Work: Today, while waiting tables, I watched a woman pull the bacon...

By craigtm029429 - 02/03/2012 00:47 - United States

Today, while waiting tables, I watched a woman pull the bacon off her roast beef melt and eat it. She then called me over and spent several minutes complaining about the our chefs' inadequacy because they didn't put bacon on her sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 749

You deserved it 1 878

Work

Age difference

Broken heart

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

By lyssuhhhh - 26/09/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, while working at McDonald's, a woman asked me what came on a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. Trying not to laugh, I respond, "Bacon, egg, and cheese." She then realizes the stupidity of her question, and launches three dollars worth of quarters at my face and says, "Laugh at that, jerk." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 540

You deserved it 6 568

By dave - 27/10/2009 15:36 - United States

Today, I took a trip to Wal-Mart. There's a car wash that they conveniently built right outside of this Wal-Mart. So as I was leaving, I decided to make use of this car wash, not even thinking about the $200 worth of groceries I had just purchased. I drive a pick-up truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 719

You deserved it 68 386

Customer service

By retailworker - 09/01/2020 14:00

Today, at work, I was helping a customer over the phone. Another customer came and asked me a question. I let them know I'd be with them shortly. They then said "I really think you should hang up. The customer is always first." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 333

You deserved it 548

By notautistic - 26/09/2014 01:15 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, marks yet again another day that I've been asked if I'm autistic. No, that's just my Korean accent. Apparently I look "too white" to have one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 630

You deserved it 2 725

By ugh - 15/07/2013 11:46 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, after my parents left for the weekend, my "friends" decided to throw a party at my house despite my protests. In order to get them to leave, I called the police. I was the only one arrested, while they got warnings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 704

You deserved it 9 115

By KiDCuSHi - 20/08/2011 04:58 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend sexted me for the first time in months. Half way through reading it I was getting kind of hot. Then I found a spelling mistake and all I could think to do was correct her. She won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 042

You deserved it 76 369

By Anonymous - 17/08/2010 07:10 - United States

Today, I was on my third date with this really cute girl. After a very romantic evening, I decided to go for the first kiss, but because of my nervous reflex in which I get bloody noses, I ended up bleeding all over her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 536

You deserved it 4 880

By heck - 12/08/2016 13:57

Today, I took a drug test. Not only did I fail the drug test, but I mostly missed the sample cup and got urine all over my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 131

You deserved it 18 406

Rolled

By shushingmoon - 18/09/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I was in class, playing online poker and keeping up my winning record. I eventually got seated against a guy who beat me at every hand. I heard laughing behind me after I lost all my winnings. The guy behind me had just made an account, looked over my shoulder, and won all my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 913

You deserved it 53 546

By Duckie W - 13/02/2009 01:24 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my sister about how jealous I was of her looks. Her response was "Sometimes it's okay to be the ugly sister. Like, you have less of a chance of getting raped." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 619

You deserved it 6 202

By Username - 28/05/2010 06:20 - France

Today, it was the hottest day of the year so I opened my sun roof. The hottest day of the year was followed by the biggest storm of the year. I forgot to close my sun roof and my car is now flooded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 138

You deserved it 32 551

By Anonymous - 09/01/2012 02:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 044

You deserved it 3 926

By Stupid - 01/03/2019 04:00

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's wife. He's still saying he is not married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 443

You deserved it 301

By Jota - 23/10/2017 19:00

Today, I was doing a job interview on Skype when my roommate decided to reboot the wireless router because "the internet was too slow". The interviewer didn't bother calling again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 185

You deserved it 353

By KJL - 29/08/2011 15:38 - United States

Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 701

You deserved it 3 853

By _Oblivion_ - 27/11/2011 01:51 - United States

Today, I fractured my finger setting up a rat trap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 787

You deserved it 13 577

By bibou2324 - 18/04/2012 20:41

Today, during my first day as a doctor’s intern, I attended a consultation. The embarrassed patient asked me to leave. Not really knowing my way around, I went through the first door I could find. By the time I realized it was a closet, I didn’t dare come back out. Twenty minutes is a long time to wait. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 384

You deserved it 5 519

By spaceavery - 24/09/2016 04:53 - United States - Gresham

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 120

You deserved it 1 554

By frenchy - 06/02/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my friends and I go to a bar and get wasted. I walk around and see a kid. I start yelling, "There's a child in this bar! There's a CHILD in this BAR!" She turns around. She was a midget. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 109

You deserved it 55 305

By Anonymous - 25/01/2012 02:58 - United States

Today, the office tough guy learned how to use the fire extinguisher. On me. I wasn't on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 860

You deserved it 2 499

By lulabell - 19/05/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I waved at a cute guy when I was leaving Wendy's. I then ran into a curb, spilled my frosty, and hit my head on the steering wheel. I turned around and both the cute guy and his dad were in hysterics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 227

You deserved it 43 849

By booger - 18/07/2013 07:41 - United States - Plano

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend began to stroke my nose. "You can pick your girlfriend, but you can't pick your girlfriend's nose," I said playfully. In response, he shouted "Yes, I can!" before painfully jamming his pinky up my left nostril. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 673

You deserved it 14 974

By Anonymous - 28/07/2015 13:14 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a customer bitched me out, saying he wouldn't eat his vegetarian dish because it didn't "look vegetarian enough." He then demanded a refund and a plate of the same vegetarian dish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 162

You deserved it 1 511

By stupid voicemails - 28/04/2013 09:09 - United States - Lahaina

Today, I missed multiple calls from the company I applied to. That was the supervisor calling, wanting to hire me. I then remembered my idiotic voicemail I made months ago where I pretended to answer and say stupid stuff for 5 minutes. I don't think I'm going to get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 984

You deserved it 55 079

By queenmeme - 08/10/2014 06:02 - United States - Redlands

Today, I showed my mom a picture of a baby sloth. She then said, "Wait, sloths are real?" She thought Ice Age made them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 290

You deserved it 3 714

By underachiever - 20/02/2010 07:29 - Australia

Today, while on my graveyard shift at an inner-city backpackers lodge, a drunk pissed in a dorm at 4am. I had to clean up after him, wash all the luggage that got dowsed, clean up 2 separate piles of puke, and help 3 drunken Brits back to their room while they abused me. I have a science degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 941

You deserved it 3 913

By theseguysarewhipped... - 06/10/2014 15:05 - Canada - London

Today, as a limo driver, I had to drive 8 guys for a night-out from their wives. I put the Michigan/Rutgers game on the radio, thinking they would appreciate that. Apparently, they wanted to listen to their "pump-up" songs instead, which were mostly Katy Perry songs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 618

You deserved it 5 215

By anonymous - 20/02/2015 23:49 - United States - Paragould

Today, it was snowing but I had to let my dog out, so I picked him up and carried him outside. I slipped, landed on him and ended up breaking his leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 400

You deserved it 7 069

Online Dating = Brutal

By kirbykylestorm - 16/09/2018 20:30

Today, I realised just how lonely I am. After using Tinder for about a week, I got my first match. I said hi while I was in class since I was excited, but by the time I'd gotten back home, she'd unmatched me. I've never felt so hurt by a complete stranger before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 749

You deserved it 305

By armybrat - 10/07/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while babysitting my neighbors kids for the day. I was woken up by this obnoxious sound, only to find the youngest kid holding scissors in one hand, a pony tail of hair in his shorts jumping around like a horse, oh, and a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 486

You deserved it 59 781

We Are Family

By bad dad - 15/03/2020 00:01

Today, I met my paternal grandparents for the first time, since my dad was never in my life and my mom wouldn’t talk about him. According to them, I have at least 28 other siblings from him, and who knows how many that haven’t come forward. No wonder my mom always hated him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 820

You deserved it 97

By Zooep - 24/10/2016 13:54

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 662

You deserved it 767

By you ripped them off ages ago - 17/08/2014 06:15 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, a few minutes after giving birth to our fourth child, my wife pulled me close and whispered, "I love you, but if you ever put me through that again I'll rip your balls off." Everyone laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 981

You deserved it 16 258

By riya - 29/09/2018 05:00

Today, I had the worst day of my life. I'd studied science for the whole damn night, only to realize the next morning that it's a math exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 136

You deserved it 2 986

The truth

By Theaccident - 22/01/2011 10:03 - Australia

Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 913

You deserved it 3 640

By spongebob squarepants - 28/02/2018 01:30

Today, I rear-ended someone while trying to watch my odometer hit 80,000 miles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 565

You deserved it 7 218

By cuntsmom - 24/09/2013 04:47 - United States

Today, my niece, who is fifteen, convinced my six-year-old daughter that her name is spelled C-U-N-T, and just pronounced as Catherine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 471

You deserved it 3 438

By Anonymous - 22/08/2015 00:29 - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my sister got promoted to manager at the store we both work at. Since company policy states that siblings can't work at the same store if one of them is a manager, I was let go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 394

You deserved it 1 819

By Anonymous - 04/02/2015 16:06 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend of 5 days proposed to me at the mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 748

You deserved it 4 837

By Jessie - 25/11/2011 06:13 - United States

Today, during my boyfriend's family reunion, I started my period but didn't have any tampons. I asked my boyfriend to ask his mom if she had any. I sat on the toilet waiting, then heard him loudly ask his whole family "Does anybody have a tampon my girlfriend can have?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 402

You deserved it 4 551

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Top comments

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:00

The things people will do for extra bacon.

erickk89 0

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:03

Hahha did u tell her you were watching her the whole time?!

BallisticHalo3 11

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:00

CareFace 16

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:11

Hello. What a pig! (no pun intended) Mugshot->PermBan.

AllSoul 23

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:17

Howdy. One could call her pig ignorent? No?

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:00

The things people will do for extra bacon.

kdahrouj 6

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:18

Bacon gives you aids

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:23

You're not supposed to wrap it around the dick, stupid. If you had just used a condom that hopefully wouldn't have happened.

JoshTheMaggot 8

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Friday 2 March 2012 10:55

That was the same thing that was said to 14's Dad..

redbluegreen 40

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Friday 2 March 2012 10:55

Try J & D's Baconlube™. Now you can have your meat and eat it too!

DaKillaMafia 2

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Friday 2 March 2012 12:37

Stupidity gives you aids.

blackheart24 10

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Friday 2 March 2012 15:16

Bacon is the best food in the world. Nuff said.

WorldRallyXtreme 9

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Friday 2 March 2012 15:42

63 - except for pigs

nava1210 12

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Friday 2 March 2012 16:35

Yummmy, bacon.

kdahrouj 6

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:16

So does your mom

make_me_smile 4

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Saturday 3 March 2012 0:30

ikr #63!!!

mahendra12 3

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Saturday 3 March 2012 8:23

mahendra12 3

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Saturday 3 March 2012 8:25

hiiii

nerobluerose 10

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Saturday 3 March 2012 10:43

That woman is secretly the dog from that dog food commercial that tastes like bacon. Sorry I can't remember the brand.

baconstrips 12

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Sunday 4 March 2012 18:41

63 damn straight it is!

Gvfell 9

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Friday 31 May 2013 6:30

'Murica

skitzofunia88 8

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:00

That swine!

thatgirlinoregon 21

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Friday 2 March 2012 13:08

What a pig, trying to hog all the bacon like that!

pedosmurf 7

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Friday 2 March 2012 13:55

She's eating her brotherns

Zoh_Aubrey 8

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Saturday 3 March 2012 6:06

Swine, my brother?

erickk89 0

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:03

Hahha did u tell her you were watching her the whole time?!

bustub2 8

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Friday 2 March 2012 11:50

Technically, what she did was stealing. She intended to receive more bacon through deception, a bacon burglary!

thatgirlinoregon 21

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Friday 2 March 2012 13:16

@41: so you're saying she purloined the pork?

419 0

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Friday 2 March 2012 19:22

If he told her that she would probably just start complaining on how he was watching her

maronofhearts 19

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Saturday 3 March 2012 0:00

And? What's the problem with that you should always watch customers especially if they are stealing bacon that shit isn't cheap. Complaining an employee is watching yours like complaining they have security cameras as long as they aren't doing it for pleasure or some creepy way he has every right to watch her bacon stealing ass

SeemsToFail 0

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:07

Shes one messed up lady

ninjuh_wingman 29

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:08

That sucks but in her defense, bacon is delicious.

capnbzarr 43

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Friday 2 March 2012 16:36

You're right, it is delicious. So let's all go try to steal some! (jk, in case you can't tell)

klimpomppp 9

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Friday 22 February 2013 15:25

*spoons the bacon*. PROBLEM ?

CuteDumBlonde64 11

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:11

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

skitzofunia88 8

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:30

At least you admit it

ThatOneCanadian 0

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Friday 2 March 2012 13:05

hey, sometimes the worst puns are best puns.

RacerX1695 1

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Friday 2 March 2012 13:35

Your spelling was also terrible.

llamafish 25

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Saturday 3 March 2012 1:42

Terriable - capable of being terried

RabidLimaBeans 16

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Saturday 7 December 2013 1:00

I was thinking terrier. . .

deviable 9

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:15

You know you can call her on it right?

CoreyC07 10

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Friday 2 March 2012 9:15

Some may call her crazy. I call her a genius.

capnbzarr 43

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Friday 2 March 2012 16:41

It was an attempted (and apparently failed) theft by deception. For it to be an act of genius, she would have had to at least make sure the waiter wasn't watching while she ate the bacon. Also, if you pull this type of shit at a restaurant, don't be surprised if they spit in your food. People who abuse people working in the service industry are the scum of the earth. Please don't applaud them.