Property dispute

By Anonymous - 19/01/2014 22:59 - United States - Dallas

Today, I asked my girlfriend's dad for permission to take her hand in marriage. He said no, because he doesn't want her marrying a "sexist idiot who treats her like property", which he thinks asking permission amounts to, then told me to grow up. FML
I agree, your life sucks 54 527
You deserved it 11 780

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P_M95 8

If she truly loves you she shouldn't care what her parents think. As long as you are an honest nice guy.

hazardmuffin 21

Asking for his blessing would be respecting his view. Asking for permission makes it sound like his daughter's choice isn't really hers, which is where the "tradition" came from. Back when women really DIDN'T have that choice.

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Yes, respecting their views about something that is their daughter's decision only. That's the dad's point.

Asking permission is just a tradition. It's seen as respect to one's future wife's parents. In the end, if a woman doesn't want to marry a man, all she has to do is say no when he proposes.

hazardmuffin 21

Asking for his blessing would be respecting his view. Asking for permission makes it sound like his daughter's choice isn't really hers, which is where the "tradition" came from. Back when women really DIDN'T have that choice.

Yes but it still wasn't meant in that way. He obviously doesn't see her as property, it's just something that has become a custom as respect to ask permission. After all he was asking him for his permission to ask her, not to just have her. She would still have a choice, it isn't like he's just handing her over for a cow as payment or anything

michaelaranda 28

ask for his blessing, not permission. I mean, if he says no, its not like ur going to break off ur relationship. ur still gonna get married. and if you ask for his permission be prepared for him to say no. if he doesn't give you his blessing, its not like it really matters.

He was asking him because its considered polite. But honestly, by her dads own logic he doesn't need his permission so the "no" is invalid.

Maybe things are different here (UK), but it's really gone out of fashion here amongst people I know, because it has nothing to do with parents. If her dad thinks it's too reminiscent of property giving and sexist, your girlfriend likely does too, you'd surely know that if you knew her well enough to be marrying her.

Dang my dad would be offended if a guy didn't ask for my hand

hazardmuffin is correct, ask for a blessing, not for permission.

SkyGuy32 17

It doesn't matter because if the dad's complaint is that OP asked him then the dad will be fine with it if OP completely disregards what he says.

jazzy_123 20

100, you know it's funny because I thought my parents would be like that since they are traditional Hispanics. I'm not married yet but the same applies to when the guy wants to be your bf in my culture. Well at least for a lot of my friends, their boyfriends had to ask the dad for permission. Me on the other hand am far from being "traditional" and just told my parents, "I have bf and I like him a lot. So there..". . I guess if it was marriage though it WOULD be different. I don't know.

heyyyaubrey 9

just because her dad thinks like that, how does that mean his daughter will feel the exact same way? it doesnt.

michaelaranda 28

#100, aren't you a guy?

TawnyAnarchy 7

138, some people don't put their gender so it stays grey.

But if you asked for permission and he said no would OP then marry her anyway?

Right. And don't forget to ask about her dowry !

No, he's not delusional. Asking someone's dad isn't respectful - it is ignoring the most important person in the equation - THE PARTNER.

@207, you're misunderstanding. It isn't that he isn't going to ask his girlfriend if she wants to marry him. He would propose. He's just asking for permission, it's an old fashioned thing that most people are raised to feel obligated to do out of respect. It wasn't like he was asking her father to just give her to him and never ask her. He asked permission to ask her and to marry her. Like getting his blessing

I don't misunderstand. The only person you should ask is the partner. If you ARE going to ask anybody else, you should still ask the PARTNER first.

I think he means blessing, but instead used "permission."

P_M95 8

If she truly loves you she shouldn't care what her parents think. As long as you are an honest nice guy.

That advice meshes pretty well with the dad's point, actually. The charade of asking her father's "permission" is just that: a charade, an irrelevant throwback to a time when women were property and marriage was a financial/political alliance. Asking the parents' feelings, asking for their blessing... these things can be charming and respectful. Asking for permission isn't respectful to the father (especially when you intend to go through with proposing either way), it's just disrespectful to the intended bride.

Actually 49, asking permission from the father usually (slightly) involves the mother as well. If the father gives permission then you are less likely to get the in-laws from hell scenario. My brother asked permission from his now wife's father and now both our families get along, since neither side sees it as a wrongful occasion.

My daughter is my girl. She's only 4 now, but I've loved her, protected her, and been her hero her whole life. Some day when a man wants to take that position over, I would consider it a sign of great maturity for him to ask for my blessing.

Dad’s recommendation to grow up can be seen as an invitation to marry his daughter without his prior approval. OP should go ahead, grow up, propose to his girlfriend (if he didn’t already do that) and marry her. It would be a sad day if he gets discouraged by his future father in law.

If she didn't care what her parents thought, he wouldn't have asked her parent

Nothing is creepier than a guy who sees marriage as the act of one man taking over another's role in a woman's life. Brings whole new meaning to the phrase "Who's your Daddy now?"

See, you see your daughter as weak and in need of a man to protect her and watch over her. This isn't the 1950s. She will be a woman of her own will one day and she won't necessarily need a man in her life. And she can choose who she wants if that is what she wants - you have no bearing on that. She is not property, but a person.

No, I see a relationship as one person caring for another regardless of gender. Perhaps you don't understand this, which is unfortunate. If any man wants to see my daughter, he will ask for my blessing. Having the blessing of the father of the girl he claims to love SHOULD be important to him, if he really loves her.

I hope your daughter will grow up to be strong and independent and not need any hero or anyone to protect her but her own self. She might disagree with you on need your blessing to date a guy especially when shes 18+. I love my father to death, even more so since I dont really have my mom and he's still never had an opinion on who I could and couldn't date once i left the neest. He hassaid that he raised me to make good decisions so any guy I picked and loved was good enough for him (he gets along great with my s/o anyways)

just do it... #nike

Wrong website. For random and unrelated hashtags, may I suggest Twitter or Instagram ? Thanks.

xxBFMVAAMIWxx 18

#fuckoffwithyourhashtags

I must say, #3, all of your five comments suck. You'll get better in time... hopefully.

badmandilon 19

I think #3 only meant OP to just marry her, with or without permission. Just like the Nike slogan says: "Just do it"

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Nope. OP disrespected the dad by assuming his traditions were the same, or that OP's traditions should take precedent. Rookie mistake, and OP his got ass handed to him.

He didn't accuse OP of being a shitlord so there's no way he's involved in Tumblr-brand "Social Justice".

#50... I HOPE youre joking. OP asking the father for her hand is a sign of respect. -_- nothing wrong with him doing that. That isn't a rookie mistake at all.

except not really.

There is nothing respectful about asking a third party permission to enter a legal contract with a human being. The daughter is not a possession.

ChristianH39 30

It's seen as respecting her fathers opinion, not allowing him to sign his daughters life away. She would OBVIOUSLY still have the final say, but not to ask her dad is disrespectful imo

That was not the reason. Most likely he just did not like you, or he did not like you. After all, you would influence his doughter about the choice of the nursing home. That tells me that maybe you came across as a scrooge.

If he is a scrooge, why would he go out of his way to make sure her father would give them his blessings?

Maybe that was a bad idea

Your profile pic fits that comment perfectly.

Well there are many assholes out there

To be honest, I never understood why people ask for permission to marry. But sucks for you that he told you that. Also means you can just ask her to marry you. Guess it's not that bad.

That was the entire reason he said it. Asking a father for their daughter's hand in marriage was seen as a sort of property transaction, the father called OP out on it.

I think asking for permission is one of the most respectful gestures someone can make towards their boyfriend's/girlfriend's family. My boyfriend actually asked my father for permission to date me, and my dad still brings it up with a smile and an approving pat on the back.

I knew I would be thumbed down for that. I was just wondering why people ask for permission to marry, since it's not custom here, at least in my family. Thanks for a bit of insight.

perdix 29

You should have known her dad better that he thought quaint traditions are really terribly sexist. You're probably going to have to go halvsies on the wedding, bro!

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What's idiotic about respecting a grown woman's autonomy?

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You know what else has been "tradition"? Women not having the vote. I'm not saying what OP did was tantamount to denying women's suffrage, but "tradition" is not a reason in and of itself to keep a practice alive. Many terrible, unjust practices have been preserved much longer than they ought because of this weak, lazy reasoning.

If only we could go back to those good old days, eh?

vencku 13

119 - While I think asking for parents' blessing is fine, I hate your sexist logic. What the hell "he protected her since childhood, now her husband does"?! She's a fully grown woman. She can look after herself and doesn't need OP to be her bloody caretaker. It'll probably be the other way around.

@147 Thats not tradition, thats history. That was a LAW

the jimmies have been russled

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No, the dad is completely right (although I do think he way overreacted). Asking permission comes from the days when women WERE property, and it was the father's choice to say yes or no. I think it says a lot about our society that we still consider it normal and okay to ask a father's permission, even if it is only a formality. It shows that under the surface we still accept the idea of women not being real people and belonging to men, and that needs to change. It would be a lot more respectful to ask for BOTH parents' blessing than to ask the father's permission.

He's not buying her off off her father. People need to realize the word "permission" shouldn't be taken so literally. He most likely asked for his blessing and personally I think that's something that needs to happen when getting married, as a woman myself. Everybody thinks differently and people aren't going to agree on everything so I think we all just need to sit down

And no it doesn't show that society still undermines women, it's the polite thing to do. I would go to his parents because my parents love me just as his parents love him, it has nothing to do with sexism, you're making it out to be an issue

Nothing to do with sexism? I'm afraid it has only to do with sexism, and nothing else. Only patriarchal cultures, and subcultures, have this ritual.

oh god you're a perfect example of the 21th century human being keep going whiny idiot