By willstaysingle - 29/04/2014 14:18
willstaysingle tells us more.
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Nobody is forced to accept a proposal, no matter how well it was planned and how much effort was put into it. Some people don't want to get married or simply don't feel ready for it yet. Proposing in public makes it worse - there are people standing around waiting for an answer that you're forced to give immediately, instead of calmly talking about it. Additionally, rejecting someone's proposal will put a serious strain on ANY relationship, and it's really hard to figure out how to continue with such different expectations. I'm not exactly saying OP deserved it, it's a shitty situation, but the hate his girlfriend is getting is undeserved. You're always allowed to say no.
Her reaction (and thus, the breakup) to the proposal was public because he chose to propose publicly. I strongly dislike elaborate public proposals because of the exact same reaction a lot of people here on FML are having. Unless you've discussed the topic of marriage at length and are a hundred percent sure of your partner's reaction, it's basically emotional blackmail - everyone's watching and you've put a lot of effort into it, so if they dare to say no, your partner's a horrible person who's going to face a lot of hate from everyone who ever finds out about it. OP's girlfriend could be the kindest, sweetest person you know, but because he put her into a situation where she had no option but to give him an answer in front of an audience, everyone here is calling her a bitch.
They've been together for three years, the topic of marriage has probably come up, but then if you're 100% sure that your partner wants to get married, it kind of ruins the point of the proposal. But all of that is besides the point, if ops ex girlfriend was kind she wouldn't have broken up with him after the proposal, it's fine if she wasn't ready for marriage , but ending the relationship in front of everyone, especially after she saw all the effort OP did for the proposal, is not a "kind" thing to do. Plenty of people can survive a rejected proposal, some can't, but usually if you're in a relationship, you can tell if a person wants to get married and who doesn't and you talk about it or you break up before a proposal is offered.
#73. I don't disagree one bit with your comment but would it have killed her to reject the proposal with the audience and save the breakup for a private time later?That is a lot for someone to take. Yes, he is the one who made it public but they dated 3 years and I would bet he really though she would say yes.
What if her reply was along the lines of "No, I'm sorry, I can't (marry you). I don't think I can do this anymore" *leaves*.... if she was stunned, upset at the public proposal, not sure what she wanted. We don't know the delivery of her reply. If it was "No, and I'm leaving you." Then, yeah she's a bitch and he deserves better. But the first one? Surely that's an acceptable answer. Not what he wanted, but acceptable. OP is seeing this from his side, not hers, and is hurt and angry. Maybe speaking to her in private could resolve the issue and they can move forward. It really, really sucks that she turned him down. And if it was the second reply she is a bitch. But the first? That's kind of his fault for the public proposal.
Well... OP was the one to propose in a public setting, wasn't he? Pulling him aside to talk about it would have changed very little. As soon as you don't immediately start to cry and say yes, everybody knows the proposal went wrong. If they didn't discuss the issue of marriage and their opinions on it before, it's possible she didn't know it was something he eventually expected of their relationship. It's a legitimate issue to end a relationship over, and he kind of forced her hand by putting her into the spotlight.
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anyone who thinks "you deserved it" deserves to die
I voted YDI on this as I do on all marriage proposal FMLs because if OP had taken the time anywhere in all this planning to talk with his ex and find out her views on marriage and/or public proposals, he could've spared himself. Never propose, especially publicly, without being 100% certain you'll get a yes!
Be a bitch because she could? For fuck's sake, you're ALWAYS allowed to say no to a proposal. No matter what was discussed beforehand. If she doesn't want to marry him, whatever the reason, she is absolutely entitled to reject him. Talking about maybe, theoretically marrying a person someday is NOT the same as actually doing it. You're not forced to say yes because you might hurt the other person's feelings, or because they 'deserve' a yes for putting a lot of effort into it, and it doesn't make you a bad person or a 'bitch'. If you're not ready or entirely comfortable, say no.
I am the Original Poster. I'm only replying because so many of you requested a follow-up and so many of you are misconceptualizing the context. From the beginning I discussed my interest in a serious relationship and expressed my eventual wish to be with her. I did not explicitly say I wanted to marry her. In common logic, there is no need for that. It is to be expected. For the ones asking about age. I am 30 years old, she is 25 years old. That was clearly not the problem. I am not seeking attention in all of this. But I will let you people know I emigrated for this girl. I made entire reservations for the family members I wished to see. I sacrificed a lot for her. I adapted to her needs. Some of you people say just because there is effort, she doesn't need to accept. While I agree, at some point, when you realize how much sacrifice is made, you are bound to love. There is no love whatsoever without sacrifice. I told her from the beginning that I am not wasting my time. If you are not sure what to do with the rope I gave you, let go early before we get to high grounds, so you could spare me a killer downfall. To all the people who felt sympathetic and gave me a "chin-up". Thank you. A lesson learned that I will teach every single one of you here. Be selfish. I have filled my heart with hate. Love and cherish. Just do not sacrifice so much that you find your life so strained you realize that you wasted years of hard work, effort and emotion. Mind your mental health.