By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 17:00

The View

Today, my boyfriend refuses to do doggy style anymore because I, and I quote, "have a weird looking butthole, it’s not dirty or anything, it’s just the strangest butthole I’ve ever seen, it’s really distracting." So now, I’m not only self conscious about my small boobs, but my ugly asshole too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2009

You deserved it

184

Tweet

Share

Cold-blooded old times

Body issues

Dad jokes, part 43884

By Just Lonely - 4/9/2016 05:04 - United States - La Place

Today, after not hanging out with anyone the whole year, a guy finally asked me to go the movies with him. When I asked what time, he said, "Never mind, I found another girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14452

You deserved it

918

Tweet

Share

By prin - 5/9/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, someone asked my fiancée and I how we met. She said, "Well, it was just supposed to be a one night stand!" and laughed, right as I was about to take her hand and say, "It was love at first sight!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44442

You deserved it

5772

Tweet

Share

By HomeChump - 28/9/2016 05:49 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was so proud I'd fixed the toilet with a hardware store part without even having to call a plumber. As I happily put the lid back on the tank, I dropped the lid, which broke the tank, spilling water everywhere. Now I need a new toilet, a new floor, and I have to call the plumber. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13919

You deserved it

2492

Tweet

Share

By E.S. - 23/10/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I had lunch with some important potential clients at a fancy restaurant. I really wanted to make a good impression. When the piano music stopped, I started clapping while looking around for the pianist. Apparently, it was a CD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12120

You deserved it

40781

Tweet

Share

By fmlpgh - 16/2/2010 11:51 - United States

Today, my husband told me to hold out my hand. He opened his, and in mine dropped a giant mutant tooth he had pulled a few months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24441

You deserved it

2689

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/8/2015 08:04 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I had my daughter babysit her 2-year-old brother while I went out with my husband. I told her not to let him out of her sight. She certainly did as I said; when I tuned into our internet-enabled baby monitor, I heard her and some guy having sex in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26454

You deserved it

2880

Tweet

Share

By srs - 11/8/2018 20:30

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home drunk from a party last night. They said I couldn't hang out with my best friend anymore as he's a "bad influence". He was the only one sober in our group and drove me home safely. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2923

You deserved it

465

Tweet

Share

By Chelsea - 18/5/2013 08:57 - Australia - Perth

Today, my bag got stolen with all of my belongings at the beach. After being forced to ask strangers for money, I then travelled home on the train for an hour, wearing only a bikini. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53489

You deserved it

5440

Tweet

Share

By well scrooge you too - 26/12/2015 04:24 - United States - North Myrtle Beach

Today, a customer gave me the dirtiest look ever and muttered "goody two-shoes prick" after I asked if he'd like to donate a few cents to charity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20512

You deserved it

1778

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/1/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, I was drinking from a water fountain. I bent over to sip the water and felt a HUGE slap on my ass. Completely confused, I turn around to see some guy with a horrified look on his face. Apparently he thought I was his girlfriend. And then I saw his girlfriend standing behind him. Giving me the evil eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36504

You deserved it

2812

Tweet

Share

By M - 20/9/2015 23:59 - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, during a work meeting, my boss leaned over to me and whispered, "I suggest we fuck". FML

I agree, your life sucks

30050

You deserved it

2496

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/11/2014 23:48 - France

Today, while shopping, a lady came up to me and asked if she could borrow my baby because, "Y'know, I'm in a hurry and they'll let me checkout first." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37187

You deserved it

2679

Tweet

Share

By heartbrokenl12453 - 27/10/2019 12:00

Movie night

Today, my girlfriend decided that the best place to break up with me was during a movie about two couples breaking up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1497

You deserved it

106

Tweet

Share

By jemstuff - 22/8/2010 06:28 - United States

Today, at work, I stopped in my boss/boyfriend's office to find him getting intimate with a girl. He then tells me that he is cheating on me, that he is dumping me, and that I am fired. Oh, and he is keeping the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42967

You deserved it

6547

Tweet

Share

By ArtistBlock - 25/11/2016 05:10

Today, I was in charge of Thanksgiving dinner. I dressed and stuffed the turkey, popped it in the oven and sent a mass text out to my family about how amazing it would be. Everyone arrived, we began making plates of food when I checked the turkey, and realized I never even turned on the oven. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9333

You deserved it

6054

Tweet

Share

By Funyearahead - 8/8/2016 12:44 - United States - Red Bank

Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15498

You deserved it

925

Tweet

Share

By SapphireRaven - 7/9/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I found out that I was denied for work study eligibility by my college. I went to my financial advisor to ask why. It wasn't my grades or attendance. Apparently my father makes too much money for me to get a job at the school. My dad was fired 3 months ago and has been out of work since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43406

You deserved it

2550

Tweet

Share

By notagyno - 29/3/2013 14:19 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I realized how badly medical education has ruined me when I couldn't enjoy erotic literature because of one subtle anatomy mistake the author made. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41705

You deserved it

9069

Tweet

Share

By eliinu - 2/9/2016 02:45 - United States - Middlesboro

Today, my aunt said that it looked like I lost some weight. I was pleased with this, since I've been trying to lose some. My mom, for some reason, thought it was insulting. She pulled me to aside to assure me that I most definitely don't look any skinnier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14985

You deserved it

901

Tweet

Share

By Lonely - 24/11/2009 10:49 - United States

Today, I had a date in my dreams. It was a pity date, with someone who is already taken. I can't even get a real date in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31468

You deserved it

3944

Tweet

Share

By lamed - 4/12/2009 22:01 - United States

Today, I stopped by the gun store to pick up a new concealed weapon for protection. As I was leaving the store, a man came up behind me, hit me with a crowbar, and stole my gun. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38058

You deserved it

14675

Tweet

Share

By hopeless - 8/7/2009 01:12 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and refused to give me back the condoms I'd just bought. Why? Because she wants to use them with the guys she's been cheating on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55148

You deserved it

4249

Tweet

Share

By sirswank - 10/8/2017 13:00

Today, after giving my kids a lengthy bedtime lecture about the merits of being responsible, I thought about all the chores I had left to do, promptly ate ice cream in the shower, and went to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2868

You deserved it

1687

Tweet

Share

By datingablonde - 11/1/2013 05:20 - Australia - Attadale

Today, I told my girlfriend that my identical twin and I are not in fact related, that he's adopted, and that the only reason we look exactly the same is because we eat and drink the same things. She actually believed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38134

You deserved it

9561

Tweet

Share

By TheMissMuffly - 31/7/2012 15:53 - United States - Monmouth

Today, I wanted to take a romantic bath with my boyfriend. I set up the candles and hot water, but I had to take a dump. After my business was done, I called him into the bath. He walks in, sniffs, glances at the toilet and leaves. Guess what I forgot to flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9804

You deserved it

52821

Tweet

Share

By Knaxer - 12/12/2015 17:22 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was riding my motorcycle when a guy cut me off at a light. I honked and swore at him when a bug flew into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19841

You deserved it

6518

Tweet

Share

By tagteam - 5/7/2012 16:30 - United States - Worcester

Today, after backpacking acrossing Europe for a month, I picked up my dog from the doghouse. No one will listen to me or acknowledge the fact that he's now missing two toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38326

You deserved it

2743

Tweet

Share

By Drafrica - 13/10/2014 10:20 - South Africa

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in the missionary position. Once again, our cat decided to crawl onto his back and stare at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40556

You deserved it

5731

Tweet

Share

By startingover - 18/7/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I was at work in a lab. I spent all day growing a large bacterial culture. I went to retrieve it, only to find that someone had turned the incubation shaker up too high, and my flask had flown off and shattered. Not only did I lose all my work, but now the whole room is a biohazard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45196

You deserved it

3575

Tweet

Share

By Anon - 7/5/2011 06:08 - United Kingdom

Today, having turned 18, I was eager to show my mother some of the clothes I'd like to purchase with my birthday money. I flipped my laptop open only to realise I had left a "Big Latina Booty gets a fat one" window open. Her howling screams of pleasure echoed through my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15457

You deserved it

62074

Tweet

Share

By gamerlaura - 21/7/2016 22:09 - United Kingdom - Blaenau-ffestiniog

Today, I went to the store to get groceries. After getting all the stuff I need, and was heading towards the checkout point, I heard a baby cry and instantly felt coldness on my shirt. Yes I was lactating, and yes it was noticeable. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12569

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1421

Tweet

Share

By Nightshade823 - 10/11/2016 19:12 - United States

Today, I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13183

You deserved it

1075

Tweet

Share

By titov - 10/1/2009 14:41 - France

Today, I got my stuff together before leaving to take the bus: cigarettes, newspaper, mobile phone and the trash. I took me at least 5 minutes in the bus to realize that I was travelling with the trash on my knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18949

You deserved it

7078

Tweet

Share

By Yudansha - 14/2/2009 03:10 - Canada

Today, we wrote valentine's day poems in class. I wrote a very depressing poem about how I was rejected by all the girls I like and how it hurt to be alone. When it was read to the class, they laughed and told me it was hilarious. Even the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44774

You deserved it

14815

Tweet

Share

By Username - 1/1/2011 23:21 - United States

Today, I spent the first day of the new year helping out at an old folks home. I was assigned to watch over a group which includes the delightful Earnie; an 83 year old delusional man who sees absolutely no problem with showing off "what the good lord gave him" every chance he gets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30564

You deserved it

3862

Tweet

Share

By CollegeFreshman - 11/9/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I heard a knock on my door and, thinking it was my student adviser, opened it. I was greeted by a drunk girl, who pushed her way into my dorm room, informed me that she lived here last year, and then told me that she lost her virginity in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39450

You deserved it

3692

Tweet

Share

By unknown951 - 29/11/2010 07:11

Today, I went to the doctor because recently I've had a white liquid coming from my breast. I found out it's milk. I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33532

You deserved it

4741

Tweet

Share

By failingdaily - 20/9/2014 02:27 - New Zealand - Paraparaumu

Today, I went on Facebook, only to see my grandpa had posted "feeling horny" with my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40790

You deserved it

3991

Tweet

Share

By gl0b3suck0r - 8/5/2012 16:41 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my pet mouse demonstrated that he has bigger balls than my boyfriend, by running across the dinner table and eating off his plate, all while he jumped out of his chair, screaming like a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24296

You deserved it

4581

Tweet

Share

By M. Night Shytefuck - 20/1/2015 22:52 - United States - Plattsmouth

Today, I handed my boss my 2 weeks' notice. 20 minutes later, I was doing my work alone in the very cold basement of the building. My boss claimed it was a routine relocation planned months in advance. It's going to be a long 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32256

You deserved it

2775

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7902239 - Thursday 30 April 2020 17:48

I'm sure your anus is fine.

The ugly asshole in this scenario is actually your boyfriend.

By Mooglefox | 23

#7902263 - Thursday 30 April 2020 19:17

You could tell him that he couldn’t be getting any.

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7902238 - Thursday 30 April 2020 17:39

You can always work on your personality...and your vagina.

Accentuate the positive, right?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7902239 - Thursday 30 April 2020 17:48

I'm sure your anus is fine.

The ugly asshole in this scenario is actually your boyfriend.

By Mooglefox | 23

#7902263 - Thursday 30 April 2020 19:17

You could tell him that he couldn’t be getting any.

By TexasKitten79 | 2

#7902318 - Friday 1 May 2020 1:50

Get a jeweled princess plug. Problem solved. You are welcome.

By juggalo2 | 10

#7902329 - Friday 1 May 2020 2:52

They have surgery for that. May want to have them fix the boobs, too, while they're at it.

By tounces7 | 26

#7902343 - Friday 1 May 2020 5:33

He's doing doggy style wrong if he's staring at your asshole the entire time.

By jriley4u | 17

#7902360 - Friday 1 May 2020 7:41

Get a new boyfriend. Problem solved.

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7902492 - Friday 1 May 2020 19:48

So do anal instead, that way your butthole may fix itself with a good pounding and your man wouldn’t be watching it all the time

By Mellowyellow15 | 8

#7902568 - Saturday 2 May 2020 5:41

Tell him he has a small dick and dump his ass.

By suntrkr | 4

#7903796 - Wednesday 6 May 2020 3:46

Stop wasting your time with a loser like that. There's plenty of guys who will treat you much better and appreciate all that you do them. Me included.