By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 17:00

The View

Today, my boyfriend refuses to do doggy style anymore because I, and I quote, "have a weird looking butthole, it’s not dirty or anything, it’s just the strangest butthole I’ve ever seen, it’s really distracting." So now, I’m not only self conscious about my small boobs, but my ugly asshole too. FML

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Trip Advisor says no

No justice

Spooky

By ray - 17/11/2011 11:22 - United States

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

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By GasAttack - 7/9/2009 13:32 - Canada

Today, I was taking a shower. I heard my boyfriend come into the bathroom, brush his teeth and take off his clothes. He joined me in the shower and instead of doing something loving or sexy, he let out a huge fart into his hand and threw it into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 20:02

Today, I went to a seminar about non-prejudice and acceptance. I spent the whole time being made fun of because of my pink shirt. FML

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By Carolyn Burnham - 23/10/2016 15:23

Today, I was at the local drive-thru with my boyfriend. While we were picking up the food, the asswipe at the window thought it hilarious to copy the scene from "American Beauty" and pretend that we were a couple and that I was cheating on him. My actual boyfriend believed it and won't talk to me. FML

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By opinaise - 2/8/2012 13:00 - France - Toulouse

Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML

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By notalovestory - 11/11/2012 22:48 - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I came back home in tears, and eventually told my dad what was wrong. He immediately excused himself to the living room, where I heard him tell my mum, "She's gone all Taylor Swift again." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2014 19:13 - United States - Lexington

Today, I found out that someone had peed into the bottle of Febreze that we keep in the dorm bathroom. I found this out when I sprayed it onto my coat to get rid of a weird smell. FML

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By grosssss - 1/1/2010 13:03 - Australia

Today, while I was trying to get to sleep, I heard a strange noise coming from the bunk bed above mine. I looked up to see what it was and my cat vomited over the edge, onto my face. FML

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By wideawakeandinpain - 17/12/2011 11:09 - United States

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

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By Stressed Mother - 18/3/2015 21:26 - United States - Piscataway

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I was on a plane with my grandma. A cute guy sat down next to her. She asked his age. He told her he was 16. She said, "Oh, that's how old my granddaughter here is." She then turned to me and said loudly, "You should switch seats with me, he's HOT!" Well, at least Grandma loves me. FML

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By jazz - 22/1/2010 08:11 - France

Today, I was holding hands with my daughter and she wanted to skip. When I went to skip I accidentally kneed her in the face. Everyone saw her holding her busted lip and pointing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2011 12:54 - Australia

Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML

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By placard3 - 2/10/2019 20:02

Cruel Summer

Today, I went to the hospital to get a cast that I have been wearing for the past three months removed from my wrist. Thanks to said cast, I couldn't have any summer fun at all. The doctor took a final X-ray and said, "Well look at that, your wrist wasn't fractured to begin with." FML

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By anoynomous - 2/2/2010 05:47 - France

Today, I got a ticket. The officer's daughter is my ex. He gave me a ticket for 31 in a 30 mph zone. FML

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By NaomiMadison - 30/7/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, my little brother came into my room and hit me over the head with his baseball bat. He then dropped the bat onto my floor and ran crying into my mother's room proclaiming I stole his bat and beat him with it for fun. FML

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By catt - 17/10/2014 20:12 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my boyfriend tried to rid me of my hiccups. As he'd screamed at me and I'd pissed my pants, I just burst into tears. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2015 11:57 - United States - Howell

Today, I babysat an 11 year old kid while his parents ate out. As soon as they left, the kid asked me if I wanted to be on the sex offender's list. Before I could even process that, he told me to stay out of his way and he wouldn't accuse me of anything. FML

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By aireeahna - 20/5/2016 06:04 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've been talking to. We ended up at his house around 4 a.m., but as we walked through the front door, his ex girlfriend was sitting on the couch, apparently waiting for him to get home. They still live together. FML

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By mintypoison - 14/11/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, and all day, I was forced to listen to one of the kids in my apartment building play their recorder loudly and horribly. She started over whenever she missed a note. I was sick, was getting a migraine from it, and couldn't ask her to stop without her mom yelling at me. FML

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By pmony - 2/2/2012 02:48 - United States

Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML

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By kerripjones - 14/7/2015 19:44 - United States - Newark

Today, an old friend and I reconnected. Everything was going fine until he threatened to visit me at work. I didn't know he knew my place of employment, so I replied, "Do you know where I live too?" He answered, "Would you hate me if I did?" FML

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By divorced - 7/3/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, I was picking up my daughter from my ex-husband's house and his new girlfriend was there. I called to my daughter that it was time to leave and she clung to his girlfriend and said 'Mommy, I don't want to leave.' She wasn't talking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, my daughter's school called to inform me that I needed to bring her some sneakers. Not feeling like driving the 15 minutes to her school, I told them I was away from town. Then I realized I was on my house phone. FML

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By kronin - 12/10/2010 10:59 - United States

Today, I woke up in a field 3 miles from where I'd passed out drunk. This wouldn't have been too bad if I didn't have to walk home through town without my pants. FML

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By Nickel - 1/6/2017 04:00

Today, my mom's friend came over. She brought her son and claimed that we could have bonding time. I ended up chasing the five-year-old around the house for an hour. After they'd left, my mom saw that the little kid had broken a lamp and a clock. She then said I had to pay for it using my money. FML

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By nana. - 15/2/2009 15:29 - Canada

Today, I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It's a well known fact that I'm competitive and tend to hip check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and The Nana. I won. The Nana has a broken hip. FML

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By rhythmbandit - 9/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a beautiful pair of very expensive diamond earrings, along with a card that read, "To my beautiful brown eyed Princess." My ears aren't pierced, and my eyes are green. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2019 16:00

Not a prank, bro!

Today, I went for a run when my shin splints acted up, so I called my dad to have him come pick me up. When I saw his car approaching, I stuck out my thumb like a hitchhiker, as a joke. The car pulled over to give me a ride. It wasn't my dad. FML

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By FOXYgrandpa441 - 19/7/2012 00:41 - United States - Casper

Today, I was getting lunch at a fast food restaurant. My boss was in front of me, and in order to get on his good side I offered to pay. Instead, I got fired because I guess my boss assumed I was making fun of his salary, which I knew nothing about. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2015 16:42 - United States

Today, I decided to show up early for work and really try to get off my manager's shit-list. On my way to work, my manager called to bitch me out for already being 30 minutes late. Yeah, I forgot about Daylight Savings Time. FML

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By poopybed - 1/4/2011 21:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my dog is so lazy, she doesn't even get out of my bed in the morning to poop. FML

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By mike - 11/3/2011 18:34 - United States

Today, I set up a mouse trap to kill the rodent plaguing my kitchen. While lying in bed, I heard an unmistakable snap, and ran to see what I'd caught. The mouse trap was missing. I now have a large, angry, and possibly dying animal running around my house. FML

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By xXxtwilightLUV95xXx - 8/3/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, I woke up to the most awkward breakfast of my life. Apparently, last night after taking my sleeping pill, I went into my mom's room and started spilling secrets left and right. Secrets about my current crush, the people I've hooked up with, and how when I say I'm going over to my friend Beth's house, I'm really seeing a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2019 14:00

Chocolate chip

Today, I was eating chocolate chip cookies around the house and saw a chocolate chip on the floor. Not wanting my dog to eat it, given that chocolate is poisonous for dogs, I swiped it up with my finger and put it to my mouth. It was then that I realized it was a stub of my dog's poop. FML

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By amy - 16/10/2013 21:52 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, as I worked as a cashier, two girls came up laughing. I smiled as I rang them up, asking what had made them laugh so hard. One looked me dead in the face and said, "You." They then both walked away, laughing. FML

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By xRyu - 9/10/2014 00:30 - United States - Denver

Today, I found out via a voicemail from my boss that my hours are being cut. He said, "They said I can't fire you, so you'll only be getting 20 hours a week. Starting today." Who'd they give my other 20 hours to? The one person that calls off sick almost daily and is never on time. FML

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By Woops - 27/8/2014 22:57 - United States - Secaucus

Today, a schoolmate I've always secretly hated came over to my place to hang out. She found her way to my room and instantly noticed my dartboard, which I'd taped a picture of her face onto. FML

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By hinting - 17/6/2013 16:43 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

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By issy - 21/9/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, while taking a shower in the dorm bathroom, my roommate thought it would be funny to steal my towel, robe, and key. I spent over an hour waiting for someone to come into the bathroom so I could ask them to bring me something to cover up. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7902239 - Thursday 30 April 2020 17:48

I'm sure your anus is fine.

The ugly asshole in this scenario is actually your boyfriend.

By Mooglefox | 23

#7902263 - Thursday 30 April 2020 19:17

You could tell him that he couldn’t be getting any.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7902238 - Thursday 30 April 2020 17:39

You can always work on your personality...and your vagina.

Accentuate the positive, right?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7902239 - Thursday 30 April 2020 17:48

I'm sure your anus is fine.

The ugly asshole in this scenario is actually your boyfriend.

By Mooglefox | 23

#7902263 - Thursday 30 April 2020 19:17

You could tell him that he couldn’t be getting any.

By TexasKitten79 | 3

#7902318 - Friday 1 May 2020 1:50

Get a jeweled princess plug. Problem solved. You are welcome.

By juggalo2 | 13

#7902329 - Friday 1 May 2020 2:52

They have surgery for that. May want to have them fix the boobs, too, while they're at it.

By tounces7 | 27

#7902343 - Friday 1 May 2020 5:33

He's doing doggy style wrong if he's staring at your asshole the entire time.

By jriley4u | 17

#7902360 - Friday 1 May 2020 7:41

Get a new boyfriend. Problem solved.

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7902492 - Friday 1 May 2020 19:48

So do anal instead, that way your butthole may fix itself with a good pounding and your man wouldn’t be watching it all the time

By Mellowyellow15 | 8

#7902568 - Saturday 2 May 2020 5:41

Tell him he has a small dick and dump his ass.

By suntrkr | 4

#7903796 - Wednesday 6 May 2020 3:46

Stop wasting your time with a loser like that. There's plenty of guys who will treat you much better and appreciate all that you do them. Me included.