Today, while shopping with my mother, she handed me a frozen turkey to put in the cart, but ended up swinging it into my nuts instead. I feel like a giant battered eggplant, and I think I'm now impotent. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my mother made me a delicious meal of gravy, stuffing, mashed and sweet potatoes, and cranberries. Overjoyed, I tried to give her a hug. Instead, I accidentally punched her in the face. FML
Today, my coworker warned me that if I made one more dad joke, she’d belt me with a frying pan. Alas, I did not believe her capable of such violence, which is why I now sit here with a bag of frozen peas pressed to the 3-inch lump on the back of my head. Plus she was sacked, so now I feel horribly guilty. FML
Today, I went grocery shopping. As I was leaning in to pick up some produce, someone viciously slapped me on the butt. I whirled around and nobody was anywhere in sight. Now I'm starting to worry that I'm losing my mind. FML
Today, after a stay at the hospital for two broken legs, I finally got home and attempted to relax. My dad went to hand me the remote and dropped it right on my nuts. FML
Today, I took a well-aimed TV remote to the testicles. My wife’s pregnancy cravings are really bad and I forgot to restock the cupboard with apricot jam and packets of sage and onion stuffing. FML
Today, while walking through the park, a little boy came running up to me and hit me in the nuts with a stick. I fell on the ground and looked up just in time to see his mom giving him the thumbs up with a smile on her face. FML
Today, I was making my bed and had an armload of pillows. One slipped and I tried to catch it between my arm and leg. I missed, sending my fist into my nuts. FML
Today, my mother threw an egg at my face with force because I returned home 5 minutes late to dinner. FML
Today, I sliced my finger on a frozen chicken cutlet. FML
Today, I fell down in the street when a speeding car chucked a hard-boiled egg at my butt. While I waited for the feeling in my legs to return, they came back and threw more. FML
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Top comments
JojoBrown520 0
giant battered eggplant? O.o
jennacide 0
Thats what you get for trying to do a womans job! jk :)
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Comments (124)
jennacide 0
Thats what you get for trying to do a womans job! jk :)
Mx_Rider 6
k.
StoryOfTheYear 15
getting a turkey?
GeorgeBoosh 0
The OP is a complete childish woosy kid. Could say: "A load of bollocks", but he says he no longer has any
folfg0 12
Let me swing a 10+ lbs chicken in to your testicles and see if you still feel that way douche!
QueenOfStars 0
lol!!
JojoBrown520 0
giant battered eggplant? O.o
ShadowedHuman 5
yea I was wondering the same thing... WTF must be some redneck hick
furismurder 4
since when do hicks eat eggplant?? haha
strandedinalimo 0
I've never had eggplant. At least I know I'm not a hick?
boog_fml 7
I was also wondering why of all things he chose an eggplant. Easily bruised? Purple? =
redbluegreen 41
I'm thinking because not only are eggplants very delicate (simply by touching them can they be damaged), and they're usually very large. I think it's an excellent, yet disturbing, description.
furismurder 4
I was wondering if it was battered as in beaten or battered as in deepfried kfc.
ChaCerCam 14
uh eggplant is used in alot of ITALIAN meals not one red neck way of using it that I know of?
jdub28 0
FYL, I hurt just thinking about it.
Fedor_is_KING 0
YDI for shopping with your mom. J/K, go ice them balls now. Nicely done on the "battered eggplant" line BTW.
Woodsy007 0
lol it took me a minute but I got it.
racerapj 10
Don't ice your balls! They will shrink. xD
HoesInaBox 0
Did you really just compare your aching nuts to a veggie? haha. Score 1 for the turkey.
denbeste 3
When animals attack! Next on Animal Planet!
surfergirl22 0
ooo that must hurt
dman4412 0
unable to have children
soccer060 0
tell her to take it herself and get in the kitchen
yoitssabrina 0
that sounds painful o.O haha i agree with #9,i love how you would use a vegetable as an example :P