Intimacy: Taste test - FML

Taste test

By Anonymous - 25/01/2014 12:28 - United States - Berkeley

Spicy

Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 534

You deserved it 6 579

Walk the line

Dementia or hate? You decide

Bye bye love

By snoozerlooser - 25/12/2010 00:00 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years tell his friend he was going to "pop the question". Ecstatic, I wore my nicest dress and got my hair done for dinner. Near the end, he leant in romantically and asked if we could start doing anal. So much for marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 346

You deserved it 7 750

By Anonymous - 20/10/2015 13:39 - United Kingdom

Today, two women came into my place of work, complaining loudly that they couldn't afford a £3 course fee because they didn't have any money to spend on themselves. They were holding large Starbucks coffees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 379

You deserved it 1 453

By stupidcunt - 14/04/2014 23:43 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I was looking at the map on my phone whilst walking down a street. I heard the sound of a bike behind me so I moved to let the cyclist past. He snatched the phone out of my hand and sped off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 450

You deserved it 5 327

Where there's a will…

By Anonymous - 09/02/2021 05:01

Today, as a final effort to get me to lose weight, my recently deceased father left me $25,000 on his will, which is only to be released to me once I weigh 150 pounds. No exceptions. I'm about to lose my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 992

You deserved it 442

By jsw029 - 26/02/2009 04:51 - United States

Spicy

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 831

You deserved it 20 826

By Anonymous - 13/04/2015 15:23 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my son invited me to his first standup comedy gig. I accepted, only to later suffer through an hour of the worst jokes I've heard in my entire life. It was so bad, he made Dane Cook look like a comic genius, and I had to resist heckling him. Hours later, I still feel vaguely suicidal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 861

You deserved it 6 011

By Grrrawrwtf - 03/06/2012 04:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to break up with me but it had to be after our cruise together because he doesn't want to lose out on money. Can't wait for the Bahamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 890

You deserved it 2 443

Knock next time

By my eyes!! - 27/05/2020 08:00

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my husband's elderly parents getting it on. It’s beautiful they still love each other, I just wish they hadn’t decided to express that love on our living room sofa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 829

You deserved it 321

Breakfast time!

By shit flavored eggs - 09/03/2021 00:30

Today, I decided to make an almighty breakfast of fried eggs and bacon. I couldn't find anything to flip the eggs with so I used a red spatula that my sister handed me. As I was finishing a delicious fry up, my mom came downstairs and asked me why the cat litter scoop was resting in the frying pan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 953

You deserved it 385

By anonymous - 20/04/2016 03:09 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I asked a short girl to prom by making a "You must be this tall to say no" sign. She grabbed a chair, stood on it, and then said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 858

You deserved it 30 209

By Wtf - 10/07/2013 05:24 - United States - Miamisburg

Today, I got a message from my brother on Facebook that read, "They're watching you." This wouldn't have been such a big deal if he hadn't been dead for two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 992

You deserved it 4 185

Don't feed the trolls

By pathetic - 23/04/2012 22:06 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, I was trolling in a chat room when someone said, quote, "He's just a no-life, unemployed loser still living in his mom's basement. Probably spends all day stroking his tiny dong and fantasizing about having a real girlfriend." I actually started crying because it was so accurate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 152

You deserved it 56 301

By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 22:00 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I got into a fistfight with a complete idiot wearing a panda outfit. My face now looks like a real panda's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 450

You deserved it 17 582

By claira - 08/10/2018 13:30

Today, my mom made me take a pregnancy test since I missed my last 4 periods. It came back positive and my mom grounded me. I’ve never had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 710

You deserved it 361

By evomadrid24 - 02/06/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and two others got to watch 130 guys take a piss, and then leave work two hours later than everyone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 111

You deserved it 2 781

By notpregnant - 17/01/2010 12:20 - Italy

Today, I woke up with a pillow under my t-shirt. Turns out my boyfriend wanted to 'see if I would look hot even when pregnant'. We've been dating for three weeks now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 184

You deserved it 5 198

Artistry

By confusing - 06/06/2014 19:00 - Zimbabwe

Today, my students turned in their male figure artwork. One absolute idiot had the smart idea of drawing me and the TA as some kind of gay lovers. I was torn between disgust at the explicitness, anger at the disrespect, and yet awe at how well-drawn it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 009

You deserved it 6 836

By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 07:23 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 813

You deserved it 3 211

By Anonymous - 05/03/2011 06:07 - Canada

Today, I was performing a show about pirates for a youth program. A child started crying because I wasn't a real pirate. A little girl took my defense: "He's a real pirate, his teeth are all yellow!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 537

You deserved it 11 351

By "people these days" - 19/07/2013 20:36 - United States - Fairfax

Today, a kid was ranting that "people these days are so rude" and that "things were much better in the '50s." Annoyed, I asked the delusional twat what was so great about the racial segregation, rampant sexism, homophobia, and all the rest back then. He responded by punching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 843

You deserved it 15 826

By broken finger - 18/07/2013 20:53 - United States

Today, while wiping my ass, the broken finger that has been set straight dipped into the toilet and touched a turd. This keeps happening since I broke it, and I'm sure it will again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 321

You deserved it 12 002

By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 15:17 - Ireland

Today, my trusty old car decided that it no longer needed its back passenger window-pane, and that in fact the window would look a lot better smashed to pieces by the roadside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 557

You deserved it 3 328

By Anonymous - 10/04/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, a stoned man tried to break into my house. Naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 228

You deserved it 4 509

By whyme_ss - 20/07/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I went on a rollercoaster for the first time. I sat in the back, which was a bad idea. When it ended everyone in front of me turned around and stared. When I asked my friend what was going on, she said I had been screaming the Lord's Prayer the whole time. I hadn't even noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 532

You deserved it 26 888

By claubea11 - 01/01/2014 05:17 - Puerto Rico - Ponce

Today, I decided to light a lantern and watch it fly with my girlfriend after midnight. The neighbor's tree caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 692

You deserved it 13 707

By kasai_x0x - 19/06/2010 16:27 - Canada

Today, I found out what cat food tastes like mixed with mayo, hot sauce, and between two perfectly toasted pieces of rye bread. My cat found out what tuna tastes like instead of her normal food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 455

You deserved it 36 033

By Anonymous - 25/08/2019 14:00 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, wearing nothing offensive, minding my own business, when a car drove past and threw something that hit me really hard in the back of my head. It was a Bible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 723

You deserved it 123

By Anonymous - 11/05/2017 20:00

Today, I had one of my biggest dance shows ever. After months of practice I had finally gotten the lead position. When I entered the stage and raised my arms my straps fell down and I flashed an audience of 5000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 544

You deserved it 420

Long time gone

By Anonymous - 06/08/2021 18:01

Today, I haven't heard from my girlfriend for over a week, after being in a relationship for 7 years with her. She'd called me, saying she had to care for her ex-husband because he had suffered a heart attack. Guess we're over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 857

You deserved it 119

By Chris - 03/04/2011 17:41 - United States

Today, I was awoken by my dad yelling into my ear. In shock, I jumped up off the couch, and came smashing down into the coffee table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 582

You deserved it 4 110

By magnolia - 14/07/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, I accidentally filled the lemonade machine with margarita mix that already had the tequila mixed in. It was served to three kids before anyone figured it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 373

You deserved it 42 550

By My Life Is Just PERFECT - 30/03/2013 15:29 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up for me. It was going pretty good, then he said he was going to go out to smoke. 10 minutes went by and he still hadn't come back. I called my friend and she said he doesn't smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 903

You deserved it 4 122

By Littlethings1 - 31/03/2016 17:07 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my hair got stuck in my umbrella. I asked for help from passers-by, but all I got was weird looks as they hurried past me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 128

You deserved it 1 882

Triage

By Anonymous - 16/12/2020 05:02 - Germany - Emden

Today, I realised that Gmail has been sending lots of important messages directly into the spam folder, where I never saw them. All were from people who I had either contacted myself, or had regular contact with in the past. One address even had a filter on it, specifying, "Never send it to spam." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 805

You deserved it 262

By riahta - 06/08/2010 06:45 - United States

Today, I was playing a math game with a 4th grade boy (I'm a college graduate). I cheated during the entire game, and still lost 7 of the 9 rounds we played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 026

You deserved it 46 409

By Embarrassed - 02/01/2013 17:33 - United States

Today, I was getting a spray tan and realized I didn't have a hair tie, so I used a thong instead. I lost track of time and realized I needed to go pick up my daughter. I threw on my clothes, drove to pick her up, went to the store, and went for ice cream... thong still in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 184

You deserved it 46 912

By emasculated 10000% - 04/05/2013 17:05 - Sweden - Ljungby

Today, I was out with my grandma when a pair of very shady guys approached us in the street, hands in their pockets. Without breaking stride, she pulled a knife out of her handbag and told them they'd better keep walking. They did. What the fuck, gran? FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 723

You deserved it 7 789

By Alice - 01/08/2009 08:15 - United States

Today, I was wearing a skirt, and running towards a closing elevator, making it just in time. As soon as I ran in, my pad fell out of my underwear and onto the floor. There were 6 other people in the elevator. I picked it up before I realized I had nowhere to put it, so I held it. For 18 floors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 361

You deserved it 10 825

Horndog

By Anonymous - 25/04/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, despite giving my sister a place to stay while she's in town for a funeral, she demanded I give a bedroom to her son to have to himself, because, "How am I supposed to have 'sexy time' with my husband with him in the room?" Everyone's sharing rooms, and no one's getting sexy time as someone literally died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 415

You deserved it 86

Thanks, I hate it

By MdT - 23/05/2009 11:51 - South Africa

Today, my family returned from a holiday in Egypt. A holiday that I really wanted to spend with them. As if leaving me behind wasn't bad enough, they then made me watch a 200-picture slideshow of how much fun they had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 786

You deserved it 3 683

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

ChristianH39 30

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:23

Did he call you his little French fry?

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:23

Don't forget the mustard!

Comments

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:22

That sucks

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:39

"I agree, your life sucks"

piedpiper303 29

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 17:27

hm, not like theres a button for that or anything..

bfsd42 20

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 17:40

36, your comment is way more annoying than 1's. Yes, there is a button for that, just like there is a button to express your disapproval of a comment.

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 17:59

But there's also a button to express your disapproval towards #36's comment about his disapproval towards #1's comment about how OP's life sucks because her husband smothered her with what is basically a tomato smoothie.

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 18:30

The heart wants what the heart wants

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 18:41

On the behalf of the entire FML team. we would like to thank you for that smart well thought out first comment. For those who can't tell that was sarcasm. OP I hope you enjoy that tomato smoothie mix and what not

Warm_Apple_Pie 21

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 22:17

No, he was sucking the ketchup off her body. :)

Send a private message

Sunday 26 January 2014 4:18

#45 there's also a button to express your disapproval at #36 expressing their disapproval at #1

Send a private message

Sunday 26 January 2014 4:19

#99 how ironic of me

ChevyRedneck85 13

Send a private message

Sunday 26 January 2014 5:52

"You can make anything taste better with ketchup"- Rodney Carrington

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:23

Eww lol

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 20:29

Maybe he thinks your legs look like hotdogs.

Send a private message

Sunday 26 January 2014 10:40

#74 Maybe you think it's cool to hijack someone else's comment. It's not. Even if the comment is pointless.

Clay_Pidgeon 11

Send a private message

Wednesday 29 January 2014 2:28

#111. maybe you think its cool to call out someone on threadjacking...

ChristianH39 30

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:23

Did he call you his little French fry?

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 17:18

Maybe fries on the side but I think he was just getting the bun ready for the hotdog.

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 18:17

her buns ready for his hot dog...O,O

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 19:05

Thank you for clearing that up, I had no idea what he meant.

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 19:19

oh!! haha it completely went over my head. I was half asleep when I read and wrote that.

Schizomaniac 24

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 19:24

Sure you were.

Send a private message

Sunday 26 January 2014 10:43

#64's picture is absolutely perfect for that comment.

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:23

Don't forget the mustard!

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:39

And the relish.

FracturedMinds 21

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:54

I like the little chopped unions more.

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 17:02

And the sauerkraut. Gotta love the sauerkraut.

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 18:18

I prefer mine seasoned

prettyinpink4884 9

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 20:29

And the mayo

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 20:49

I don't get why this thread is getting downvoted. Just like *snaps fingers* this comment.

abnormalbird 11

Send a private message

Sunday 26 January 2014 4:06

How about some mayo in the buns? (If you know what I mean ;) )

Send a private message

Sunday 26 January 2014 10:23

Hopefully there is no ketchup coming out of the other side #98

Send a private message

Sunday 26 January 2014 10:45

I'm still wondering how you chop a union. 22, care to explain?

\ 28

Sunday 26 January 2014 20:35

Walmart chops unions with no problem, #113.

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:24

Is he a vampire?

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:55

One nipple a-a-a. Two nipples a-a-a.

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 20:14

One orgasm. A-a-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

katt_is_here 24

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 22:11

I laughed at all of this hard enough that now I have to clean coffee off of my monitor. FML. LOL

Warm_Apple_Pie 21

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 22:19

You should totally post that.

illegalbeagle69 23

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 23:07

Three nipples. a-a- wait.. what the hell?

Send a private message

Sunday 26 January 2014 10:27

Harry Styles, #89

Send a private message

Sunday 26 January 2014 14:16

Total Recall?

how_about_no_ 19

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:26

Does he think you look like a hotdog, by any chance?

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 19:29

Taking the hotdogs or legs game to a whole new level

israelnotjacob 20

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:26

Well if he put it on your downtown region at least it's fitting.

ChristianH39 30

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:27

Oh god why

israelnotjacob 20

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:31

Period fetish I suppose.

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 20:41

Does ketchup go with tacos?

Baucis 10

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:26

Time to make some French fries.

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:28

Atleast he's trying, be glad he didn't give up O.P.

jgwyh 18

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 16:30

Your not the one that has to lick it off, if the man likes ketchup let him ketchup all over you

SuckMeBeautifu1 24

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 17:11

Dude, ketchup is the probably most unsexiest condiment you could put on your body. Looks terrible, smells terrible, feels terrible, and makes a big mess.

happle 21

Send a private message

Saturday 25 January 2014 17:28

Maybe, just maybe, he likes it. Just because it's "unsexy" to you, that doesn't mean other people find enjoyment from it.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 39

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 35

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 452

You deserved it 25