By station - United States

Look out!

Today, I was walking out of the train station when an old man grabbed me. I started screaming, yelling, "HELP" like a madwoman and tried pushing him away - that's when I saw the golf cart rush past me. He was trying to push me aside from getting run over. Everyone started laughing. FML

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Vulture

Messed up

Late term

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I introduced my dad, who is a surgeon, to the TV show House. I thought it'd be a good bonding experience. How wrong I was. He spent the whole time yelling about the "insane" medical inaccuracies, then lectured me about my crappy taste in TV. FML

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By BrokeAndHungry - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I was so ashamed of being broke that instead of asking my parents for money, I snuck into their house while they were at work to steal some of their food. FML

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By lonelygirl - Canada - London

Today, my boyfriend promised me he wouldn't leave me alone in Niagara. I'm currently sitting alone in the hotel room drinking a bottle of wine while he gambles away money he doesn't have. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, my wife handed over most of our son's college fund, in cash, to an investment scammer going by the name "Herp A. Derpson". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Shelby

Today, while walking down the street, a cute guy approached me. We ended up having some drinks then heading back to his place and hooked up. Afterwards, I used the bathroom, and when I came out, he was going through his wallet and asked me how much he owed me. FML

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By can’t nerd right - 4/8/2020 02:02

Insane parents

Today, I was wondering why the new book series I'd ordered hadn’t arrived. I ordered new books because my mom constantly bitched at me about being on the internet too often. She took my laptop away to "teach me a lesson". Only I need my laptop to get the confirmation number to track my books. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally put the finishing touches on my first vacation in over two years, due to my hellish work schedule. The Governor essentially just vetoed my vacation with evacuation orders. Thanks, Hurricane Irene. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, against the will of the kids in my class, we played kick ball. The first time I rolled the ball, the tallest, biggest kid kicked it as hard as he could. I caught it though, with my nuts. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I came home to find that all my porn magazines have been "censored" with a black sharpie. FML

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By elfy2

Today, while riding the bus to a really important job interview the child sitting next to me threw up in my lap. His mother then told him to wipe his mouth. He used my sleeve. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2021 02:01

Time to bail

Today, I spent several hours consoling my crying girlfriend. Why was she crying? She had been told to stop 'leading on' a guy at work who has a crush on her. Worse yet, she has a crush on him, thus the crying. Worse still, this isn't the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Brunoy

Irrational

Today, I accidentally left my bedroom light on all day. When I got home, my mum screamed at me for wasting electricity. This is the same woman who leaves the TV on all day while she’s at work, all so our dogs have something to watch and won't be “bored”. FML

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By mymomplucksbutthair - United States

Today, my mom confessed to me that she used to pluck my step-dad's butt hair. I hope the brain-gods delete this obnoxious mental picture. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was in the shower, oblivious to the outside world, when four police officers who had apparently been banging at my door, entered by force. They were doing a bust on a weed farm and got the wrong house. FML

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By nickthetank - Canada

Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML

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By The Sbeak - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

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By dating walter white's gf apparently - United Kingdom

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, multiple people admired my elaborate face paint. This happens every Halloween, at least every Halloween since I got badly burnt in a car accident. FML

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By lazy pregnant girl - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that because he works fifty hours a week, I should be meeting an arbitrary quota of fifty hours of housework, and if I don't, I'm insensitive and ungrateful. FML

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By Sickasadog - United States

Today, I painted my daughter's room with the new paint we bought. It's an oil-based paint which hides all blemishes on the wall, but apparently makes me sick. I'm now throwing up everywhere, but at least the room looks good. FML

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By sofakingweetodit - United States

Today, I was shopping for pillows at Bed Bath and Beyond. My husband playfully picked up a pillow pretending to start a pillow fight. I grabbed the largest pillow and chased him with it. When I finally caught up with him, a manager came around the corner. I was escorted out. FML

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By M. Night Shytefuck - United States - Plattsmouth

Today, I handed my boss my 2 weeks' notice. 20 minutes later, I was doing my work alone in the very cold basement of the building. My boss claimed it was a routine relocation planned months in advance. It's going to be a long 2 weeks. FML

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By FdUp_at32 - 20/10/2020 08:02 - United States - Southfield

Shoulda checked, dude

Today, a tattoo artist angrily threw me out of his store because an "88" tattoo is apparently a Nazi thing, representing “Heil Hitler.” I just wanted my birth year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the gnat infestation in my dorm room was not caused by the recent cool weather, but rather the rotten pear I found under my roommates bed. FML

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By jaycee - United States

Today, after having finally summoned the nerve to report a guy at my workplace who has been sexually harassing me for months, I got a phone call from my boss. He said that there was nothing he could do about it, because the guy "wouldn't confess." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 20:01

Grumpy git

Today, my husband told me that he thinks I'm not doing real work because I laugh during online meetings. Sorry I'm not miserable all the time. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Werribee

Today, I woke up to my 7 year old son angrily trying to smother me with a pillow. FML

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By Embarrassed

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

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By jojo - United States

Today, while driving home I had to pee really bad. I decided to speed to get home quicker. I got pulled over for speeding and peed my pants. The cop, assuming I was drunk, made me take a sobriety test. I had to walk a straight line with piss all over my pants at 2:00 in the afternoon. FML

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By hockusa3 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was driving to the DMV to take a test, after getting some points removed from my license. On the way there, I got a speeding ticket and got my license suspended completely. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I was telling my girlfriend about how my parents are flying out to Japan today on vacation. She was shocked at how short the flight will be, because "It's on the other side of the world." We live in the USA, and it seems I'm dating a Flat Earther. FML

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By CrimsonChin

Today, out of boredom, I decided to clean shave my beard and moustache for the first time in 3 years. My new nickname at work is The Crimson Chin. FML

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By HotelClerk - United States

Today, somebody stopped by the front desk at the hotel I work at to report a vehicle had its headlights on. I wrote down the info, including the plate. Hours later, after my shift was over, I finally realized that it was MY vehicle. The battery was dead. FML

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By stupid useless criminal

Today, I saw a young child passed out unattended in a hot car so I smashed the windows to rescue him. After waiting with him for 30 minutes, his mom came out and called the cops on me. I officially have a probation violation and the mom went home free. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cooking with super hot ghost peppers. The package said "After handling them not to touch your eyes, nose or pets". They should've added "penis" to that list. FML

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By Jules - 29/10/2020 02:03 - Germany - Aachen

Modernity

Today, my health insurance has finally gone digital, so I sent them a message through their webpage, asking a question. I then got an email, telling me they'd replied. I had to log into their webpage again to see the reply, which read, "A letter concerning your question has been sent to you by post." FML

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By ninjawhat1337 - United States

Today, I told my dad that I was going to sleep over my friends house this weekend with a few other guys to play Dungeons and Dragons. He responded with, "Oh, back in my day, me and my pals used to pick on the kids who played Dungeons and Dragons." FML

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By Chubsley - United States

Today, I realized that the beef jerky someone had left on the counter and that I'd been sneaking a few pieces of every morning had a cartoon dog holding two strips of beef jerky. I wondered why nobody else was eating it. It was beef jerky for dogs. FML

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By calidreaming - Japan - Osaka

Today, as I got off the bus, I saw a girl counting her change making sure she had enough for the ride. Since it was my last stop for the day, I offered my day pass to her. She replied, "Get away, freak." FML

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Top comments

By 1Tsk | 0

#170783 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:25

always trust old people grabbing you

By Coffee_Kaioken | 0

#170786 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:27

For once, I actually love the first comment that was made on a new post.

COMMENTS

By 1Tsk | 0

#170783 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:25

always trust old people grabbing you

Reply

rockindyl22 | 0

#2831603 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 18:25

Even Herbert the Pervert?

Reply

IscoreOnU | 19

#4859147 - Saturday 25 August 2012 15:21

Especially Herbert the pervert.

By Coffee_Kaioken | 0

#170786 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:27

For once, I actually love the first comment that was made on a new post.

Reply

Darraghscoot | 0

#974185 - Monday 5 April 2010 3:31

you overreacted YDI.Old men are stereotyped by so many women as being pervs:/.

Reply

lizamaphone | 6

#1108645 - Monday 19 July 2010 9:27

IMA LEAVE AN IRRELEVANT COMMENT SO THAT MINE IS SEEN LOL.

Reply

gladlily | 16

#6680258 - Monday 29 August 2016 5:43

I feel lie a simple "Watch out!" as he grabbed her could have prevented this situation. I'd be alarmed if someone just grabbed me out of nowhere without a word too, whoever they were.

By ohhhhshizzz | 0

#170795 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:31

Lmao, don't worry too much you can't trust everyone, and a bunch of dick heads are going to say that you deserved it, but hey you can't trust everyone. But this is HILARIOUS!

By Poison93_fml | 0

#170799 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:32

what's up with people these days? is trust really gone? YDI for being stupid...

Reply

valri3 | 0

#1574947 - Wednesday 20 October 2010 3:19

sorry it's the world live in now.

Reply

sirhobothesecond | 3

#2895663 - Friday 15 July 2011 7:45

In today's common society, most people would be quite freaked out if an old man tackled a young woman. So stop being such a sensitive loser and if you aren't used to such behavior as this FML, you'd better get used to it.

Reply

lopecrit | 7

#5486732 - Friday 10 May 2013 18:25

Have you been watching the news lately? An older man kidnapped 4 girls and raped 3 for many years. So sorry for her "over imagination" .

By xxmollyxx | 25

#170812 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:39

trust no one.

By biancagolden | 0

#170823 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:45

where exactly did he grab you?

By 24788 | 6

#170832 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:49

Lol, that's just funny.

By rawrsaysdino | 0

#170840 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:53

@ #1

thanks for the laugh (:

By Jiraiya_fml | 0

#170846 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:56

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA UR A RETARD!!!

By loveyababe | 0

#170849 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:58

laugh it off! no one will remember in a week or so :)