Today, I went grocery shopping. As I was leaning in to pick up...

By beleria - 23/4/2012 22:41 - United States

Today, I went grocery shopping. As I was leaning in to pick up some produce, someone viciously slapped me on the butt. I whirled around and nobody was anywhere in sight. Now I'm starting to worry that I'm losing my mind. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

Rock, hard place

Does it taste good?

By frozenpoo - 21/1/2015 02:05 - United States

Today, while trying to take a crap, I shut the bathroom door. A minute later, my 3 year old daughter knocked and said "Mommy, do you wanna build a snowman?" She kept singing the song until I was finally done. FML

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By AbsentMindedGal - 21/12/2013 09:07 - United States

Today, I stopped at the gas station to fill up my tank and get some snacks. I paid the cashier, then got back into my car, totally forgetting to pump the $50 worth of fuel I'd just prepaid for. Too bad I didn't realize until my car came to a sputtering stop about a mile down the road. FML

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By fuckbio - 12/12/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, after pulling an all-nighter for my Bio final at 8AM and drinking 6 sodas, 3 energy drinks, and coffee throughout the night, an hour into the exam, I had to go to the restroom, so I get permission and go. I'm 1 of 3 people. They later find a cheat sheet in the restroom. Now I'm a suspect. FML

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By Former Professor - 21/7/2019 22:00

Today, I happily went to an interview after job searching for months. I learned a large part of my job would be cleaning the toilets. Every. Single. Hour. I used to lecture at a university until budget cuts happened. FML

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1964

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By Jess - 30/5/2009 12:48 - United States

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2010 16:44 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my amazing boyfriend. As we were getting dressed, I realized I had lost my bra. After intense searching I finally found it and put it on. It wasn't mine. FML

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By Toothy. - 25/7/2009 04:21 - Australia

Today, I went to the dentist to have two cavities filled. I hate the dentist. After he'd started drilling, I heard a "clunk" noise followed by an "Oops." My dentist had cut my tooth in half. Now I have to go to surgery to have the tooth extracted. FML

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By mn051299 - 10/2/2016 09:09 - Switzerland - Richterswil

Today, I sat in my hotel room bathroom in dead silence for 30 minutes while I waited for the cleaning staff to stop watching TV and drinking beer from the minibar, so that I could finish using the toilet. FML

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By knoppad - 13/6/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I was in my backyard. When I wanted to come back in the house, I tried to open the sliding door. I knew that my brother locked me out so I banged on the door very hard, causing the glass to break. It turns out that the door wasn't locked. FML

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By Broderick - 26/3/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I was hiking, and four miles away from my car and civilization, I tripped over a rock into a cactus. I used duct tape, which ripped all the hair off my arms and legs but ignored the spikes. FML

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By shira512 - 10/8/2012 23:59 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, after much debate, my husband convinced me to let his scumbag brother babysit our seven-year-old son while we went out to a restaurant. When we got home, we found him teaching our son how to pick the lock to our liquor cabinet. My husband is unapologetic. FML

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By uofpalum - 19/3/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I stayed over at my grandparents' house. I woke up and had to brush my teeth. My grandma asked if I had found a toothbrush to use. I told her that I used my old purple toothbrush. She told me that was the toothbrush she used to brush her toenails. FML

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By and somehow you have a master's degree - 7/11/2017 01:30

Good excuse.

Today, my faculty mentor for my senior capstone project wasn't at my presentation for the entire department faculty. I assumed his wife or kids were sick, but that piece of shit told me himself that he was at home watching the new season of Stranger Things. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 07:16 - United States

Today, I was at my psychologist's. We were talking about creative outlets and I told him that I wanted to start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. He starts chuckling, and then says, "Oh, you were serious." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 02:00

Zing!

Today, I overheard my wife and teenage daughter arguing. My wife was complaining that our daughter is unappreciative. "You should thank me for giving you life," she said. My daughter snapped, "I thank God for that, not you." My wife sighed and said, "He didn't have to sleep with your father." FML

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By slickrick22 - 27/2/2012 02:43 - United States

Today, I had a dream about the damn cappuccino machine at work. FML

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By negativesoup - 10/11/2016 18:44

Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

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By Caitlin - 10/6/2010 00:46 - United States

Today, I had to drive 300 miles to a town where I thought I'd forgotten my purse the night before. When I got to the hotel I had been staying at, I found out it was actually in the trunk of my car. FML

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By 613tanner - 19/5/2011 05:30

Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time". He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2012 19:09 - United States - Littleton

Today, I went to a big family dinner. At one point, my cousin ran up to me, sobbing hysterically, holding his crotch, and making a huge scene. Turns out that while taking a piss, he "accidentally" swatted his willy with an electric bug zapper. I can't believe I'm related to this little shit. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2013 05:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was dragged to a Super Bowl party. While there, the host's kid threw 3 cups of apple sauce at my feet, which then exploded and covered my jeans. 10 minutes later, the host's wife announced that she was pregnant with twins. All I could come up with was, "You're making more!?" FML

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By Staples - 15/5/2010 06:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally stapled my finger to a piece of paper. It hurt, but I took it out and went to restaple it. I did it again. FML

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By Shone - 15/4/2012 23:39 - Canada - Grand Forks

Today, I had to get stitches on my foot and was then forced to wear a plastic bag on my foot while showering. The plastic bag made me slip in the shower and had to go back and get stitches in my forehead. FML

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By Imwalkinghere - 4/11/2016 01:26 - United States

Today, while I was walking to class, I was hit by a car. The driver stopped to let me cross in front of her, started moving again, hit me, and then yelled at me, saying it was my fault for walking in front of her. FML

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By a very mad sister - 11/12/2016 01:33 - United States - Pomona

Today, my older brother thought it would be hilarious to have over 200 people show up at my house to celebrate my wedding anniversary with my husband. Apparently, this was his "I'm sorry" present for missing my wedding last year. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2010 14:45 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech but I wasn't prepared. I decided to give it anyway. While giving the speech, I got so nervous I passed out. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 04:27 - Canada

Today, a crying kid was brought to my attention by a customer. He was so upset from losing his mom that he couldn't say his name or his moms name. I took him around the store asking him to point out his mom. Once we found her she told me "I was hiding from my kid to test his independence." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2009 14:36 - United States

Today, my brother had his hot friend over. I decided to make a move because he was staring at me and smiling all night. So I asked him which holiday was his favorite, Christmas or Easter while I batted my eyes and smiled. Thats when he said, "you have lettuce in your teeth." FML

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By NotALady - 15/12/2016 22:20

Today, I was at a gas station when I got a bad stomach ache. I clenched my cheeks together and rushed to the nearest bathroom. Twenty minutes and a clogged toilet later, I exited the one-person bathroom to a line of very angry women. I had run into the wrong restroom. One of them threw a tampon at me. FML

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By Completely Innocent - 5/3/2015 17:10 - United States

Today, a coworker told my manager that I and another girl were plotting to get her fired at the end of the month. She actually believed her. Now we're suspended without pay for two weeks for conspiracy. FML

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By salad - 28/4/2014 15:38 - United States - North Charleston

Today, I took my girlfriend out for lunch, and I asked her if I could have a bite of her meal. She took it to mean I was calling her fat, and stormed out. FML

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By aprouddaddy - 4/12/2014 23:46 - France - Paris

Today, I was a bit upset to learn that my 13 year-old daughter had a boyfriend. When she noticed, she assured me that I shouldn't worry, because "it's just for sex anyway". FML

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By Around - 23/5/2010 07:29 - United States

Today, after doing a graveyard shift at work, I took the bus home. I fell asleep on the way and woke up 25 miles away from my bus stop. I took another bus heading back and couldn't stay awake. I then woke up where I started from. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 03:42 - United States

Today, my annoying and disrespectful roommate discovered Pandora. She also discovered that she can play Christmas music on Pandora. Only 23 more days until Christmas. FML

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By ohsosad - 23/11/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy who is doing community service because he was caught peeping through windows. I was tempted to say yes. FML

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By bleachingmykidsbrains - 1/7/2015 23:38 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML

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By MissedTheBoat - 14/4/2013 07:28 - Canada - Calgary

Today, when I was talking to my younger brother, he suddenly said "Oh, I was supposed to tell you that there's this girl who has a huge crush on you!" I asked who and he answered, "I totally forgot her name, that was like 2 months ago." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 08:36 - United States

Today, I went on a date with my new boyfriend. When the check came, he asked, "Do you accept food stamps?" When the waiter said no, he checked in his wallet and said, "Well all I have is five dollars." I ended up picking up the $20 tab. FML

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By Mark - 20/3/2017 08:00 - United States - Sparks

Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML

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By anon - 1/7/2011 19:22 - United States

Today, I ran to my car and zoomed to work to avoid being late. I was in such a hurry, I forgot to close all my windows. When I got back to my car, I found a dead squirrel inside. FML

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Top comments

By Radix | 3

#4345809 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:26

It was me, sorry :)

By linkinpark98 | 23

#4345816 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:28

Maybe you're just considered really attractive by the ghost who owns the fruit section. ;)

Comments

By Radix | 3

#4345809 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:26

It was me, sorry :)

comedybreak | 20

#4346419 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:32

O.o hit and run? I'm trying this *me gusta face*

iiTsAJ | 5

#4346466 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:38

Maybe it was yourself o.O

Cad6 | 24

#4346478 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:39

Well, You didn't have to do it "viciously". That just makes it sound disturbing.

Priscilla43 | 2

#4346621 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:58

that sucks ass.

bitch_pleez | 10

#4346788 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 2:30

I think it slaps ass, actually

JayJaysGirl | 0

#4346863 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 2:47

Damn horny ninjas

xcarxcrashx | 9

#4346940 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 3:13

He liked your melons.

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4346972 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 3:23

I thought melons were considered boobs

Exodus9 | 10

#4347001 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 3:30

They are 95 is just dumb

SmoshFan6 | 0

#4347033 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 3:38

Watch out, those tomatoes are feisty.

bearnblue | 0

#4347056 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 3:43

It actually was me >;)

rdrr | 2

#4347123 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 4:17

Did you call T.A.P.S. ?

NoisyButters | 7

#4347145 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 4:25

Apparently it must taste pretty good.

williamh327 | 5

#4347290 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 5:04

Or it was...
Dementia!!!!
Dun dun dun!

idntwannaknow | 3

#4347302 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 5:12

One time I thought this kid was poking me, so I told him to stop multiple times...
Turns out my shirt tag was just in a weird position haha.

ajeppsen | 25

#4347471 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 6:31

We need this for first cooments. Lol hit n run.

mikeofthunder | 13

#4348050 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 9:15

107- she's not eating it, but licking it.. Like the woman who does reviews with, I think, IGN? Makes me want to play x-box more actually

m0hami01 | 2

#4348882 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 14:40

Little people are so sneaky.

NoisyButters | 7

#4349684 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 17:58

168 - I hope you know that not all girl gamers lick their controllers while playing games...only the ones who want attention.

ImDaBes | 6

#4350309 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 21:14

183 - Well its working

alitairi | 18

#6169201 - Sunday 11 January 2015 6:19

says the girl with a picture of a ds in her mouth...

By linkinpark98 | 23

#4345816 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:28

Maybe you're just considered really attractive by the ghost who owns the fruit section. ;)

X_Codes | 11

#4346841 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 2:40

Or a Jedi. You know, that whole "no emotional bonds" thing...

cheaptrix | 6

#4347114 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 4:14

Or the fruit ninjas

trollfaced | 2

#4347915 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 8:23

Or the ghost casper

Webslinger66 | 10

#4347938 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 8:30

Paranormal Activity.... Grocery store setting this time

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4345818 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:28

Take it as a compliment! Although lock your doors and windows when you get home...

obviousboy | 8

#4346530 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:46

Locked doors an windows do not stop ninjas.

zachherbert | 10

#4347090 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 3:59

Looking behind doesn't help either. Just remove your ass.

Sixers01 | 0

#4347412 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 6:09

I may be exagerating just a bit but, I swear you're one of the first ten in every single fucking recent FML.. I think it's time to get some sunshine buddy..

anzie_fml | 9

#4347678 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 7:29

141- if you took time to read all of their comments, or at least recognize that they've commented a lot, you may also be "in need of sunshine". Jussayin.

SkoomaKi | 27

#4348064 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 9:22

141 - You want to know how I comment in the first 10 a lot?

I can't, it's a well guarded secret! Oh, I want to see the sunshine but my studies stop me going outside.

daytoday21 | 10

#4753676 - Tuesday 31 July 2012 4:35

Yea...take unwanted violent sexual contact as a compliment. What a ridiculously inappropriate thing to say.

By jillianmathers12 | 13

#4345820 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:28

Probably teenage boys trying to make you think that you are crazy!

Cad6 | 24

#4346500 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:41

Yes. That's definitely what happened.

domking1315 | 20

#4346522 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:45

How would they do that

Cintia07 | 7

#4346580 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:51

I don't see many teenage boys at the grocery store, but I see a little kid playing that trick.

The_Hitdude | 12

#4346619 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:58

Oh, it was just teenage boys? Phew! Glad perverts and potential gropers were ruled out! Now I can go back to streaking at the mall! Thanks 5!

swisher_swishin | 3

#4346677 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 2:05

My first thought was a midget.. She would see a teenager

KriiFahMoro | 9

#4347372 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 5:51

Teen midget maybe?

By btstig | 11

#4345822 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:29

Maybe it was a cucumber giving you a little foreplay.

By LadyLol_fml | 15

#4345834 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:31

Sorry Honey, it may have been my ninja self ;)

ninjaboy18 | 6

#4347404 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 6:06

Noor is more of a ninja than I am.

By KaelaKhaotic | 5

#4345844 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:32

I ran too fast for you to see me. Sorry about that. ;]

adriandba94 | 2

#4349218 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 16:10

Lol

By kingsley_fml | 8

#4346424 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:33

Maybe it was the assparagus.

ydi_4_suking | 20

#4346506 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:43

The assgrabagus

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4347326 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 5:24

Asslapigus? Never mind, sounds like a bad casserole.

By ClosetTroll | 10

#4346427 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:33

Be glad it wasn't the butt-slashing psychopath!

linkinpark98 | 23

#4346441 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:35

Or the Hash-Slinging Slasher!
(SpongeBob reference.)

ClosetTroll | 10

#4346578 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:51

"And then, one night, while he was cutting the patties, it happened!"

GODert | 8

#4347193 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 4:37

Its the hash slinging slasher. Its a spongebob square pants reference.

LSS_fml | 18

#4347226 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 4:48

Nothing gets past you 120

atrix821 | 2

#4347241 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 4:52

Or the the-rapeist

GODert | 8

#4347253 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 4:54

Its was the hash slinging slasher. Its a spongebob square pants reference.

MsMeiriona | 2

#4348544 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 12:44

I thought they determined that was just mass hysteria, the whole crowd panic thing.

By CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#4346429 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:34

It was the jewpacabra!