Work: Today, a woman threw a sandwich at me, told me to go back to... - FML

By xoxo_retailslave420_xoxo - Australia - Parramatta

Today, a woman threw a sandwich at me, told me to go back to "fucktard island" and demanded to see my manager. All because the mayonnaise sandwich she ordered, shockingly enough, had mayonnaise in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13640

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1141

Tweet

Share

There's no helping some people

Property law

Phone call anxiety

By Unistudent - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I mustered up the courage to take a dump in a public toilet so I went to the disabled toilet in our university library. I did my thing, the flush didn't work, I pulled the red string thinking it would do something and a buzzer started ringing throughout the whole university. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1255

You deserved it

2202

Tweet

Share

By notgoodenough - United States

Today, we were going around the table, telling everyone what we were thankful for. My girlfriend said she was thankful for her vibrator, because I can't please her like it can. My family thought this was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43255

You deserved it

9172

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I had a horribly realistic dream where I was being robbed and had to swallow my wedding ring to save it. After waking up, I realized my wedding ring is in fact gone. The doctor assures me that I will have it back in a day or two. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55361

You deserved it

4041

Tweet

Share

By HolyyMolyy

Quickie

Today, I was ecstatic to have received a friend request from my crush of grade 4 after 11 years. He's grown up to be such a hottie. I quickly accepted his request, he messaged me and we ended up chatting for hours. Later, when I messaged him, he called me clingy and unfriended me from Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13571

You deserved it

1990

Tweet

Share

By Olorin - Germany

Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30327

You deserved it

2715

Tweet

Share

By NeitherHrotsvitNorErkembaldus - Canada - Toronto

Today, I learned that the hardest part of marrying a historian is choosing baby names. His top choices derive from two Roman magistrates, two abbesses, a tenth-century author, and an obscure Greek official. I already let him name our pug, for whom he chose the name "Tertullianus." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14535

You deserved it

1467

Tweet

Share

By wth? - United Kingdom - Rotherham

Today, my cousin started sending sarcastic love messages to me. I replied, with even cheesier lines. Then she rang me saying she was so glad I felt the same way. Turns out she wasn't being sarcastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54764

You deserved it

9234

Tweet

Share

By ashamed

Dad jokes, part #23556

Today, I finally let my parents meet a boyfriend of mine for the first time ever. My dad mentioned how he was happy to finally meet him, because for the past 4 years he'd thought I was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1477

You deserved it

175

Tweet

Share

By Joel_mama - New Zealand

Today, while driving home with my parents. I pretended to be asleep so mum wouldn't talk to me. They then took this time to describe what they were going to do to each other when they got home. In full detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48873

You deserved it

20689

Tweet

Share

By anon - United States

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34315

You deserved it

3751

Tweet

Share

By nowhereman1990 - Venezuela

Today, I heard on a local radio a song I wrote almost 2 years ago. Apparently, after my family and I moved away, my former band found a new guitar player, and that song is now the first single of their debut LP. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47064

You deserved it

4072

Tweet

Share

By ilovekids? - United States - Commack

Today, while I was working at a supermarket, a kid started to cry in line because he couldn't get candy. Since we have free lollipops behind the desk, I gave him one. His mom complained to my manager and said I was grooming her child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21991

You deserved it

5960

Tweet

Share

By anon - United States - Atlanta

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long, heartfelt message this morning. Her response? "What do you need? Or is this even really you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

13868

You deserved it

2295

Tweet

Share

By rejectedmidair - United States

Today, I went through with my elaborate plans to propose to my girlfriend with creativity. I took her skydiving and proposed in midair. She rejected. Why? She wanted a more "traditional" proposal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37109

You deserved it

7020

Tweet

Share

By PerturbedStudent - United States - Keller

Today, I finally received my first love letter. Too bad it was from the boy who lit me on fire two months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22532

You deserved it

1632

Tweet

Share

By Bob - 7/4/2020 02:00

A heads up next time maybe?

Today, when my girlfriend walked out the room, for a laugh, I covered my whole body except my knob in blankets. Then when I heard her come back in, I yelled, "Surprise!" It was her mom, who'd dropped by unannounced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1965

You deserved it

812

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

The Spectacular Spider-Thief

Today, I went to a comic shop to celebrate Free Comic Book Day. A guy in a really nice Spider-Man costume showed up, so I asked and got a selfie with him on my way out. When I got home, I realized my wallet was missing from my back pocket. I was robbed by Spider-Man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3767

You deserved it

467

Tweet

Share

By chelserusera - United States

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64244

You deserved it

7578

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Binghamton

Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29858

You deserved it

3413

Tweet

Share

By k.k. - United States - Seymour

Today, I left 20 minutes early for school to get a good seat in class. I sat in traffic for 20 minutes before I even got on the thruway and for another 25 minutes once I got off the exit for school. Then I couldn't find parking at my university. I missed class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6822

You deserved it

784

Tweet

Share

By Agirl - United States - El Cerrito

Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33813

You deserved it

2783

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Orlando

Today, my obese mother-in-law took her top off at our pool party, exposing her sagging breasts. When I told her to cover herself, she lifted her breasts, turned them inwards, and squeezed them together while staring me in the eyes. She kept doing this on and off for the next two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51903

You deserved it

5202

Tweet

Share

By failure - Australia - Sydney

Today, I overheard my son mutter to himself, "If Hitler could do it to that many people, so could I..." Anyone recommend a good psychiatrist? FML

I agree, your life sucks

37693

You deserved it

3659

Tweet

Share

By mario - United States - Corvallis

Today, my roommate ran out of filter tips so he cut up my chemistry note cards for his joints. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2212

You deserved it

191

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Durham

Today, I told my friend I would pay him to ask out the ugliest girl he knew. He asked out my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26898

You deserved it

52756

Tweet

Share

By Arran - United Kingdom

Today, I was reading a blog post by a girl that I really like. In the post, it said, "I know I'm not beautiful." I told her that I thought it wasn't true at all. She responded by crying hysterically and asking me why I would say that. It turned out that it actually said, "I know I'm beautiful." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24172

You deserved it

32469

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was just finishing my grocery shopping, a little girl and her mother walked past. Seeing the little girl staring at me, I waved. The girl then pointed to me and asked her mother "Mommy, is that man pregnant?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

27772

You deserved it

7287

Tweet

Share

By MIB - United States

Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing me of stealing her mail to spy on her, because apparently she thinks I must be some sort of secret agent. The cops don't believe me when I call, and she won't go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32621

You deserved it

2799

Tweet

Share

By angrypetowner - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I tried to train my cat to scratch the scratching post by giving her a treat every time she used it, but she took that as getting a treat every time she scratched something. Now, not only does she scratch all my furniture, but she also meows for a treat while doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17214

You deserved it

4811

Tweet

Share

By FatRunner - New Zealand

Today, while going for my daily run, a woman stopped me and said, "I think it's so great that people of your size are comfortable enough to run and show their bodies in public." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40845

You deserved it

5253

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Fairfield

Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57031

You deserved it

3760

Tweet

Share

By KobraKommander - France

Today, I rear-ended a car while I was texting about the accident ahead which was causing all the traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7491

You deserved it

92359

Tweet

Share

By GoogleOFF - 7/7/2020 08:08

Alexa, fuck off

Today, my Google Home decided the TV told it to play 'Despacito'. It didn't. Google then decided I wasn't yelling at it to turn it off. I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1121

You deserved it

318

Tweet

Share

By tm - United States - Madisonville

Today, I went to the emergency room with chest pain. I didn't have a heart attack, but I now have a broken nose after passing out and face-planting in the waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22749

You deserved it

2081

Tweet

Share

By littl3storm

Today, I found out that I work with a bunch of sex addicts. One of them is my cousin, and she did NOT hold back when telling me her and her fiancé's plans about swinging. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1787

You deserved it

180

Tweet

Share

By Elizabeth Ann

Today, I no longer need an alarm clock. My cat has learned to jump on my boobs at precisely 7:30 every morning. If I don't get up immediately, she just keeps jumping on my boobs. I'm an E cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2544

You deserved it

346

Tweet

Share

By slightlyslow - United States

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24550

You deserved it

52754

Tweet

Share

By civic4life - United States

Today, it's my 17th birthday. I asked for a newer car because my car right now sucks. I got a book on photography. I don't own a camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19592

You deserved it

55449

Tweet

Share

By Official_Person - United States

Today, I got married. My new husband wanted to carry me over the threshold of our apartment, but he couldn't pick me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21971

You deserved it

31063

Tweet

Share

By thathurt - United States

Today, while shopping at Wal-Mart, a guy grabbed my butt. When I turned around to slap him, he shook his head, said "Nice ass but such an ugly face", then walked away. I've never been told I'm ugly before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36926

You deserved it

8362

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By TigranPet | 24

#6612013 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:57

It's ridiculous how every time I order a sandwich, it comes with bread on it.

By UnidentifiedFun | 37

#6612032 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:22

...so was anything else supposed to be on this 'mayonnaise sandwich?' Unless that's just a term I'm not familiar with, *gag*

COMMENTS

By mylonius | 19

#6612004 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:47

Plot twist...?

Reply

Kershme123 | 2

#6612120 - Sunday 22 May 2016 10:45

why the fuck is this downvoted? O_o

Reply

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6612171 - Sunday 22 May 2016 12:21

Probably because it's a stupid question that has nothing to do with the FML.

Reply

Draxomaximus | 10

#6612622 - Sunday 22 May 2016 21:56

Nah, it's a funny/sarcastic response to the sandwich having mayo in it.

Reply

Kershme123 | 2

#6612647 - Sunday 22 May 2016 22:29

wait, you didn't realise it was a sarcastic joke? like "oh shit what a plot twist, there's actually mayo in a mayo sandwich, goddamn, betcha haven't seen that one coming!"

By meatloaf11 | 23

#6612007 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:47

Is mayonnaise an instrument?

Reply

doodlebug33 | 20

#6612025 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:14

Horseradish is not an instrument either

Reply

BestOrginalName | 22

#6612302 - Sunday 22 May 2016 15:06

Lmao, nice reference to another FML.

Reply

PhantomKitty | 26

#6612328 - Sunday 22 May 2016 15:55

I'm pretty sure it was actually a reference to an episode of Spongebob Squarepants.

Reply

Michael978 | 16

#6612846 - Monday 23 May 2016 5:28

It was definitely something Patrick said in Spongebob..

Reply

Pop_And_Lock | 14

#6614282 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 5:51

No, this is Patrick!

By emeraldisle | 30

#6612008 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:48

I hope your manager laughed her out of the restaurant.

By Mathalamus | 24

#6612009 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:49

fucktard island? interesting. :P

Reply

pjsr | 32

#6612030 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:20

I've had many a fine holiday on Fucktard Island

Reply

ericanicole1 | 12

#6612434 - Sunday 22 May 2016 17:50

I need to remember that

By TigranPet | 24

#6612013 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:57

It's ridiculous how every time I order a sandwich, it comes with bread on it.

Reply

may14th | 26

#6612087 - Sunday 22 May 2016 9:36

Listen to this nonsense. I once ordered a cheeseburger and there was cheese on it. Can you believe it???

Reply

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6612175 - Sunday 22 May 2016 12:24

Imagine my surprise when I ordered salad and they brought me a plate of lettuce and other vegetables.

Reply

gamermonster | 34

#6612178 - Sunday 22 May 2016 12:24

I once had a milkshake and there was milk in it. I'm allergic to that. Disgusting.

Reply

Regisord413 | 10

#6612452 - Sunday 22 May 2016 18:14

You would NOT believe this. I ordered a drink, and you know what they did? They served the drink in a freaking CUP. Unbelievable. These people should not be allowed to run a restaurant.

Reply

JustThatPerson | 21

#6612528 - Sunday 22 May 2016 19:54

I ordered a hamburger sandwich, they gave me bread with a damned burger between it!

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6612564 - Sunday 22 May 2016 20:29

Last time I ordered a sandwich, they forgot the sand! Unbelievable. ?

Reply

Sora_McKain | 36

#6613946 - Tuesday 24 May 2016 18:36

I ordered a hamburger once, there no ham on it =(

By Carlos_bh | 10

#6612019 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:04

Surely she's mental. I wouldn't even sweat it.

By hellnosucka | 27

#6612023 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:09

doesn't she know? it's the common way of fucktard islanders to put mayonnaise in a mayonnaise sandwich.

By thatweirdasian | 22

#6612024 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:10

Man, I should be pissed every time they freakin give me a patty in my cheeseburger!

By ragnarok1540 | 39

#6612026 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:14

Come on, OP, everyone knows that a mayonnaise sandwich is supposed to have vegemite ...

Reply

thatADHDdude | 21

#6618546 - Monday 30 May 2016 22:57

Do you come from a land down under?

By landonsvarre | 7

#6612029 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:19

I'm going to use Fucktard Island from now on