By Kathleen Verhaegen - 30/4/2020 20:00

Lava lamp

Today, I'm so pale, my boss asked me whether I light up in the dark. FML

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1311

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277

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Close quarters

Bird's eye view

Nerves of steel

By kait - United States

Today, at work, an overweight man riding an electric cart started peeing all around the store. I had to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32894

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2334

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By why... - United States

Today, I was talking to my friend about my life and she stopped me mid-sentence and told me that my life makes her sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28951

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3088

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By nerdgirlmickey - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my girlfriend can do Heath Ledger's "Joker" voice perfectly. I'm not sure if I should be scared or impressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34962

You deserved it

6922

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my neighbor pointed to me and said to his best friend, "This motherfucker still lives with his mama. That's why he can't get no pussy." I'm thirty. My neighbor is eleven, and correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29670

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7982

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By Anonymous - United States - Palm City

Today, at around 11pm the police made a visit to my house, explaining how my neighbors had thought I was using a universal remote to change their television channels. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27174

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1616

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2020 05:01 - United States - Arbuckle

Countdown

Today, I broke my ankle trying to step over a pipe, but instead slipped and put all of my weight on my left ankle. I'm scheduled for surgery in 3 days, which will be my 1-month countdown to my due date. I'm 8 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1463

You deserved it

131

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By wounded pride, intact cock - United States

Today, my wife wanted me to take her to a new restaurant in town. When I looked it up and saw their prices, I almost had a heart attack. When I said it was too expensive, she snapped "Maybe you'd like to look up 'Lorena Bobbitt' next?!" We went to the restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32540

You deserved it

6749

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, a coworker filed a complaint against me, all because I ate a banana at lunch, which he claimed is "threateningly sexual", whatever the hell that means. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46070

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3988

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By Anonymous - United States - Deatsville

Today, I have really painful pimples on my upper lip. I'm a professional trombonist, and every note causes excruciating pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42415

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5179

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By Anonymous

Today, for the third time in as many months, I woke up early and got dressed up for our department’s networking breakfast, where I stood in the back with no seat and no food, while employees from other departments and less senior staff ate breakfast. My boss later asked me if the food was good. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1445

You deserved it

440

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By slayerdeath - United States - Valparaiso

Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28520

You deserved it

2536

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By bitten - United States

Today, I got bitten by my aunt's dog. My brother was holding the leash. He said he didn't pull the dog away from me because he didn't want to rip my shirt. Meanwhile, the dog was biting a penny-sized chunk out of my hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28983

You deserved it

2762

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By lyssthemiss - United States - Joliet

Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25651

You deserved it

2292

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By Alexxicks - 5/3/2020 12:02

So no one told you life was gonna be this way…

Today, I was asked a security question by my bank's app when I tried using it after a year. After two to three wrong attempts, I got it correct with the answer, "Myself." The question was, "Who was your childhood friend?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1355

You deserved it

240

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By Ugly - United States - Jerseyville

Today, I went to my high school reunion. Someone walked up to me and said, "Wow, you look so different!" She then followed it up with, "You used to be so pretty, what happened?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44058

You deserved it

3481

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By whydoidothis - United Kingdom

Today, my colleague and I played yet another wonderful game of 'Tapeworm or Toilet Paper?' in the homeless shelter's toilets we were asked to clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33452

You deserved it

3966

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By Myself - United States

Today, after a few months of my neighbors friend parking outside his house and honking until he came outside, I happened to be out doing lawn work. I politely screamed "STOP HONKING YOUR F***ING HORN!" To which they responded by moving in front of MY house and holding down their horn. I hate people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38330

You deserved it

16940

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2020 17:01

OK sweaty, time for a bath

Today, I realized my morbidly obese, sweaty sibling is the source of a strange waft I've been smelling when I get home. He'll only shower once a week, so the apartment and furniture smell like sweat and sometimes poo, especially on hot days. I didn't notice until I went outside and stepped back in to follow my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1747

You deserved it

120

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By bitchyhiccups - United States - Tempe

Hush

Today, I got a horrible case of the hiccups while at my friend's mother's funeral, resulting in me squeaking loudly every five seconds during the eulogy. My friend glared daggers at me until I left the room, then later accused me of being an insensitive bitch for "trying to ruin the funeral." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32259

You deserved it

4482

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my empty shower running so I could pretend I didn't still live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17655

You deserved it

29866

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By tay - Australia

Today, I found out that my mother is extremely emotional when it comes to animal deaths when a bird flew into the window and died, and she insisted we have a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23538

You deserved it

3574

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making love to my boyfriend, my sister called my cell phone. Not wanting to face the consequences of not answering, I had a long conversation with her. My boyfriend kept going. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10233

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43813

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By RadioactiveKush - United States - Monroe

Today, my drunken mom began to frantically scream "YEAH" "WOO HOO" and "ALRIGHT" at some kindergarteners that were singing Amazing Grace in honor of a restaurant owner who had recently died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33977

You deserved it

2493

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I went to the dry-cleaner's and went to get my bag of laundry from my trunk, but I ended up dropping the bag. My dirty underwear blew around the parking lot. I had to chase it all down as a bunch of people looked on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31473

You deserved it

3888

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By 12345678910 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my drunk mom kicked me out of my own birthday party, calling me a "party-pooper" and saying I was killing everyone's buzz. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43907

You deserved it

4300

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By Lifeless - United States

Today, I put on makeup for a picture. My Facebook profile picture. That's how much of a life I actually have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14590

You deserved it

33558

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By kjdhfakjs - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he started pretending he was a dog. This included barking, licking my face, and scratching his ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41298

You deserved it

6664

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By Tallow101 - United States

Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56714

You deserved it

6627

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By RuasaLove - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was doing laundry while my boyfriend was sitting at the table playing on his phone. I glanced over and caught him watching my ass as I put clothes in the dryer. Trying to be sexy, I looked at him as I slowly bent over to put more clothes in. Instead, I hit my head hard on the dryer door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30300

You deserved it

8841

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By bb - United States - Hillsborough

Today, after having tried for months to get a promotion at work, I finally had an interview for a higher position. Everything went great, and I was told I would get a call next week for my second interview. I went back to my desk, only to get an email stating they're canceling the position. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22719

You deserved it

1589

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By Anonymous

Mommy Goes Commando

Today, I went to a restaurant with my family. My five year old goes under the table and says "Mommy! You forgot to wear underwear!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

4210

You deserved it

2742

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By sierra - United States

Today, an attractive guy asked me to get coffee with him. My response was, "I don't drink coffee." I just turned down the first guy that's asked me out in 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9592

You deserved it

41245

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By iusedprotectionanyway - New Zealand - Waitakere

Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44007

You deserved it

3488

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By Shiva - France - Niort

Today, I decided to clean my apartment from top to bottom. Once I was done, I looked over at my puppy, who then woke up, stretched, got out of his basket and started to pee. I shouted, "No!" Scared, he then ran all over the place, still peeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48369

You deserved it

9397

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By Newgenmom - 18/12/2020 19:02 - United Kingdom

Not for me

Today, I told my husband I might want a baby, so he took me to visit his best friend who has a toddler and we stayed for an hour. I no longer want a baby. I want the pill wrapped in 2 condoms and a joint vasectomy/hysterectomy paid for with my non-baby disposable income, and my husband now has a shit eating grin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

565

You deserved it

1036

Favorite

By poopy pants - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was driving home from a friend's house after a night of partying. Suddenly, I had to poop worse than I ever had to in my entire life. The pain was so bad I had to pull over and pretend to be checking my tires while I let out the entire contents of my bowels onto the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40149

You deserved it

8692

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By Some Girl - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. Right when I arrived, his little sister said, "She's a lot fatter than you said!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

34106

You deserved it

4937

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By Abrams52 - United States - Fishers

Today, I was sending intimate pictures to my girlfriend and accidentally sent one to my best friend. He sent me one back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61549

You deserved it

35717

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By jerrid - United States

Today, a drunk man opened the unlocked door to my house thinking it was his house. He tried to attack me because he thought I was a burglar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33524

You deserved it

7620

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By ummWhat?

Today my car was broken into. The only thing taken were condoms and lighters I had in the glove box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2093

You deserved it

190

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Top comments

By Katy Elizabeth Deppe | 5

#7902273 - Thursday 30 April 2020 20:21

make light of it next time
and say yeah I'm alot of fun at partys/raves 😂

By RichardPencil | 29

#7902298 - Thursday 30 April 2020 22:42

That's so racist! #AlbinoLivesMatter

COMMENTS

By Katy Elizabeth Deppe | 5

#7902273 - Thursday 30 April 2020 20:21

make light of it next time
and say yeah I'm alot of fun at partys/raves 😂

RichardPencil | 29

#7902314 - Friday 1 May 2020 1:29

Make "light" of it? Haha!

That's beyond the pale -- it's not fair!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7902298 - Thursday 30 April 2020 22:42

That's so racist! #AlbinoLivesMatter

By bloopaloop | 27

#7902333 - Friday 1 May 2020 3:28

Whether you light up in the dark OR...?

By Aurora25 | 26

#7902337 - Friday 1 May 2020 4:07

well do you?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7902470 - Friday 1 May 2020 18:11

I'm sure he was just trying to lighten the mood. Don't worry about it, Caspar.

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7902491 - Friday 1 May 2020 19:47

It’s ok to be albino. #albinosarepeopletoo