Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my husband decided to literally spice things up. He put a "small amount" of hot-sauce in our lubricant without telling me. He thought 1,000,000 Scoville units would make me cum. The only one who came was the paramedic. FML
Today, my husband asked if we could try food play during sex. I okayed it, thinking it would be the standard squirty cream or chocolate sauce. Let’s just say I was not expecting him to be eating crispy bacon and blue cheese sauce off my boobs. Good Lord, I married a weirdo. FML
Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML
Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML
Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML
Today, after months of lacking intimacy in our relationship, my girlfriend decided to spice things up by covering her naked body with whipped cream. Except, we didn't have any in the fridge, so instead I had to politely lick shaving cream off of her while fighting the urge to vomit. FML
Today, it's been one week since spicing things up with mine and my husband's sex life by involving whipped cream. We can now smell of out of date diary, no matter what soap products we use showering. FML
Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and fall on the bed with me while we were kissing. Our faces smashed together as we hit the bed, and my tongue is still bleeding on and off. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML
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Top comments
ChristianH39 30
Did he call you his little French fry?
Welshite 39
Don't forget the mustard!
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Comments (128)
TopHatNinja68 6
Keep an eye on him he mite be killing and I rapping ppl and u might be next
sickerthanyou 13
At least he isnt mexican and drench you in chili.
dachayke 16
Or salsa.
howdoilogin 9
'Scuse me miss, you talkin' smack about ketchup?
iammeorami 25
Are you jake the garden snake's wife
JBrownie123 24
Jakesnake3400??
phillysportsfan 13
Lol. That brings new meaning to, "Looking at a woman like she's a piece of meat."
Saige_xo 9
Just Why...
catcherman11 1
hey :)
buttcramp 21
hey at least he's trying something new! plus, the purpose of using food items in bed is the licking and he's still doing that. it should be up to the licker what they're licking..
MrMoofinMan 19
Wait.. don't you put the ketchup on the hotdog and not the buns?
hgore95 3
Beats vinegar