Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my husband decided to literally spice things up. He put a "small amount" of hot-sauce in our lubricant without telling me. He thought 1,000,000 Scoville units would make me cum. The only one who came was the paramedic. FML
Today, my husband asked if we could try food play during sex. I okayed it, thinking it would be the standard squirty cream or chocolate sauce. Let’s just say I was not expecting him to be eating crispy bacon and blue cheese sauce off my boobs. Good Lord, I married a weirdo. FML
Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML
Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML
Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML
Today, after months of lacking intimacy in our relationship, my girlfriend decided to spice things up by covering her naked body with whipped cream. Except, we didn't have any in the fridge, so instead I had to politely lick shaving cream off of her while fighting the urge to vomit. FML
Today, it's been one week since spicing things up with mine and my husband's sex life by involving whipped cream. We can now smell of out of date diary, no matter what soap products we use showering. FML
Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and fall on the bed with me while we were kissing. Our faces smashed together as we hit the bed, and my tongue is still bleeding on and off. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML
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Top comments
ChristianH39 30
Did he call you his little French fry?
Welshite 39
Don't forget the mustard!
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Comments (128)
stfudonnie 10
whatever works, it's not like you have to use ketchup. I love me some ketchup.
zachthesadcat 6
"Honey, I got the ketchup! Now time to get this hotdog in it's bun!"
dachayke 16
I'm never going to be able to eat another hot dog again.
OctoDope 15
Watch the how its made for hotdogs. Its truly awful and disgusting how they make them. And no, I'm no vegan of any kind or some PETA person but honestly just youtube it.
happle 21
Well now I'm glad I don't eat hotdogs.
TheTacoMan 24
But, they still taste good, and that's not all hot dogs, like if you get kosher hotdogs they aren't made like that
Chanti_fml 26
#109 Why are you trying to sell us kosher hotdogs? You should stay with the taco, man!
Rainhawk94 27
Wait for the next condiment: mayonnaise
ChelzTheWolfGirl 29
I here that's an instrument. Nothing like spiced up sex and music.
saidoh_fml 26
Don't forget the horseradish.
DanielleinDC 33
Except this mayo doesn't come in a jar. But hey, OP, as long as you don't have to lick it off, what do you care? I can see why you're a bit squicked out, but it washes off the same.
jamesr792 6
That comes at the end of the sex
Meld86 12
It can be spicy ketchup. That's sexy
olpally 32
Were fries involved as well? :) haha, I think your husband needs a better understanding of what sexy foods are. I suggest chocolate!
kmartFTW 12
All of the possibilities for role playing...
Enslaved 36
Hey, if it's a squeeze bottle, he can draw pictures on you. Get creative!
FracturedMinds 21
This would have been much funnier if he was gay. "I wish to eat your hotdog boy!" Hmm... maybe I should try that with my boyfriend.
kieralumina 30
I'm sorry but I just read your comment in commander Strax's voice. and now it is in my head forever
gmoneytatortot 11
That's different...
Enslaved 36
"I'm different, yeah I'm different Pull up to the scene with my ceiling missing" ** Yeah, it's different. I once had toothpaste drawn on me. Was fun until the cooling feeling turned to Wtf! I'm on fire!
FracturedMinds 21
That sounds incredibly uncomfortable.
Enslaved 36
Yeah it was. ): He tried to recreate the-- Jellyfish's "Bellybutton" album cover. It actually looked cool!
FracturedMinds 21
Yeah, that would look cool. Just be uncomfortable as hell. I'd like to be the one watching, not on the receiving end.
Cass_x 22
ahh who caaaares. he's the one that has to eat it off you, so why even bother?