Miscellaneous: Today, I reached for my beer and took a huge swallow before I...

By blegh - Switzerland

Today, I reached for my beer and took a huge swallow before I realized that I had picked up my friend's tobacco spit cup. "Vomit" is not a strong enough word to describe what happened next. FML

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Miscellaneous

Oh, hai!

Scoville scale

Miscommunication

By Anonymous

Caddy Shack

Today, I've had people calling the golf course just to ask what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. I’m a golf professional, not the weather man. FML

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1328

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By sofuckingembarassing. - United States

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

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34117

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By Crys - Canada - Kingston

Today, I decided to finish up some Christmas shopping. Instead, I ended up having to buy a present for myself - a new alternator after my car died and left me stranded. FML

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2234

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By well, now what - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after he received a text with a bunch of hearts on it. After arguing, turns out it was from me. FML

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16143

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By izu - United States

Today, my mom decided to only speak to me through our pet cat. FML

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26121

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By Anonymous

Today, after feeling like I've been sucking as a friend and contacting a friend who has called me their best friend, but doesn't talk to me much, we grabbed a coffee. The whole time I was trying to have a conversation, she was on her phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1474

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By mentallyscarred - United States

Today, while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. I smiled back. He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. FML

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33992

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By Anonymous - United States - Parker

Today, I went to my first job interview in months. Just minutes in, a sudden huge, uncontrollable sneeze overcame me. A wad of snot flew out onto my shirt, which I didn't even notice until the visibly disgusted interviewer pointed it out. FML

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42215

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By pubquizgenius - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a tense tiebreak round to win the local pub quiz. As the quizmaster read out more clues, I got the answer, got up and rushed to be the first team to the bar. I tripped, faceplanted. The whole bar laughed, and then I realized that it wasn't a "fastest to the bar" round. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8817

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By Anonymous

Today, I was playing card games with some colleagues a won a hand. One mate said jokingly "your mother never loved you!", I replied jokingly "at least your mother loved me"... All of a sudden he punched in the face and said, "don't ever disrespect my mother again". FML

I agree, your life sucks

3150

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By sadinthesack - United States

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. FML

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25766

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By MrsFart

RIP

Today, I thought I was all alone in the class, so I lifted up my leg and ripped a huge fart. One of my students was still in there. He told everybody. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2545

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By BambooLove - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up wheezing terribly, aching, and sneezing. He's allergic to cats. I have 2 and they are my babies. He gave me an ultimatum, him or the cats. I haven't figured out how I'm going to tell him that I choose the cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22971

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By embarrassed

Today, I auditioned for a part in a play. I've been practicing for months, and was very excited. After I finished singing, the director whispered something to the other judges, and they all laughed. Hard. So much for the lead role. FML

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25701

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By forever alone

Today, I was so desperate for someone to talk to I called various restaurants pretending to be interested in ordering food, just so I could have a conversation. I called eleven different places. FML

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1913

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By Anonymous - United States - Flower Mound

Today, I got a gift-wrapped package in the mail from my racist mother-in-law. She's always hated me, so I thought it was a bit strange. Inside was a squirt gun and a note telling me to take my "black ass" for a walk around a police station with it, followed with a smiley face. FML

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44560

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By amythest - United Kingdom

Today, even though she can barely deal with raising kids, my 19-year-old sister announced her fourth pregnancy, by a fourth man, of yet another race. Why? Because she wants to "be like Angelina Jolie." I fear that social services may laugh at me if I tell them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42676

You deserved it

3128

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By me - United States - Providence

Today, my girlfriend informed me that we aren't officially dating until she changes her relationship status. We've been "dating" for 3 months. FML

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22121

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1850

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By Fox - United States

Today, while driving extremely fast on a road in the middle of nowhere, I started to go down a hill. Noticing a police car at the bottom, I slammed my brakes and blew a tire in the process. It turns out the police car was an old cutout used to trick people. FML

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12326

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By Sierra Madre

Time for an intervention

Today, I got yelled at all day at work, only to come home and get yelled at by my husband. FML

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1621

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160

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By heart of cold - United States

Today, my roommate invited a couple of homeless gentlemen in to our house. After drinking all our beer, throwing up on our carpet, and repeatedly asking if we were planning on killing them, I asked them to leave. My roommate told them they're welcome back anytime. FML

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24021

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was thinking about how people say if you're gradually introduced to a smell or you're forced to deal with enough, you'll stop noticing it. And how untrue that is. Especially when your roommates sneak a dead rabbit under your bed. FML

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43315

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By Anonymous - United States - Spencer

Today, my 15-year-old birth daughter asked if I've ever had sex. FML

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57365

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML

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33181

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By babyeaternomnom - Canada - Brampton

Today, I caught my elderly neighbour skinny-dipping in my pool. FML

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27793

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2316

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By Stoodup

Today I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 min in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to the date he got invited for a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2225

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201

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By Anonymous

Parked, indefinitely

Today, my mom told me I wouldn't be able to take driver's education until at least my sixteenth birthday, because I'm, "Not ready to drive a car." Isn't that the whole point of driver's ed? FML

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1292

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348

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By melean - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML

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41560

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By Leah Truncale - 24/11/2020 13:58 - United States - Petaluma

But was he cute though?

Today, I met a boy on Snapchat. I sent him my picture and he said I was cute. We talked for a bit, and I said, "Okay" to something. Then he sent his picture, but my slow Wi-Fi made it look like I said okay to his picture, right after he'd called me cute. I tried to explain, but he said I was just trying to be nice. FML

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739

You deserved it

112

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By InsertPopcicle - United States

Today, I forgot I left my tampons in a grocery bag packed with food that I put into the fridge. I realized two hours later while frantically looking for a tampon. I'm still cold down there. FML

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44085

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By samsonity - 15/9/2020 17:02

It never rains, it pours

Today, I woke up knowing I'd done all my homework, so I'd have the day free. My dad calls me into his room to tell me that I have 3 outstanding exam papers to hand in this week. It was summer homework, set by my school's online learning website that I didn’t know it existed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1287

You deserved it

423

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 23:02

No more bukkake for you

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room for severe facial rashes. My boyfriend and I then found out I'm allergic to seminal fluid. FML

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1158

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164

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By Doggy... - Australia

Today, my neighbours watched and laughed as I chased my dog around the lawn, trying to rescue the only clean pair of underwear I had in my house. FML

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25656

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9856

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By Microtron - United States - Oxford

Today, a friend sent me a song. I didn't have time to listen to it all, so I listened to the first 30 seconds of it to get a feel for it. It was nice and uplifting, so I sent it to my mom. Turns out, after the first 30 seconds, the singer brightens his day by singing about his enormous penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27143

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13345

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By bsulyingb - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "our priorities aren't the same." Her priorities turned out to be getting into my coworker's pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45477

You deserved it

2971

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By 2classicNot2 - United States

Today, feeling social, I went to a bar. During a trip to the dimly lit restroom, I fixed my makeup, and carefully penciling my sparse eyebrows. After an evening of meeting new people, I went home. In my well-lighted restroom, I discovered that my eyebrow pencil was actually my bright red lip liner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20732

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, some wannabe molester actually used the "Do you know who my dad is?!" line on me as I threw him out of a club. Turns out his dad is my boss's brother. I'm now searching for a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26994

You deserved it

1965

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By Goatczar - United States - Orem

Today, my two managers, both over 30, were arguing over whether or not butter is a sauce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28749

You deserved it

2880

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By don't pray, PAY

Today, I attended a Buddhist prayer service for my religion and philosophy course. When the service was over, everyone stood up. Unfortunately, my legs and feet had fallen asleep so much that I lost balance and tackled a monk into the shrine. I'm expected to pay for injuries and damages. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5308

You deserved it

1226

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By Ugh

Today, I got a job offer and was asked to come in at 5am for training. I sat there for about 2 hours before giving up. I was at the wrong site. FML

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2164

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Top comments

By wordgirl | 0

#216534 - Thursday 21 May 2009 5:54

This is the second time in as many days that I've heard a story of someone drinking someone else's spit cup!! At least yours was tobacco...the other person's was green lung chunks and throat slime from having the flu. Would you people PLEASE start LOOKING before you drink???? I'm really going to throw up the next time I have to imagine something like this.

By inSayne | 7

#2368666 - Monday 18 April 2011 21:32

that chewing tobacco is a f***ing disgusting habit?

COMMENTS

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#209 - Thursday 5 February 2009 2:31

get some glasses mate

iLoveTeraaa | 0

#979906 - Thursday 15 April 2010 2:31

I almost did that

ronton | 4

#1294661 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 14:04

family guy...?

By JeanNe91 | 0

#15045 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 23:42

how bout "PUKED MY GUTS OUT"?

xlasernoobsx | 0

#4647965 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 5:05

Been there, done that. Except I didn't throw up.

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6615335 - Thursday 26 May 2016 14:58

How do you puke your guts out without actually throwing up #43?

By tokyooo123 | 0

#19799 - Saturday 7 March 2009 17:52

EWWW i just gagged

By summersong89 | 0

#20707 - Sunday 8 March 2009 3:45

i got nauseous just thinking about that... >o<;

By Hugeness | 0

#41899 - Thursday 19 March 2009 3:37

I've done that. Several times. I chew so it really didn't bother me.. I just get a bad stomach ache if I take a big swig. I can only imagine what it'd do to you though.

By Squantiago | 0

#55758 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 20:26

suuucks

By Pokerdance | 0

#67334 - Sunday 29 March 2009 17:52

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

By Boowah | 0

#69178 - Monday 30 March 2009 5:58

lol, what did we learn?

inSayne | 7

#2368666 - Monday 18 April 2011 21:32

that chewing tobacco is a f***ing disgusting habit?

By will90 | 5

#70679 - Monday 30 March 2009 23:49

that happened to a friend of mine during football practice. hilarious to watch.

By louken83 | 0

#96546 - Thursday 9 April 2009 19:49

My brother did this also.

Boomi | 38

#6687504 - Sunday 11 September 2016 8:55

Better him than you. People should really look first.