Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised...

By crazy_mom - 1/11/2010 15:10 - United States

Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML

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Intimacy

Nice neighborhood

Long story short

Ghosted

By Anonymous - 15/7/2012 19:09 - United States - Littleton

Today, I went to a big family dinner. At one point, my cousin ran up to me, sobbing hysterically, holding his crotch, and making a huge scene. Turns out that while taking a piss, he "accidentally" swatted his willy with an electric bug zapper. I can't believe I'm related to this little shit. FML

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By hatethatiloveyou - 10/2/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, my crush talked to me for the first time. He told me to stop staring. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 14:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband keeps in contact with the woman he was infatuated with in high school. He texts her more than he texts me. FML

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By crap - 7/3/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I finally told my best friend whom I've secretly been in love with for two years that I was in love with her but at the last second chickened out and said I was joking. She replied with "Don't scare me like that. I thought I was going to have to find a new best friend for a second" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2014 17:55 - United States

Today, my mom found my dildo, and got so angry that she beat me with it. FML

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By paperbagofdoom - 29/5/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, while working at a certain California theme park in full costume, I was approached by a kid in line, who looked at me and exclaimed, "Hey look, its Indiana Jones!" which felt pretty amazing. His sister, who was maybe seven years old, glanced over at me and said, "No, he's way too fat." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 11:44 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had dinner with my family for the first time in a couple of days. My mum and dad spent the majority of the time arguing whether salt or pepper weighed more. This is why I'm not home often. FML

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By liz - 8/3/2010 01:46 - United States

Today, at work, I had toast thrown at me by an old Vietnam vet. Who also happens to have a dead cat in his freezer. I love retirement homes. FML

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By matchristityler - 9/2/2010 08:19 - United States

Today, my son pooped in his diaper and managed to somehow take it off without my knowledge. He then sat down on the carpet and imitated a dog with worms, all the way down the hallway, through the living room, and into my bedroom. FML

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By Username - 28/1/2012 19:47 - United States

Today, I was in a Zumba class with a young woman in her 20s and an older woman in her 80s. I couldn't keep up with either one of them. FML

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By Maxx - 7/3/2010 03:56 - United States

Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

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By anonymous - 21/2/2011 05:01

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. We got into it. It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. FML

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By dishwasherforlife - 4/11/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I filled out a 'perfect job placement' test, where you put down your skills, experience and education level and then it finds you jobs based on your abilities and areas of knowledge. No lie, the most compatible job they found for me was 'Dishwasher'. FML

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By grossedout - 9/12/2010 02:26 - United States

Today, I was helping an old lady at my job. While I was in mid-sentence, she coughed wet phlegm directly into my mouth. It tasted vile and caused me to have a panic attack while working. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2013 14:22 - United States - Big Lake

Today, I asked my grandmother to hem my prom dress for me. I'm her oldest granddaughter so I thought she'd be happy to do it. She said no. Her occupation is a seamstress. FML

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By fucking fuck it fucking hurts - 21/12/2012 22:41 - United States

Today, after nearly a week of awful pain in my right lung, I finally went to see a doctor about it. When I mentioned my history of lung problems and suggested it could be pneumonia, he told me to "leave the diagnosing to the professionals" and ended up claiming I have acid reflux. FML

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By Noname - 13/3/2009 07:27 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my best friend that I've had a crush on him since our junior year. Since I couldn't see him I shot him a text. His response: "Yeah I know. I've tried kind of ignoring it." FML

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By Thanks Fred - 18/5/2019 00:05

Today, I discovered why there was such a horrible stench in my bedroom. My cat had a secret stash of shit under my dresser. Along with the carcass of a rat. FML

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By apparentfatty - 11/11/2011 11:50 - Canada

Today, I found out that my husband thinks I'm fat when I caught him slipping diet pills into my morning smoothie. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 16:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got drunk and tried to french-kiss my dog. Now he has 12 stitches in his face, and he's insisting we have to get my dog put down. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2011 03:27 - United Kingdom

Today, the closest I came to doing something that could be vaguely construed as "constructive" was wanking and crying. Sometimes simultaneously. FML

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By planking champion - 17/10/2011 22:05 - United States

Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML

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By now what - 24/12/2014 05:56 - United States - San Leandro

Today, my husband came home with a Christmas gift from a coworker. It's the same thing I got him. FML

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By alejandro38 - 11/7/2010 14:44 - United States

Today, I had an interview. I didn't get the job because apparently customers might not understand me, since I "talk too good." I just graduated with an English degree. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 18:00

Oedipus Rex

Today, my mother started arguing with me once again about how my life revolves around my girlfriend and how it's unhealthy to spend so much time with her. We live together and are engaged to be married. FML

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By Aly - 9/12/2011 15:40 - United States

Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML

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By justin_99 - 3/11/2009 01:15 - Canada

Today, I was working at Tim Hortons. A lady was in line, and she couldnt make up her mind. 20 minutes later she finally decided to get something, and she reached in her pocket. I was hoping it was a tip, but she gave me a coupon for a haircut. FML

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By NoOrdinaryNZer - 30/10/2016 11:09 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, an old man, while I was working, asked me to spell average-length words. Confused, I refused. Turns out I was apparently taking too long counting the large amount of small change he'd given to me, and he assumed I couldn't count or spell. I study law, and I've learned basic calculus. Welcome to retail. FML

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By ihatecats - 1/12/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, I heard my cat climbing on the counters in the kitchen. To prevent a tremendous avalanche of dishes, I picked up the cat and put it outside. She got scared from the blinds and scurried away leaving deep scratches across my nipple. I wasn't wearing a shirt. FML

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By Dummas - 15/1/2017 12:00

Today, I sent out an email asking people to contact me if they were not on our group's email list yet so that I could add them. I sent it out to the group list. They were quite amused. FML

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By lalararara - 4/3/2010 15:48 - United States

Today, I got a 95 on my term project. To congratulate me, my boyfriend said we're having sex tonight. I only get laid if I get good grades. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2011 21:22 - United States

Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML

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By Pandaling - 26/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Devil parents

Today, my mother-in-law said: "People who don't have kids are children of the devil." I'm infertile, she knows this. FML

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By ohmygod - 20/6/2013 05:49 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch when my grandmother came over and started watching me. Suddenly she said, "I see you're getting breasts". I'm a guy. FML

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By beforegirl - 8/11/2010 21:11 - Australia

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

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By Noname - 30/1/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I got a haircut and the first thing the lady asked was "so do you want to keep the mullet?". What mullet?! FML

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By travelsickness - 10/8/2010 13:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to endure a long drive from Poland to England. We weren't allowed to open our windows. My mum threw up. Twice. FML

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By - 7/2/2020 18:00

Bachelor party

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

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By pinks - 2/9/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, when my son woke up from his nap, he sleepily reached up. I picked him up and gave him a big hug, and he immediately pushed me away. He wasn't reaching for me, he was reaching for the bag of chips on the table next to me. FML

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By xrebeccalou - 25/12/2010 04:59 - United States

Today, I went to my long-distance boyfriend's party. His best friend was talking to me and trying to make conversation, he asked, "So, are you two official?" I responded with a definite yes, but was cut off mid-word by my boyfriend, who quickly said, "No, not really." Sorry, I wasn't aware, darling. FML

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Top comments

By ToeCutter | 0

#1636112 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:13

Where the porn mags & handcuffs from your Moms personal stash? Kind of disturbing.

By WiseGuy79 | 14

#1636116 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:14

I can imagine the explanation now 'Wait don't leave they are my mom's mags n cuffs!' lmao

Comments

By Peytonlikesme | 0

#1636076 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:05

Who wants a gf cuz I'm available

SoDorable | 0

#1636091 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:07

did you really just say that? if ur serious ur pathetic.

my_user_name | 7

#1636234 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:35

That sucks, but mostly you deserve it for saying "maths" if you're living in the US.

Flounder | 2

#1636240 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:39

LOL #22...I second that

knibbsy | 4

#1636256 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:43

22 and 23, refer to comment number 5 below.

HahaHokayThen | 10

#1636457 - Monday 1 November 2010 21:13

Did you get your freak on?

kofinater | 3

#1636627 - Monday 1 November 2010 22:21

if he did it wouldn't be a fml anymore, now would it?

By rxmazing | 0

#1636086 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:06

why would your mom think that's funny...

Haha_Owned3 | 6

#1636121 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:15

it is funny... Just sayin.. =]

KingDingALing | 9

#1636207 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:29

^This.
Your mom is evil.

GtDriver | 6

#1636527 - Monday 1 November 2010 21:46

Mom win.

BadasS14 | 0

#1636661 - Monday 1 November 2010 22:37

Cockblock!!

sukatlife | 0

#1638778 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 6:35

how bout y did the mom even have these things

planbsponserme | 2

#1638931 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 7:28

your mom is so cool. bet shes a milf too

zanzaber89 | 0

#1639308 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 10:48

gtdriver. nice dfs. lol

bwhahaha_fml | 10

#1640034 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 16:16

well at least you don't have to worry about you mom getting you in trouble for watching porn?

missawesome16 | 0

#1661305 - Sunday 7 November 2010 6:19

maybe she wants to get the three-way on or that was 4 her and ur lady friend (or ur dad)

Prolusive | 5

#1994509 - Saturday 22 January 2011 7:19

Because she has this thing called 'sense of humour'
I think that's bloody hilarious.
However, why would OP's mother have porn magazines and handcuffs >_<

lilyisme1324 | 0

#4084081 - Saturday 25 February 2012 3:10

Haha well I think it's funny

By BenignSociopath | 10

#1636096 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:07

its cool offer to get ur mom a drink and put eyedrops in it. thatll teach her.

schalk | 12

#1636980 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 0:13

Yes let's put his mother in a coma for a prank

dannycoyne | 0

#1648627 - Thursday 4 November 2010 7:08

is that wut eyedrops can do?

yoBitchAsHotAsIC | 0

#1648791 - Thursday 4 November 2010 8:08

noo it just gives u diarhea

goomonk | 2

#3875180 - Friday 13 January 2012 3:13

Is that sarcasm?

By knibbsy | 4

#1636106 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:10

A maths test, eh? At least it wasn't a sciences test or an Englishs test.

mordion | 0

#1636110 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:12

That's how they spell it everywhere except America. Who's a prick now?

stronghand0331 | 17

#1636136 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:17

Still you, mordion.

suppressed08 | 2

#1636154 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:20

He wasn't a prick until asking 'who's a prick now?'

You need to learn to roll with Knibbsy, and if he's wrong just go 'Ahhh, what's he like!' :)

knibbsy | 4

#1636184 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:26

mordion, your point is irrelevant because OP is from the US. So its seems likes you'res stills the pricks.

mordion | 0

#1636192 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:27

I'm not a prick, I'm an ass. The subtle difference is that my original statement was correct. :D

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1636313 - Monday 1 November 2010 20:06

The fact that he said "maths" is a pretty reliable indication that he isn't *from* the US, even if he lives here now.

imright24 | 0

#1636349 - Monday 1 November 2010 20:16

Um, no it's not.

fmlsxmakexmyxday | 0

#1636438 - Monday 1 November 2010 21:00

Maths is infact correct. Look it up why don't you? I use it all the time and so does my family from England.

Strebor | 0

#1636494 - Monday 1 November 2010 21:27

you know, you could have a sciences test, if it was an overall test. and Englishs would become Englishes, #5

MAZCAR | 0

#1636512 - Monday 1 November 2010 21:36

Well the whole term is actually mathematics, you would'nt say mathematic now would you.

HomeAl0ne | 20

#1636521 - Monday 1 November 2010 21:41

Oooh, a maths debate.

Can I join in?

*fapfapfap*

MAZCAR | 0

#1636558 - Monday 1 November 2010 21:56

1.75, 3.5, 5.25

only if you know what the 52nd term would be :)

lexi_368 | 0

#1636605 - Monday 1 November 2010 22:11

yes maths... as in short for mathematics... you'll notice both are plural so maths is actually more grammatically correct than math singular.. don't be such a smartass

beren456 | 1

#1636635 - Monday 1 November 2010 22:25

You're wrong. we are shortening mathematics to math(ematics). so it would not be math(ematic)s. That would be stupid.

Leetswaglordmaybe2 | 9

#1636811 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:06

thank you for clearing that up, I didn't know that.
mom:="win"

RKftw68 | 0

#1638758 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 6:27

retard, in the uk maths means mathematics
because mathematics is plural. so technically Americans are the people pronouncing it wrong.
asshole

pizzasammy | 0

#1639207 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 9:31

silly uk peasants, no wonder the British empire has crumbled away

airforcebound | 0

#1640043 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 16:18

go suck a chode mordion

Raxilius | 0

#1641114 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:06

:o MAZCAR is it 91?

millertime6564 | 0

#1655594 - Saturday 6 November 2010 2:37

lol

kbabylvr21 | 10

#5642278 - Saturday 24 August 2013 23:30

Except op apparently lives in the United States.

By ToeCutter | 0

#1636112 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:13

Where the porn mags & handcuffs from your Moms personal stash? Kind of disturbing.

hudson155 | 0

#1637140 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 1:25

yeah lol

By WiseGuy79 | 14

#1636116 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:14

I can imagine the explanation now 'Wait don't leave they are my mom's mags n cuffs!' lmao

Mielad | 0

#1636221 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:32

That would be hilarious! xD

@ OP, You're mom is hilarious although it sucks for you. None-the-lesssssss. HILARIOUS :L

Poepiepiesie | 3

#1636833 - Monday 1 November 2010 23:12

I bet his mom had it all figured out.
Once you'll laugh.

By Iluv2D_fml | 0

#1636126 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:15

You should have told her that was for later, *wink* and then throw the mags @ ur mom

By deepbluesea | 1

#1636128 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:16

Your mother did this?!? What the hell goes on at your house? I'm not saying your mother should not have a sex life, but does she not know what a boundary is?

wdirrim | 0

#1639283 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 10:32

I bought my mom porn and cuffs for her and her boyfriend...what of it...

By maryjaneslover7 | 0

#1636214 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:30

omg that is cold but fuking hilarious god damn your moms a bitch woulda been great if the girl was into that kinda thing tho

By sardonic | 0

#1636218 - Monday 1 November 2010 19:32

Are you SURE you wanted to
teach her maths?