By Kathleen Verhaegen

Lava lamp

Today, I'm so pale, my boss asked me whether I light up in the dark. FML

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1318

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Serious times

The only one who could ever reach me…

Silver linings

By CityGirl - United States

Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46455

You deserved it

5399

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By locksmack - Australia

Today, I was peeing in the shower when my girlfriend suddenly pulled open the shower curtain in an attempt to scare me. Startled, I quickly spun around and peed all over her dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33797

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57926

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By gentileman - United States

Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks

588219

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99728

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By MelanieP - United States

Today, I got a prank call. I now wish he'd call back so I can actually talk to someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48271

You deserved it

8225

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By AbysmalAbyss - 11/3/2021 08:04

Gruesome

Today, it's been seven days since I had my wisdom tooth removed, under guidance from both a doctor and a dentist to help with frequent headaches. The dentist cut open my cheek during surgery, which got infected, and now I also have dry socket. My mouth is causing me agony, and so are my headaches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

982

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By peachezthelette - 12/4/2021 20:00

Health? Care? Never

Today, my job threatened to fire me because I left work early. I left because I can't sit, stand, lay down or walk due to back pain. I went to my doctor after leaving work and turns out I have a herniated disc. My job still doesn't care, and my job is now in jeopardy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

977

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 08:01

Unfortunate

Today, I was eatings a bag of chips when one of the pieces broke off into a sharp point and when I chewed it, it stabbed into my gums. When I got up to wash the blood out of my mouth, I hit my big toe on my desk corner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

800

You deserved it

108

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By silkytaco - United States

Today, I got a "save the date" card for the wedding of a couple my husband knows. I was excited because I really wish to be better friends with these people. I emailed the bride, "I got your STD!" and hit send before I realized how that sounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13087

You deserved it

44286

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By slightlyfamous - Canada - Port-menier

Today, my dick of a roommate was moving out. She didn't actually tell us she was moving out and took the wifi, modem and all, while my other roommate was on a Skype call and I was watching a show. All with no warning. It's Saturday, I have an online assignment due Sunday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20800

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2251

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By Anonymous - Canada - Milton

Today, I woke up at 4am needing a piss, only to walk in on my fuckstick brother combing his pubes with our mom's toothbrush. FML

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35080

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2650

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By PizzaBoySwag - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from high school at the exact pizza shop we met at where I worked in high school. She broke it off with me after she caught me cheating with her best friend. These days, she's a lawyer who makes six figures a year. I still work at the same pizza shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13275

You deserved it

125566

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By bustedfornuthin - United States

Today, I was arrested by the police for sitting in what they thought was a stolen vehicle. After being slammed into the back of a squad car at gun point, they realized the car was actually recovered a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35789

You deserved it

2483

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By Jae_Hellyun - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a link to a Vine video in which she dumped me. FML

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54935

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4333

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By dude - France

Today, I called up my ex girlfriend to ask her if I could come round hers to get my pyjamas back. She replied: "I'm keeping them just in case..." - "In case of what?" - "In case I want to dress up like an asshole". FML

I agree, your life sucks

11488

You deserved it

28858

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dog died. I spent ages digging him a grave and buried him in the garden so that my dad wouldn't have to deal with the stress when he got home from work. When my dad got home he told me that he had wanted the dog to be cremated. I have just had to dig up my dog's body. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42033

You deserved it

5158

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By Sawarski - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32569

You deserved it

3280

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By Anonymous - United States - Howell

Today, I babysat an 11 year old kid while his parents ate out. As soon as they left, the kid asked me if I wanted to be on the sex offender's list. Before I could even process that, he told me to stay out of his way and he wouldn't accuse me of anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40703

You deserved it

2632

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By melonhead - Australia

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to try and break a watermelon on my head while I was asleep on the couch. FML

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34790

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3710

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By Annakins - United States

Today, I am 9 months pregnant. I had a dream where I successfully pushed and gave birth to my son. Meanwhile, in the real world, I successfully pushed and gave birth to a large dump. FML

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49136

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7055

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By mystery - United States - Minot

Today, I found out that I take long enough showers for my boyfriend to sleep with my sister and put everything back to normal before I get out. I found out when I needed more shampoo that was in a shopping bag in my room. FML

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70450

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By thanksmom - United States - Tucson

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

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33537

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By girlmeetsworld - United States

Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML

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53042

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I came home crying and informed my mother that someone had called me a 'fat bitch' today. She held me at arms length, looked me straight in the eyes, and lovingly said, "You can't change who you are." FML

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36761

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By vaylosa

Today, I decided to go all-natural and go to work without any makeup on. My boss swore I was on drugs, which I guess had absolutely nothing to do with the completely "random" drug test I had to take later in the day. FML

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35467

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By skipper - United States

Today, I listened to my room mate having sex from 3 A.M. until 6 A.M. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML

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47630

You deserved it

12028

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my new boss. He asked things like "How are you?" "How's your day going?" and "What's for dinner?" I answered everything and tried to make small talk. I then noticed that he was wearing a bluetooth and was talking to someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34440

You deserved it

7351

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By coinoperatedgirl - United States

Today, I realized that I will never be able to buy the car I've wanted since middle school. The car? A greyish-silver Volvo, which is the make and color of car Kurt Cobain drove. The reason? I've been informed that it's also the make and color of the car that Edward Cullen drives in Twilight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37632

You deserved it

11090

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2020 14:01 - United States

Get out

Today, my boyfriend tried to break up with me again, and actually offered me gas money so that I would leave. FML

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486

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1792

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By thankyouforcalling - United States - Bremerton

Today, the phone lines at work have been cutting out in the middle of calls. I'm a receptionist at an animal hospital. I now have less than two minutes to figure out what's wrong with a client's pet and how best to schedule them before I become "That rude bitch who hung up on me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28224

You deserved it

2096

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at my wedding, when my husband heard "you may now kiss the bride" he swung me down romantically and was about to plant one on me when his arm slipped, causing me to fall on the floor hitting my head, and getting a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76864

You deserved it

4445

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By ashamed - Germany

Today, I realized how much of a nutter my mother really is as she decided to write on a high visibility vest a "warning" that all foreigners, especially refugees, want to rape German women. She now wants to wear it each and every day in our hometown. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19150

You deserved it

1676

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up at 2:30 AM. Thinking I was going to be late for my 3:30 AM flight, I rushed into the bathroom to shower. As I came out of the shower, I slipped and broke my arm. I then realized my flight is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33754

You deserved it

8842

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By woopwoop - United States

Today, while standing in line at the grocery store, I noticed that myself and the woman in front of me were wearing the same shirt. As she was about to leave, I said to her "Hey! I'm wearing that shirt!" She turned to me and replied, "Not in THIS size you aren't." FML

I agree, your life sucks

58102

You deserved it

10840

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By LadyJane

Today, I was trying to exercise more, so I went for a walk. I was quickly overtaken by a middle-aged lady with cankles, carrying heavy shopping bags in each hand. I'm 19, skinny, and apparently very unfit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5773

You deserved it

2497

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I used the restrooms at the shopping mall. The cleaning lady stepped in after me, immediately turned around and very demonstratively started spraying air freshener. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25012

You deserved it

6564

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By PurpleSloth - United States - Tracy

Today, I realized that without my birth control pills, I would have no idea what day it is. FML

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25834

You deserved it

16048

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By tooth fairy - United States - Tucson

Today, my dentist called and told me that the surgery to remove my wisdom teeth - which I desperately need and saved for a year to be able to afford - will actually cost nearly $2000 more than originally stated. The surgery is supposed to be in three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2470

You deserved it

118

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By lateforwork

Rush hour

Today, whilst heading out the door to go to work, my lanyard got caught on the doorknob inside, and I watched my keys swing back inside as the door closed behind me. It was locked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1657

You deserved it

224

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 20:02 - United States - East Stroudsburg

Insurance fraud

Today, my boyfriend, who doesn't have a license, backed up my car in a Taco Bell parking lot. Someone else was also backing up and smashed right into my car. If they ask to see the camera footage, they're going to see he was driving and not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

453

You deserved it

1795

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By probably_the_ex_now - United States

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his family. They were drinking and having fun, so I joined in. I had one too many, got really goofy and then suggested the farting game. "Sorry, I can't hold my liquor!" I quickly explained. My boyfriend's mom shot me a cold look and said, "It's non-alcoholic." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12919

You deserved it

97258

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Top comments

By Katy Elizabeth Deppe | 5

#7902273 - Thursday 30 April 2020 20:21

make light of it next time
and say yeah I'm alot of fun at partys/raves 😂

By RichardPencil | 30

#7902298 - Thursday 30 April 2020 22:42

That's so racist! #AlbinoLivesMatter

COMMENTS

By Katy Elizabeth Deppe | 5

#7902273 - Thursday 30 April 2020 20:21

make light of it next time
and say yeah I'm alot of fun at partys/raves 😂

RichardPencil | 30

#7902314 - Friday 1 May 2020 1:29

Make "light" of it? Haha!

That's beyond the pale -- it's not fair!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7902298 - Thursday 30 April 2020 22:42

That's so racist! #AlbinoLivesMatter

By bloopaloop | 27

#7902333 - Friday 1 May 2020 3:28

Whether you light up in the dark OR...?

By Aurora25 | 26

#7902337 - Friday 1 May 2020 4:07

well do you?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7902470 - Friday 1 May 2020 18:11

I'm sure he was just trying to lighten the mood. Don't worry about it, Caspar.

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7902491 - Friday 1 May 2020 19:47

It’s ok to be albino. #albinosarepeopletoo