Today, a woman threw a sandwich at me, told me to go back to... - FML

By xoxo_retailslave420_xoxo - 21/5/2016 12:57 - Australia - Parramatta

Today, a woman threw a sandwich at me, told me to go back to "fucktard island" and demanded to see my manager. All because the mayonnaise sandwich she ordered, shockingly enough, had mayonnaise in it. FML

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Rock, hard place

Deep-seated resentment

Incognito browsing

By beat10 - 30/3/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was fired for "customer dissatisfaction." I work in IT and have never met one of my company's customers. FML

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By Noname - 17/3/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by our dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2012 07:56 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after I requested a sick day, a very close co-worker texted her boyfriend that I'm a bitch for pretending to have the same rare illness that she recently suffered. She said it was unlikely, disrespectful and unfair that I didn't even look sick. I know this because she texted me instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 20:04 - United States

Today, I went to bed with a bra on. I woke up with no bra on. My brother had a friend sleep over last night. I wonder where my bra went. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2009 12:02 - Singapore

Today, my grandfather was counting all the grandchildren he had and saying how fortunate he was to have all of us. When I pointed out that he'd forgotten to count me, he turned and said "You're adopted, you don't count as a real grandchild" FML

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By Maleficia - 19/1/2017 08:25

Today, the government froze my bank account for not paying college debt, and now I can't access my 0.30 cents. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2013 14:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it marks the fourth month since my 15-year-old cousin asked me out, then started practically stalking me when I said no. It's also the fourth month of my parents and his constantly telling me to stop overreacting and that it's "just a phase." FML

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By leopard - 1/6/2018 19:00

Today, I was finally confident enough to buzz half my hair off into the style I've wanted since I was young. Turns out that I have a particularly large and angry-looking skin problem across my scalp that may well have been there for years. It'll take months to grow back. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2010 18:09 - Greece

Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML

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By Serire - 23/9/2014 00:23 - United States - Monroe

Today, my boyfriend couldn't go on a date with me because his mom said no. He's 23. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 12:07 - Sweden

Today, I was late for work and got chewed out by my boss. To console myself I decided to drink a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. My work provides this for free. When I did, my boss told me that in fact it wasn't, nor has it ever been, free; all this time I've been stealing other people's coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2011 02:47 - United States

Today, my school is having their homecoming, and it seems everyone but me has someone to go with. My best friend has her boyfriend, my brother has a date, and I have my hamster. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2012 13:38 - United States - Hudson Falls

Today, I woke up to my drunk great grandfather peeing on my cat and thinking it was absolutely hysterical. This isn't the first time and he just moved in with me for the next six weeks. FML

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By youdontknowmewhy - 29/6/2015 07:42 - United States - Keller

Today, I was called a selfish brat for asking for a pillow as my birthday present. FML

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By Cameron - 29/10/2017 06:00

Today, I went for dinner and bowling with a woman I met online. The Mexican food was great but my bowels started feeling it during our first game. I slipped on the bowling lane and the impact of my ass hitting the ground made me shit myself. FML

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By kernewek - 26/5/2011 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at work, nonchalantly spinning my keys around my finger when they flew off and hit a glass cabinet. Broken glass showered passing customers. I don't think I'll have a job to go to tomorrow. FML

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By Lmop68 - 27/5/2009 05:27 - Canada

Today, I saw my crush waving me over from the other end of the parking lot. I ran quickly to greet him, but in my excitement didn't take note of the giant Hummer backing out. I broke two ribs and all my crush was trying to do was warn me of the moving vehicle I was about to run into. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2014 15:26 - Canada - Sackville

Today, my biology professor was giving a lecture to everyone and used me as an example. For what? Traits men are repulsed by in potential mates. FML

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By CarSick - 23/2/2011 03:55 - United States

Today, I threw up in the car. While driving. The good news though, I had a bag to catch it all. Bad news? The bag had a giant hole in the bottom. FML

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By womanlover12345 - 18/7/2011 16:05 - Spain

Today, I finally told my girlfriend of four months that I love her. Her response was, "Uh... thanks?" FML

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By UglyApparently - 5/10/2011 16:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I told a guy at work about my boyfriend. His immediate response was to ask me if I was making him up. He's the third person to react this way. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 07:35 - Singapore

Today, I went shopping with my parents. Halfway through, I got separated from them and tried to call them only to find out my cell phone battery was flat. A few minutes later, an announcement was made for a lost child. It was by my parents. I'm 36. FML

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By Pika - 9/10/2017 01:30

Today, in the midst of an interview, I was asked what my best qualities are. I panicked and quickly responded that I can make a great Pikachu impression. They wanted to hear it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2016 16:41 - Canada - London

Today, I took my labrador to the vet because he seemed really sick and wasn't acting like his usual self the past few weeks. The vet said nothing was physically wrong with him and that he's most likely suffering from depression. My own depression is why I got a dog in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2019 12:00

Today, I went to the location of me and my wife’s first date, because I miss her and barely get to see her because of our work schedules. Only to see her there on a date. FML

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By Garry - 4/5/2012 21:53 - United States

Today, an exchange student was telling us how he once used a black light to detect semen stains on his "abstinent" ex-girlfriend's face. I called him out on the obvious lie, saying it's an old urban legend. He wigged out, screamed that I'm a "bastarding shite-wank" and ran out of class. FML

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By June - 19/5/2009 21:51 - Canada

Today, I thought I could stay on the phone and go to the bathroom without him noticing. My mom knocks on the door and without even thinking, I yelled "I'M ON THE TOILET!" He said "ew.." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 02:00 - United States - Bronx

More faces than Khloé Kardashian

Today, my mom told me she'd scheduled me for a cleaning with my hometown dentist. When I reminded her that, according to my university's COVID guidelines, students shouldn't leave the county unless there's an emergency, she threw a hissy fit and told me I'm being "combative" and "looking for an excuse to fight." FML

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By Jman212 - 9/10/2017 13:00 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, my work-mandated anger management therapist gave me some sage advice: "Get a new job." FML

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By JTBastry - 30/4/2018 19:00

Today, after graduating from culinary school, I was turned down by Chipotle, Jersey Mike's, and McDonald's entry-level jobs because I didn't have enough experience. FML

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By sozzy - 7/7/2012 07:26 - United States - Aliso Viejo

Today, I went to my regular pharmacist of three months, and since I've always seen him on a crutch, I asked him how his leg was. His response: "Still missing". FML

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By no - 20/3/2014 22:18 - United Kingdom - London

Today, for the third time this week, a random person in the street walked up to me and told me how much I look like Grumpy Cat. FML

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By tiredeolfatty - 21/9/2012 02:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was having a race with a little kid. I let him win to make him feel like a champion. After the race, he turned to me and said, "Maybe if you weren't so fat you would have won." FML

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By jokada - 10/5/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, while powerwashing my deck, a bee flew and landed on my leg. Thinking I'd just wash it away before it stings me, I aimed the powerwasher nozzle at the bee. A bee sting isn't nearly as painful as powerwashing your leg. FML

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By BeautifulDisastre - 23/12/2009 10:24 - United States

Today, I drove the six hours to LA to attend my Uncle's birthday party. When I tried to get off at the exit, it took me two hours just to get onto the street where the club was. By the time I showed up, the party was already over, so I ended up going to a Denny's. I drove eight hours for a Denny's. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 09:18 - United Kingdom

Today, a woman at work told me that her kid had puked into "a storage bin" in the office. It wasn't a storage bin, it was the outgoing mail tray on the side of my desk containing important contract documents that had to be posted by 5pm that day. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2018 20:47

Mommy Issues

Today, my mother-in-law yanked my corset so tight that I shit myself. While wearing my dress. On my wedding day. FML

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By M_Kclift1994 - 20/1/2010 23:19 - United States

Today, I fell asleep after finishing my exam. I had a dream I was falling and woke up smashing my face on the desk. Everyone laughed. FML

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By JWhite - 24/11/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML

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By heatherfeather22 - 31/7/2014 03:28 - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I got into trouble at work because a customer complained about my face tattoo, I don't have a face tattoo but I do have one behind my ear. Nonetheless, I still got written up and had to cover it with a band-aid, which ripped out hair when I took it off. FML

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Top comments

By TigranPet | 24

#6612013 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:57

It's ridiculous how every time I order a sandwich, it comes with bread on it.

By UnidentifiedFun | 37

#6612032 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:22

...so was anything else supposed to be on this 'mayonnaise sandwich?' Unless that's just a term I'm not familiar with, *gag*

COMMENTS

By mylonius | 19

#6612004 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:47

Plot twist...?

Reply

Kershme123 | 2

#6612120 - Sunday 22 May 2016 10:45

why the fuck is this downvoted? O_o

Reply

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6612171 - Sunday 22 May 2016 12:21

Probably because it's a stupid question that has nothing to do with the FML.

Reply

Draxomaximus | 10

#6612622 - Sunday 22 May 2016 21:56

Nah, it's a funny/sarcastic response to the sandwich having mayo in it.

Reply

Kershme123 | 2

#6612647 - Sunday 22 May 2016 22:29

wait, you didn't realise it was a sarcastic joke? like "oh shit what a plot twist, there's actually mayo in a mayo sandwich, goddamn, betcha haven't seen that one coming!"

By meatloaf11 | 23

#6612007 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:47

Is mayonnaise an instrument?

Reply

doodlebug33 | 20

#6612025 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:14

Horseradish is not an instrument either

Reply

BestOrginalName | 22

#6612302 - Sunday 22 May 2016 15:06

Lmao, nice reference to another FML.

Reply

PhantomKitty | 26

#6612328 - Sunday 22 May 2016 15:55

I'm pretty sure it was actually a reference to an episode of Spongebob Squarepants.

Reply

Michael978 | 16

#6612846 - Monday 23 May 2016 5:28

It was definitely something Patrick said in Spongebob..

Reply

Pop_And_Lock | 14

#6614282 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 5:51

No, this is Patrick!

By emeraldisle | 30

#6612008 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:48

I hope your manager laughed her out of the restaurant.

By Mathalamus | 24

#6612009 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:49

fucktard island? interesting. :P

Reply

pjsr | 32

#6612030 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:20

I've had many a fine holiday on Fucktard Island

Reply

ericanicole1 | 12

#6612434 - Sunday 22 May 2016 17:50

I need to remember that

By TigranPet | 24

#6612013 - Sunday 22 May 2016 6:57

It's ridiculous how every time I order a sandwich, it comes with bread on it.

Reply

may14th | 26

#6612087 - Sunday 22 May 2016 9:36

Listen to this nonsense. I once ordered a cheeseburger and there was cheese on it. Can you believe it???

Reply

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6612175 - Sunday 22 May 2016 12:24

Imagine my surprise when I ordered salad and they brought me a plate of lettuce and other vegetables.

Reply

gamermonster | 34

#6612178 - Sunday 22 May 2016 12:24

I once had a milkshake and there was milk in it. I'm allergic to that. Disgusting.

Reply

Regisord413 | 10

#6612452 - Sunday 22 May 2016 18:14

You would NOT believe this. I ordered a drink, and you know what they did? They served the drink in a freaking CUP. Unbelievable. These people should not be allowed to run a restaurant.

Reply

JustThatPerson | 21

#6612528 - Sunday 22 May 2016 19:54

I ordered a hamburger sandwich, they gave me bread with a damned burger between it!

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6612564 - Sunday 22 May 2016 20:29

Last time I ordered a sandwich, they forgot the sand! Unbelievable. ?

Reply

Sora_McKain | 36

#6613946 - Tuesday 24 May 2016 18:36

I ordered a hamburger once, there no ham on it =(

By Carlos_bh | 10

#6612019 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:04

Surely she's mental. I wouldn't even sweat it.

By hellnosucka | 27

#6612023 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:09

doesn't she know? it's the common way of fucktard islanders to put mayonnaise in a mayonnaise sandwich.

By thatweirdasian | 22

#6612024 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:10

Man, I should be pissed every time they freakin give me a patty in my cheeseburger!

By ragnarok1540 | 39

#6612026 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:14

Come on, OP, everyone knows that a mayonnaise sandwich is supposed to have vegemite ...

Reply

thatADHDdude | 21

#6618546 - Monday 30 May 2016 22:57

Do you come from a land down under?

By landonsvarre | 7

#6612029 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:19

I'm going to use Fucktard Island from now on