By fmeplease - United Kingdom

Time to pretend

Today, I was cleaning out my bedside table when I came across some condoms I bought on my 18th birthday, to use the first time I had sex. They expired five years ago. I'm still waiting for my first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76090

You deserved it

12693

Favorite

Intimacy

Coherence dude, do you have it?

On yer bike

Added flavor

By datgurllllukno - United States

Food for thought

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42113

You deserved it

5938

Favorite

By GDubeau24 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, the package I've waited for months for finally arrived. It turned out it wasn't for me, but for my sister, who bought the same thing only 2 weeks ago. When I called, the company told me they received my payment, but that there were no more of the item in stock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45964

You deserved it

2845

Favorite

By pimpdaddyX - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, trying to be smooth, I slipped the girl I like a piece of paper with my phone number written on it. A while later, she slipped it back to me and left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12124

You deserved it

19855

Favorite

By ramis182 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was not yet wearing my bouncer uniform when a fight broke out at a club. I intervened, only to have the cops who showed up tase me because they thought I was part of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27449

You deserved it

4650

Favorite

By ninnang - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boss delivered some flowers and a sympathy card signed by everyone in the office to my cubicle. The card said, "Sorry your mom died". My mom isn't dead. I don't know where they got the idea from and no one believes me. They said that denial is part of grieving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48942

You deserved it

3492

Favorite

By USSEYL - United Kingdom

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50911

You deserved it

27352

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with the cliché of the diamond ring in a champagne glass. Apparently there was an off-duty police officer across the room watching me slip the ring into the glass. He thought I was slipping in a date-rape drug and tackled me down before I could propose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54990

You deserved it

4349

Favorite

By HHIChica - United States

Today, while my 18 pound cat was on the edge of the tub watching me shower, he fell in. Apparently, in his mind, the best way to get away from the water is to climb my bare legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40336

You deserved it

5805

Favorite

By Fat Dad - United States

Today, I drove my two kids to their friends' houses. In my convertible, looking what I though was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with cute 20 year old girls in front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, "Keep driving dad, you're fat and mom left you for a reason." FML

I agree, your life sucks

56557

You deserved it

43650

Favorite

By mortified - Canada

Today, at work, I was caught picking my nose, on camera, in an elevator. The security guard stopped me on my way out of the building to tell me how funny it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10565

You deserved it

30848

Favorite

By Rejected - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I told my wife that she gets 100% of me and I keep nothing from her. She told me she doesn't want it and that I should get counseling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10602

You deserved it

1254

Favorite

By Mamasboyhater - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me because his mom told him to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46535

You deserved it

5583

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has a beautiful daughter. That's cool, except she's 1 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37331

You deserved it

2783

Favorite

By dinosaucer - United States

Today, I was accused of masturbating during work. I was actually just getting something out of my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34153

You deserved it

3528

Favorite

By Macdaddy - France

Today, I attended my first meeting with my bosses. For lunch we went to a restaurant. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn't breathe anymore. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers, and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25909

You deserved it

3436

Favorite

By Turbo

Today, as a truck driver, I was flipped off, cursed at, told to go to hell and several other obscenities because I was a half-hour EARLY to my delivery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1832

You deserved it

141

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today I went in for an STD test. The Q-tip broke off in my urethra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5351

You deserved it

405

Favorite

By kindergarten teacher - United States - Hanford

Today, I was feeling sick and fainted while teaching my kindergarten class. I came to when one boy poured a cup of water on my face. Three kids were crying into my walkie talkie telling the office I was dead, and the rest of the class had disappeared. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49335

You deserved it

3660

Favorite

By name50 - United States

Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15587

You deserved it

73859

Favorite

By Scarlett_Pixie - Australia - Toowoomba

Today, my partner convinced both of our little brothers that we are naming our son Obi-Wan. They now won't stop rubbing my belly and quoting Star Wars. This is going to be one long Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7437

You deserved it

1036

Favorite

By thatchick3333 - United States

Today, I got burned, all because the toaster scared me while I was holding a pot of boiling water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24410

You deserved it

6895

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I introduced myself, Pete, to my new coworkers at a shipyard. An hour into my shift, everyone started calling me re-Pete because I have a bit of a stutter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4701

You deserved it

295

Favorite

By parentof5 - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37563

You deserved it

24743

Favorite

By ouch - Mexico

Today, I learned that my brakes don't work anymore on my bike. When did I learn this? While speeding down a really steep hill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29316

You deserved it

5355

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got let go from my job, because my personal cell phone doesn't always have signal, so I missed an important call from work. My contract specifically said I'd get a work phone, which never happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22177

You deserved it

1555

Favorite

By Distressed - United States

Today, I received a packet of papers in the mail by the state suing me for child support. I am 22 and still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66531

You deserved it

3528

Favorite

By FuckingDone - United States - Enterprise

Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14011

You deserved it

1083

Favorite

By feelsterrible - United States - Duluth

Today, I was at the mall, when a guy started screaming at his buddy for sleeping with his sister. It was pretty hilarious, so when he stormed off, I mockingly yelled, "Pussy!" He then whirled around and beat the absolute hell out of his friend. Now I feel like I'm going to reincarnate as a turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8301

You deserved it

54290

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Canberra

Today, after the topic of grandkids came up yet again, my fiancé confessed that we've been having trouble conceiving. Later, I overheard his mum telling him to take my engagement ring back to the store and get a refund, because apparently I'm not worth marrying if I can't give him kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25545

You deserved it

1608

Favorite

By FarmerGirl - Canada - Brossard

Today, my crush and I were volunteering at a local farm. He confessed to me that I'm one of the most beautiful girls he's ever seen. Just as he leaned in to kiss me, I lost my footing and fell into a pile of horse shit. He just stood there, pointing and laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32029

You deserved it

3667

Favorite

By Ashleigh - United States

Today, I was on a three hour flight to Los Angeles for a corporate meeting. The woman next to me instantly fell asleep and snored louder than a freight train, while the kid behind me made a hobby of thashing my seat from behind. When I peered over and asked him to stop, he spat in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37637

You deserved it

3469

Favorite

By mcds2 - United States

Today, an attractive guy came up to me and told me that I looked sexy in a picture online. He then asked himself why he had never asked me out before. Apparently, he doesn't remember our 6-month relationship, or how it ended when he slept with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48683

You deserved it

3493

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, at the ripe old age of 23, I now no longer have no control over my farts when I cough. My many young students find this hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1488

You deserved it

152

Favorite

By Misc. - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were just about to have sex and I was so excited to do it just like the movies. He carried me up and just as he was about to lay me on the bed he sneezed, dropping me at the same time. I hit my head. Now I have 12 stitches where my eyebrow used to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks

85822

You deserved it

8149

Favorite

By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32065

You deserved it

2783

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that I could see my own mustache out of my peripheral vision while I was eating. I'm a 23 year old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27261

You deserved it

14606

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14702

You deserved it

53334

Favorite

By AkaiKitsune

The Trifecta

Today, after blacking out from fever, I found out that the reason I've been feeling so sick is that I've somehow come down with pneumonia, strep, and the common cold all at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4034

You deserved it

252

Favorite

By justonce - United States - Williamstown

Today, the boy who loved me and left me literally became the poster boy for my college. His picture is on the home page of the college website and on a banner in the cafeteria where I eat every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45196

You deserved it

3504

Favorite

By shenmas

Today, while I was out walking with my girlfriend, I got beaten up and called an "abuser" by a gang of women who noticed bruises on my girlfriend's arms and legs. The bruises are from her karate class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4230

You deserved it

249

Favorite

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Top comments

By imajinethat | 0

#249657 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:14

Well, the good news is, you just got fucked by life. :) Congrats.

By Animati0n | 0

#249649 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:13

So? It's not a bad thing.

COMMENTS

By kaylahlee | 0

#249641 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:12

aww. i feel so bad for you :(

penguaro | 0

#1826065 - Saturday 11 December 2010 3:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

hannahtaskey | 9

#2992446 - Friday 29 July 2011 9:37

why would you say that to someone? fuck off.

Fireashes250 | 16

#5627144 - Wednesday 14 August 2013 15:51

You won't even show your face #249. How do we know you aren't a desperate idiot trying to get attention and trying to make other people feel bad to make yourself feel better.