she then told the customer it was her job to drain the oil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 65

21/08/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, my beloved pet chicken ran away from home. I got so distraught that my dad offered to buy me dinner. Specifically, KFC. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 153

You deserved it 6 072

01/04/2019 07:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my coworker told everyone on staff that I’m a stuck up bitch because I stared blankly at her when she tried to talk to me. I tried to listen, but I zoned out after she rambled on endlessly about the Kardashians and Kanye West. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 287

You deserved it 196

14/01/2014 14:06 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend asked me, "Is it in yet?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 776

You deserved it 7 008

18/01/2009 10:29 - United States

Today, I crashed into a ditch on my way home from work. I had to walk 2 miles in -25 below zero weather before I could pick up a cell phone signal to call a tow truck. When I got back to my car, a cop was waiting for me with a ticket for leaving the scene of an accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 380

You deserved it 2 319

02/10/2014 04:47 - United States - Olive Branch

Today, I was talking to my brother about how careless people are. Minutes later, I shocked myself with my dog's shock-collar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 896

You deserved it 35 591

23/04/2013 15:49 - Australia

Today, my mother and I saw a stall selling colourful treats at the shopping centre. Some were placed on small dishes, so we thought we'd sample their goods. Turns out that the colourful goodies that we'd bit into were very creative pieces of soap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 199

You deserved it 45 374

26/07/2019 06:12

Today, during a driving lesson, I accidentally rear-ended a BMW at a traffic light. The number plate was "Law Man." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 476

You deserved it 376

20/04/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, my manager told me to throw out some of the old toys at the daycare we work at. I can't because I've seen Toy Story 3, and thinking about them in a dump makes me cry. I'm 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 083

You deserved it 18 570

26/06/2012 17:13 - United States - Newport News

Spicy

Today, I discovered my children had found my vibrator and buried it in the cat's litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 376

You deserved it 12 693

01/08/2011 08:32 - Australia

Today, I found out why my cups of tea have been tasting a bit funny. It turns out my kettle is full of ants, so every time I boil water to make tea, the ants get re-boiled along with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 495

You deserved it 17 519

20/06/2015 20:54 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I realized I'm pregnant by a man who won't even accept my Facebook friend request. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 043

You deserved it 20 302

You tried at least

By oreosaretoocool - 05/12/2016 19:10 - United Kingdom - Cardenden

Today, I finally gave my mum an expensive designer dress I spent months saving to buy for her as she had been very depressed. However she has gained so much weight from stress eating she ripped it when trying to put it on, and now won't talk to me because, "I wanted to make her feel fat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 576

You deserved it 1 124

21/09/2014 18:23 - United Kingdom - Gateshead

Today, I had a garage sale, and had amongst my clothing a few sets of underwear. A old man came up and asked to buy all of them. I'm so poor, I couldn't say no to the pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 781

You deserved it 8 283

01/06/2010 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the supermarket; it was taking me ages to walk home because of the heavy food bags. Halfway home, I realised I had gone in my car. I had to walk all the way back to get my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 536

You deserved it 58 586

08/07/2016 07:54 - United States - State College

Today, while taking out the trash late at night with my mom, a group of people drove by and decided it would be funny to turn around and chase us up the driveway in their car. Before I even realized what was happening, my mom was already halfway to the house yelling back, "You're on your own!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 481

You deserved it 1 297

02/08/2010 09:50 - New Zealand

Today, I applied for a job and sent my CV, then realised I sent the example CV I got off the internet. Now they think Bob Brown who lives at 123 Sunshine Street is applying for a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 745

You deserved it 38 189

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

perdix 29

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:14

Yeah, cucumbers suck!! They are only useful if you dunk them in a salty, acid solution or slice them finely to put over swollen eyelids. Is that what you want for your dick? You should always go with yellow condoms -- they drive the ladies . . . *lowers sunglasses* bananas.

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:08

she needs to eat her vegetables.

Comments

SgrA 18

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:07

Try carrot next time.

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:33

just be glad she said it's a cucumber and not a jalapeño.

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:44

Funny thing is, my wife actually prefers a cucumber... I try not to take it personally.

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 13:32

"No honey, it's a pickle. Tangy and zesty, ready to wow your taste buds."

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 15:57

Say it's a cactus. Watch out for the prick! :P

Tigerblossom 19

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 23:59

She doesn't carrot all as long as its not a cucumber!

imaginaryvoice 18

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 June 2013 0:10

#22 I'm not going to lie, I found that hilarious. Poor thing..

Send a private message

Wednesday 26 June 2013 17:08

86 your pun is not punny at all

punjabtimelord 18

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:08

Cucumbers are delicious! How dare she!?!?

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 18:22

Perhaps she's just never had a nice fresh one.

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:08

she needs to eat her vegetables.

Dewoe 18

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 14:16

of at least suck 'em!

datgamerchick 14

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 15:57

A cucumber is a fruit, though.

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 17:22

Don't ruin the fun, #51

Acik91 26

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:09

Hide it quickly so she wouldn't see it. Win win!

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:10

Tell her you can make it disappear... into her.

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:11

Just tell her that it will pickle once inside

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 16:57

This made me snort in the middle of class. Lol!

football98_fml 20

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:11

tell her its a decieving banana

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:19

That sounds like the next James Bond movie "The Deceiving Banana", starring Daniel Craig, and Carrot Top as The Banana, for some reason...

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:53

13 your description sounds more like James Bondage than an actual Bond film.

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 14:45

"Rated R for Retarded" belongs here as well lol

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:11

Tell her she needs her Five a Day, and you'll see you'll both be cucumming in no time.

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:12

Well, atleast she didn't tried to bite it!

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:15

at* least* try*

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:24

ass*

CharresBarkrey 15

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:36

Come on, 12. English isn't their native language, don't be a bitch.

nnnope 26

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:43

18 - because everyone stalks the profiles of people with poor grammar before swinging the grammar Nazi hammer at them.

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 13:22

Well, they are there to be read after all. If someone wants to write a rude response, they could at least take a moment to glance at it.

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 14:02

"Rated R for Retarded"

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 19:07

I say remove the Nazi and just start saying, dropping the grammar hammer.

Send a private message

Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:14

Cucumbers are better when dipped

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 418

You deserved it 103

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 441

You deserved it 132