Today, while shopping with my mother, she handed me a frozen turkey to put in the cart, but ended up swinging it into my nuts instead. I feel like a giant battered eggplant, and I think I'm now impotent. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my mother made me a delicious meal of gravy, stuffing, mashed and sweet potatoes, and cranberries. Overjoyed, I tried to give her a hug. Instead, I accidentally punched her in the face. FML
Today, my coworker warned me that if I made one more dad joke, she’d belt me with a frying pan. Alas, I did not believe her capable of such violence, which is why I now sit here with a bag of frozen peas pressed to the 3-inch lump on the back of my head. Plus she was sacked, so now I feel horribly guilty. FML
Today, I went grocery shopping. As I was leaning in to pick up some produce, someone viciously slapped me on the butt. I whirled around and nobody was anywhere in sight. Now I'm starting to worry that I'm losing my mind. FML
Today, after a stay at the hospital for two broken legs, I finally got home and attempted to relax. My dad went to hand me the remote and dropped it right on my nuts. FML
Today, I took a well-aimed TV remote to the testicles. My wife’s pregnancy cravings are really bad and I forgot to restock the cupboard with apricot jam and packets of sage and onion stuffing. FML
Today, while walking through the park, a little boy came running up to me and hit me in the nuts with a stick. I fell on the ground and looked up just in time to see his mom giving him the thumbs up with a smile on her face. FML
Today, I was making my bed and had an armload of pillows. One slipped and I tried to catch it between my arm and leg. I missed, sending my fist into my nuts. FML
Today, my mother threw an egg at my face with force because I returned home 5 minutes late to dinner. FML
Today, I sliced my finger on a frozen chicken cutlet. FML
Today, I fell down in the street when a speeding car chucked a hard-boiled egg at my butt. While I waited for the feeling in my legs to return, they came back and threw more. FML
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Top comments
JojoBrown520 0
giant battered eggplant? O.o
jennacide 0
Thats what you get for trying to do a womans job! jk :)
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Comments (124)
Schwarzenegger87 0
fdgdfgfd
Batman4890 0
So lemme get this straight; she handed you (she didn't throw it) a turkey and you couldn't even handle that? Thank god you can't have babies...
jebusandme 1
So clearly she handed you the turkey and you dropped it on your sack... and called it swinging... You're not impotent, you just have a pussy
88sforlife 0
Tell Her To Take It Herself And Get In The Kitchen
nhfromtheheart 0
....eggplant?
dusty209 0
r u fat? shaped like an eggplant?
MileyCyrusIsHot 5
eggplant????
Horned_Frog_82 0
I'm just curious.. Did you happen to ever be an eggplant? Because I don't even know what that feels like...
superbubbles 4
The produce number for eggplants where I live is 4081. :P
stephieadhd 8
Beautifully written OP