Health: Today, after I skipped dessert for the third day in a row, my... - FML

By chronic masticator - 21/05/2016 11:51 - United States

Today, after I skipped dessert for the third day in a row, my mom cornered me and accused me of being anorexic. I'm actually not far off being clinically obese and I'm just trying to diet, but nothing I say will convince her. She wants me to see a psychiatrist about a disorder I don't even have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 208

You deserved it 799

This Charming Man

Age difference

Another great day to be alive

By so pray to ariel about it, dipshits - 30/11/2012 19:29 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, two of my friends condemned me for being "narrow-minded", because I couldn't help but laugh at the thought that someone would believe mermaids actually exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 134

You deserved it 5 127

By Zit-Blues - 04/01/2010 13:50 - United States

Today, I had a large pimple on my temple. I decided to try the whole "put toothpaste on the zit to make it dry up" technique that all the magazines say to do. Not only is my pimple still there, but the toothpaste irritated my skin and my already large pimple now appears three times bigger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 017

You deserved it 8 027

Hello, goodbye

By Joey - 07/05/2009 22:39 - United States

Today, my wife of three years asked me to meet her for lunch at Subway. When I arrived, she was standing in the parking lot. She handed me a footlong sub, said "I got you a turkey sandwich" and followed it up with "And I'm leaving you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 96 009

You deserved it 5 227

Healthcare in the US is fucked up

By Anonymous - 22/08/2021 04:01

Today, I was out with friends when one of them started complaining about having to spend $50 on two copays for his therapist. He makes more a week than I do in three, and I can't even get seen by any type of healthcare professional because nowhere is accepting new patients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 641

You deserved it 69

By cat_loser - 09/12/2016 01:29

Today, I agreed to catsit for a friend. Her cat rode back to my house sitting on my shoulder in the car. As soon as I opened the door, he jumped out and ran off into the woods. It's been 2 1/2 hours and not even food will entice him back to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 671

You deserved it 3 310

By goldenpuppy - 19/05/2016 20:54 - United States - Somerville

Today, I was sitting on my couch when I felt something weird underneath me. I got up, thinking I'd sat on my phone or something. Wrong. I'd sat on a live mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 063

You deserved it 1 052

Head in the Clouds

By Anon - 08/02/2017 05:00 - Australia

Today, my 33-year-old brother told my 10-year-old daughter that clouds are made by factories blowing smoke. My daughter laughed at him and he got upset. He still believed my dad's lie from 25 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 105

You deserved it 645

By ihatemylife - 28/01/2013 01:08 - United States - Naperville

Today, at 24, I still can't grow a single bit of facial hair. Well, at least not on the right side of my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 314

You deserved it 2 404

By randomguy - 09/07/2012 15:09 - United States - Saylorsburg

Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 899

You deserved it 12 123

Landmine

By Anonymous - 03/04/2021 00:30

Today, my sister told everyone she doesn't get mad at people anymore, and just accepts it. Today is also the day she folded laundry and threw my clothes around my room. Still not mad, just passive aggressive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 759

You deserved it 92

Night snack

By adventurousnightsbutnotinagoodway - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Netherlands - Leiden

Today, it was safe to say I started sleepwalking again, after I woke up with a mouth filled with soil and a ravaged plant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 883

You deserved it 3 704

By Allenburg - 18/01/2009 01:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, the guy I've had a crush on for a while called me and asked me over. I took a cab to his place and when I got there he was dressed in leather and wore a mask... It took me a 20 dollar cab fare to realize my crush is a freak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 642

You deserved it 7 468

By I piss upon thee - 13/05/2016 18:35 - United States - Toledo

Today, I got a warning for not covering a shift, on my day off, for someone who didn't want to go to work. Apparently the next time I “do something wrong", I'll either get warned again or fired, whichever they feel like doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 911

You deserved it 1 018

By heartbroken - 14/07/2012 01:41 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I came home in tears after my boyfriend admitted to cheating on me. My dad told me to sit down and tell him everything. He's pretty eccentric, so I wasn't fazed when he put on a pair of sunglasses. When I stopped talking, I noticed his mouth was slightly agape and he was snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 553

You deserved it 2 814

By Anonymous - 10/07/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law announced that she's going to be moving into the apartment next to us. Oh joy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 732

You deserved it 2 982

By zamwow - 20/12/2013 23:36 - United States - Ridgefield Park

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Just as he was about to finish, he pulled out and came in his hand. He then flicked his hand towards my face and yelled, "Sha-ZAM!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 666

You deserved it 8 845

By Miss<Younger>Beyoncé - 13/10/2014 08:13 - Namibia - Windhoek

Today, I was boxing up all my brother's old stuff to take to the attic. I came across a box, and without checking what was inside, I took it up, just to have it fall on my head, to then find out it was filled with dead baby hamsters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 766

You deserved it 3 908

What a charmer

By Anonymous - 30/05/2020 23:05

Today, after surgery on Monday, I can’t do much because of where my scars are until they heal. My husband won’t clean the house at all, dishes are all over my kitchen bar, laundry is all piled up by the washing machine. When I asked for help, he said it’s not his job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 144

You deserved it 547

Is it though?

By lindsey822 - 08/04/2021 10:59

Today, my brother and his wife have seriously decided to name their son “Bubba.” I don’t know how to politely explain to them that Bubba is a dog’s name, not a human’s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 718

You deserved it 229

By Anonymous - 24/04/2013 18:56 - United States - Huntington Park

Spicy

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 271

You deserved it 9 801

Dingdong

By Anonymous - 06/04/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I was walking out of a Starbucks and saw someone walking out behind me. Thinking it would be the nice thing to do, I held the door open. I was holding the door for about 30 seconds before realizing I was holding the door for my own shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 539

You deserved it 65 008

By notahero - 09/01/2015 04:40 - United States - Brentwood

Today, my boss told me she had a nightmare where her life depended on me, and I let her die. Now I'm ridiculously paranoid that I'm going to get fired at any second. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 261

You deserved it 2 608

By Anonymous - 24/05/2016 10:30 - Ukraine

Today, I took my 9-year-old sister to an ice cream shop. There we met a boy about her age, who started a conversation with her, told her she was pretty and they ended up exchanging numbers. I'm 24 and so far I've never succeeded at getting a girl's number like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 666

You deserved it 1 304

(That's 77° in Freedom Units)

By Anonymous - 19/05/2018 20:30

Today, we're having my grandmother over. Because we don't have a guest room, she is sleeping in mine. It is 25°C at night and she is sleeping naked with her dog right next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 941

You deserved it 347

By paige - 01/04/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 634

You deserved it 5 772

Little fella

By littlefella - 04/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Novato

Spicy

Today, I was taking a piss when a old lady somehow managed to wander in. She blushed, chuckled and apologized, "Sorry, little fella!" before leaving. I don't know what size she was commenting on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 112

You deserved it 817

By Anonymous - 16/09/2014 17:44 - Netherlands - Haarlem

Today, my husband and I broke the news that I'm pregnant. Our 8-year-old son's reactions so far have been crying inconsolably, trying to punch me in the stomach, and swearing that he won't let me give him a brother or sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 956

You deserved it 5 237

By Anonymos_fmler - 21/10/2014 00:38 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 845

You deserved it 5 279

By Anonymous - 20/04/2012 01:26 - United States

Today, I offered my phone number to the guy I've been flirting back and forth with all week. He said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 681

You deserved it 4 008

By polebitch49 - 14/03/2014 20:45 - Canada - Toronto

Spicy

Today, my friends hired a male stripper to give me a lap dance for my birthday. It was all pretty nice until he let rip one of the most nauseating farts I've ever encountered, right in my face. Hours later, I can still smell it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 923

You deserved it 7 431

By RoommateWanted - 10/09/2013 21:02 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my roommate unexpectedly came home with a new puppy. I'm severely allergic to dogs. When I reminded her of this, she explained that the puppy was her family now and if I didn't like it I should move out because blood is thicker than water. My roommate is my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 843

You deserved it 3 350

By mish - 22/09/2013 20:41 - United Kingdom - Leominster

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via Snapchat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 139

You deserved it 4 165

By anthony - 25/11/2015 12:32 - Luxembourg

Today, a cute girl I know in passing approached me very nervously and blushing like mad. She gave me a note with a number on it, said to call her, then ran away. When I called the number later, it was one of those rejection hotlines. What the hell? FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 091

You deserved it 1 863

By aerythia - 08/12/2012 16:12 - United States - Nashville

Today, it's my birthday and my ex husband texted me at midnight to tell happy birthday. Too bad he couldn't have texted my new husband to remind him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 583

You deserved it 5 485

By Carowl - 05/08/2015 02:33

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 161

You deserved it 2 887

By J - 11/02/2016 15:44 - Malta - Piet?

Today, my sister punched me in the face. My dad was actually annoyed with me when I told him. He said I'll never be a "real man" if I can't take a hit from a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 221

You deserved it 3 270

By mstar - 24/09/2012 17:01 - United States

Today, I realized how lonely I am when I got excited over receiving my daily weather update from the Weather Channel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 565

You deserved it 2 814

By wtf - 03/02/2009 03:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before my job interview because I tend to sweat there a lot and was wearing a white skirt. I went to the bathroom afterward to take it out but it wasn't there anymore. It could have only gone up two places. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 644

You deserved it 15 464

By peopleinthepark - 30/05/2009 14:46 - United States

Today, it was beautiful out. I decided to play guitar at the park near my house. I left my guitar case open, asking not for money but for feedback. I got two pieces of paper with feedback: 1) You're fat. 2) Get a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 874

You deserved it 13 411

By Anonymous - 22/06/2014 16:34 - United States - Syosset

Today, I came back home after a year studying abroad. Imagine my surprise when I found out my mom had gotten breast implants while I was away. All through dinner, I kept catching myself staring at them. No wonder my dad was so much happier than when I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 655

You deserved it 5 073

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Sunday 22 May 2016 6:53

Sounds like your mum needs to see a therapist as well.

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Sunday 22 May 2016 6:47

Sounds like a more extreme version of my mom. When I was younger and tried to diet, my mom always thought i was starving myself.

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Sunday 22 May 2016 6:47

Sounds like a more extreme version of my mom. When I was younger and tried to diet, my mom always thought i was starving myself.

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Sunday 22 May 2016 10:53

That's probably because dieting isn't healthy or maintainable. You should actually do a lifestyle change.

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Sunday 22 May 2016 13:12

Dieting can help if you are overweight but aren't gaining anymore. I has been stuck at around 259 for years. I dieted for year and lost 100 pounds in the first 6 months. Of course it slowed down after that but after I stopped I have maintained my weight for another year so far, minus gaining and losing the occasional 5-10 pounds. Going to to it for one for round to loose another 20-30 pounds but maintaining your goal weight isn't as hard as a lot of people project it is as long as you don't overindulge all the time. If you can think of sweets and deserts as once in a while treats, it should be achieve able as long as there are no underlying medical issues. The hard part is losing it in the first place. Of course I'm talking only of my experience.

tigerisabelle 31

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Sunday 22 May 2016 15:36

my mom used to force me to diet lol

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Sunday 22 May 2016 6:53

Sounds like your mum needs to see a therapist as well.

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Sunday 22 May 2016 6:59

Spanish mom?

mrbutterkills 6

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Sunday 22 May 2016 7:07

it's funny cause your nickname is actually ironic

completerubbish 17

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Sunday 22 May 2016 12:31

He probably wrote that because he said he wasn't far from being clinically obese...

pjsr 32

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Sunday 22 May 2016 7:22

Stop talking without your mouth full!

DoomedGemini 37

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Sunday 22 May 2016 7:29

Skipping dessert only is now anorexic? What's your mom on? As long as you are dieting healthy she should be supportive! Maybe try to explain your diet and what you are limiting yourself to?

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Monday 23 May 2016 12:25

moms are people too they might not always be right but they worry none the less. she can't be that bad considering she raised to have the cairity self control to diet (hopefully a healthy diet)

laden_swallow09 34

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Sunday 22 May 2016 7:30

Then… your mother is a fucktard and shouldn't be taken seriously? Fuggetaboudit! She can't force you to eat garbage you don't want, no matter how much she may try to guilt you into it. Keep on your diet and shimmy off those inches!! You go, girl!

ragnarok1540 39

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Sunday 22 May 2016 7:31

Sounds like your mother may have factitious disorder by proxy (a.k.a. Munchausen by proxy) ...

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Sunday 22 May 2016 7:36

Good for you OP for trying to stay healthy, it's not easy, especially when you have family members egging you on to eat poorly.

bluemineblocks 3

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Sunday 22 May 2016 7:39

She's just afraid that you'll be more fit than she is.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 040

You deserved it 136

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 242

You deserved it 303