Miscellaneous: Today, my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn't... - FML

By Flavorite - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn't because I have a date. He told me I didn't need to lie and to just say no next time. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

There's no helping some people

This Charming Man

By laxie - United States

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

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By Soundofaboner - United States

Today, while practicing a song in choir, I got a boner. Trying to cover it up, I tried sitting down. My choir teacher got mad and made me stand in front of the whole class. FML

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By dinosaur - United States

Today, my friend sent me a link about a nine year old kid who wrote an iPhone app that gets 2000 downloads per week. I am a 28 year old software developer and have been failing to write an iPhone app for months. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Saint-renan

Today, at the age of 57, my dad got a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be amusing to sneak into my room and jump me in my bed. Too bad that when she jumped, one of her knees landed on my crotch. I haven't been able to walk properly since this morning. FML

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By LLCK - United States - Owatonna

Today, a lady on the bus came up to me and asked if she could sit down. Thinking she meant the seat next to me, I said sure. She meant my lap. FML

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By not_dead_yet - United States

Today, it was my first big time art show. To celebrate I went out to lunch with some people who's work was also there. When we got back police were every where. Someone had broken and stolen all of the art. All except mine. Even burglars don't want my art. FML

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By PoorForever - Australia - Heritage Park

Today, after meticulously rereading my application, merging references, budgets, academic transcripts and itineraries for an amazing scholarship, I clicked submit, only to remember that the system was on Daylight Savings time, which we don't have in my state! I missed out on $2,500 by 3 minutes. FML

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By Jpah - United States

Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice, we were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes she asked me "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?". She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML

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By philderichmond - United States

Today, I met a cute girl at a dance club. I entered her number in my phone just before she left the club. With a proud smile, I turned the screen towards my buddy, showing off my accomplishment. Attempting to give me a friendly pat he accidentally closed my phone. I hadn't saved the number. FML

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By Omi - United States

Today, I microwaved a cup of soup. While walking back to my desk to eat and do homework, I noticed a message that said, "WARNING: Hold cup by sides, as lid may not be secure." At that exact moment, the lid that I was holding fell off and the soup drenched my Nintendo DS, and printer. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, a kid came trick or treating to my house. When I told him Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, his reaction was to savagely kick me in the shin and run off screaming obscenities. This is the same kid who broke down in tears when I gave him candy on the real Halloween. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my son sprayed our white couch with Febreze. This would have been great, were the "Febreze" not actually black spray paint. FML

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By ilovekids? - United States - Commack

Today, while I was working at a supermarket, a kid started to cry in line because he couldn't get candy. Since we have free lollipops behind the desk, I gave him one. His mom complained to my manager and said I was grooming her child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my aunt's last words to me were, "Don't be an idiot". FML

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By freezingggg - Reserved

Today, like always, my parents are such tightwads that they refused to turn the heating system on, despite the ball-freezing temperatures. I was so cold, I had to resort to warming my hands up over the toaster. FML

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By daisyann - United States

Today, I got pulled over for the first time. When the officer came up to my window, I immediately burst out into tears due to nervousness. He kept asking me for my licence and registration. Hysterical, I wasn't able to comply. He arrested me for not cooperating. FML

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By KilledTheMoment - United States - Mundelein

Today, I spent nearly an hour helping a customer pick out an engagement ring. I rang him up, picked out a super cute box for the ring, and wished him luck. Later I realized I never put the ring inside the box. FML

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By what the fuck - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get intimate for the first time. He said he didn't want to use a condom, and that I should just give him one of my birth control pills instead, "so we can still be just as safe". What the hell? FML

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By lifeguardfuckup - United States

Today, while lifeguarding, I received six prank phone calls on the official pool phone. When it rang again, I picked it up, told them to go fuck themselves, hung up, and then left the phone off the hook. A second later, my cellphone rang. It was my boss, telling me to get a sense of humor. FML

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By fuckmyhair

Stuck

Today, my brother thought it’d be a hilarious prank to put Super Glue in my hair extension glue. I didn’t notice until after the first couple rows. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend, with whom I'm still madly in love, called me and begged me to come back to him. In shock, I asked, "Is this some kind of joke?" He giggled, said yes, and then promptly hung up. FML

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By CantWin - United States - Provo

Today, after finally applying myself and busting my butt all semester, I found out the school is accusing me of cheating because they couldn't believe I could have gotten near-perfect grades considering my grade history. If this is how society rewards academic turnarounds, why do I even bother? FML

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By Miki13 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I had dinner with my grandparents. At the table, my grandfather openly complained about how hard it is for him to get out of their hot tub. Not because of his prosthetic leg, but because his balls somehow "get stuck". I really didn't need to know that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pensacola

Today, I got dragged into playing doubles tennis. It was me and my wife against her parents. I wound up hitting the ball too hard. My mother-in-law, who has the reaction times of a comatose turtle, got nailed. Everyone's convinced I did it on purpose because of our mutual hatred of each other. FML

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By Stoodup

Today I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 min in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to the date he got invited for a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML

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By Quackers - United States - Denver

Today, while running in the park, I noticed some ducks in a pond. I stopped to look at them and began quacking at them, to see if they would react. This would have been OK had I not been wearing ear-buds, blasting music, making me unable to realize just how loud I was quacking. With people all around. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was lost in a foreign city so I asked a girl for directions. She replied, "Directions? ONE DIRECTION!" and started screaming in my face and jumping around. FML

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By Daddy - United States - Hialeah

Today, I discovered an effective form of body hair removal. I discovered that my three-year-old daughter is strong enough to pull off a major clump of my leg hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend clearly stated that I was "useless" when on my period. FML

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By joey

Zapped

Today, my mom decided to try her new taser on me while I was asleep on the couch. FML

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By crazycora - Belgium

Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML

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By Fairy31 - United States

Today, the boy I tutor failed his math test. As a result, the family fired me. The boy failed because he forgot to write his name at the top. FML

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By cantgetup - Canada

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

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By nosleeptilpissoff - United States

Today, I have a cat with separation anxiety. By this, I mean whenever I go in another room and shut the door with her outside, she uses her head as a battering ram to try and break down the door. It's fun trying to sleep too. FML

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By cynical - 5/10/2020 05:01 - Canada - Toronto

Alexa, play "I'm a Realist" by The Cribs

Today, I was reading a romance story about a couple that fights, but gets back together and works out their issues. I was rooting for the breakup because I've become so cynical, I think forgiveness is weak and trust is for suckers. Yup, I'm now heartless. FML

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By virgo - France

Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make me feel better. FML

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By Sleep. - United States - Imperial

Today, I finally got time to take a nap. Later, my mom asked me if I was depressed because I didn't leave my room for 3 hours. She talked to my dad about it, and now my family thinks I'm depressed because I slept for 3 hours. FML

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By PanFace - Australia

Today, I had an argument with my wife. I told her to get back in the kitchen. How does she respond? By doing what I told her to do, and returning to hit me with a frying pan. FML

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By roundemup - United States

Today, I was helping some neighbors corral and tag their cattle. Deciding to take a break, I turned my back to all 3 men and jumped down from an old, rusty gate. Luckily, the sharp piece of metal sticking out of it barely missed my skin. Instead it tore off the ass of both my pants and undies. FML

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Top comments

By olypicgold | 0

#1126 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 23:36

but were you lieing?

By UGADAWG34 | 0

#8572 - Friday 27 February 2009 12:46

You could have said anything, and he would have still said, you don't need to lie. Don't take it personally, unless you should.

COMMENTS

By olypicgold | 0

#1126 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 23:36

but were you lieing?

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#803912 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:07

yes

By UGADAWG34 | 0

#8572 - Friday 27 February 2009 12:46

You could have said anything, and he would have still said, you don't need to lie. Don't take it personally, unless you should.

By yaktazuki | 0

#340771 - Friday 26 June 2009 0:49

LMFAO

By woahhashleyhazel | 0

#365759 - Saturday 4 July 2009 2:46

your boss is a dick

By Shyman4ever | 0

#369080 - Sunday 5 July 2009 3:16

Wow that's a cool boss. I wish all bosses accepted no for an answer

By Romaine_fml | 0

#529066 - Monday 31 August 2009 12:05

Well, did you actually have a date?

By 88sforlife | 0

#966561 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 4:12

Yes

By mshoes12346 | 3

#1318900 - Sunday 29 August 2010 22:25

whats his reason to assume damn... people these days

By GRgoldfish | 19

#5516514 - Saturday 1 June 2013 17:16

thats funny shit right there!

By hryffff | 11

#5622337 - Sunday 11 August 2013 6:59

Bummer