Work: Today, I came in to work looking very tan. I took Friday off...

By waytootan - 22/08/2011 20:34 - United States

Today, I came in to work looking very tan. I took Friday off to go to a friend's funeral, which was outdoors, and I tan very easily. Now my boss and everyone else thinks I lied about my friend's death to get off work on a Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 946

You deserved it 3 115

Work

Mother of the year

Empathy lives

Nightmare mother

By Dope - 24/12/2008 11:23 - United States

Today, I tried to sell 2,000 options contracts, but I bought them instead, resulting in a big loss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 712

You deserved it 23 201

By Anonymous - 07/11/2014 08:03 - Australia

Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 636

You deserved it 3 741

By fulloshit - 28/11/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 991

You deserved it 4 570

By im_not_me - 09/12/2009 12:31 - Australia

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on Facebook. She's in the forces, and it was her birthday. I asked her if she liked the flowers I sent her. She thanked me, then asked if she could remove our relationship status. When I asked why, she said, "It's not like we're really going out anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 356

You deserved it 2 705

By Anonymous - 11/10/2012 19:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to be treated for chemical burns, because my mother got the bright idea of using paint thinner to clean me up after I'd painted our living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 342

You deserved it 3 021

By superficialheart - 21/01/2012 11:59 - China

Today, while riding back from a weekend away with my boyfriend, we crashed his motorbike, resulting in us getting thrown over a barbed wire fence into a forest. I woke up in hospital. Apparently, in his adrenaline rush, he climbed back on his bike and continued his trip, forgetting all about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 341

You deserved it 3 241

Observational comedy

By JackOLantern2099 - 17/12/2019 18:00

Today, my girlfriend and I saw each other naked for the first time. She said my balls looked like little acorns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 434

You deserved it 335

Is Leatherface next?

By ThosePoorKids - 30/05/2018 01:30

Today, I heard my brother and sister-in-law discussing whether they should name my soon-to-be-born niece Annabelle or Samara. My nephews are named Jason, Freddy and Chucky. See the pattern? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 506

You deserved it 403

By MikeMorin18 - 01/08/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, at work I was talking to a co-worker about what a slacker my manager was, and how all she did was stand around and talk. She was standing behind me the whole time. I now have sore nuts due to a direct hit from a broom handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 279

You deserved it 34 939

By Picky - 06/07/2017 14:58

Today, I woke up to my younger brother picking his nose with my fingers. His explanation? "You were sleeping." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 013

You deserved it 358

By Miss_Blaine - 29/06/2016 20:05 - United States - Houston

Today, I learned that my husband and I share the same taste in men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 826

You deserved it 1 254

By soupduped - 06/12/2009 03:37 - United States

Today, I opened up a can of tomato soup I'd taken from my parents' house recently. After eating the whole can, I started feeling a little off, so I checked the expiration date. It expired 12 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 816

You deserved it 38 254

Underperforming

By ThatIsNotIt - 24/01/2021 04:02 - United Kingdom

Today, having regularly given my husband blowjobs, I suggested, mid-session, that he could maybe reciprocate. He complained that I was wet, begrudgingly licked for about a minute and then gave up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 236

You deserved it 141

Lonely, so lonely

By Mike - 19/10/2021 14:01

Today, I woke up and realized that the "nice dream" I'd had was just about talking to people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 691

You deserved it 102

By no new apartment for me - 18/07/2013 19:53 - United States - Hagerstown

Today, after more than six years of working my ass off, I finally summoned the courage to ask my boss for a raise. She just chuckled, "I'm gonna need you to eat a dick, John." and stared at me unblinking until I awkwardly left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 623

You deserved it 4 200

By Anonymous - 04/12/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up, and he came by to get his things while I was at work. When I got home I saw that the only thing he had taken was my cat. I only dated him for 5 months, I've had that cat for 14 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 529

You deserved it 3 779

By Pissed - 20/06/2016 19:27 - United States - Asheville

Today, I purposefully spilt my 44oz. cup of water on myself at work, because spending the rest of the day in soaking wet pants was less embarrassing than letting people know I'd pissed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 275

You deserved it 2 925

Backwards world

By Anonymous - 03/10/2020 03:02 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, my life is so messed up that when I got pulled over, the officer asked about my life and not only did I not receive a ticket, he made me write down his personal number, patrol number and to call if I ever needed a favor or to talk, telling me that I had a friend in him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 372

You deserved it 254

Freaked out

By Anonymous - 15/08/2010 05:24 - United States

Today, my mom called me to the laundry room after she saw a dead animal in there. I took a look and agreed we should call animal control. After ten minutes of freaking out, they finally arrived to confirm that the dead animal was the hood to my winter jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 209

You deserved it 42 102

Misconstrued

By DeeGirlMon - 03/08/2012 05:24 - Canada - Calgary

Today, the coworker I've had a crush on for the past few months asked me if I was busy Friday night. I was so excited, I immediately replied, "I thought you'd never ask!" He gave me a funny look and said, "Good, because I need you to take my shift." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 580

You deserved it 6 016

By mperh - 28/05/2011 12:46 - United States

Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint "cop killa" on the side of my car. It won't come off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 822

You deserved it 3 228

By clecker - 08/10/2009 10:24 - Australia

Today, I finally paid off the massive debt on my credit card. I came home only to find that almost everything I owned had been repossessed an hour before I paid the debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 544

You deserved it 12 907

By rmb131 - 20/03/2009 04:33 - Canada

Today, I went to the dentist. He asked me to lean my head closer to him so he could get a better look at my teeth. He was hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109 771

You deserved it 6 351

By Anonymous - 12/04/2009 02:52 - United States

Today, I parked my car on the street to go to the gym. When I came back my car was blocked by a parade of people. I turned to a shop worker smoking a cigarette and said "Jesus! What the hell is going on?" I got many strange looks. It was a Good Friday parade lead by a local church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 751

You deserved it 47 242

By BAMN2187 - 31/12/2012 03:51 - United States

Today, my dad asked me when I was going to start looking for a job. Jokingly, I told him next year. He got pissed, started to yell, then realized Tuesday is New Year's Day and grounded me for "being a dumbass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 914

You deserved it 9 018

By disney_dick - 08/01/2018 00:00 - United States - Mims

Today, my boyfriend asked me to try humming during a blow job. He seemed to like it at first, but apparently "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan wasn't a good choice. He still isn't speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 866

You deserved it 1 970

Awkwaaaaard

By notwhatithought - 21/08/2015 19:43 - Germany - Erlangen

Today, the professor I've had a crush on informed me that there's only one way left I could still pass his course. Thinking this was an attempt to flirt with me, I told him I'd do anything he could imagine. He then looked confused when he asked me to write an essay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 218

You deserved it 33 515

Time for the dentist

By Ethan - 07/04/2021 20:30 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got home to my son holding his brother down with one foot on his chest and both hands on a pair of pliers, trying to pull out his infected tooth, looking like some sort of redneck, hillbilly comedy sketch. I half expected to hear sound effects in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 158

One law for me, one law for thee

By Anonymous - 12/01/2021 11:01

Today, my boyfriend said he wants a poly relationship. He said he wants to sleep with other people, but I can't in case I get feelings for them. Thats not what poly means, dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 086

You deserved it 118

By Username - 14/10/2010 19:02 - France

Today, I was called up about a job I'd recently applied for. I was overly excited to tell them I'd be there on Monday. Then I remembered I canceled my car insurance due to financial difficulties. I have no way of getting there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 351

You deserved it 8 377

By daddyowl - 25/05/2012 04:32 - Canada - Montreal

Today, after 5 months of unemployment and hardcore job searching, I got hired for my dream job. I called my mum to tell her all about it, to which she responded, "Great honey! Now all you need to do is lose all that weight". She allowed me all of 4 minutes of feeling good about myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 881

You deserved it 2 992

By Anonymous - 09/11/2012 18:28 - Argentina - Villa Sarmiento

Today, I was giving my son a driving lesson. He blatantly ran a red light, so I told him to pull over to let me drive us home. As I walked over to the driver-side door, he instead locked me out and drove off by himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 864

You deserved it 7 338

By Kayt - 03/10/2011 04:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 337

You deserved it 4 633

By Cakeman - 08/11/2009 15:03 - United States

Today, I was at a barbecue. I picked up a piece of cake and began complaining to the man next to me about how horrible it tasted. "It tastes like a s***!" I said. His wife baked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 280

You deserved it 51 683

By NotAnExcuse - 07/11/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, a woman on the train demanded I give up my seat for her, claiming it was for people with disabilities. Tired from a long day at work, and seeing she had nothing wrong with her, I asked what her disability was. Apparently, obesity is one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 504

You deserved it 2 362

By Anonymous - 07/08/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I was supposed to be going on my first date with a guy I really liked. He never showed up. I just found out my dad was outside washing the car when my date showed up. He told him he didn't have a daughter and to never show up on his driveway again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 833

You deserved it 3 180

By dumbass for a flatmate - 03/03/2013 02:35 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my roommate told me that she wants to get some of those "My Family" stickers for her car. She's single and has no children. What does she want to get? One for her, and one for her goldfish. Sadly, this is probably one of the most intelligent things she's said all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 272

You deserved it 3 732

Stay safe, everyone

By Anonymous - 11/04/2021 05:00

Today, I found out that one of my workmates had passed away due to Covid-19. He was among five other workmates who were calling me a "pussy" for going back and forth to work in car, instead of public transport. These five guys were eventually infected by someone in the public transport. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 128

By Alaska fire - 19/11/2016 22:14 - United States - Eagle River

Today, I was the only sober person at a bonfire. After being hit in the eye with a snowball, taking people's keys away because they were too wasted to drive, making sure no one died and stabbing the bottom of my foot with a nail, I got to sleep in the snow. Without any blankets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 154

You deserved it 1 084

By Anonymous - 14/02/2015 19:02 - United States - Lemont

Today, my mom's obsession with cleanliness hit a new low when she bitched at me for having trash in my trash can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 852

You deserved it 2 439

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Top comments

birdfreak 24

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 0:48

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your boss's a douche bag.

AmethystRain 20

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 0:51

You should have taken a cool "vacation" pic of yourself standing next to the casket.

birdfreak 24

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 0:48

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your boss's a douche bag.

sarahBaby13 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 0:49

Sorry for your loss. I wish I got tan easily. I'm kinda pale :p

Sub_Zero_is_God 13

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 0:52

agreed. The boss should be opened minded

xoconnie 8

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 0:59

dont care about what other people think about u. u know u were at a funeral. but what i dont get is the fact that they jumped to the conclusion that u skipped work friday.... u could have gone to the beach saturday or sunday... since its not like they saw u the day after the funeral. hm odd

Friaza 29

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 1:11

Let them believe there false truth, atleast you have a badass tan!

leearm104 4

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 1:37

Omg #30 you should be a model. I'll be your agent ;)

Keyman1212 14

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:01

FML is not a dating site. Hit on her elsewhere please.

Laurenlou 24

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:02

Sorry OP! But we all know what you did Friday. Don't lie. ;)

enonymous 8

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:02

I too cannot wait to see her penis. I am in favor of modeling.

FarSide 22

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:13

Tell them all to kiss your tanned ass.

Keyman1212 14

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:16

Canada girl, you also have a URL shortener on your page back to your FML account to gain money through adds. Glad I'm not too fucking stupid to click it.

racxius 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:26

tan tastic

hillsidehorror 5

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:31

# 46 thats a little creepy dont u think

hillsidehorror 5

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:32

although u r correct

missmurderx 8

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:49

You were on our good sides there, 65! Way too ruin it with the next comment.

Dalliance 4

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:50

It took me a millisecond longer than it should've to comprehend the second sentence of #1's comment. It's not too often that you see a contraction like "boss's" actually meaning "he is" instead of the possessive. But I second the sentiment.

hillsidehorror 5

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:56

srry #69;) lol i know tho havent figured how to delete stupid shit i say and message ppl lol im new :O

coffeygirl12 14

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 3:46

Come on guys, if u wanna internet flirt get an eharmony or something & be done with it. Kay? Thanks.

hillsidehorror 5

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 3:51

how do i message ppl?!

hillsidehorror 5

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 3:55

stop fighting srry i started it be done

PutItIn 8

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 4:34

That's worst than being burned in the tanner.

DropTheDaggerxx 31

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 4:36

Either OP's boss and coworkers are assholes, or OP's enough of an asshole for them to think she would lie about something like that.

southernghost 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 4:59

Damn you're hot!

shelbygordon44 7

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 4:59

Sorry OP that blows :/ some people are heartless these days PS: This isn't an online dating site... Flirt with each other using the messenger...please...

KyriosX 1

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 5:27

Damn...your boss sure is an asshole, I guess someone who was jealous of your tan spread that rumor and for the last time guys, this is not a dating site go to eharmony for that stuff

woahbro2slow 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 5:50

wow. your husbands a dick op :(

TheresNoEffingwa 7

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 6:05

Wow these comments are full of fail. Sorry for your loss.

YFDIOP 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 6:12

I agree with 1, maybe you should hire Jamie foxx to help you kill your boss lol

rallets 22

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 6:34

you should try to connect the dots since you dont know what to tell your boss about what happened last friday night

n_epic_fail 14

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 7:09

well it sounds like your boss doesn't trust u... now y would that be? but yea YFL

akayc32 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 7:16

Op could just bring in the obit. Or have someone vouch they were there...

Yngve_fml 9

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 7:25

30 - When just about every single comment that you post becomes thumbs'd down, it's probably a good reason to do something different.

car_ram_rod 3

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 9:03

@ 138: I hate that I see what you did there.

GuessWhatKids 13

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 9:04

One of the very rare occasions when I don't doubt an FML's authenticity. As for all this bullshit about people complaining that some moron complimented a girl's picture, honestly who gives a fuck. Let these idiots be completely irrelevant morons if they wish, some people are born ignorant and you should deal with it and ignore them instead of verbally shitting on them and wasting everyone's time.

MareNostrum 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 16:26

Why, did OP go commando?

koolkat27 13

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Sunday 28 August 2011 18:21

121- this has nothing to do with her husband...

YaboyVinnie 21

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 0:48

You're a Fried Egg, Fried Egg, getting fired like a Fried Egg!

rainbowdinosaur 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 1:05

Umm...what?

MichellinMan 20

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 1:32

You high bro?

leearm104 4

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 1:39

this is the lamest comment I've ever read.

VasilisaUzhasnaj 29

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 3:13

Rebecca Black fail

VasilisaUzhasnaj 29

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 3:13

Rebecca Black fail

herpitydurteedur 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 5:12

Redundant comment is redundant.

VasilisaUzhasnaj 29

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 10:58

There is a glitch with mobile FML that causes occasional repeat posts. Beyond my control.

Sunny_Eclipse 6

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 0:48

Jeez, now that's a sticky situation.

bowwowpug 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 1:10

That makes no sense.

smartypants96 3

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:00

Are you stupid?

BOOSCAREDU 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:08

(@50) Yes, yes they are.

slushpup9696 12

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:09

I like how everyone assumes you're making a pun.

ImmortalRiot 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 4:01

You sick bastard

swasticop 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 6:36

You know what they say about people who make assumptions!

Jdeluxh 12

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 7:00

They assume things?

CEG3 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 7:37

Even if you WERE kidding, it wasn't funny ^

Sunny_Eclipse 6

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 13:13

No pun, joke, or comedy intended. Jeez...

Xr70r7 4

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 14:45

FYL for having pokemon as your pic.

Jdeluxh 12

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 19:10

148 agreed

BrianAlarcon 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 0:50

Sorry for your loss....I hope your boss goes to hell!

mandi4murphy 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 3:25

Show your boss your tan lines?... Hopefully you werent wearing a bathing suit? :P

ThorneCrossed 9

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 4:43

I think saying that you hope he goes to Hell is a little extreme

akmufasa 1

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 0:50

Haha, your boss will probably make you do something "special" to make up for his assumption!

danielreader22 4

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:54

Uh, I don't think so.

DKParth13 5

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 3:56

you are so dumb fo real!!

nissanman_fml 16

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 4:17

This is real life, not your favourite porn site, akmufasa.

akmufasa 1

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 9:01

Wow you took that completely wrong. I meant that the boss was so dumb he would try to make her do something when he was obviously wrong. It was a jab at the boss' intelligence.

andrewboygenius 4

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 0:50

That sucks, have anything you can show as proof that you were at the funeral?

izzabella43 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 4:04

The body

bfsd42 20

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 4:11

I have a feeling there is something she isn't telling us.

pigrhino 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 6:14

I have that picture!

KMFiredancer 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 16:18

The police report for after they found the body?

KyriosX 1

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Wednesday 24 August 2011 6:30

...or you know they could've died in a hospital due to sickness...

AmethystRain 20

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 0:51

You should have taken a cool "vacation" pic of yourself standing next to the casket.

maskedman 9

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 0:59

That's tacky but I know some kids that would do that. They'll take a Facebook picture of themselves and the dead person and the caption reads, "Grandma iz so sleepy LOL

kayla22098 3

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 2:19

that would be so mean!!

LuHGiiiT 11

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 3:46

25 - I love your pic. That is all. :D

every1luvsvag 10

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 0:51

Maybe you should just show them the pamphlet from the funeral. Problem solved.

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 6:24

Op: I was at a funeral. Boss: Show me the proof. OP: I threw it away. Boss: Then you lied. OP: -my picture-

every1luvsvag 10

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 6:31

Holy shit, CryMoreFMLs commented on my comment.

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 14:31

I'm a FML legend?? Since when O.o..

Creamysweeps 5

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 0:51

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

SugarCrazy 14

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 1:23

What if it's their face?... Most people don't walk around wearing a ski mask in August. Just a thought.

hillsidehorror 5

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 3:03

she brings a good point :S

BeachBumm 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 19:03

Why should they even have to be worried about what other people will think when they have other things on their mind.. Like the fact that they have to go to a friends funeral.