Today, my roommate thought of a new idea for our household. According... - FML

By MrRadin - 4/12/2015 05:31 - France

Today, my roommate thought of a new idea for our household. According to him, we should take dumps at work as often as we can, that way, "we'll save on toilet paper at home." FML

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Family values

A beautiful truck decoration

Lockdown is driving us down

By Vehophobic - 21/9/2020 07:05 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Not a car person

Today, my grandfather called me for the first time since lockdown. Just like the last 3 times we spoke, he tried to pressure me into learning to drive, despite my making it clear that it absolutely terrifies me. He won't stop asking. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2014 09:05 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML

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By nottililgirl - 4/9/2009 03:24 - United States

Today, after taking a shower, I noticed a weird noise and asked my husband about it. "I think it's in the walls," I told him. After careful inspection, he simply turned off the electric razor I had just used to shave my legs and gave me 'that' look. I had beaten him in an IQ test not 24 hours prior. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 19:07 - Ireland - Dublin

Freak out

Today, some jackass spider decided to lay eggs behind my wall. No matter how many I kill, I always wake up to multiple baby spiders on my ceiling. FML

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By tailgaterhater - 17/8/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, a girl was tailgating me, even though I was going at speed limit. Annoyed, I drove 10 mph under the speed limit, and every time she honked, I went 5mph slower. Too bad she got the last laugh... I was pulled over for "reckless driving." FML

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By megaladon - 28/6/2010 08:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around. When he slipped his hand down my pants, he scratched my pubic hair and said "scruffy, scruffy, scruffy." FML

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By . - 27/2/2012 00:02 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my husband. We thought the house was empty so we didn't mind being loud. Apparently, my grandma thought it would be fun to give us a surprise visit. All I found was a note on the counter from her and the spare key saying "Next time, I'll call." FML

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By whasian - 21/9/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent me a birthday present. It was a necklace for me to wear at my wedding. The pendant is a well known lesbian symbol. I'm a woman and I'm marrying her son. FML

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By betterpianist - 29/11/2016 21:04 - United States

Today, the girl I've liked for over a year, broke up with me after just 2 weeks of dating, all because I'm a better pianist then her. I've been playing since I was 8. She's been playing for 6 months. FML

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By lon01t - 7/5/2012 20:43 - United Kingdom - Falkirk

Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2013 21:34 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML

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By skid - 2/6/2015 14:59 - United States - Champaign

Today, I took part in a bouquet toss. The "single ladies" consisted of myself and several girls under the age of ten. I'm 31. FML

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By Katelyn - 20/4/2012 17:58 - United States - Folsom

Today, I was pumping gas, when my daughter called me. After I hung up, I put my phone on the car roof while I grabbed my bag. I completely forgot about it and only realized when it shot off the roof as I braked at a traffic light. FML

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By chronic - 12/3/2017 02:00

Today, I'm on opioids due to severe pelvic pain. Taking them makes me constipated and increases my pain, which leads to taking more painkillers. I can choose to be in agony and the possibility of pooping, or be in slightly less pain and completely bunged up. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2010 01:47 - United States

Today, I was at volleyball tryouts when I accidentally spiked the ball into the fire alarm. The fire fighters did not look happy when they found out what had happened. So much for being on the team. FML

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By CROCKIN5150 - 14/3/2016 04:32 - United States

Today, while out for a jog, I noticed that you never know how fast you run until you're being followed by someone in a car you don't know, and they're continuously honking at you. I later found out it my dad in his new car. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2016 04:51 - United States - Burbank

Today, I was going to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. He couldn't get hard and pouted about it for nearly two hours. When I went to comfort him, he said "Man, I hope I'm not gay." FML

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By shattysituation - 31/12/2013 22:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML

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By elevator-troubles - 18/3/2009 07:59 - Australia

Today, I was in an elevator with my brother and a woman. He signs to me that she has a 'damn fine ass'. I chuckle and then shake my head. He shrugs. A second later the woman signs to us, 'Rick, don't you remember me?' Turns out she helped teach my brother sign language when he was six. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2019 06:00 - Australia - Carlton

Today, I found the remnants of a condom in my dog’s poo. FML

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By Mondo - 20/11/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, an old lady on the street told me that I should be wearing a bra because my nipples were visible under my white tee. I am a 37-year-old man. FML

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By Traffickills - 22/4/2016 00:30 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend, we were stuck behind a 7-car accident for 2 hours in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 06:00 - United States

Today, I went to the movies. After it was over I got up and noticed a designer purse sitting on the ground in the back row. I opened it to look for anything that could give me a address so I could return it. The owner came back, assumed I was robbing her, and punched me in the nose. FML

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By Tweety - 9/4/2011 11:40 - United States

Today, I found out via a Twitter post that my girlfriend is pregnant. FML

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By burgerpants - 8/5/2018 19:30 - United States - Stamford

Today, I was feeling down so I thought I'd order a burger to cheer myself up. The website I ordered from featured Instagram pics of their customers. My ex and the guy she cheated on me with were front and center. FML

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By Ohgreat - 17/10/2009 16:25 - United States

Today, I discovered I was at the same restaurant as my ex and his new girlfriend. Quickly, I picked up my mother's phone when she wasn't looking, and began to pretend to talk to a fake new boyfriend. Few seconds later, the waiter loudly asked me if I was done talking into the calculator. FML

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By amythest - 13/2/2012 00:18 - United Kingdom

Today, even though she can barely deal with raising kids, my 19-year-old sister announced her fourth pregnancy, by a fourth man, of yet another race. Why? Because she wants to "be like Angelina Jolie." I fear that social services may laugh at me if I tell them. FML

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By aces10 - 25/1/2009 13:52 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about my younger brother getting his girlfriend pregnant. She asked me how old I was when I first had sex. I'm a 21 year old virgin. FML

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By implantme - 11/5/2017 14:00

Give Me Novacaine

Today, I learnt that my tooth is cracking due to a crown that was put in this past October to prevent the previous crown from doing that. Cheers to an implant at 25 years old. FML

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By NeedTea - 21/12/2018 06:00 - United States

Today i stopped at Starbucks to get a tea before work and was surprised that there wasn't a line. As i was leaving the automatic door closed knocking my out of my hand. I headed back in only to discover a huge line had formed and they made me pay for the replacement that their door spilled. FML

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By notyoueallie - 20/8/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, I got woken up by Hallelujah blasting outside my apartment windows for 30 minutes straight. FML

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By sucker - 6/1/2011 03:55 - Canada

Today, my cheating ex-boyfriend was offered the job we both interviewed for. I helped him with his cover letter before I found out about the affair. I've been unemployed for almost two years. FML

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By helloitsbrian6969 - 24/5/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy groceries. I didn't care how I looked, so I wore an old shirt that said, "Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night." I ran into my girlfriend's parents at the store. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2012 08:52 - United States - Madison

Today, after finishing a song during karaoke, a man came up to me and held out his hand. Quite flattered, I shook it, said thanks and that I was glad he enjoyed it. Turns out he was next and just wanted the microphone. FML

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By rusrs - 30/3/2012 02:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that my mother now refuses to drink anything but bottled water because she actually believes that the government is putting a chemical in tap water that lowers pregnancy rates. She is trying for her 5th child. FML

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By magnolia - 14/7/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, I accidentally filled the lemonade machine with margarita mix that already had the tequila mixed in. It was served to three kids before anyone figured it out. FML

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By shake666 - 4/12/2015 17:50 - United States - Fremont

Today, I presented my assigned chapter for a book we're currently reading in my English class. I really like the book, so I've been reading ahead. When I summarized the chapter, I accidentally spoiled a major plot twist that was actually in the next chapter. FML

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By Sick - 28/1/2017 16:00

Today, I noticed a thick layer of mold growing inside the straw of my water bottle. I use that bottle every day. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I decided to dress up a little to go out to the bar. I put on a nice shirt, some leggings and heels. When I walked out the door my dad said that I looked like a whore. When I got to my boyfriends house I told him what my dad had said and he replied "I'd have to agree with him." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 02:52 - United States

Today, I parked my car on the street to go to the gym. When I came back my car was blocked by a parade of people. I turned to a shop worker smoking a cigarette and said "Jesus! What the hell is going on?" I got many strange looks. It was a Good Friday parade lead by a local church. FML

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Top comments

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7496407 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 7:21

Is your roommates name by any chance Scrooge MC Duck?

By shannon.elizabeth | 13

#7686013 - Saturday 1 September 2018 2:22

just steal tp from work

COMMENTS

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7496407 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 7:21

Is your roommates name by any chance Scrooge MC Duck?

By shannon.elizabeth | 13

#7686013 - Saturday 1 September 2018 2:22

just steal tp from work