Today, I had to get my picture taken for a volunteer badge at... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I had to get my picture taken for a volunteer badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she had a horrible day at work. They showed her my picture to cheer her up. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Tidy your room

Medicare for all, please

By hilaryinbetween - 14/10/2020 11:01 - United States

Signs

Today, my supervisor at work was talking about suicide prevention and how to recognize the signs of distress in coworkers. I realized that I exhibit almost all of those signs. FML

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By ss - Australia

Today, I took my new iPhone into a technician to complain that when people called me, the audio was very quiet and muffled. Convinced it was a fault, I demanded a replacement. That is when he peeled off the factory issued protective screen that covered the ear piece. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo 'stache", she painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van. FML

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By Kim - 17/7/2020 23:01

To the window, to the wall

Today, I saw my boyfriend using a washcloth to clean his cock and sweaty balls. He told me he's been doing this for quite some time now. Guess who's been using the same washcloth to clean her face. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML

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By joshua - United States

Today, I started work at my new job. I was excited to have been given an office of my own, but shortly after sitting down at my desk, the door across the hall opened and an unspeakably murderous stench that could've curdled milk seeped in. My office is opposite the men's room. Great. FML

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By waterspike - France

Today, after finally getting a date with the girl I like, she invited her new boyfriend along as well. I ended up paying for their first date. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom sat on a pencil and started bleeding. She then made me clean the wound on her butt and put ointment on it. FML

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By Brandy_Dandy78 - United States

Today, I fell asleep as my family drove to church. No one bothered to say anything about the drawings my siblings drew on my face until after church ended. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 11:01 - Germany

Sing me to sleep

Today, there are two parts to my life: The 12 hours I spend in bed each night trying to fall asleep, with limited success, and the 12 hours I'm up and trying *not* to fall asleep, also with limited success. FML

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By funnymanjoe - United States

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML

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By distressed - Australia

Today, my boyfriend started his first day of work. After saying our goodbyes, I went into our bedroom to get changed, picked up one of my blouses and found a camera, still recording. I guess someone has major trust issues. FML

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By lonelyinlondon - Canada

Today, my boyfriend threw me a going-away party. During the party, I caught him in my bedroom hooking up with my friend because "you're leaving soon anyway so it doesn't matter." I'll only be gone for 6 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML

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By Sunshinenwhiskey - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out why my sister hasn't been answering my texts or phone calls. Her husband blocked my number on her phone. FML

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By ZiggyTink - United States - North Branch

Bashing

Today, my boyfriend's brother and his fiancée decided to preach to me about how I need to read the Bible because I'm agnostic. I'd be fine, if it wasn't coming from two 19-year-olds who dated for 5 months, got pregnant, got engaged, lost the baby, and still wanna get married, "so they don't look bad." FML

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By screw life - United States

Today, my brother saw my side when my shirt came up, and asked when I got a tattoo; the pink he saw was in fact my stretch marks. Worst of all, I had to show them to everyone to prove I didn't actually get a tattoo. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 02:00

Fresh air

Today, my parents actually kicked me into the back garden and made me sit outside for an hour so they could have sex without having to worry about me hearing them go at each other like a pair of 15-stone rabbits hopped up on Viagra. FML

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By donutsex - United States - Georgetown

Today, since I work at a doughnut shop, I came home smelling like fry oil and had bits of sugar on me. My boyfriend told me he loves having sex with me right after I get off work. He said its like having sex with a hot doughnut. FML

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By pyroman1127 - United States

Today, I gave a girl answers to a test. She said she would give me something pleasurable in return. She gave me a Twinkie, saying, "I know how much fat people love twinkies." FML

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By Anon - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my mother-in-law complained to me about the cost of getting old. She then spent an hour showing me her River Cruise vacation photos from several countries. FML

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By anonymous - Czech Republic

Today, my boyfriend, who is rather large, picked me up to give me a hug, and some over-eager security guard actually pointed his tazer at him and told him to put me down. So he put me down and tried to ask what he'd done wrong. The bastard tazed him for acting aggressively. FML

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By Fat Bastard

Today, my son bought me some Slimfast for my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

Today, it was my birthday. It was also the only day my family wanted to hold the graveside funeral for my grandmother who passed last week. FML

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By poisongrl - Macedonia

Today, it's my birthday. My dad came to pick me up, but after I had put my backpack in the back seat and closed the car door, he drove off without me. It started to rain, and I was without my phone or wallet. FML

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By a816090

Family portrait

Today, my boyfriend sent a picture of me posing with our dog to his family via a group text. Along with our 25" bong. FML

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By James

Gordon says you SUCK

Today, my sister was so bored during the lockdown that she let me attempt to cook an omelette without turning the stove on, just so she had something amusing to watch. FML

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By DangerousDriver

Today, while delivering for a building supply company, I was sent to an incorrect address. I attempted to turn around and got the 24-foot truck stuck in the mud. The homeowner left for work and then called the cops, saying someone was trespassing on his property. FML

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By RIPmyhair

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when he asked if it was okay to finish on my back. Not only did he do that but he also got it on my neck, the side of my face, and my hair which I'd just gotten done at the salon for almost $200 and can't wash for 2 days. FML.

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By Gregory - France

Today, while shopping for a pair of shoes, I saw a pair I really liked lying around, so I sat down to try them on. Then, a man came up to me and pointed out that they were actually his shoes. FML

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By Nudge23 - Australia

Today, I cleared out the messages in my voicemail. Of the 50+ messages, most were from my mother wanting to know when I'd be home. I'm 27. FML

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By Wolfrunner87 - Australia - Broadmeadows

Today, my bosses were boasting about their work-funded retreat, including the $1,800 bottle of wine the company paid for. This would be fine if they hadn't just told me there are no funds to pay me for the work they've got me doing. We are also the biggest company in our industry. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kokomo

Today, at work, my boss made me go outside and wash people's cars for free. I work at Verizon. FML

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By hard work doesn't work - United States - Irving

Too good

Today, I found out that the reason I didn't get the job that I have been working my butt off for over a year for is because they can't find anybody who can do my current job as good as me. I'm too good to be promoted. FML

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By hadakanbo

They targeted gamers. GAMERS.

Today, after spending weeks collecting almost every star, flag, and stamp of Super Mario 3D World on the Wii U, I was working on the very last of the super bonus levels to get the final 12 of 380 available stars when my five-year-old decided to help. By accidentally deleting the file. FML

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By bad birthdays - United States - Los Angeles

Today, it's my birthday. When I asked my mom if we were gonna do anything special for my birthday. She said, "don't lie to me. It's not your birthday." FML

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By confusedbutloved - United States - North Easton

Today, my boyfriend of seven months and I were looking at some pictures on his iPad. I saw a picture of a kid of about two years old that looked a little like him. I jokingly said, "What, is that your son?" Imagine my surprise when he said that it was. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 21:30

Tinder surprise

Today, I was hitting it off pretty well with a girl I met through a dating app. However, she's never going to speak to me again because I also happened to "match" with her friend. How was I supposed to know they knew each other? FML

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By nen_00 - United States

Today, I realized the guy I've been hooking up with has a daughter who is a year younger than me. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also found out she had a child of her own. I've been hooking up with a grandpa. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2020 02:02

I need it

Today, I wore crotchless panties to bed and my boyfriend didn't notice. It's been 10 months since we've had sex. FML

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Top comments

By skippydoda | 32

#7808341 - Sunday 2 June 2019 8:06

ID pictures are suppose to suck

By KerbalTubeHD | 5

#7808697 - Monday 3 June 2019 11:52

Her sister probably killed herself after seeing the picture...

COMMENTS

By skippydoda | 32

#7808341 - Sunday 2 June 2019 8:06

ID pictures are suppose to suck

By KerbalTubeHD | 5

#7808697 - Monday 3 June 2019 11:52

Her sister probably killed herself after seeing the picture...