Today, I realized I bought 30 condoms last year. I now have 29.... - FML

By fuckit - United States

Today, I realized I bought 30 condoms last year. I now have 29. FML

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Proactive

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

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By hate enough to kill... - Netherlands - Stevensweert

Today, I witnessed my mother-in-law reach into my wife's purse and practically empty it out into her pocket. When I confronted her and called my wife into the room, both of them accused me of lying through my teeth, because I've always hated her. FML

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By adogg18 - United States

Today, I let my son drive us home. After just 10 feet, he crashed into a parked cop car. It was my squad car. FML

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By longest minute - United States - Cypress

Today, I was peeing in a public bathroom when a guy walked in and passed by 4 open urinals to use the one next to mine. After feeling his gaze for a second, I confronted him with my own, in hopes he would stop. Instead, I stared into a stranger's eyes until I finished peeing. FML

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By FML - Puerto Rico - Cayey

Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML

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By Ellie - United States - Mission

Today, I dreamt that I beat someone up for using Comic Sans in a project. Now I can't look at him without being irrationally angry. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received roughly 50 paper cuts while I was at work. I didn't realize this until after I applied hand sanitizer. FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Makati

Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML

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By wearashirt - United States

Today, I had to take a test that's required to pass the class. The test administor told us that those of us who were wearing hoodies would have to take them off. I would have taken mine off, but I was only wearing a bra underneath. There's no other days I can reschedule the test. FML

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By atang - United States

Today, I was leaving a clothing store when the security guard stopped me and demanded that I surrender the clothing I was "trying to steal" by hiding it under my shirt. It turns out, he was just looking at my pot belly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Draper

Today, at the store, I didn't hear the cashier when she asked if I had a loyalty card. She took one look at my naturally bitchy-looking face and muttered "It's my JOB to ask, jeez." FML

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By msj137 - United States

Today, I had a softball tournament which also landed on my birthday. My dad had to leave town for work, so he left me a card on my night stand. Instead of a happy birthday, all it said was 'Don't mess up the game for everyone'. FML

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By idiotwithaface - United States

Today, I recently graduated from highschool and I went to a college party. I met these girls and told them I graduated college already, to sound cool. I then heard one of them say "I went to middle school with you, and I was in your math class." FML

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By shallowvomit1013 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, i started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML

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By Phycheledic - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the daycare in my area. When this one kid was leaving, he asked his mom, "Why is she so ugly?" FML

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By Alyssa - United States - Spring Park

Today, my fiancé, my two-year-old, and my dog are all sleeping peacefully next to me in our new king-sized memory foam bed. It's 2:15 in the morning. Why am I not sleeping? Because they all snore, one right after the other. It's like an endless song of snoring. FML

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By hatesurf - Peru

Today, I was surfing. I saw a cop writing a ticket for my car, I swam as fast as I could to stop him, I got caught in a wave, and smashed onto the rocks. I ended up with a huge bleeding scratch on my back, a broken surfboard, and a note saying that I had a flat tire. FML

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By gp28 - United States

Today, I woke up to hear my boyfriend drunkenly crashing around in the living room, after peeing in an ashtray because he thought it was a urinal. FML

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By royalscenery - Canada

Today, after discussing the side-effects of an insomnia aid, my doctor said that making a choice was naturally a difficult one, and that he would only prescribe it to me once I'd had "a good, long sleep on it". He then laughed out loud and called in the next patient. FML

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By Scarlett - Canada - Barrie

Today, while I was babysitting, the little girl wanted to show me a picture that her mom had just sent to the family iPad via iMessage. Trying to be helpful, I clicked iMessage, only to see pictures of her father's erect penis. She won't stop asking about the "hotdog" in the picture. FML

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By Hungry - 23/12/2019 01:00

I am hungry

Today, I thought my mother was coming into my room to give me lunch. She gave me cleaning supplies instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2020 01:13

Pencil in the ass time

Today, I was in art class in which we were drawing mythical creatures. I spent the entire hour and a half drawing a Minotaur, which turned out extremely well. It turned out so well that the teacher thought I had traced it, and told me to start over right before the bell rang. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a customer handed me the ankle-length hosiery she had just used to try on some shoes, and as I sat there feeling the warm dampness of them in the palm of my hand, she said "You should throw those away, I have a toe fungus." FML

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By fail - United States

Today, I found out yet another of my guy friends liked me. I posted that I just wanted a guy friend that had absolutely no romantic feelings for me. My crush volunteered. FML

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By Anonymous

In the zone

Today, I was flirting with a girl I like when she confessed she was into another guy. I then proceeded to wingman for that guy, telling her to take her shot with him before the chance went away. Effectively sticking myself into the friendzone. FML

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By Jason the flasher

Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had a great time and got blackout drunk. I woke up to videos from my girlfriend from last night. At some point I'd managed to take off my shorts and boxers and spent the rest of the party naked from the waist down. FML

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By batgirlrules881 - United States

Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been cheating. His reply? "Took you long enough to figure it out." FML

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By JustWantedToRelax - United States

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, desperate for work, I went into a shop and asked the owner if he had any spare jobs to fill. He looked me up and down and sneered "Yes, but not for people like... you." FML

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By OneGirlsLife

Today, someone tried to break into my car. They tried to do so by jamming a key into my lock, only for the key to break. I guess the key cut their hand, because I had the pleasure of finding the person's blood all over my passenger door. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2020 19:00 - United Kingdom

Parenting fail

Today, I left the living room for 3 minutes to make a coffee. When I went back, my 4-year old had found a permanent marker, God knows where, since I don't own a permanent marker. She'd then drawn on her face, the carpet, wall, sofa, both dogs and as an added bonus the TV screen. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Campbelltown

Today, my 4-year-old daughter figured out how to set a parental code lock on our television so we can't watch football because it scares her when we scream. She won't tell us no matter what we bribe her with. FML

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By thanks iphone - United States - Louisville

Today, I realized I wasn't getting notifications for my voicemail, so I decided to check it and found out that I had 3 job offerings that are no longer an option. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Amboy

Today, it was my last day at school before I graduate next week. Ten minutes into lunch break, I was brutally nailed in the neck by a football. Now, not only do I look like I was given a hickey by the Jolly Green Giant himself, I have to wear a neck brace at my graduation ceremony. FML

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By Chubsley - United States

Today, I realized that the beef jerky someone had left on the counter and that I'd been sneaking a few pieces of every morning had a cartoon dog holding two strips of beef jerky. I wondered why nobody else was eating it. It was beef jerky for dogs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that getting wasted before finals is not a good idea. I sat down in the test hall, reached into my bag for a pencil, and found instead three baby carrots and a spoon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with some friends, and I had to take a dump. After I was done, I realized there was no more toilet paper, so I asked my friends to get me some. They threw in duct tape, sandpaper, and saran wrap, and told me to make a decision. FML

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By Star - United States

Today, the guy that I'm in love with and plan to marry some day told me he would choose a million dollars over me. I got upset and told him I no longer want to be with him. In an excited voice he said, "Really? So are you serious I don't have to worry about this love stuff anymore?" FML

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By badsinger - New Zealand

Today, my fiancée told me she was having a bad day while we were lying in bed. Just as she was about to fall asleep I thought it would be sweet if I sang her a song that her Mom sang to her when she was a child. Instead, I was told to shut the fuck up and that I sucked. FML

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By criley - United States - Los Angeles

Today, an attractive guy approached me and struck up a conversation. He was friendly and sweet, and gave me his number. As I walked away, my first thought was that someone had played a cruel joke on me. I've had such awful relationships that I can't recognize when someone is actually being sincere. FML

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By Phoebe - Singapore

Today, my husband and I were in bed when the alarm on his phone went off. He then told me that he had to 'sound the horn' and went over to his laptop. Wondering what that meant, I peered over at his laptop. It turns out hunting for mice on Facebook is more important than procreating. FML

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Top comments

By alwaysalady | 0

#1654 - Thursday 12 February 2009 20:13

When I got married, my husband's best friend gave him a package of condoms at his bachelor party. little did we know he had carefully opened the box and stuck a tiny needle though all of them and then glued the box shut again. Nine months later....

By ipod_fml | 0

#2433638 - Saturday 30 April 2011 13:33

you should post this as FML...

COMMENTS

By alwaysalady | 0

#1654 - Thursday 12 February 2009 20:13

When I got married, my husband's best friend gave him a package of condoms at his bachelor party. little did we know he had carefully opened the box and stuck a tiny needle though all of them and then glued the box shut again. Nine months later....

Reply

ipod_fml | 0

#2433638 - Saturday 30 April 2011 13:33

you should post this as FML...

Reply

mikepzz | 27

#6204655 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 1:29

Wouldn't the condom rip?

By LyLa_fml | 0

#11781 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 1:39

Hey at least you got action...even if it was only once. Pat yourself on the back.

Reply

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6481645 - Thursday 10 December 2015 13:25

Don't feel too bad. I'm married too

By yuyo_fml | 0

#18010 - Friday 6 March 2009 14:28

hey i dont get why you people by condoms if their not gonna be used....

Reply

richarosky | 0

#1616340 - Thursday 28 October 2010 15:56

cool photo

Reply

Marifer98 | 7

#4536305 - Thursday 7 June 2012 16:02

It's better to be safe than sorry.

Reply

potatomus62 | 19

#6508698 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 21:38

Did you mean buy????

By girlnextdoor_678 | 0

#41863 - Thursday 19 March 2009 3:26

OH! hahaa, i was like why are people saying at least you got laid and stuff.
i took your post as "i bought 30 and now im down one, where did that one go?!"

By BillFantastik | 0

#68976 - Monday 30 March 2009 4:02

you should've gotten them for free at a college student center or in the hospital

By KristelDreams | 0

#146921 - Monday 27 April 2009 5:33

LOL @ #3

By lilcuti3pi389 | 0

#179176 - Friday 8 May 2009 9:15

lmao

By ninjatothemax | 0

#253363 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 7:19

Get more pussy bro

By emtalex | 0

#254689 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 17:05

Stop having unprotected sex then.

By albinorhino | 0

#258861 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 5:30

Wow u need to get out more