Snowball

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML

Today, I kissed my girlfriend. She threw up in my mouth. FML

Nice outing

Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

Practice makes perfect

Today, my girlfriend decided to try swallowing instead of spitting. Now this was entirely her own idea, I never asked her to try, and yet when she gagged, vomited, and sneezed so it all came dribbling out of her nose, somehow it was all my fault because I’m "disgusting." I love you too, Sweetie. FML

Stuff

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head. When I came, she was scared of the "stuff" that came out. FML

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

Timing

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML

Today, my girlfriend went down on me for the first time. Just as I was reaching climax, my brother raced into the bathroom right next to my door and began to vomit extremely loudly. FML