Work: Today, a woman threw a sandwich at me, told me to go back to... - FML

By xoxo_retailslave420_xoxo - Australia - Parramatta

Today, a woman threw a sandwich at me, told me to go back to "fucktard island" and demanded to see my manager. All because the mayonnaise sandwich she ordered, shockingly enough, had mayonnaise in it. FML

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Proactive

Sorry…

Busted

By DaigCrainielson - 12/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Sun Valley

Mystery

Today, I found out I had 3/4s of a Cheezit stuck in my sinus. No one knows how it got there, but the doctors found it while testing for COVID. I have an appointment soon to remove it. FML

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By ertyo - Romania - Oradea

Today, it's Christmas Eve. I was the happiest ever realizing that all the bills are paid, all the presents are bought, all the food is ready, and I still have some money left. This my biggest accomplishment so far as a young adult. Until I realized I don't have a tree. Adulting is hard. FML

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By

What should I do?

Today, I got a XXX wax, because my boyfriend wouldn't go down on me as he didn't like the hair. Now he won't sleep with me at all because I look like a child with no pubic hair, and he "feels like a pedophile." FML

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By pixie - United States

Smooth talker

Today, I had sex for the first time with a guy. After he passionately made love to me, I turned to him and said, "You smell really good." He turned to me and said, "You don't." FML

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By NoThanks

How kind...

Today, despite my objections, a 50-year-old guy at a bar tried to convince me that my "biological clock is ticking" and that it was time to have kids, "before it's too late". He then offered his help in this noble endeavor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my recently divorced mother's new boyfriend. He is missing teeth and has long hair and a mangy beard. Horrified, I left the room, only to hear my mother telling my sister, "The sex is phenomenal!" FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, after a month of living in a pigsty of an apartment with my roommates, I spent the day cleaning the place out. When everyone returned home, instead of thanking me, all they could do was point out the spots I'd missed. FML

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By Carpet cleaner - Canada

Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML

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By yaa

Everyone's an expert

Today, my sister's husband, who's never even been to college let alone medical school, told me that my cancer is not hereditary, despite a deep family history. He instead swears it's due to my "poor lifestyle and eating habits." Mind you, he's a 300 lbs, fall-down drunk with multiple DUIs. FML

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By thornrose22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. FML

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By jlee0000785 - Australia

Today, the guy I have been seeing left town to visit his family for three weeks. A few hours later, he called me from the airport to say he is never coming back. FML

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By LostSoul

Today, I found out my daughter was planning a wedding and invited everyone but me. FML

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By Messy love life - 19/2/2021 12:31 - India

Just ask

Today, I casually hooked up with a guy with no strings attached. Later, we had a great conversation and I suddenly realized that I have feelings for him. He wants nothing even close to a relationship and probably doesn't like me back. FML

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By janice - United States

Today, my boss called me to his office, and played back a recording of me telling a co-worker that if I still worked there in a year, I would hang myself. He then bitched me out for unprofessional conduct. The taped conversation took place over a year ago, with my recently ex-boyfriend. FML

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By "levsterx"

Today, my mom dragged me along with her to a baby shower. I was the only guy there. FML

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By disfunctionalfamily - United States

Today, I got married. My sister and father could not attend because they already had plans. My sister went to the mall with her friends, and my dad went to a pool party. FML

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By wittlegirl - United States

Today, my parents think that I don't realize all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table: "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

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By Ohgreat - United States

Today, I discovered I was at the same restaurant as my ex and his new girlfriend. Quickly, I picked up my mother's phone when she wasn't looking, and began to pretend to talk to a fake new boyfriend. Few seconds later, the waiter loudly asked me if I was done talking into the calculator. FML

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By Unwanted - Australia

Today, I was in a car with my house-mate and friends after a long day of studying, when we pulled up at our place. Thinking that we were all going to hang there, I waited for everyone to start getting out. No one did. Turns out they were just waiting for me to get out so they could then leave and go out together. FML

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By Éponine - 12/6/2020 17:03

Miserable

Today, as an aspiring performer, I tried to practice crying on demand by singing "A Little Fall of Rain" and "On My Own" from Les Misérables. It was all going well, until my nose started running uncontrollably and no tears actually came out of my eyes. Maybe acting isn't for me. FML

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By abc - Pakistan

Today, I took my friends out to an expensive restaurant for my birthday treat. They had arranged for a surprise birthday cake for me which I cut, very happily, while they chanted birthday wishes. When the bill came, I discovered I was supposed to pay for my great 'surprise' cake. FML

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By Gabby - United States

Today, my friend and I were playing Oregon Trail online. I googled "dysentery", and sent her an IM about the mind-blowing number of cartoons of people violently shitting everywhere. I accidentally sent it to my aunt. FML

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By jaydiv - Australia

Today, I saw my cat outside taking a dump. I pulled back the curtain and watched him clean it up, because I found it fascinating that animals can do that. I must have been standing there for several minutes before I noticed the neighbour next door looking at me being fascinated by my cat pooing. FML

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By graospe - United States

Today, I fainted and woke up in a hospital. My mom drove me to the emergency room. The doctor said I had a panic attack. What did I have a panic attack from? Bidding on eBay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

I'm sitting right here

Today, I got my nails done at a salon where everyone working there was Vietnamese. During my manicure, the manicurists talked about how ugly I was in their native tongue. They couldn't have known that I'd lived in Vietnam and I'm fluent in Vietnamese, but too chickenshit to speak up. FML

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By skanula414 - Sweden - Malm?

Liar, liar

Today, I found out my 7-year-old daughter really did lie about my husband's "other girlfriend" as revenge for being grounded, and that he never cheated on me at all. We're well into our divorce proceedings and he won't forgive me for not believing him when he denied it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

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By Dulok Warrior Princess - United States - New York

Today, at gym class, coach placed the boys on an "advanced level" rope climb by having a girl cling on their back. I got paired with my crush. As he climbed, we were trailing behind so I cheered for him to go faster. He loudly responded, "Why don't you go on a diet!?" FML

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By unacceptable - Australia

Today, my mum thought it was perfectly acceptable to post a status on Facebook about how well she is healing up after her hemorrhoid surgery, and tag me in it. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Alings?s

Today, the paternity test came back. It's like I suspected all along; my "son" is actually my half-brother. FML

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By Cookie - South Africa

Today, my parents were coming to visit me at my brand new apartment. I made dinner and served them the cake my roomate had left for me in the fridge. Thirty minutes after they left, I was so baked that I couldn't think straight. I still don't know if my parents made it home. FML

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By Chubby - Belgium

Today, I was babysitting a really annoying kid who wouldn't listen to me, and threw his food through the kitchen, so I punished him. When his mother came home he ran to her and said, "Mommy, mommy, it's not true what you told me, fat people are NOT nice!" FML

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By -___- - United States - Winfield

Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML

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By me - United States

Today, I was on a flight home. I wasn't going to arrive until midnight, so I was offered an earlier flight that got back at ten. I got to baggage claims and it turned out they lost my bag. I sat there for 2 hours. The people on my original flight left for home before I did. FML

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By 1378 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my sister why it's unhygienic, socially unacceptable and downright inappropriate to apply Thrush ointment in the lounge room. I realised I wasn't getting through to her when she called me ''Uptight,'' ''Victorian" and ''prudish'' to name a few. FML

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By ticketed

Hammertime

Today, like every other day, I didn't stop at the stop sign right before my house because it's pointless and there's never any cops patrolling my neighborhood. Boy, was I wrong this time. FML

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By AcademicAdvisor - United States - Boston

Today, a student pooped his pants in my office. I work with undergrad and graduate students. FML

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By Ella - United States

Today, I went on a 7-hour plane flight. For 3 hours I had a bloody nose. When it finally stopped, I sneezed. It started to bleed again. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's been two weeks since I honked, screamed, and cussed at a cyclist on the road. Since then, my car has been keyed, my tires have been slashed, bricks have been thrown at my windows, and my number has been put on Craigslist as a gay prostitute. FML

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By Etown - United States - Evansville

Today, a friend texted me to get a ticket and go to the theme park with her tomorrow. I bought a ticket and didn't hear from her until 5 hrs later to say she was sorry, but she doesn't think she'll be going. It was $65 and non refundable. FML

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Top comments

By TigranPet | 24

#6612013 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:57

It's ridiculous how every time I order a sandwich, it comes with bread on it.

By UnidentifiedFun | 37

#6612032 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:22

...so was anything else supposed to be on this 'mayonnaise sandwich?' Unless that's just a term I'm not familiar with, *gag*

COMMENTS

By mylonius | 19

#6612004 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:47

Plot twist...?

Reply

Kershme123 | 2

#6612120 - Sunday 22 May 2016 10:45

why the fuck is this downvoted? O_o

Reply

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6612171 - Sunday 22 May 2016 12:21

Probably because it's a stupid question that has nothing to do with the FML.

Reply

Draxomaximus | 10

#6612622 - Sunday 22 May 2016 21:56

Nah, it's a funny/sarcastic response to the sandwich having mayo in it.

Reply

Kershme123 | 2

#6612647 - Sunday 22 May 2016 22:29

wait, you didn't realise it was a sarcastic joke? like "oh shit what a plot twist, there's actually mayo in a mayo sandwich, goddamn, betcha haven't seen that one coming!"

By meatloaf11 | 23

#6612007 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:47

Is mayonnaise an instrument?

Reply

doodlebug33 | 20

#6612025 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:14

Horseradish is not an instrument either

Reply

BestOrginalName | 22

#6612302 - Sunday 22 May 2016 15:06

Lmao, nice reference to another FML.

Reply

PhantomKitty | 26

#6612328 - Sunday 22 May 2016 15:55

I'm pretty sure it was actually a reference to an episode of Spongebob Squarepants.

Reply

Michael978 | 16

#6612846 - Monday 23 May 2016 5:28

It was definitely something Patrick said in Spongebob..

Reply

Pop_And_Lock | 14

#6614282 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 5:51

No, this is Patrick!

By emeraldisle | 30

#6612008 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:48

I hope your manager laughed her out of the restaurant.

By Mathalamus | 24

#6612009 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:49

fucktard island? interesting. :P

Reply

pjsr | 32

#6612030 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:20

I've had many a fine holiday on Fucktard Island

Reply

ericanicole1 | 12

#6612434 - Sunday 22 May 2016 17:50

I need to remember that

By TigranPet | 24

#6612013 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:57

It's ridiculous how every time I order a sandwich, it comes with bread on it.

Reply

may14th | 26

#6612087 - Sunday 22 May 2016 9:36

Listen to this nonsense. I once ordered a cheeseburger and there was cheese on it. Can you believe it???

Reply

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6612175 - Sunday 22 May 2016 12:24

Imagine my surprise when I ordered salad and they brought me a plate of lettuce and other vegetables.

Reply

gamermonster | 34

#6612178 - Sunday 22 May 2016 12:24

I once had a milkshake and there was milk in it. I'm allergic to that. Disgusting.

Reply

Regisord413 | 10

#6612452 - Sunday 22 May 2016 18:14

You would NOT believe this. I ordered a drink, and you know what they did? They served the drink in a freaking CUP. Unbelievable. These people should not be allowed to run a restaurant.

Reply

JustThatPerson | 21

#6612528 - Sunday 22 May 2016 19:54

I ordered a hamburger sandwich, they gave me bread with a damned burger between it!

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6612564 - Sunday 22 May 2016 20:29

Last time I ordered a sandwich, they forgot the sand! Unbelievable. ?

Reply

Sora_McKain | 36

#6613946 - Tuesday 24 May 2016 18:36

I ordered a hamburger once, there no ham on it =(

By Carlos_bh | 10

#6612019 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:04

Surely she's mental. I wouldn't even sweat it.

By hellnosucka | 27

#6612023 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:09

doesn't she know? it's the common way of fucktard islanders to put mayonnaise in a mayonnaise sandwich.

By thatweirdasian | 22

#6612024 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:10

Man, I should be pissed every time they freakin give me a patty in my cheeseburger!

By ragnarok1540 | 39

#6612026 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:14

Come on, OP, everyone knows that a mayonnaise sandwich is supposed to have vegemite ...

Reply

thatADHDdude | 21

#6618546 - Monday 30 May 2016 22:57

Do you come from a land down under?

By landonsvarre | 7

#6612029 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:19

I'm going to use Fucktard Island from now on