Miscellaneous: Today, I had to explain to my mother that it is inappropriate... - FML

By Anonymous - 01/11/2010 15:00 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my mother that it is inappropriate to hit on my boyfriend when his parents are over for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 175

You deserved it 2 683

Triage

Leave us alone

Thanks Boris!

Inked

By Rubach - 13/06/2021 02:01

Today, I came to terms with the fact that my dad will die without knowing I have tattoos on my body. I'm afraid my dad will suffer a deadly heart attack due to the revelation, as he had two heart failures in the past. My dad is still the sort of person who thinks that people with tattoos are criminals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 638

You deserved it 309

By Bden - 21/03/2009 20:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, was my first serious photoshoot as a male model for a high-end clothing line. It was a nude photoshoot, with kind of an Adam and Eve theme. After the first couple of pictures with the extremly sexy female model, I got a boner. There were still 100 shots left to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 658

You deserved it 22 350

By the girl next door - 07/05/2013 05:10 - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and I accidentally dropped my new tampon on the ground. Just as I was about to reach for it, I heard a voice on the other side of the stall say, "Oh great, I needed that" and then a hand reached under my stall and grabbed it. It was my last one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 731

You deserved it 5 058

Adapt, improvise, overcome

By Arthur B. - 24/09/2019 12:01

Today, I saw a spider in my kitchen. Freaked, but trying to be humane, I held out a piece of paper so it would climb on, and I would then put it outside. However, it jumped out of nowhere and landed on my face. My reaction was to whack at where the spider was - my face. I stumbled around, disoriented; the spider got away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 299

You deserved it 422

By geli - 09/08/2016 00:12

Today, while at the public swimming pool, I gave my 2-year-old daughter a piggy back ride in the pool. We were having fun until I realized she had untied my swim top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 706

You deserved it 1 413

By anonymous - 05/03/2014 05:43 - United States - League City

Today, my mom came into my room, yelling at me about a pregnancy test that she found in my bathroom. My mom wouldn't believe me when I said it wasn't mine. Turns out my sister bought the test, threw it under my bathroom cabinet, and now she won't admit to the prank. She thinks this is hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 279

You deserved it 3 628

By figgy - 29/11/2010 10:46 - United States

Today, I was working in a deli when I cut more meat than I intended; I basically removed my fingerprint via the deli slicer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 206

You deserved it 6 076

By Zero_TAlent_ - 29/03/2016 20:27 - United States - Gettysburg

Today, the drummer from my band stole the $200 deposit for our rental practice space and used it for a trip down to Maryland with his girlfriend. A few hours ago, my brother and I found him passed out in his cousin's house, very hungover. His first words to us were, "Can I borrow 20 bucks?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 321

You deserved it 1 598

By ewww - 03/12/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, my husband stabbed me with his unusually long nasty toes nails in the leg while he slept. It took 3 stitches to fix it up, my husband and doctor laughed the entire time. He still refuses to cut them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 275

You deserved it 3 857

By Anonymous - 07/07/2009 05:46 - United States

Today, I found out that my father, who is divorced from my mother, has set up a lawsuit against her and that I am required to go to court and testify against her as a witness. I've tried to keep neutral for six years, and I'll go to jail if I don't show up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 459

You deserved it 3 299

By are you kidding me? - 10/03/2014 08:22 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I had to bail my brother out of jail because he started a fight with a guy who didn't like owls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 456

You deserved it 4 458

By observant - 15/05/2012 14:24 - United States

Today, my mom was giving me a long lecture about being aware of my surroundings, because you never know what's out there. While she was talking, I noticed a drug deal going down in the Walmart parking lot. She didn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 872

You deserved it 2 395

By Michelle - 09/01/2010 16:11 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling extremely nauseous. When I started to feel better, I felt like I needed to spit. I went into the bathroom and opened the toilet to see someone had taken a giant crap the night before and forgotten to flush. The smell made me vomit all over my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 606

You deserved it 3 423

Tunnel vision

By what. - 04/05/2020 17:00

Today, my boyfriend said that no, I'm not allowed to get glasses and then accused me of wanting to see other men. No, I just want to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 893

You deserved it 183

By Anonymous - 04/12/2010 06:50 - Singapore

Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 888

You deserved it 11 703

By Anonymous - 24/09/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, my mother found a hickey on my neck. Not believing that it was from the hungry 2-month-old child I was holding, she confronted my boyfriend about it. He promptly accused me of cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 806

You deserved it 2 650

By Anonymous - 27/03/2013 18:26 - Canada - Red Deer

Spicy

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 776

You deserved it 6 177

By secretsmakefriends - 15/10/2013 21:43 - United States - Vashon

Today, my grandmother called me in a fit of panic because her new neighbors are black. So is my fiancé, whom she is supposed to meet tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 685

You deserved it 5 155

By misoranomegami - 21/06/2014 02:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I was at work. She took a video of the kitten playing on my bed and climbing on my nightstand. Right on top of my vibrator I forgot to put away. I'm not sure if she noticed or not but she's certainly been showing the video around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 630

You deserved it 16 291

Strange flex, but OK

By Jpah - 24/06/2009 00:08 - United States

Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice. We were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes, she asked me, "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?" She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 827

You deserved it 3 896

By Anonymous - 30/01/2016 06:47 - United States - Upper Marlboro

Today, while crying at my grandma's funeral I was told to man up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 751

You deserved it 1 800

By meach - 06/08/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 747

You deserved it 4 165

By staceyymaee - 06/07/2016 17:47 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my new futon mattress arrived. Upon laying it out on the frame, I realized IKEA has whack bed sizings. When I went to return the mattress for a queen, they informed me a queen mattress wouldn't be here until sometime next week. I already threw out my old crappy mattress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 858

You deserved it 2 515

By Tygastyle - 23/06/2009 17:37 - United States

Today, at the bank, I went to get some coffee from their machine. I gave it my money and pressed the buttons but nothing was happening. After banging on the machine for ten minutes and calling a teller over, a little boy reached up on his tippy toes to press the giant green START button for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 494

You deserved it 63 146

Harsh

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 16:59

Today, while talking to the girl I have a crush on, I bragged how people tell me I have a voice for radio. She responded, "And the face for it too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 499

You deserved it 711

By kbartlett86 - 24/06/2010 20:02 - Canada

Today, after sitting for hours at my desk, my legs fell asleep. When I got up to go to the bathroom on my break, I couldn't walk properly and leaned against things so I wouldn't fall over. My supervisor then came over and started lecturing me about being drunk at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 384

You deserved it 4 598

By MissTrix - 29/10/2010 00:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend decided he hates my male best friend because they have "conflicting interests." My best friend's response? "What's his gamertag so I can shoot him in Halo?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 878

You deserved it 7 347

#worthit

By Michelle Jade - 05/09/2018 22:00

Today, I'm lying in a hospital bed with two broken leg bones, a reattached tendon, and four screws holding my leg together. Why? Because I wanted chocolate milk and some asshat didn't see me walking across the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 910

You deserved it 501

By Barry Wom - 28/11/2018 12:00

Today, my boss is out of the office and sent me an e-mail asking me to multiply two numbers together and send her the result. Apparently she doesn't know that her smartphone has a calculator app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 522

You deserved it 169

By crazydaughter - 12/04/2012 12:51 - Egypt

Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to blow-dry the sweat off her armpits instead of showering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 757

You deserved it 3 253

Where's the beef?

By Anonymous - 08/07/2021 14:03

Today, I was supposed to be let the bull out of the trailer and head straight home. Someone didn't latch the gate, so it just walked through between pastures. The bull and a cow went through, a horse broke into the cow lot, and another horse had a meltdown and wiped out in mud after trying to jump the fence. I don't like beef cattle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 637

You deserved it 128

Apologetic

By mpsteve137 - 30/06/2012 06:21 - United States - Acworth

Spicy

Today, I realized I say "sorry" more than anything else during sex with my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 833

You deserved it 9 749

By The_Life - 12/10/2016 13:26 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and things were getting heated when he got a call from one of his mates wanting to play Counter Strike. Next thing I know, I'm laying in bed by myself listening to him rage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 942

You deserved it 1 261

By kitkat545 - 15/06/2009 23:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 911

You deserved it 50 772

By protoplasm stole my seat - 26/01/2013 01:24 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, a pregnant woman got on the bus. There were no free seats, so I stood up to give her mine. An obese man pushed past her, waddled over, and oozed into my seat. I said it was for the pregnant lady. He called me a "sexist bitch" and claimed he needed it more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 418

You deserved it 2 797

By cjk004 - 15/02/2009 11:35 - United States

Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s Secret with my boyfriend next to me. I told my him in a seductive, playful tone “You can stay and watch if you give me a piece of your gum.” He said “No I only have three more” and left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 685

You deserved it 6 601

By Anonymous - 20/05/2013 20:36 - United States

Today, I walked in on my husband making out with his accountant, the same woman who comforted me when he cheated on me the year before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 862

You deserved it 19 563

By pirsquared - 28/01/2012 01:20 - United States

Today, I had to Google how to find the area of a circle. I'm working on my PhD in engineering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 835

You deserved it 36 562

By guh - 31/08/2016 15:54 - Malaysia - Subang Jaya

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 653

You deserved it 4 237

By jeremyr5678 - 18/07/2016 23:02

Today, I was at a really big party and everyone was showing off by flipping into the pool one by one. When it was my go, I attempted a back flip, cracked my head open on the side of the pool, and was rushed to hospital. Now everyone hates me cause the party was forced to shut down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 553

You deserved it 4 525

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:08

It's just appropriate when his parents aren't around. Anything goes then.

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:04

AWK-WAAAAAARD!!

Comments

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:04

AWK-WAAAAAARD!!

KingDingALing 9

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:51

That's not awkward... It's kinky ;). I sense an orgy coming on...

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Monday 1 November 2010 21:03

more like threesome.

KingDingALing 9

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Monday 1 November 2010 21:53

What about the parents? It would be the OP, OP's mom, OP's boyfriend, and the OP's boyfriend's parents. That's more then three. If it's more then three people, it's an orgy! ;}

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:08

It's just appropriate when his parents aren't around. Anything goes then.

stronghand0331 17

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:29

Oh of course! I do love the fact that she seems to be fine with the fact that her mom can't stop herself from oogling and coppin a feel when his parents aren't there.

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:41

"Mom, wait until his parents are gone then I'll let you have your way with him!"

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:53

I was thinking the same thing as 13!

bAndBanGerFTW 0

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Tuesday 2 November 2010 14:56

11, I'd oogle and cop feels of you. Your the hottest bitch on here.

stronghand0331 17

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Tuesday 2 November 2010 15:00

No thank you bAndBanGer. I think I'll pass on that tempting offer. Oh! And it's you're*

perdix 29

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:09

Proper etiquette calls for her to hit on your boyfriend's dad. She shouldn't be horning in on your action, but rather on his mom's action. This is straight from Emily Post, trust me.

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:24

such words of wisdom.

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Tuesday 2 November 2010 6:06

Perdix, I believe I have said "You excel yourself" before, on some other wisdom. This time you excel yourself beyond whatever that was. You really need to publish something. I'm sure you would be a hit.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 4:35

The first thing I want to see in my newspaper is "Perdix's Posts: The Genius of Smart Trolling." Start writing the damn article.

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:14

Cue the 100 MILF and cougar comments...

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:19

How was that? ¥

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Monday 1 November 2010 20:06

Ha, you forgot the 'Threesome !' comments ..

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:15

Your boyfriend is couger bait.

roaminginsomniac 0

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:17

Wow! Your mom is a real piece of work. Maybe you shouldn't bring men around her- period.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 4:36

lol period.

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:19

That's nastyyy, yo mamma got a problemmmm. And the problem is you! Lol

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:23

hahaha that's hilarious

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:33

wtf where are my comments? they were there and now they are gone.

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Monday 1 November 2010 19:48

On the bright side, you have leverage next time she's annoyed at you for something.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 9

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 640

You deserved it 143

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 729

You deserved it 91